I just realized that I'm going to Hawaii 5 days before Christmas in order to spite my family. Well, not entirely. I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but going in December seems especially perfect because not only will I be avoiding all the summer vacationers, I'll also get to spend a selfish and intimate Christmas alone with my son and away from my mooching family who successful drain all of my Christmas joy year after year. Like a wild pack of Christmas vampires.
Because of them, every year I seem to end up getting the shaft and Christmas is a huge let down. Someone inevitably wants to borrow money from me so that they can pretend to be Santa Claus, and then pay me back in tiny chunks over the coming year. Fuck that. Then they all want to see what gifts I got them, thinking that I'm John D. Rockefeller. And then, when they don't open up a thousand dollar gift of gold, they turn their ungrateful noses up and I'm sitting there pissed and unappreciated. This year, however, they'll be lucky if they get a box of coal.
My cousin won't be able to get away with giving cigarette lighters as gifts, either (yes, she really got away with doing that one year because she's always crying broke and everyone has happily accepted that she's a selfish loser) because I always pull through and make up for it with my gifts, and I won't be here to witness whatever transpires as a result of her going it alone. Perhaps they'll eat her alive? :) Now that I'd hate to miss, lol. Okay, not really, but still.
But THIS year...THIS YEAR I'm pulling the biggest heist ever. Instead of JD Rockefeller call me MR Grinch. There will be no using or abusing or noses turned up at my gifts because I won't be here to use or abuse or give. In fact, my plan is to return home on Christmas Eve, open gifts quietly that evening with my son, and then spend Christmas day cheerfully unpacking, unwinding and sipping on something warm and sweet. If the family wants to stop by they are welcome to do so but they shouldn't expect anything beyond a trinket souvenir from my wonderful trip, since I was on holiday before the holiday and didn't have time to shop for their ungrateful asses. Muah-hahahaha-HA! Extremely evil of me? Perhaps. I no longer have my Christmas spirit because they shanked her a long time ago. I'm hoping to find new cheer in Hawaii :) Happy Festivus! Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Merry New Year! Happy Kwanzaa! and all that jazz.
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