Rosebowl Flea Market

After living more than 15 years of my life in Pasadena I finally went to the RoseBowl Flea Market to see what it is all about. I’d heard tales of it being phenomenal, humongous, filled with wall-to-wall deals and action, and I’d even seen glimpses of it on some of my favorite HGTV shows, but I still wasn’t prepared for it all this past Sunday as I strolled in carrying my Japanese wagasa (bamboo and paper-painted parasol) to protect me from the hot August sun. Every inch of that giant stadium was occupied by a vendor selling something and everything, from food to furniture, to unique, vintage and new items. And with the heat following me around like a nagging, whiny child, there was no way in hell I could see it all in one scorching day. I probably didn’t even see 25% of it. After spending an hour traipsing in that sun I began panting and feeling like heat-stroke was creeping up on me. But I did score. I found a cute, red and white collapsible picnic basket for $10! And the one I’ve been eyeing for months that’s regularly priced $150 was there, too, for only $55!! But I have no need for it right now so I’m debating whether or not to go back and get it for later. I’ll use the red $10 collapsible one I bought for my trip to the Hollywood Bowl this month since the seating there is cramped and won’t comfortably allow a big wicker basket with glasses, tableware, and ceramic plates inside. I also bought some acrylic paints and got a free ticket to the fair just for going to the flea market; another excuse to have fun. I collected a few business cards from vendors selling unique stuff that I might want to buy later. Two of them are online, thankfully. I’ll wait until it cools down a bit to go back and check out the rest of the joint. Then I’ll be more prepared to haul all of my purchases in a rolling shopping cart like I saw a lot of other people doing.

A funny thing happened after my stay-cation a couple of weeks ago. I became inspired to go on “vacation” every chance I get, even during my workweek and especially during my weekends. After all, why should I reserve living for just one to two weeks per year when I’m alive all year? I no longer have the responsibility of taking care of a child. My only responsibilities are going to work, feeding and walking the dog (and that’s really not even my responsibility, it’s my sons), and making sure my soon-to-be 18 year old son doesn’t veer off course every now and then. I have more freedom now than I’ve had in 18 years and, at first, I wasn’t quite sure what to do with it all. So I started a list. And that “list of things to do” during this last vacation ended up extending well beyond my two weeks off and I’ve taken to finishing what I didn’t get to accomplish from the list, picking up where I left off once work began again, and adding new things to it practically every day, as well. Some people come to California for a vacation. I LIVE here all year long so, essentially, I can have a vacation every hour I am away from work. And since I work roughly 40hours per week that leaves about 128 hours of vacation time remaining for me to enjoy J And there are soooooo many things to do in here. Skiing, wine tasting, kayaking, hiking, surfing, sand castle building, Channel Island hopping, sight-seeing… the list goes on and on and on! No need to wait until I have a stretch of time off from work again, or until my money is “right.” It may never be “right” lol. So long as my bills are paid and my fridge is stocked and I have some KMA (kiss my ass) money in the bank, my money is perfect. That’s all I need to maintain in order to live happily and relatively secure, which is what I am all about – happiness and security.

*This is sort of an addendum to the post below it.

At 2am this morning I’d had enough of my dog stinking up my bedroom with his gas so I decided to get up and let him out to relieve himself, and while outside I happened to glance up at the sky and got a remarkably clear view of our closest constellations, despite all the light pollution coming from my neighbors’ security spotlight. Nothing but the stillness of a black speckled sky and the sound of a bloated old cricket to keep us company as Axl rooted around in the backyard for the perfect spot to take a poop. It reminded me that I need to go stargazing before the end of this month so I added it to the long list of things I want to do before my social life comes to a slow crawl in September. So far, I’ve checked off 5 items from that list: happy hour sushi with drinks outdoors, free jazz in the park, catching a movie with lemonade, skinny fries and sliders at Gold Class Cinemas (I’m doing that again, though, as soon as Taken 2 comes out), checking into a hotel where I swam, relaxed and ordered room service, and a spa pedicure (this may also be repeated). Other things listed are:
• a pier rollercoaster ride,
• make cotton candy,
• make ice cream,
• paint front door yellow,
• go to the Aquarium of the Pacific,
• catch an outdoor movie,
• enjoy my new fenced in front yard,
• thrift shop and flea market hunt,
• get a massage,
• attend a concert at the Hollywood Bowl (already got tickets),
• beach bonfire
• etc.

All of this will certainly make the most of what’s left of the summer, before fall arrives and the days get shorter, colder, and more harried with my upcoming schedule. It’s kind of like filling up on joy and stockpiling for later. Seeing the stars always makes me happy and whimsical and the sky last night totally filled me up in that brief moment that I was able to look up and see them… before I had to chase and, ultimately, cajole Axl back into the house with doggy treats. I knew I should have taken him out on a leash. He just ruined his chance to go to the dog park. Crazy dog.

Did I even take a vacation?

I can't even remember anymore.  I've been back at work for one week and it feels like I never left.  Let alone for two whole weeks!  When's my next break from this monotony, Christmas? Bleh.  This is not how I want my life and I never couldve imagined living it this way.  I am about to grind harder than ever before to make changes and change habits because things have got to change.  I can't go on living this way. It's killing me slowly.  Painstakingly slow.  I sit all day long and then I get home and I'm too tired to do anything.  What the hell kind of sense does that make?  Better yet, what kind of LIFE does that make??  Exhausted from sitting and typing.  Pathetic!  My reason for being is not to sit on my ass all day in front of a computer, obeying its every command.  Surely, I was meant for much more than that.  And if I ever hope to get and enjoy my own home in Hawaii before I'm either too old or dead, I'd better start making changes right now.  The first change I've made thus far is that I haven't shopped (except for doggy toys and miscellaneous puppy necessities.  Who knew I'd fall in love with a dog!?!?) in about a month, and I plan to keep this trend going.  The second is I've enrolled in school and plan to hit the books hard for the next couple of years, or until my goal is reached; whichever comes first.  The third and most difficult is, although I am struggling immensely with it, I have managed not to eat out (on my own dime) for a month.  I've been cooking and getting more creative with my meals.  Oh, and now that I am a dog owner, I go for walks/runs more often.  At first I called myself walking the dog but I quickly realized that he was walking ME!  In fact, he runs me.  My two long legs are no match for his four short ones.  As soon as I open the front door he's trying to drag me down the street.  And he's only 8 months old.  I can only imagine how difficult it will be to walk with him when he's older and stronger.  By then I'd better either be yoked up with muscles or have someone else doing it.  Maybe I'll hire a dog walker when that happens.   (And yes, he is in puppy training for that.  And yes, I know how to walk my dog. I just allow him a loose enough leash to roam and smell all the flowers and bushes he wants to stick his little nose in. I draw the line at poop sniffing, though.  And crosswalks. And jumping on passerbys). 
My raison detre has changed.  Or better still, it has dawned on me that I am not living the life I was intended to live.  The one that would make me happiest.  I'm more mindful of my future now and what's most important to me, what matters. I've sifted through more than enough bullshit to come to that understanding.  Most people I know...don't matter, lol.  Most people I don't know...don't matter.  What matters is my health, happiness, safety, and security, and within those buckets are a few people I know, more money in my accounts, longer walks with my dog, and this beautiful, wondrous planet I live on.  Viva la vacacion!

Sometimes I wish someone had neutered ME

The men in my life don't like that I had my 8 month old puppy neutered.  They think I should have had his ears cropped instead. The way I see it I rescued him from death at a shelter, so  his purpose in life is not to fight (ear cropping is common with fighting dogs) or procreate (contributing to more unwanted puppies being euthanized), it is to live peacefully and happily as my family dog, spoiled and well taken care of.  Thursday he was neutered and by Friday morning he was playing as though nothing at all had occurred.  We had to stop him from running and jumping and rough housing his toys so that he wouldn't reopen his incision.  The most anguish he had was over us leaving him with strangers in a cage.  He slept through the surgery and woke up with a cone attached to his collar.  Now, his raison de'tre is to play, eat, sleep, and be happy.  What could be better than that?  He won't have the sexual desires that frustrate other dogs and human, alike.  He won't risk life and limb getting to a dog in heat (95% of dogs hit by cars are un-neutered male dogs roaming around looking for sex).  He has no idea what a dog in heat is or what it's like to mate with one (he's a virgin) so he'll never miss sex.  At first, the men I know had me feeling sort of like a bad puppy parent.  But then I went to Google (and utilized rational thought) and I realized that Axl, my dog, is better off without his testes.  In fact, I sort of envy him. If someone had neutered me, I wouldn't have put up with all of my past lovers' bs, I wouldn't go through the same annoying motions over and over again with new lovers, and I wouldn't hope to find what doesn't exist.  Instead, I'd be so much more productive, I'd have no pms, and no fear of STD's or unwanted pregnancies. I'd be a perpetually happy, financially secure, and highly educated woman with no unnecessary distractions.
Lol, this is all tongue-in-cheek, of course.  

I went to the beach with my family on Sunday. My uncle is in town visiting us so we all got together for the day. On our way back to our cars to leave I walked down the wrong street and got turned around. When I finally found my way again I saw my cousin, my mom and my two year old niece about a block away from me so I called out to them. My niece jumped down from my mothers arms and screamed my name then started running towards me smiling :) it was the sweetest thing ever. People driving by stopped to watch us running towards one another and her leap into my arms and hug and kiss me, asking me where I'd been and me explaining that I'd gotten lost, lol. As if we hadn't seen each other in years. It was, indeed, a Kodak moment. I live for these moments. That was love in action. I need more of it. In fact, I need a romance (whats new, right?). I'm way overdue for one (one year past due, to be exact). My reserves are just about depleted and theres no gatdamn Romeo in sight. There's been a handful of suitors but none that move me. I've been settling out of boredom, hoping for a spark to fire things up, but no such luck. My cousins birthday is Friday and she wants to go out. I just bought a strapless red dress and a gorgeous gold, drapey necklace full of different sized disks that i plan to wear. I'm hopeful but doubtful that anything worthwhile will occur. In any event, I'll certainly be looking cute.

You know how I know I’m pms’ing? I went to the grocery store the other day (Von’s) to pick up some last minute items for the holiday shindig and the cashier asked me if I wanted to pay 10 cents each for brown paper bags and I became upset and embarrassed because I didn’t know they had stopped using plastic bags.  I told the bagger to just put my groceries back into the basket, un-bagged.  He didn’t even ask me if I wanted help out.  I’m making mountains out of mole hills, son.  A few days prior to that I had gone to Ralph’s grocery store and they asked me if I wanted 3 free reusable shopping bags and that made me happy.   Mole hills are becoming mountains.  Shits crazy.  My dog got super excited when my family arrived, which isn’t unusual except he seemed fixated on my two year old niece, probably because she’s about as low to the ground as he is.  So he kept nipping at her face and I had to grab him up in the collar like “chill dog!” which I felt bad about. And the baby gets all indignant and goes “Him wanna bite me!” But she said it in a “oh HELL no!” way that made everybody laugh.  Everything she says makes everybody laugh, actually.  It’s like we’re all still surprised that she can talk and so well, and that she knows full well what’s going on around her based on her unexpected responses to stuff.  I was happy to have plenty of mouths to feed and was hoping that my buffalo chicken enchiladas (recipe found on Pinterest) were a hit. Otherwise I might’ve been devastated.  This is what pms does to me.  It makes me care about things that I should just brush off and not make a big deal out of, that I wouldn’t give a damn about any other time.  I hate this shit, making me all emo and hostile.  What the hell do I care if people like my free food or not?  Ugh.  Then I hopped on Facebook to catch up on unimportant updates (you know it's bad when you go looking for trouble on Facebook) and became annoyed that this guy I used to like was behaving like an attention whore (the irony, right?), talking about modeling, posting old pics of himself when he was cute and not corny, telling black women we’re beautiful.  Fuck out of here.  All of that was clearly to elicit a string of female replies because he hadn’t been getting many lately.  It’s no wonder though, he’s a bit ridiculous, always with the conspiracy theories, talking about the end of days and how he wants to leave this corrupt country but people aint ready.  Smh.  What a waste of a somewhat pretty face. Then I got slightly upset on Tuesday when Mr. Ed Choppers told me that my friend Paul was in rehab for using bath salts.  She was going on and on and on about him eating her face off which, for some reason, was pissing me off, lol.  I wanted to yell "STFU, B*TCH!" But instead I just forced a smile and listened.  Who the fuck would want to eat her face off?  She looks like Cruella Deville on crack.  Anyway, I’ve got to chill, I know this.  I need to be careful not to let this pms madness get the best of me.  I just need a few good naps and maybe a good read or to watch a romcom and meditate before things get too out of control.

Update: "Heel, Rex!!"

A couple of posts down I mentioned how we'd left our puppy in the backyard while we went to work. Well, my son went home during his lunch break and discovered the yard empty. He looked high and low, he called me, I panicked. I called my mom, she panicked. Within half an hour we'd made a missing puppy report with Animal Control and I'd driven home and broken several traffic laws in the process. But when I turned onto my street I saw my son carrying our puppy across the street from our neighbors' house. Long story short, they put him back in the yard and made him think he was left alone again. Thats when they witnessed him climb our chain link fence, lol. So basically, all this time he's been humoring us by staying in the yard whenever we're home and outside with him. He could've left whenever he felt like it. Smh. He climbed the fence super fast, too. Like he was walking up a wall. This is even more reason for me to hurry up and have the new fence installed.

Emptiness

Despite having a son, a dog, friends, and family, I often have this terrible feeling of emptiness, as though I am alone and without the mental and physical stimulation that human beings need. I live in a decent home on a decent street in a decent town. I have a well-behaved (as puppies go) puppy. I have a well-behaved and easy going, son. So why do I feel like something’s missing? I rarely felt this way with Reg and I can’t stop reminding myself of that. Although, part of me knows that I’m just romanticizing the last year or so of the 15+ years that we spent together, and empty is exactly how I felt a lot of the time I spent with him prior to that. It wasn’t until we moved apart into different residences did I become mentally stimulated by him. We’d go to museums, gourmet pizza parlors, to get ice cream, brownies, breakfast… even a weekend getaway to Pechanga Hotel and Casino on his dime (a one-time event but never forgotten, nonetheless). But those instances weren’t often, which might be why they stand out, and when I think about it we’d just started barbecuing when I bought my house 3 years ago even though it seemed like that was something we'd always done. So I guess what I’m missing and craving is the companionship that I had briefly with him that I cannot get from my well-behaved, easy going son, my well behaved puppy, or my family and friends. 15+ years later and THEN he decided to behave like the man I’d needed him to be all along, after I’d left him. Isn’t that always how it goes, though? Ha. So really I’m not missing him, he reminded me of that when he got on my nerves the last time I tried hanging out with him. There were more bad times to fill the space between those rare and unforgettable good times.  What I’m missing is that brief glimpse I got of what he could’ve been and what I’d always wanted him to be. So for this 4th of July holiday I think I will imagine my life as I’ve dreamt it could be. I am going to fill up my wading pool, clean off my grill myself, and focus on being mindful of the decent things I have all around me, the possibilities for more, and the beauty that often goes overlooked and taken for granted in my life. I suspect the sun will be showing off a bit as it sometimes does in California this time of year and I intend to make note of it this time, soak it all in, let it go ham. I am going to acknowledge how fortunate I am and how much greater I can make things if only I put forth a bit more effort and paid more attention. You know how people always look happier in pictures than they did when the picture was actually taken? All smiles when really they were ambivalent the whole time about where they were, what they were doing and what was around them. They never even noticed until they looked at the big picture.  This isn’t always the case but when it is and you look back at those pictures and you see the things you passed off and didn't fully appreciate, you realize that you actually had a great time and should’ve been more in the moment, appreciating the gift that particular day had brung. Instead, you were too busy being unfocused to realize things were great until it was over.  Or you focus on the "over" part and can't fully enjoy the moment while it's happening and bringing you joy because you're busy worried about when the joy will come to an end. I did that about a week ago while hanging out at a bar with friends.  GREAT time, until I started thinking about going home. 
My life is actually pretty swell when I look back at pictures of it and reminisce.  I'm getting better at being in the moment, though I'm not fully there yet. 

Bad dog, Rex!

This is my favorite Charlie Brown and Snoopy movie, “Snoopy, Come Home.” In it, Snoopy has to escape an overzealous, crazy little girl who takes him in and names him “Rex” then abuses him with love, lol. Scroll to the 29:24 mark to see Snoopy and Woodstock get caught up, spanked, and choked out like a junkyard dog by this nutty little girl :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mj5Nm4Tf_rs&feature=related When my dog started to act out because he didn’t like being left alone, I was reminded of this movie and joked about spanking him, as well. “Heel, Rex!” Now, one week later I think I am finally getting used to dog ownership. Last week I pondered giving him away because his separation anxiety coupled with my "new responsibility anxiety" was too much for me to deal with. Prior to adopting him, every dog owner we know was a know-it-all dog expert. “Crate-train him,” they said. “Sure, you can leave a dog in the crate all day while you’re at work. He’ll be fine. Dogs love their crates, makes them feel safe and secure. It’s their den.” Why the hell I bothered listening to them is beyond me. A crate is essentially a cage and what sense does it make that a dog would actually enjoy being locked up inside a cage for hours every day, holding his pee and bored out of his wits? That’s irrational thinking and we soon realized that our dog did not like being caged at all. In fact, he hurt himself busting out of that thing on day two of being in it. Day one we came home to find him and everything inside the crate completely trashed. He’d ripped his toys, bedding, and everything else within reach to shreds and was not pleased to have been locked up. So we put him in the bathroom and returned a few hours later only to find he’d trashed the one thing we’d left in there with him – his bed. Then he peed on my carpet (5 times within one week). And every time one of us gets up to go anywhere within the house, he follows. Turning on the TV didn’t help him cope with being alone, neither did leaving him with an article of clothing that had my sons scent on it. He just ripped the scented hoodie to bits. But when we’re with him, caged or not, he’s a good, calm dog. He doesn’t chew on anything that isn’t his, he doesn’t bark, or do anything other than sleep, eat, walk around, and want to be rubbed down. So, since he freaks out whenever we leave him and we have to go to work and make a living, we decided to doggy-proof our backyard and buy him a dog house. He won’t go into the dog house for shit, lol, but he loves the backyard. He runs around as fast as he can, eats grass, rolls in the grass, and plays with whatever he can make a toy out of. Today was the first day we left him in the backyard by himself. He saw me drive off and my son said he scratched at the backdoor for a while wanting to be let in. Then he began to rip up my son’s old boxing gloves that were lying around outside. So now that we know he turns into the Tazmanian Devil when we leave him, there is no way he’s going to remain in my house while we’re gone because if I come home and my house is trashed by a crazy, anxiety-ridden dog, I will beat him like Rex/Snoopy and throw him out into the backyard for good. And I don’t want to do that. I just hope he gets over his separation anxiety fast so we can all stop worrying.

here he is being a good dog. He's 7months old, by the way.

Unrequited crushes suck. And I cant catch a break, it seems. If I'm interested, *he's not. If he's interested, I'm not. And round and round we go, getting nowhere. I'll be unhappy if I settle or if I don't. Although I'm sure I'd be even more unhappy if I settle. I'd much rather not torture myself. Being open to love, whether it ever comes or not, is much better than closing shop and settling. In other news, we got a dog. A 7month old pit terrier mix and he's a pretty good dog, as puppies go. He's already crate and house trained. He pulls the leash when walking and is becoming a little nippy, but thats minor compared to how destructive puppies can be. But it's only day 3. We'll have to wait and see how things go. The first night I had major anxiety and owners remorse. I was kicking kyself for giving in to my sons pleads to adopt him. But by the 3rd day I was fine and it was my sons turn to have owners remorse. He's feeling like a burdened new parent, like his freedom is gone and his puppy wont listen to him. I knew he had no idea what he was getting himself into. But at this point I've already invested over $700 into this dog so he'd better figure something out soon. I'll give him a few weeks and then we may have to have a talk about things. Clearly he didnt think about the 15 year responsibility this puppy would become. We shouldve gotten a much older dog. But it's whatever. We have Axl now.

Instead of being in the moment and enjoying it for what it was, I kept trying to live my fantasies, kept striving to change my reality into the one I'd always imagined, and before I realized it, 18 years had gone by and I'd practically missed them all. I regret waiting for the "right" time, waiting for the ideal situation, trying to plan a life instead of living one. To be fair, it wasn't easy to let go of those fantasies while fighting to survive, remain whole, to eat, and to raise a child and ensure that he had the best childhood I could muster with the money and time that I had. But I feel like I sort of missed it; 18 whole years gone and now it's too late to give him a sibling, a dog he can grow up with, I almost missed giving him a yard. By the skin of my teeth I'm here. I just wish I hadn't had to work so hard to get here. Going forward I plan to live more than I prepare for it. Because what a tragedy it would be if I was here, alive and able, yet I missed the entire event waiting for perfection. Today my son graduates from high school. To say that I am happy and relieved to see him reach this milestone is an understatement. I've literally dreamed of this moment for years. I've even pictured myself crying in the audience as he recieves his diploma and looks my way to smile and say "thank you." This was no walk in the park for me. This was harder for me than it was for him! And now he's here :) right on the precipice of completing something that was a very arduous and long time in the making and I could not be more proud and exhausted, lol. My job is done. I did it. Now I become his Parental Consultant :) It's time to celebrate. The frenzy to reach the finished line is over.

horrible day thus far

I spent the last two days in Las Vegas, Nevada with my son, my niece, and my mother, which was great until this morning. My mother and I had a bad argument so we left earlier than planned.  Then all 4 of the freeway entrances that I knew of going south on the 15 were closed. We spent an hour driving around Vegas because everyone we asked didnt know shit and there wasnt even ONE gatdamn sign offering a detour. Not one.  Then we finally made it home and discovered that Seth, my sons leopard gecko of 8 years had died :( My step dad dug a hole behind our garage and buried him in the box our ziplock bags came in. At press time, we are both still sad :(
I'd previously written much more but I decided to delete it. It's off my chest now, no need to air ALL of my laundry.

Anxiety, I has it. There is absolutely too much going on this month and too much on my mind. I just realized that our Vegas trip coincides with my sons finals week :(. Now I'm hoping and praying that his teachers allow him to take them early (like tomorrow or Wednesday) so that I dont lose upwards of $500 on this trip. And vacation is supposed to be stree-LESS. Psht! It doesnt help that I'm pms'ing a teensy bit, either. I'm up at 5am on my off day writing in a blog, for crying out loud. And I've been up since 3am. It seems that I worry about everything these days and it sucks. Somehow there are fleas in my backyard multiplying as I type this and I've no idea how to get rid of them. Google has been worthless in this regard. Plus, I'm afraid to go back there and even attempt to get rid of them, lest I become a meal to a thousand tiny vampires. Every little brush against my skin has me freaking out. OCD brushing and scratching, it's sick. It's what has me up at this insane hour on my off day. I was even dreaming about fleas. My son is in there sound asleep, and he will be until I wake him up at 10am. I wish I could still sleep lkke that. Being an adult is overrated. Being a single adult with no real or perceived parachute/safety net to hog the covers in bed with is also overrated. I think I'm finally ready to commit again. The trouble is finding someone worth it. Too many frogs and not nearly enough prince's. I've editted my KAM (Kameelah Assed List of SO requirements) to include strength. Confidence was already on there but I've realized that strength is major for me. I cannot be mentally stronger than my mate. Physically, maybe, but mentally, HELL no. If he has thin skin and a defeatist mentality, I wont be happy with him. No one can trust a wimp when times get hard and I need to be able to trust him. Wimps bail out, they don't persevere, they cannot be relied on. I am not a wimp. So, "No wimps" has made the top of my list. I'm already a mother to my son, I do not desire to be a mother to my man. And that right there eliminates many from my dating pool. Now, to be clear, when I say no wmps allowed I do not mean that I like assholes instead. Quite the contrary, I loathe assholes. What I mean is that I prefer kind, confident, unconditional strength. Not cocky, brash, dumb muscle heads. But he can be weak with me, of course :) Show his vulnerability, his humaness with me. Yep, thats what I need. Thats whats at the top of my list. Not money or looks, but strength. Alright, the sun is coming up. I'm going to try to get some zzz's before it's too late. My phone will be ringing by 9am, I'm sure.

The other day I attended a champagne party (pre-prom party) given by my good friend for her god daughter who is also her cousins daughter.  I believe the last time I saw this little girl, now 18, she was about 6 years old.  She still looked the same except she's taller, of course, and toting a pair of D cups.  She looked very much like a model and appeared very confident in her pink mini dress covered in jewels and with a silver organza ruffled train, posing like a diva.  My friend had her dress AND her shoes made and it was all quite the sight. When she walked out onto the pink carpet (the party was Barbie themed so there was a lot of pink) everyone went crazy snapping pictures and gawking.  And then, after about 20 straight minutes of picture taking, my friend turned to me and said "OMG! We forgot all about the little boy! Val, can you please go help him finish getting dressed?"  Of course I could and I was happy to.  Cute little boy, excited about his prom unlike my own boy, and he needed help with his bow tie and his boutineer.  When we were finished we both stood, me behind him, looking into the closet mirror smiling.  You had to be there, it was a pretty sweet moment.  Then we grabbed the corsage and headed outside while they played that Nikki Menage song ("I wish that I could have this moment for life..."), whatever it's called.
It was a great day in Gardena.  I couldn't believe how grown up all the kids looked.  Even squeaky voiced Dooter was tall and almost manly.  I hugged Kemarrea, with his big a**, and smiled at RoRo.  But what tripped me out was that it looked like these little boys were giving me googly eyes all day.  As I stood in line at the taco stand to get a couple of tacos, I watched RoRo, now a college freshman, walk over to some car parked across the street from the house. When he turned to walk back towards the house I'd turned my attention back to the taco man to place my order, so Ro didn't notice that I had noticed his new ride.  Probably a gift from Nana.  So he backed up and began a slower stroll away from the car and then hit the locks so the alarm would go off.  Lol, I looked up and he was staring at me.  And Dooter kept taking my picture.  His mom was going around telling everyone that her son was a photographer but I'm sure they didn't need a bunch of pictures of me.  So once all the hub-bub was over and most of the guests had left, there was just me, Kendrea, Tasha (the prom queens mom), Sherell, and Rachel left in the house talking about old times and discussing our plans for Kendrea's birthday in September.  As we were talking, Tasha's oldest son, now 23, walked in and sat down to talk with us.  At first I didn't recognize him.  He has a full beard now and stands about 5 foot 9 inches tall.  He mentioned something about wanting to go out with us and Rachel and Kendrea said something about cougars being at our hang outs, trying to discourage him from wanting to go.  I laughed right along and agreed that he wasn't "ready for no cougar," and that's when he pounced.  I was so not ready.  He scooted to the edge of his seat real quick, shot me a pair of bedroom eyes and asked me directly "what makes you think I'm not ready?"  I know that look so I started to stammer, caught completely off-guard.  He was trying to challenge me! He got up and walked over to me, extended his hand and said "don't you remember me?"  Puzzled and embarrassed, I shook his hand and he held on to mine.  Then Kendrea said "Val, that's RaeShawn, Tasha's son."
"OoooH, yeah!" I said, uncomfortable as hell.  "I can't believe how everyone has grown, wow!"
Meanwhile, he's still holding my hand, Tasha is looking bewildered and Rachel is cracking up laughing.  Then this kid says "So why don't you think I'm ready? I promise you I am," looking dead at me with all the confidence in the world, which, I have to admit was very sexy.  However, he still looked every bit of his age even with all that facial hair.  There is no way in this world I would entertain that child but I hate to admit he damn sure entertained me!
But bold, right!?  I asked him how old he was and then I told him "You're not ready because you haven't lived yet.  You don't want a cougar."  He wasn't quite convinced but I think the expression on my face made him finally release my hand. Then someone said "Yeah, you get with a cougar and you'll end up on Love Addiction, lol." Which is also true ;)
At that moment a bunch of people came in from outside and were talking about racing home to beat the Staples Center traffic, which was my cue to leave.  I got up and began hugging all of my girl's goodbye and RaeShawn rushed across the room to me smiling with his arms outstretched for a hug.  I laughed and hugged him and Tasha said "Alright now, y'all old broads better leave my son alone," laughing.  A mess.
So that is what I missed when I moved out here to Pasadena.  Kids grew up, more babies were born, folks got fat, and Andrea, Kendrea's mom, still loves me :)  

Looking out for numero uno

This morning I had to have a talk with my son.  I see in him a trait that I learned too late in life to reign in – the need to save everyone but myself.  Over the past two weeks he has been taking care of everyone but himself.  For instance, he played cupid and hooked up two of his best friends and now they are a couple who wants to come to my house and hang out all day and night snuggled up in each other’s arms on my couch.  Meanwhile, my son had studying and chores and other important things to do but he was too busy playing hostess and chaperone to them.  I had planned to spend the afternoon walking around in my drawls and then I wanted to take us out to dinner last night because I didn’t feel like cooking.  I told him this via text message, lol (the dinner part, not the drawls thing), and he assured me that his friends would be leaving soon.  So I waited in my bedroom.  An hour passed and my stomach was flipping and flopping, just outright having a tantrum, so I texted him again and said “do you just want to order a pizza for all of us?” but he insisted that his friends had eaten already and would be leaving soon.  ANOTHER hour passed and I was losing patience so I walked into the kitchen to fix myself a snack.  On the way, I peeked into the living room and saw my son sitting in the chair watching television while his friends were snuggled up together on my couch.  They did not appear to be leaving soon.  Ugh.  I took my yogurt back to my bedroom to brood.  By 8pm my shows were on and I damn sure didn’t want to leave the house but I was determined to eat something that my hands did not prepare so, after about 5 or 6 more text messages, I gave up and went to Carl’s Jr.  “Where are you going, mom?” he asked me as I grabbed my keys and was heading out the door. “I’ll be back,” I said, and split.  Those damn love bird friends of his didn’t leave until 9:30pm when my son and his guy friend walked his girl friend home.  Then he texts me from her house “Hey mom, Kayla’s mom hasn’t met Khyron yet so she’s making us food and wants to talk to him for a while.”  Exasperated, I told him that he’d better be home by 10:30 and not a minute later.  I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer so I fell asleep, but at 10:30 on the nose my son came to wake me up to ask me if Khyron could spend the night.  His grandmother promised to pick them both up in the morning and take them to school.  Fine.  I like Grandma Betty and Khyron, and I’m sure poor Grandma Betty didn’t feel like climbing out of her bed either, to come and pick Khyron up at 10:30.  But then, at 1:30am, I woke up and saw lights on in the living room.  “Khryon wanted to talk,” Miles told me.  “If you don’t take your butt to bed…!” I yelled. “Y’all have to be at school in 6 hours.”  Meanwhile, my sleep rhythm was all off and I was irritable.  Then, at 4am I had to pee and noticed that the TV was on in the living room.  Khryon had it on mute but the flashing light was still a bother.  Is this kid afraid of the dark? I wondered.  I turned off the tube on my way back from the bathroom and crawled back into bed with a million thoughts on my mind, and with every intention to have a talk with my son about his responsibility to himself.  Dios mio, what a night.  The only reason I didn’t flip all the way out is because the test he needs to study for is tomorrow and he did a bit of studying the day before yesterday (prior to having his friends over) and can do more tonight.  But this morning I told him that he’s going to have to put everyone else on the backburner until school is out and move himself to the forefront.  No more of this fixing people up like he’s Chuck Woolery.  I want my house back and I want my son to take better care of himself.  And I want the option to walk around in my drawls, an old oversized t-shirt, and some mismatched socks.

Rambling

I want an Ahi tuna salad from Louise’s Trattoria. It’s drizzling outside, gloomy and cold, just the way I like it and I’m happy. I got rid of some dead weight recently and now I feel so much lighter. Removing negativity from my life was a fantastic move. It’s added fuel to my glee. I can’t imagine anything better than not having your thoughts interrupted with malice. I don’t know why I didn’t do this sooner (yes, I do, I’m too forgiving). Anyway, I’m much more inspired and productive today. I’ve been jotting down ideas in my little red “create” booklet all morning. Pinterest really has my inspirational juices flowing. Oh, I forgot to mention that I reupholstered my ottoman in a gorgeous Ikat fabric! I am really truly proud of the job I did, too (see pics below). Last night I spent 4.75 hours on the phone with a friend I hadn’t spoken to in a while. It’s weird, we didn’t fall out or anything, we just couldn’t find the time to chat, kept playing phone tag and email tag, and then we forgot we were playing any games at all. She has four children ranging in age from 3 to 17, in school and after-school activities, she’s in school herself, works full time, is trying to build a party planning business, and has a great boyfriend. So it’s no wonder she never had much time. Me, well, I’ve been all over the place, here and there, living in my head, taking classes, working full time, and maintaining a to-do list a mile long. Speaking of which, my garden is coming along nicely and I’ve started building a bed swing. So my friend and I talked, and talked, and talked and laughed, and laughed, and made plans to get together around the 19th for her cousins party she’s planning which will be after my nieces graduation from her master’s program. It was really nice reconnecting with someone genuine, who knows me, understands me, and appreciates me. We had our rocky road but we’ve always managed to get over it quickly and unscathed. We’re planning a trip to the Sugar Factory in Vegas for her birthday this year. Either there or to Paradise Cove in San Diego. We’ve been friends since our children attended pre-school together about 14 years ago. So after almost 7 months apart, we had a lot to discuss.

OTTOMAN BEFORE:

 OTTOMAN AFTER:

I spent hours removing dozens of staples from an old, covered ottoman

my hands were red from squeezing a pair of needle nose pliers and ripping each staple (and there were many) from the wood and vinyl, then removing the hardware, because this is a storage ottoman, and now I dont feel like recovering it with the fabric I've cut out for it. So... it's just sitting there, next to all the clothes I've dumped out of it and onto the floor. I also need a bit more foam to make it more plush but I dont feel like going to Michael's or Joann's, either. Ah well.

Prom is for chicks

…and guys heavy into fashion, apparently. While teenaged girls are giddy with excitement, swarming the malls like manic lunatics looking for dresses and accessories to go with their shoes and hair and manicure designs, teenaged boys really aren’t pressed. Frankly, they don’t give a damn. This revelation was pretty sobering for me, a mother who was once an emotional teenaged girl who took big stock in prom. Mines didn’t live up to the hype so I was hoping to make my sons a little better, although he couldn’t care less. It has been a struggle to even get him to go shopping. Last Saturday he hemmed and hawed at the suggestion that we make a trip to get fitted at JosA Bank, which would’ve temporarily taken him away from his video game playing, so I backed off and let him and his friend continue slaying folks in Skyrim. He doesn’t even want his own chauffeured car, opting instead to limo-pool with two of his buddies, one of whom practically begged my son to buy himself a prom ticket. He didn’t want to “spend $65 on a dance,” so he waited until yesterday to get his ticket. Hemming and hawing, I imagine, all the way to the Student Affairs office.  At first I thought that maybe he didn’t want to go because he didn’t have a date but then I overheard (okay, I eavesdropped) him and his friends talking and discovered that two girls had asked him to be their date and he’d arranged for one of them to go with his friend, DJ who has never had a girlfriend. So Tuesday night before Glee came on he and I were chatting, as usual, and prom came up. We were laughing about one of the twins saying that his prom date last year looked like "a delicious chocolate mint" in her green dress, while he resembled a "giant pistachio." This girl asked him to be her date to her prom and his mother prodded him to accept.
That was maybe our fourth time discussing prom, after I'd had similar discussions about the other prom-aged boys in my family with my mother, and it finally became clear to me that boys just really don’t care; prom is primarily for chicks. The shopping trips, the manicures, pedicures, new shoes (one of his classmates convinced her dad to buy her a pair of $700 shoes, which the boys found utterly ridiculous), and new hairstyles, the glamour of it all is highly appealing to girls (who have all been sold Cinderella stories). Boys just tend to show up for the dancing and camaraderie, which isn’t novel at all, despite it never really getting old. While they were supposed to be out tuxedo shopping they were in my backyard sparring with each other like mixed martial arts fighters and videotaping it for their other friends to see. They didn’t have to get dressed up and admission to my backyard is free. Plus, the refrigerator was stocked.
So girls want that Cinderella experience and boys just want to box. I saw on the news that many parents are planning to spend a small fortune on prom for their daughters, equating it to a mini-wedding. How sad. As if to say “we’d better do this now, while we can because who knows if you’ll ever get married,” putting way too much importance on pomp and circumstance. The pageantry of it all will have at least half of these girls needing a shrink before they’re 30. So actually, it’s kind of a relief for me that my boy doesn’t need the type of validation and attention that teenaged girls crave. He’d actually rather SAVE me money than spend it. I guess I had him pegged all wrong, lol. Anyway, I’m glad that cultural mores have changed a bit and this generation’s kids aren’t feeling as much pressure and anxiety to fit the same mold we’ve been cramming ourselves into since the 50s. After all, it’s just a party.

There's nothing not to love about me! (c) Beyonce

No, no, no, there's nothing not to neeed about meeee!

I'm in a great mood today. Just spent a small fortune on some MMA tickets for my boy.  He's psyched, naturally.  Had a good, long, funny chat with my friend, Sandy.  She told me how she spent almost 25 years not realizing that she had a degree.  Crazy.  Then, I discovered that I have a small crush on a doctor who resembles Wesley Snipes.  Crushing is fun.  Acting on said crush is scary.  He waved at me the other day, that's how we began talking about him.  Then we went straight to Google and discovered he's sort of a boss. Credentialled the fuck out. Smh.  Fellowship trained at an internationally renowned school, medical degree, masters in engineering with a focus on physics, BA in electrical engineering, studied in France, has a degree in romance languages, too!  I'd totally be nice to him, lol.  The day he waved at me I was caught completely off guard.  I've seen him around a handful of times and only made note that he was black and a doctor, since you don't see too many black doctors on this campus.  But I've always gone on about my business.  Well, I was yapping on my cellphone, sitting outside of Emergency when he walked past, smiled at me and waved.  I was shocked.  So I just waved back.  And now I'm crushing.  His glamour shots on the internet are hot and "ringless" and he volunteers with children.  I have no plans at all to speak to him unless I am spoken to, though.  I'm just going to smile, wave and keep it moving.  No need in risking making a fool of myself.  I hope to keep this healthy happy crush from crushing me.
It's been raining and hailing all day.  I have to get home and check on my newly-planted infant trees.
I've been watching this video a lot lately.  Don't you just love Beyonce? There's nothing not to love about her :)  Especially when she's dressed in Rosie the Riveter meets Betty Page after work clothing.  I'd wear all of that TODAY
http://vimeo.com/11465235

my kid is kind of awesome sometimes

My natural inclination is to worry about him but I really dont need to. And at times we'll have a talk that pretty much tells me to "relax, mom. I've got this." Last night I was fretting about this, that, and the other so I called him into my room and asked him what his plans were for prom. I wasnt worried about prom but that was my intro to bigger things, you know. The next thing I knew we were talking about the mission we built together for his 5th grade project, his elementary school principle coming to school one Halloween dressed as a giant pumpkin, how much fun he had at homecoming this year and the Royal Ball ("I was on fire," he said giving me a glimpse of his dance moves that night), how much fun we'd had in Hawaii together a couple of years ago, then Costa Rica last year, and how crazy we both looked on our passport pictures, lol, then, how excited we both were to get home after being away for an entire week in a Spanish speaking country (we dropped our luggage and kissed the walls, lol). What I thought would be a rushed 15 minute conversation ended up being a two hour conversation about his future plans, my future plans, his favorite cartoon, his government class, his closest friends (he has 6 bff's. Although he'd never call them bff's, lol), how ugly one of his bff's looked last year when he wore a pistacio colored suit to prom because that was the color his date had chosen for her prom. We also made tentative plans to take a trip to DC and go museum hopping. It'd be great if we could get there for the Fourth of July but I'm sure flights and hotels would be super expensive during that time. But we'll see. Anyway, he did more than put my worries away, he inspired me to live a little better. I've been somewhat paralyzed with fear, a bit complacent, and kind of weak. He asked me if I'd planned to work for my boss forever.
Earlier that day I'd come home to find that one of my favorite, vintage throw pillows was ruined and, of course, he had no clue what had happened. I instantly became frustrated and furious so I yelled and fussed and then slammed my bedroom door. About 20 minutes later I found him and one of his bff's (Kai) in the dining room trying to pin the pillow case back together. And then that night during our heart to heart he told me that he'd been in his bedroom playing video games with Kai all afternoon and that his ex girlfriend, who is now just his friend, and their mutual girl friend, were in the living room the whole time watching movies on the couch (this was confirmed when I came home from work at the same time the two girls had arrived). But he assured me that he'd get to the bottom of the mystery of my ruined, one of a kind pillow. So I smiled.
Eff that pillow. My kid is awesome sauce :)

More talk about my home

I’ve figured out a way to rid my property of squirrels and other rodents: strongly scented flowers and oils.  Or so says multiple sites on the internet.  Daffodils, Wood Hyacinth, Allium flowers, and other scents like peppermint oil, pepper, garlic, and cayenne are said to keep them at bay.  So I’m going to plant some and see how it works.  All three flower species are lovely so if they work as promised it’ll be a win-win for me.  And, as suggested online, I’m going to soak a cloth in peppermint oil and put it inside a coffee can, then place it inside my garage to keep mice and rats from seeking shelter there.  My neighbor found a dead possum under his shed L  Gross.  I’m so glad I wasn’t home when he made that discovery.  Anyway, the planting instructions say I was supposed to plant these flowers at the end of fall so that they would bloom in spring but I’m hoping I’m not way too late, since it’s just barely spring.  As long as it’s not summer, I think I’ll be okay.  If nothing else it will be an experiment in learning to cultivate a green thumb.  Speaking of which, the trees I planted are doing okay, it seems *knock on wood.  And truth be told, I kind of enjoyed digging in the dirt and planting them.  I love decorating, even the outdoors.

Free Food at Work is the Debil

I fell off the no-meat wagon yesterday and paid for it last night.  It was an accident, really.  And who knew that Italian sausage (I think it was) would make me feel so terrible?  I had Louise’s penne pasta in cheese sauce with some sort of ground meat (pork?) and it was damn good…on its way going down into my belly.  But at around 3am while I lay sleeping, it started to come back up.  I felt it in my throat and had to abruptly sit up to keep from vomiting.  Twice I had to interrupt my sleep to keep from regurgitating. I felt miserable by the time I had to get up for work. And I STILL feel like there's metal in my throat at 4pm today.  All I’ve eaten was a veggie burrito, a granola bar, and a Snickers bar. So I’m swearing off that crap; nothing but fish and rabbit food for me from here on out.  I’ve learned my greedy lesson.  And to make matters worse, I think I’ve regained the 5 pounds that I’d lost.  The good thing is that I love veggies, bread, and pasta.

It's not all in my head

(I wrote all of my thoughts down and blogger didn't save any of it :( So this is a rushed rewrite)

Recently, I was asked whether or not I had race-related conversations with my friends of other races.  I do not.  Mainly because whenever I've tried, no one really wants to talk about it.  It's not their reality and it doesn't affect their day-to-day so they'd rather live like racism, the kind that affects me, doesn't exist.  Only one of my friends of another race has ever even asked me a race-related question. She said that she was trying to understand but I got the sense that she was more interested in pointing out that the woman in question was merely paranoid.  So when I was asked whether I had such discussions with my friends of other races, I told the story of the time I'd gone to dinner with four friends, one Indian, one Asian, one Costa Rican, and one Armenian. Then there was me, the black one.
We all met up at a popular Chinese restaurant in Pasadena,California.  After we arrived and were seated, I got up and went to wash my hands. 5 chairs and my purse was on the back of mines being guarded by my friends. Our waiter came around and poured everyone a glass of water, except me. Hrm. Then he came back while I was seated and took everyone's drink order, overlooking me yet again. He literally asked each one of them what they wanted, except me. I waited to be asked but nothing. He left. I made mention of this to the girls, like "uh, I know y'all saw that," and they all looked puzzled. Shortly after that, the waiter came back with their drinks and still didn't acknowledge me sitting there. All four of them had two glasses in front of them and I had none. Nobody said anything, we just observed. As he sat drinks in front of each of them, they were nervously waiting for me to make a scene but that wasn't my intent at all. If I was going to throw down the race card I wanted them to witness the whole ordeal for themselves. I wanted them to acknowledge it for what it was -  not a figment of my imagination.  If any of them had an explanation to the contrary, none of them offered it up.  They just sat their, uncomfortable because I'd decided to point out the elephant in the room.  The waiter returned again and refilled their water glasses, still pretending that I didn't exist. By this time they couldn't tell me that he wasn't either an asshole, a racist, or both. So I asked him when I could expect to be asked what I wanted to drink and he was like "oh, uh...what do you want to drink?" 0_0
I pointed out that all four of my friends had two glasses in front of them and I had none, despite him being at our table at least 3 times since we got there. He simply looked embarrassed.
But what really pissed me off was that at the end of dinner the restaurant had comped all of our drinks and because of that my Armenian friend felt bad for the waiter, so she decided to tip him double. She cared more about a strangers' feelings than she did mine, her so-called friend.  I was extremely hurt but, like a fool, I never addressed her about it.  I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable, even though she obviously didn't care that I was made to feel uncomfortable. This wouldn't be the last time something like this would occur and I'd let it go.  What was the point? Who cared?  Only me.
I often get the feeling that many think that racism is a figment of our (black peoples) imaginations. That we are just paranoid and that no one would, consciously or unconsciously, discriminate against us.  Which is exactly the reason why I handled the restaurant situation the way I did. I recognized it.  I knew immediately what it was but I wanted them to see it unequivocally, no excuses, no rationalizing it. They were all speechless, yet I suspect that at least half of them sympathized more with the waiter than they did with me.  Try as they might, they couldn't explain it in any way that would make me believe that I didn't experience what I'd experienced.  So they chose to ignore it.
There are thousands of senseless murders and hate crimes in this country, yet I don't know of any where the police allowed the murderer to go free while the murdered, a child, lay dead in a morgue for three days, despite having a cellphone on him and despite his father filing a missing persons report.  No one bothered to figure out who he was, no one cared whether someone was looking for him.  They took the word of his killer claiming self-defense even though this child wasn't carrying any weapon at all and was merely walking home from a convenience store.  It has now been months since his murder and, despite knowing full well who his killer was because he confessed, no arrest has been made. That baffles me.  There is no comparison between this hate crime, this murder, and any other that I have heard of that didn't involve a black youth.
Like Trayvon Martin, my child wears a hoodie every single day, and he has for the last four years.  He is a 6 foot, 1 inch tall, black 17 year old and, sometimes, when it rains he wears his hoodie over his head, like Trayvon did.  Every day before he leaves our house I have to instill fear in him for his own safety, I worry and pray that no one acts on their prejudices against him.  Through no fault of his own, he fits a stereotype - he's young, black, and he wears a hoodie to stay warm.  I doubt that it would make a difference if he chose to wear a coat rather than a hoodie.  He'd still be young, black, and tall.  Or, according to my new ex-military co-worker, he'd still be "suspicious-looking".  Unlike my co-worker, though, my son doesn't have the luxury of wearing whatever he wants.  He barely even has the luxury to exist.  So yes, I am angry. I have a right to be angry. Trayvon's family has a right to be angry. We should all be angry!
The post linked below sums it up so accurately, it hurts:
http://blacksnob.com/snob_blog/2012/3/20/no-apologizes-on-the-killing-of-trayvon-martin-and-being-goo.html

What’s going on?

I’m going to the races today for a marketing event with a friend of mines. Her sales pitch to get me to go was “there’s going to be ALL YOU CAN EAT FOOD! LOTS of it! Any and everything you could think of.” Lol, I mean…do I look greedy? But okay, you’ve twisted my arm. I’ll go. And eat. Hahaha. I like the old timey feel of going to a horse race and saying that I’m going to bet on a pony. It’s kind of cool, and the park and view of the mountains is absolutely stunning. Hmm… now that I think of it, maybe she kept trying to sell me on the food because when we went to the L.A. Times Food and Wine event I was damn near running from station to station sampling everything they had to offer, while she ate little to nothing. But she told me to go hungry so I hadn’t eaten for hours prior to us getting there, and we didn’t get there until mid-afternoon when the event was almost over.

I have trees for my backyard now! New trees, that is. I’ve always just had the one big one back there (two in front) but now that my neighbors’ ugly old shed is exposed on one side of my property, I needed to add some privacy/pretty ambiance. So my gardening-lady-friend picked up 4 trees for me to plant back there. She gets them wholesale so I saved a ton of my schillings. Now I’m just waiting for it to rain and the ground to soften up a bit for me to plant them. I hope I don’t kill them. Although she assures me that I won’t; that they’re super easy to take care of. I hope she’s right. I’m struggling with the succulent clippings she brought me last time. And succulents are supposed to be easy=peasy. I paid The Boy and a few of his friends yesterday to clear the area and clean up a bit over there yesterday. Next, I’m thinking of adding a white little garden picket fence and some teapot planters (idea I saw on pinterest) to jazz it up and make it comfy cozy. I cannot WAIT until the weather stays warm and I can spend time out there, project a movie out there, sit around the fire pit…aaaah, it’s going to be grrrreeat!

The other day we had to feed Seth a cricket with a pair of tweezers. He isn’t doing too well, poor guy. We’ve had him for 6 years and I had almost given up hope, thinking that he would die soon and feeling like there was nothing we could do about it. But then I actually woke up in the middle of the night worrying about that little critter. So after work on Tuesday Miles and I went to Pet Smart for some advice and to buy five large crickets. The sales rep told us to try feeding him ourselves since he can’t see. The problem is that he sheds often and with the crazy weather changes he’s not getting enough moisture in his tank to help rid him of the excess skin. And, although it has crossed my mind, I am not buying a room humidifier just for him (I wonder if they have one for his tank...hmm...GOOGLE!).  So for months now he has had what looks like a skin helmet clouding his eyes and nostrils, poor thing. When his tail started to thin out and he began hiding more, we knew things weren’t good for him. Anyway, we got him to eat one cricket with the help of a pair of tweezers and it was obvious that he was starving; he just couldn’t see his prey to catch them. When my son lifted his hand and the tweezers out of the tank, there was a cricket leg still attached, haha. Gross. But Sethy is eating and he’s no longer hiding out.

Then, on my way home about a week or so ago, the check engine light in my car came on. I took it in for service. Two hours later they tell me that they also fixed a recall issue with the dashboard. Apparently, some people were experiencing a rattling noise in their dashboards while they drove. I wasn’t one of those people, though…until they tried fixing the problem in mine. The very next day I was on the freeway ready to pull my hair out (or about to crash) trying to figure out what was making that rattling sound in my dash. So I finally took it back in after work yesterday and they weren’t done with it until 9pm last night. Luckily, I live nearby so I was able to walk home and wait in comfort. But I still have to take the car back because they had to order the tiny part that is missing in the dash.

I’m getting pickier and pickier as I age. I think. Or maybe it’s just that now I know precisely what I want and what I won’t bother to deal with. A cartoonist befriended me about a week ago. He’s a pretty good artist. I sized him up and while he’s not one of my types, I decided to give him a shot anyway. Eh… I’m already not interested. His teeth are majorly fucked up yet he’s always smiling! Lol, wtf? And not even a little smile. Nope, a great big ole, full of teeth smile. I looked at his Facebook page the other day and he has over 4000 “friends” and is HEAVILY into sports. Red flags. I’m talking about every single post for 2011 and 2012 he made was sports related. Dude is obsessed. Like there is nothing else going on in his life. In every one of his pictures he’s wearing a team jersey, team hoodie, team beanie. I also noticed that his raggedy teeth have a brown hue. He’s fit, he’s always in the damn gym, but if all you want to talk about is sports you’ve got the wrong girl. I’ll watch…occasionally, and I’ll go into the other room to read and let you watch…occasionally. I’ll even attend live games and enjoy myself. But I will not subject myself to sports 24/7. No sir-ee, Bob. I’m not interested. And it seems that’s all he wants to talk about.

Him: how was your weekend?
Me: Great! I did x, y and z. How was yours?
Him: I watched basketball.
Me: ...Oh, okay :) March Madness, huh?
Him: and the nba.
Me: …
Him: …

I don’t know why some guys want a woman who is just like them, loves every single thing that they love, etc. Women don’t expect men to want mani/pedi’s, to think Anthony Mackie is hot, to be anxious about seeing the latest chick flicks, or want to watch home improvement and decorating shows with us, etcetera. Let me have my interests and I’ll let you have yours. Hell, I’m even open to liking some stuff you like but don’t push me and don’t act like it’s a requirement. It's merely a plus. As long as we’re similar and like-minded that’s all that should matter. Don’t force your shit on me and be devastated if I don’t love it. I am not you with a vagina.

Saturday

Sometimes i wake up so excited about living that i dont know where to begin. Today is one of those days :) Theres so much to see, to do, so many places to go, so many things to wear, to buy, so many delicious options! but just one day to do it all. *sigh
Tomorrow I am meeting two of my dearest friends to commemorate one of their birthdays. We're getting manicures and a late lunch/early dinner. After that I will go home and start getting prepared for the work week ahead. But today options abound! Carpe diem!

Assholes in my midst *sigh

I don’t trust you simply because you exist. Nor do I have a high opinion of you if I don’t even know you. For some reason, there are people who cannot understand this. Upon meeting a person the only things that I know, usually, are their race, gender, and other superficial qualities about them. Things that tend not to matter. These are never enough to warrant my trust or esteem. Let me get to know you, not merely by what you say, but also by how you behave. And don’t rush me to form an opinion because if I am rushed, more than likely my opinion will be that you are an asshole and I don’t like assholes. Simple, right? I’d like to think so, but someone I know can’t seem to get this. He is getting on every last one of my nerves trying to force me to like someone that I don’t, which is making me despise the both of them. And the reason I don’t like this person could very well be because I haven’t had a chance to get to know them. My default setting is not to like a person and then ask questions later. On the contrary, I don’t like you until I’ve been given a reason to like you, based on your character. And until I am given a reason to, you mean absolutely nothing to me. You simply exist. I’ve made note of that, now allow me to form an opinion of your existence, mkay? Sheesh.

Children - a rant

The costs of having and raising children greatly outweigh the benefits. Yet, despite this fact and this God-forsaken economy, many idiots are still getting themselves knocked up willingly. It’s mind-boggling, like a self-inflicted paper cut. Why would anyone want to do that to themselves? As a parent of one (and done), let me tell you, I am an authorized spokesperson and certified expert on the matter of parenting. And my studies show that, in exchange for having to spend thousands of dollars every year, parents get to become indentured servants for 18+ years to a whiny freeloader/s, changing shitty diapers/shitty clothing, possibly getting peed in the eye, enduring rancid bedroom and foot odors that permeate throughout the rest of the house, raucous sleepovers during school holidays that don’t necessarily coincide with work holidays, lousy children’s’ movies, sleepless nights, less sex, viruses, spam and spyware on the family computer as a result of secret porn viewing, excessive worrying, stress, tension, frustration, rebellion, entitlement, getting raped by afterschool care and the school bookstore for suspiciously lost or overdue books, among many, many other things. It’s much more than a laundry list, trust me.  You can fool yourself into believing that you are the one in control but let me warn you, YOU ARE NOT.  Nor will you ever be.  Good luck trying to have a battle of wits with a crying newborn, a tantrum throwing 2 year old, or a rebellious teenager.  Who do you think will get the best of whom? Think about it. Who's actually winning those battles?  If you care even a shred, you'll be on the losing end more often than not. 
No one in their right mind would sign up to pay for this thankless job. On the contrary, no matter how well you do as a parent, if your kid, who has a mind of his own, fucks up, society blames YOU. Yes, that’s right. You get no thanks, no recognition for raising responsible adults who might be an asset to society, but you will get ostracized if your kid grows up and becomes an asshole, despite your best intentions and efforts to prevent it. And what kid doesn’t have a mind of their own? Genes be damned. It’s totally a crap shoot.  Don’t fool yourself into believing otherwise.
Frankly, I am of the opinion that my retirement savings is infinitely more important than a teenager driving or having a college savings account. I paid for my own college and continue to do so. It’s the gift that I continue to give myself, reluctantly, and is the way of the free world. But the buck has to stop somewhere so in my mind kids should fund their own education and lifestyles once they turn 18. It’s only right. But don’t think that I don’t love my kid, because I do. Otherwise, I would have quit this job years ago. It’s not his fault that I allowed myself to get knocked up, decided to carry him to term and keep him. And for whatever its worth, he has brought a smile to my face on more than a few occasions over the many, many years we've been together. However, when it comes time for me to rest and count down my days on this Earth, I am not wholly confident that I can count on him for support. So what good is he? Lol. The money that I'm spending on him I could be using to fund my retirment.  Undoubtedly, he will continue to lean on and leech off of me for years to come, well beyond his 20s and quite possibly a bit into his 30s. As will his children.  I’ve seen it happen to others time and time again. Now, I won’t leave him out on the porch when his 18th birthday arrives; I will continue to help him. But there are limits. Just like how Uncle Sam took away my $1500 child tax credit when he turned 17 last November (curses! @#$%%^! It’s not like I suddenly stopped taking care of my child last year. I deserve that credit, you rotten bastards!), I am taking that money back from him the minute he turns 18 this year, meaning he’ll get far less perks than before. And by March of this year, he’d better have a job or be doing something very productive with his time or else all hell will break loose in my house. Let freedom ring.

Now having said all that let me also let the record reflect that my kid is a good kid.  He’s kind, caring, responsible enough that I don’t lose sleep, respectful, drug-free, gang-free, modest, funny, sweet, and normal.  But he still costs money, lol.

When you're with people you love, watching a movie outside, having brunch, exploring...time stands still. The rest of the world doesn't occupy your mind. The focus of your existence is your love, being loved, and being happy. It's the most comforting aspect of life. This morning I woke up (thank God) and started perusing Pinterest. A friend of mines is a gardener but not the type that mows lawns; she takes care of plants and flowers. She brought me a bowl of succulents to plant the other day and i need ideas on what to plant them in. And on her pin board there was this photo. It stopped me dead in my tracks. I could see myself in that photo with people I care about. And we'd be happy and nothing more on earth would matter.I miss that feeling, living that way. I still get to experience it with my son, mom and extended family but it's not the same as when my son was little and we had our family. I'm the type of mon who makes candy apples just because, who turns movie night into a treat with homemade caramel popcorn and fancy desserts, complete with blankets, pillows, and surround sound in the living room, and sometimes in my bedroom. But he's growing up now and soon he'll be wanting to spend that time with a girlfriend, then eventually a wife and kids of his own. By then, I suppose I'll be that type of grandma. But until then, who will I have to spend those times with? This is when I miss my ex the most. We did all of that and then some. I cherish those memories. They are a good contrast to the things about him that weren't good.
Anyway, I have to get up from here, exercise, shower, wash my hair, and drive to Pomona for a housewarming. Have a great day :)

I don't know why I'm up

My pillow is too flat so I tossed and turned a lot. Dreamed i was in Sweden (I was reading The Girl Who Played with Fire before bed. It's set in Sweden). It's almost 4am and I have to get dressed for work in two hours. I miss him. When I used to wake up like this, he'd help me get back to sleep. I try not to think about it but I'm constantly being reminded of the good things about him. I have to remind myself of the not-so-good things and why I left. Doesnt make it easier, though. We could've had it all (c) Adele.
It's hard. Where did my life go? Time is just too fast. And unforgiving.
Ive been meaning to replace these pillows for a few weeks now. Maybe I'll make my way to Walmart this weekend.

Letting go of childish things

I've outgrown a lot of things that I used to enjoy, but old habits are sometimes hard to break. I think it would help if I had something to replace them with. I sort of do; the caveat is that I have to do it enough for it to become a habit, replacing the old habit. I need change fast, though, because these old things that I've outgrown are beginning to bug the shit out of me.
A friend of mines seems to have the same problem. She'll be 38 next month and every time she's bored her go-to remedy is the club. I'm not really into clubs and that scene, and the times that I've gone out with her remind me why. She gets drunk and loose, too loose for my taste. The men are usually stuck up, the women tend to be bitches, it's always dark as hell and even though I'm not drunk, I feel like I am because I can't see shit. It's a waste of good clothes and hair, if you ask me. But she's so accustomed to being a party girl I'm convinced she doesn't know what else to do with herself. Boredom is the devil. I think my catalyst for change will be my sewing machine. Eventually, I see it changing my life. I just have to make it a habit.

It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me…

…and I’m feeling good. Woke up this morning right on schedule and didn’t feel tired at all. I slept so well that the bed was practically still made when I got out of it. I even had time to make myself some oatmeal and try something different with my hair. I’m not stressed, not even about the things I could be stressed about. Why worry? Life happens. I haven’t been sweating much of anything lately, which is coo-de-la in my book. Today the plant maintenance lady at my job put me on to some spectacular container gardens on Pinterest, some of which I plan to emulate. I strung solar lights around the top of my pergola a couple of weeks ago and every evening when they’re lit up, twinkling in the dark backyard, I beam. It’s going to be great sitting out there in the spring and summer with the fire pit lit, blankets and beverages at dusk. I’ve been really minding my money lately, though, so I’m doing things slowly. I don’t have the clams to blow on a complete yard make-over in one sitting. But I’m still loving my gardener! I’m so glad that I decided to hire help. My son always did a half assed job. Anyway, I don’t have much to say today except that I’m in good spirits, feeling cozy in this rainy weather, and looking forward to more good days to come.
I'm looking at facebook right now and the daughter of a family friend posted a picture of herself captioned "pretty girl swag" and my first thought was "all the weave in the world won't be able to detract from that ugly face you have." I don't like her or her mother, mainly because they don't like me and neither have a reason not to, lol.  Well, other than the fact that they're both unattractive, I guess.
Anywhoo, enjoy your day, please.

2/14/12

I expect that this year will be quite memorable. I’m anticipating many life changing events to occur. For one, this is my son’s final year of high school, which means that I will officially be done parenting. My job will become that of Lead Consultant :) and mentor. He is now a young man, on his way to becoming a grown man, and I am confident that I have taught him well. Now his life is his to decide and I hope he makes wise enough choices (with my guidance, of course). As he is putting around through his life, whenever he reaches an impasse or crossroads, he can call on me for advice and guidance. But all of his decisions once he graduates and turns 18 will be solely his to make. He will have to be the advocate of his fate. I’m going to try to make the transition as seamless and stress free as possible because I know the anxiety that comes with such a huge life changing event. After spending your life living the same script, once you graduate and have to begin something new (like leaving the nest) it’s pretty damn frightening, exciting, worrisome, etc.

In addition, I will have an empty nest and officially be single and free for the first time in 20 years. Wow. I was 17 years old when I met his dad. And since then, I have spent the majority of the last 20 years in a relationship and/or as a mother. By summer of this year, I will be neither in a relationship (I think) or a full time parent. I’m not sure what I will do with myself but I damn sure won’t be upset about it, lol. I’ll be free to do whatever I want! Whenever I want, however I want, with whomever I want. How amazing that will be, a new beginning for both of us, together. It’s funny to me that many of the people I know who are around my age, are all starting to get married and/or become first time parents, and I’m on a completely different path. The other day while blow drying my hair I spotted a long, silver strand in the back of my head. I gasped at first, surprised, and then I smiled. There is no way in hell I will pluck it; I earned that mother#!*@&$, and seeing it reminded me of how far I’ve come, how much I’ve accomplished, and where I am now in my life. I don’t feel old (I’m NOT old, since I started early), just much more mature, experienced and established. I no longer have daydreams of being an adult, wearing expensive heels, fancy dresses or suits, buying my first home or my first car, starting a family, or all the other romantic notions that people have before they’ve actually experienced adult life. I’ve been there, done that. These days my daydreams consist of traveling the world, starting a business, retiring early to Hawaii, and finding a partner with similar wants and needs to lie in the hammock next to me and sip mint julep lemonade, lol. Building a strong retirement portfolio stays on my mind. I’ve recently started making changes to my diet and daily routines. For one, I walk to the farmers market nearby almost every Saturday and stock up on fresh fruit and veggies. I’m in excellent shape for my age, and I’m proud of that. I look damn good in the mirror ;) Rawr! And, most importantly, I am content. I’m not rushing about, trying to get to some imaginary destination before time runs out like I was in my 20s. I’ve already made it to 30 and beyond. I’m relaxed and focused, sipping and savoring, enjoying every single moment of my life. There’s no fire to put out, no castles to build, no ground to lay. I’ve done all that, now it’s time to reap the fruits of my labor.

And since today is V-day, here’s my boo, 3-Stacks to serenade y’all. Have a happy and blessed day loving on your loved ones <3.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gq0sRCrcPg

They are going to beat me over the head with Vday ads until I collapse

...writhing in agony and defeat. If I see one more commercial, sitcom, billboard, or post about Valentines Day, I just might die. It's too much. Its made me realize tonight that this year will make three in a row that I have been without a Valentine, which is usually fine, it never phases me...until this year, with all this over-commercialization. I know the economy sucks but damn, man! This year sucks. This year, I actually care that I'm not living some fake, sappy love story. This year, I am even tempted to pay money and go see The Vow in theaters! What has become of me!? I'm losing. The pressure to conform has gotten to me :( My current plan is to hibernate on Vday. No television, no Internet, no leaving the house as long as I can help it. I will throw myself into sewing, cleaning and redecorating. Lest I die of sadness.
Naturally, I'm being overdramatic. I'm talking about Valentines Day. And honestly, I can't even remember the last three Valentines Days. Except one when my girlfriends wanted to all hang out and that didn't end up happening as planned. I think I might have had a Valentine in 2010 or 2011. But the fact that he wasn't memorable means my Vday still had to suck.

10 MORE things that make me happy, plus 1

The first 10 things that make me happy still stand as the happiest, but here are 10 more, +1 in pictures for the heck of it: