cape fear

i'm antsy. i feel like i'm bullshitting and wasting time. things just arent happening as quickly as i'd like them to. why can't i be a patient passenger? ugh. i will be 38 years old in 42 days. i feel like my life began again at 33 and it's been progressing painfully slow. i'm afraid of whats next. i shouldnt be but i am. i try to convince myself not to be. i have so many wonderful plans in the works, i should feel excited, not fearful. will i be too old to enjoy the fruits of my labor when everything is finally ripe? dios mio, i'm a headcase at times. i'm peaceful, content, yet antsy and eager at the same time. my mom used to say "if you rush your life, you rush your death." i try to let that anchor me. i have led a great life so far. why wouldnt i believe it could only get better? thats the pessimist in me, the worry wart. i gotta check that bitch. got me doubting my ability to win when i KNOW what I'm capable of. psht. i couldnt visualize a terrible future if i tried. my house is covered in fog. i just looked out my bathroom window and my tree looked eerily content surrounded in mist and grayness. i love the peacefulness of morning and this fog is heightening that. i kind of hope it doesnt burn off. then i can spend more time with my creative mind. gotta use these powers for good though. no more worry and fear.