Children - a rant

The costs of having and raising children greatly outweigh the benefits. Yet, despite this fact and this God-forsaken economy, many idiots are still getting themselves knocked up willingly. It’s mind-boggling, like a self-inflicted paper cut. Why would anyone want to do that to themselves? As a parent of one (and done), let me tell you, I am an authorized spokesperson and certified expert on the matter of parenting. And my studies show that, in exchange for having to spend thousands of dollars every year, parents get to become indentured servants for 18+ years to a whiny freeloader/s, changing shitty diapers/shitty clothing, possibly getting peed in the eye, enduring rancid bedroom and foot odors that permeate throughout the rest of the house, raucous sleepovers during school holidays that don’t necessarily coincide with work holidays, lousy children’s’ movies, sleepless nights, less sex, viruses, spam and spyware on the family computer as a result of secret porn viewing, excessive worrying, stress, tension, frustration, rebellion, entitlement, getting raped by afterschool care and the school bookstore for suspiciously lost or overdue books, among many, many other things. It’s much more than a laundry list, trust me.  You can fool yourself into believing that you are the one in control but let me warn you, YOU ARE NOT.  Nor will you ever be.  Good luck trying to have a battle of wits with a crying newborn, a tantrum throwing 2 year old, or a rebellious teenager.  Who do you think will get the best of whom? Think about it. Who's actually winning those battles?  If you care even a shred, you'll be on the losing end more often than not. 
No one in their right mind would sign up to pay for this thankless job. On the contrary, no matter how well you do as a parent, if your kid, who has a mind of his own, fucks up, society blames YOU. Yes, that’s right. You get no thanks, no recognition for raising responsible adults who might be an asset to society, but you will get ostracized if your kid grows up and becomes an asshole, despite your best intentions and efforts to prevent it. And what kid doesn’t have a mind of their own? Genes be damned. It’s totally a crap shoot.  Don’t fool yourself into believing otherwise.
Frankly, I am of the opinion that my retirement savings is infinitely more important than a teenager driving or having a college savings account. I paid for my own college and continue to do so. It’s the gift that I continue to give myself, reluctantly, and is the way of the free world. But the buck has to stop somewhere so in my mind kids should fund their own education and lifestyles once they turn 18. It’s only right. But don’t think that I don’t love my kid, because I do. Otherwise, I would have quit this job years ago. It’s not his fault that I allowed myself to get knocked up, decided to carry him to term and keep him. And for whatever its worth, he has brought a smile to my face on more than a few occasions over the many, many years we've been together. However, when it comes time for me to rest and count down my days on this Earth, I am not wholly confident that I can count on him for support. So what good is he? Lol. The money that I'm spending on him I could be using to fund my retirment.  Undoubtedly, he will continue to lean on and leech off of me for years to come, well beyond his 20s and quite possibly a bit into his 30s. As will his children.  I’ve seen it happen to others time and time again. Now, I won’t leave him out on the porch when his 18th birthday arrives; I will continue to help him. But there are limits. Just like how Uncle Sam took away my $1500 child tax credit when he turned 17 last November (curses! @#$%%^! It’s not like I suddenly stopped taking care of my child last year. I deserve that credit, you rotten bastards!), I am taking that money back from him the minute he turns 18 this year, meaning he’ll get far less perks than before. And by March of this year, he’d better have a job or be doing something very productive with his time or else all hell will break loose in my house. Let freedom ring.

Now having said all that let me also let the record reflect that my kid is a good kid.  He’s kind, caring, responsible enough that I don’t lose sleep, respectful, drug-free, gang-free, modest, funny, sweet, and normal.  But he still costs money, lol.

When you're with people you love, watching a movie outside, having brunch, exploring...time stands still. The rest of the world doesn't occupy your mind. The focus of your existence is your love, being loved, and being happy. It's the most comforting aspect of life. This morning I woke up (thank God) and started perusing Pinterest. A friend of mines is a gardener but not the type that mows lawns; she takes care of plants and flowers. She brought me a bowl of succulents to plant the other day and i need ideas on what to plant them in. And on her pin board there was this photo. It stopped me dead in my tracks. I could see myself in that photo with people I care about. And we'd be happy and nothing more on earth would matter.I miss that feeling, living that way. I still get to experience it with my son, mom and extended family but it's not the same as when my son was little and we had our family. I'm the type of mon who makes candy apples just because, who turns movie night into a treat with homemade caramel popcorn and fancy desserts, complete with blankets, pillows, and surround sound in the living room, and sometimes in my bedroom. But he's growing up now and soon he'll be wanting to spend that time with a girlfriend, then eventually a wife and kids of his own. By then, I suppose I'll be that type of grandma. But until then, who will I have to spend those times with? This is when I miss my ex the most. We did all of that and then some. I cherish those memories. They are a good contrast to the things about him that weren't good.
Anyway, I have to get up from here, exercise, shower, wash my hair, and drive to Pomona for a housewarming. Have a great day :)

I don't know why I'm up

My pillow is too flat so I tossed and turned a lot. Dreamed i was in Sweden (I was reading The Girl Who Played with Fire before bed. It's set in Sweden). It's almost 4am and I have to get dressed for work in two hours. I miss him. When I used to wake up like this, he'd help me get back to sleep. I try not to think about it but I'm constantly being reminded of the good things about him. I have to remind myself of the not-so-good things and why I left. Doesnt make it easier, though. We could've had it all (c) Adele.
It's hard. Where did my life go? Time is just too fast. And unforgiving.
Ive been meaning to replace these pillows for a few weeks now. Maybe I'll make my way to Walmart this weekend.

Letting go of childish things

I've outgrown a lot of things that I used to enjoy, but old habits are sometimes hard to break. I think it would help if I had something to replace them with. I sort of do; the caveat is that I have to do it enough for it to become a habit, replacing the old habit. I need change fast, though, because these old things that I've outgrown are beginning to bug the shit out of me.
A friend of mines seems to have the same problem. She'll be 38 next month and every time she's bored her go-to remedy is the club. I'm not really into clubs and that scene, and the times that I've gone out with her remind me why. She gets drunk and loose, too loose for my taste. The men are usually stuck up, the women tend to be bitches, it's always dark as hell and even though I'm not drunk, I feel like I am because I can't see shit. It's a waste of good clothes and hair, if you ask me. But she's so accustomed to being a party girl I'm convinced she doesn't know what else to do with herself. Boredom is the devil. I think my catalyst for change will be my sewing machine. Eventually, I see it changing my life. I just have to make it a habit.

It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me…

…and I’m feeling good. Woke up this morning right on schedule and didn’t feel tired at all. I slept so well that the bed was practically still made when I got out of it. I even had time to make myself some oatmeal and try something different with my hair. I’m not stressed, not even about the things I could be stressed about. Why worry? Life happens. I haven’t been sweating much of anything lately, which is coo-de-la in my book. Today the plant maintenance lady at my job put me on to some spectacular container gardens on Pinterest, some of which I plan to emulate. I strung solar lights around the top of my pergola a couple of weeks ago and every evening when they’re lit up, twinkling in the dark backyard, I beam. It’s going to be great sitting out there in the spring and summer with the fire pit lit, blankets and beverages at dusk. I’ve been really minding my money lately, though, so I’m doing things slowly. I don’t have the clams to blow on a complete yard make-over in one sitting. But I’m still loving my gardener! I’m so glad that I decided to hire help. My son always did a half assed job. Anyway, I don’t have much to say today except that I’m in good spirits, feeling cozy in this rainy weather, and looking forward to more good days to come.
I'm looking at facebook right now and the daughter of a family friend posted a picture of herself captioned "pretty girl swag" and my first thought was "all the weave in the world won't be able to detract from that ugly face you have." I don't like her or her mother, mainly because they don't like me and neither have a reason not to, lol.  Well, other than the fact that they're both unattractive, I guess.
Anywhoo, enjoy your day, please.

2/14/12

I expect that this year will be quite memorable. I’m anticipating many life changing events to occur. For one, this is my son’s final year of high school, which means that I will officially be done parenting. My job will become that of Lead Consultant :) and mentor. He is now a young man, on his way to becoming a grown man, and I am confident that I have taught him well. Now his life is his to decide and I hope he makes wise enough choices (with my guidance, of course). As he is putting around through his life, whenever he reaches an impasse or crossroads, he can call on me for advice and guidance. But all of his decisions once he graduates and turns 18 will be solely his to make. He will have to be the advocate of his fate. I’m going to try to make the transition as seamless and stress free as possible because I know the anxiety that comes with such a huge life changing event. After spending your life living the same script, once you graduate and have to begin something new (like leaving the nest) it’s pretty damn frightening, exciting, worrisome, etc.

In addition, I will have an empty nest and officially be single and free for the first time in 20 years. Wow. I was 17 years old when I met his dad. And since then, I have spent the majority of the last 20 years in a relationship and/or as a mother. By summer of this year, I will be neither in a relationship (I think) or a full time parent. I’m not sure what I will do with myself but I damn sure won’t be upset about it, lol. I’ll be free to do whatever I want! Whenever I want, however I want, with whomever I want. How amazing that will be, a new beginning for both of us, together. It’s funny to me that many of the people I know who are around my age, are all starting to get married and/or become first time parents, and I’m on a completely different path. The other day while blow drying my hair I spotted a long, silver strand in the back of my head. I gasped at first, surprised, and then I smiled. There is no way in hell I will pluck it; I earned that mother#!*@&$, and seeing it reminded me of how far I’ve come, how much I’ve accomplished, and where I am now in my life. I don’t feel old (I’m NOT old, since I started early), just much more mature, experienced and established. I no longer have daydreams of being an adult, wearing expensive heels, fancy dresses or suits, buying my first home or my first car, starting a family, or all the other romantic notions that people have before they’ve actually experienced adult life. I’ve been there, done that. These days my daydreams consist of traveling the world, starting a business, retiring early to Hawaii, and finding a partner with similar wants and needs to lie in the hammock next to me and sip mint julep lemonade, lol. Building a strong retirement portfolio stays on my mind. I’ve recently started making changes to my diet and daily routines. For one, I walk to the farmers market nearby almost every Saturday and stock up on fresh fruit and veggies. I’m in excellent shape for my age, and I’m proud of that. I look damn good in the mirror ;) Rawr! And, most importantly, I am content. I’m not rushing about, trying to get to some imaginary destination before time runs out like I was in my 20s. I’ve already made it to 30 and beyond. I’m relaxed and focused, sipping and savoring, enjoying every single moment of my life. There’s no fire to put out, no castles to build, no ground to lay. I’ve done all that, now it’s time to reap the fruits of my labor.

And since today is V-day, here’s my boo, 3-Stacks to serenade y’all. Have a happy and blessed day loving on your loved ones <3.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gq0sRCrcPg

They are going to beat me over the head with Vday ads until I collapse

...writhing in agony and defeat. If I see one more commercial, sitcom, billboard, or post about Valentines Day, I just might die. It's too much. Its made me realize tonight that this year will make three in a row that I have been without a Valentine, which is usually fine, it never phases me...until this year, with all this over-commercialization. I know the economy sucks but damn, man! This year sucks. This year, I actually care that I'm not living some fake, sappy love story. This year, I am even tempted to pay money and go see The Vow in theaters! What has become of me!? I'm losing. The pressure to conform has gotten to me :( My current plan is to hibernate on Vday. No television, no Internet, no leaving the house as long as I can help it. I will throw myself into sewing, cleaning and redecorating. Lest I die of sadness.
Naturally, I'm being overdramatic. I'm talking about Valentines Day. And honestly, I can't even remember the last three Valentines Days. Except one when my girlfriends wanted to all hang out and that didn't end up happening as planned. I think I might have had a Valentine in 2010 or 2011. But the fact that he wasn't memorable means my Vday still had to suck.

10 MORE things that make me happy, plus 1

The first 10 things that make me happy still stand as the happiest, but here are 10 more, +1 in pictures for the heck of it:

Forgetting people

Sometimes, I get so caught up in my thoughts that I forget to be social. My focus is completing my to-do list and then, when everything has been ticked off and I'm all done, I get bored and remember that I've forgotten somebody. A friend of mines wants me to go with her to a swanky new hotel bar for happy hour and I keep forgetting. Or I'm too tired by the end of my workday. I'm not 25 anymore. My energy is scarce these days. Another friend of mines just moved into a new place and I have yet to visit. I've been meaning to take my mom and niece downtown for about a month, now. The other day I did a breakdown of my time and confirmed that I have none. 8 hours sleeping, 9-10 getting to work and actually working, 1-2 cooking dinner and eating it, 1 hour exercising &/or vegging out, 3 hours reading, writing, planning, showering, and prepping for bed. Thats it and thats all, folks. But my bills are all paid on time, my yard is neat, my house is clean, the laundry has been washed and folded AND put away, and I'm 4 chapters into one of the three new books that I'm currently reading. If I am to become a social butterfly, something's got to give. I just need to figure out what.

:(

I'm so emotional. I hate this time of month. Hormones going absolutely haywire, always tired, always hungry, bloated...yeah, it's never a good look. I often say that I need to hibernate and remove myself from the public until it passes, but I never do.  I suffer through it and sometimes others suffer because of me. Ha ha. Currently, I can't even look at 3 of my old crushes (who I've long since gotten over) on Facebook without feeling angry, resentful, and/or inadequate in some way.  Grrr. I hate men (currently).  And then there is this one super catty chick that keeps weaseling her way back into my life after I'm done with her snobby, obnoxious ass.  She is the most two-faced human being I have ever known and despite my best attempts to ignore her, she continues to pop up - on my facebook feed, in my email, the haunts I frequent, and in my light. Bitch, get out of my light!  I'm tired of it and it's taking every bit of my strength to remain an adult about it. I think this may just be the PMS talking but I can't be sure for another 2-3 weeks.  

Up early again. Lots on my mind. I didn't slowly become awake, I jolted. My mind was racing from thought to thought, worry crept up fast (I need to do this and that, and this and that...) and then suddenly my eyes flew open and sadness hit me. I have to write a letter to the California Public Utilities Commission and complain about being ripped off by my cell phone provider, I need to help my son with his FAFSA, I need to stop feeling guilty about things I shouldn't feel guilty about that unimportant people have tripped me into feeling guilty about. And while I'm at it, I have to learn to stop giving a damn about these unimportant people who bring absolutely nothing good to my life. They aren't important and they're taking up valuable real estate in my mind. That just won't do. It's waking me up at 4am. So I'm distancing myself, not going to be so accessible to everyone who knows my name. Just because we realize that the other exists doesn't mean we're actually friends or even good for each other. And just because you've seen my pictures, heard me speak, laugh, or we share kin, doesn't mean you know me. I am only intimate with those I trust, which aren't many. I've learned the hard way.
Later on today I am going to take all of these thoughts flying around in my head and organize them on a sheet of paper. They have to go. They are impeding on my focus. I'll organize them and hatch a plan to resolve them so that I can move on and get back to feeling at peace.

He asked me for my picture. I knew he would. I knew he wasnt just making idle chit chat for three days; he had an agenda. I wanted to just tell him "I'm not your type," but instead I sent him the most unsexy picture of me I had available. In it I am completely clothed, showing no skin at all, and I look thicker than I am. Oh, and I'm slightly crouched over, hugging Mickey Mouse. He was so curious to know what I look like, just dying to judge me by my appearance, I didn't feel that I had anything to prove. He'd completely forgotten that we'd met before. He passed right over me then, barely acknowledging my existence. He tried to sell me some music then but his dismissive behavior put me off. I'm not interested in anyone who can't truly see me, who isn't even trying to. Ive seen the type of girl he dates and I know what he values. Well, maybe I'm not being completely fair. Maybe, just maybe I should give him the benefit of a doubt and not judge him with only a partial view of his character. Perhaps my words intrigued him somehow and my looks ultimately meant nothing. It would be a rarity but not entirely implausible. I've never met a man who didn't put looks first. I'm sure they exist, I've just never met one. I don't believe that all men are shallow or think about sex first. Maybe my character is why he spent the last three days making small talk with me when I tried to make it clear that I had things to do. Whatever it was, he replied to my picture with Mickey Mouse pretending to be satisfied that the "veil" had been lifted. And then he went quiet. After three days of me finding message after message after message from him whenever I opened my mailbox. To be fair, it's only been a day. Maybe I'm wrong about his character. Though, somehow I doubt it. I could've saved us both the trouble by ignoring him altogether.

I know you’re tired of the usual – Trey Songz

I most certainly am. I need a little excitement, a quick thrill to get me through the next couple of months. My last good time was in September (damn! That was a long time ago). I haven’t worn that black dress since. Once and done, just hanging in my closet beckoning me. It’s been too cold, though, really. Every now and then we all need a bit of titillation and I’m well overdue. Time to shed some layers, come out of the cave, and strut my stuff. But where to, and who with? Hmm…I have a birthday party invite for this weekend. Maybe I’ll go and show some skin. While I still can ;) <---that's my excuse and I'm sticking with it.

I reserve the right to change my mind

I'm non committal these days. Some nights I'll pick out clothes to wear the following morning to work, but then when daybreak comes I end up going whichever direction I feel at the moment. And it may not be to wear tights and a skirt if I'm feeling cold and want to dress warm and cozy. My mood dictates my action and direction. Yesterday I had planned to string lights on my pergola, but after running around town all morning I was so tired when I returned home that I ended up spending the rest of the day on the couch. I accepted a birthday party invite earlier this month, although now I'm reconsidering going. Depends on what id rather do more when the time comes. Partying is not a priority. Although, it might be conducive to meeting someone interesting. Hmm, we'll see how interested I am in meeting someone new when the night of the party finally arrives.
There are very few things that I've made up my mind about and I'm perfectly okay with that. I prefer to fly by the seat of my pants, to wait and see where I'll be next, once I turn whatever corner I decide to take. I don't think life was meant to be written in ink anyway. Who truly has concrete plans? No one. What if tomorrow never comes? I want to have spent my days doing what I feel like doing and not living according to a plan that may or may not bring me joy, which, as far as I can see, is my raison d'etre. So all my plans are written in pencil. I don't have a do or die deadline to complete them. I'll get around to things when and if I feel like it, when it feels right. Or not at all. Thats life. I think it's best to take it day by day.

Another year around the Sun

I’m trying to figure out what I want to do for my birthday in two weeks.  Disneyland would be cool but the only person I can get to go with me on a Friday has to be picked up in L.A., which means I’ll be a driving sommamab*tch going from Pasadena to L.A. to Anaheim, then back to L.A. and Pasadena after a long day of running around like a big ol’ kid.  Once I considered all that, I thought maybe I’d get a massage and a mani/pedi, instead.  But that’s expensive and I’m not sure it’s even worth the money.  Maybe just the mani/pedi, but not all three. And then I thought that I could sure use a lobster dinner at my favorite seafood restaurant, but then that’s just dinner, nothing exciting and nothing new.  So now I’m thinking that maybe I’ll do all of that – get a mani/pedi, have my lobster dinner, and go to Disneyland.  I think I deserve it.  It won’t top last years’ birthday in San Francisco, but it’ll certainly come close.  Man, I love San Francisco.  I want one of those Victorian “Painted Lady” looking houses for myself before I leave this Earth.  I wish I could afford to travel right now.  I’d go to New Orleans.  Or maybe Italy, or Jamaica.  Disneyland will have to do for now.

Essence Atkins had a baby :), I’m clocking old lady hours, and other randomness

I’m so happy for her. I didn’t become a bonafide fan of hers until she starred in Half & Half (her hair and clothes stayed on point on that show) and then she got married and had the most beautiful, original wedding I’ve ever seen. It was simple and tasteful, nothing cliché about it, and they seemed to ooze love from their pores. And now she has this baby boy named Varro, which means “durable and strong,” according to internet gossip sites, born on Christmas. She found her +1. Yay love!

In other news, I got out of bed at 4am the other day and spent the entire day feeling just fine.  It was the most productive day I'd had in ages. I didn’t get tired until 8pm, lol. It felt like 10pm, though, as I could barely keep my eyes open. That night I slept for more than 10 hours!! And I felt great. I even when I woke up briefly at 5am and smiled knowing that since I’d gone to bed at 8 I would spend the following day sufficiently rested and not feel groggy. I’m so glad nobody called me that night. I rolled over at 5, looked at the clock and said “eh, I’ve still got some sleep left in me.” So I rolled back over and didn’t get out of bed until 6:20am. Since then, I’ve had a repeat of the same happen at least 5 other times. Es no bueno. Now I actually am feeling a bit groggy and need an afternoon nap to make it through the rest of the day. I think I have to come to terms with the fact that I’m getting old and can no longer do the things that I once could when I was younger. Like, eat pie and ice cream at 8pm and sleep soundly through the night (and not gain a pound). Nope, that pie woke me up at 1am, snuggled uncomfortably underneath my ribs. I had to get up and move around, force digestion.  While I was up, I picked out my clothes for work, ironed them, plugged my phone into the charger, put away some laundry and then I couldn’t fall asleep until about 5am when I had to be up at 6:30. So now I know I cannot eat or drink anything after 8pm, I have to have a pair of socks nearby in case my feet get cold, I need at least two blankets on my bed, my pillow should ideally be fluffed, and I MUST be careful of what I watch/Google before bed because I will dream about it and it will wake me up more often than not. Last night I dreamt that I was running a ratchet beauty salon and it had me exhausted in my sleep. So no more watching “Tabatha’s Salon Take-Over” before bed. The worst is when I dream about numbers, though. Ugh. It is an absolute nightmare trying to do algebraic calculations in your sleep.  The only numbers I like are the ones in my bank account.
I am becoming a fat, happy, high-maintenance, old lady :)

"Life is a fact" - Breakfast at Tiffany's

After an exciting seafood dinner at The Boiling Crab, I brought in the new year watching Breakfast at Tiffany's.  The first and only other time I'd watched it I didn't give it a chance but now I see why it is a cult favorite.  I never realized until now that Fred/Paul was a prostitute who had published one book years prior to meeting Holly Golightly, and hadn't found his muse until they met.  If you haven't seen it, check it out. I hear it's a classic.
So The Boiling Crab was an interesting mess.  Literally.  We ordered a dozen raw oysters, two pounds of snow crab legs, gumbo, and a pound of shrimp, all swimming in separate bags of messy, greasy sauce & seasoning - garlic flavored, lemon pepper flavored, and "The Whole Shebang" flavored.  My hands were an absolute mess when I finished, but I managed to keep my clothes out of it, thankfully.

I was very comfortable and content when 2012 finally arrived, in pajama's fresh from the dryer, clean sheets and pillow cases on my bed, fluffy pillows, and a chilled bottle of apple cider on my nite stand.  Oh, and a few Ghirardelli peppermint chocolate squares to go with it.  It was the perfect way to say goodbye to the year and begin anew.  

Not-so-great Gatsby’s

So another eager candidate joined The Dating Game. We’ll call him ‘Lanky guy’. He’s 39, 6’4, slim, an educator of special needs children, lives about 10 minutes away from me in the hood section of my city, is into holistic medicine, went to school in DC (he keeps mentioning that), no children, weird sense of humor, likes camping and hiking, collects records, calls himself a DJ but he doesn’t do any dj’ing and I’m not sure he ever did, he says he only likes rap music, and that’s all I knew as of Monday night. After our initial conversation in which he did the majority of the talking about everything under the moon, before I hung up he said he’d be thinking about me. That made me pause. He asked me to call him when I could. I said I’d call him after work the following day. He asked what time I got off. I told him that I should be home by 5pm. When the clock struck 7pm, and I hadn’t called him, he called me. This is after sending me two emails and a text message earlier in the day. Anxious, huh? Now, as per usual, I was slightly optimistic yet still cautious, wondering what was wrong with him. As it turns out, his issues are: he’s 39, which isn’t really an issue except he’s never been in a relationship that lasted longer than 1 year. He’s still single, no children, no prospects, has done practically nothing with his life, has lots of debt, is terribly indecisive, has “man baggage” (his ex-girlfriend wouldn’t commit after 5 years of booty calls and he couldn’t understand why) he’s lonely, sad, and is looking to be saved by marriage. Oh, and he seemed to freak out when I told him that I was once in a long-term relationship that produced a now 17 year old, college-bound son. I have no idea why that last tidbit seems to turn older men off. Do they feel threatened? Do they think it ruins their chances of procreating with me, as if I’m tarnished goods, as if their boys can still swim and are still healthy? I don’t get it and find it quite delusional and presumptuous. My nest will be empty in less than a year and will remain that way because my uterus has been placed in retirement. Now, whenever I tell them that little whammy, for some reason they’re not entirely turned off. They behave as if I’m joking and that they have the power to force my girl out of retirement. Silly birds, haven’t they heard of birth control? And the nerve of them assuming that I’d even let them anywhere near her. Men and their enormous egos are the bane of the entire world. So never mind who I am and what I dream about, he can’t see me for admiring himself. Forget what I’ve done and what I’m working on, it’s inconsequential to what I look like and what he imagines me being to him. The morning after our very first conversation where, remember, he did most of the talking about himself, he seemed giddy with excitement over the prospect of developing a relationship with me, someone he knew absolutely nothing about aside from what I looked and sounded like and the way I interacted with him on the telephone. (Kind of reminded me of the crazy 'Marry me' guy who asked me to marry him three times in one month after meeting.) He said “I’ll be thinking about you” with a giggle and a smile in his voice, before I promised him that I’d call him after work. But from the moment that I told him about my long term relationship, which I’ve now been out of for many years, and my teenage son, I could hear the enthusiasm draining from his voice. I could tell by his conversation that his excitement had waned, lol. Funny how that happens. I think he’s the third guy I’ve dated so far to do this. The other two were ‘African guy’ and ‘Skeevy Club guy,’ who happened to have two young children of his own. So if it’s not one thing, it’s a few others. Thankfully, I’ve weeded through them rather quickly and didn’t waste a lot of precious time. What I do waste time doing, however, is longing. Part of me wants to harden my heart and no longer care so that I can get on with other things without distraction, but I know that to live without romantic love is not living a full life. It is almost tortuous wondering and waiting and wanting. I throw myself into projects and for a while I am sufficiently distracted, but never for long. Maybe one of these days I will get better at distracting myself and forget what it feels like to be in a relationship. I don’t know whether that’d be good or awful. One thing I can say is that I do thoroughly enjoy living alone and having the freedom to do whatever I please. I don’t want to change that. When Lanky guy wanted me to call him back, it felt like a nagging chore. I knew I’d promised to call him but I really didn’t feel like it. There were at least 5 other things I wanted to do instead of talk to him. That should have been my cue that I wasn’t that into him and would be wasting my time trying to make something out of nothing. Maybe if I keep that in mind for next time, I’ll weed through guys quicker. Welp, the good thing is I’m learning a lot about myself. This is growth :)

Love; I miss it.  I dream about it all the time, day and night. Last night I dreamt that the artist guy was dating a friend of mines. I really have to stay off Facebook before going to bed. In the dream, he was dating her but it wasn’t clear that he actually liked her. It seemed more like an arrangement of some sort and she paid for everything while he seemed indifferent about the whole affair. Towards the end of the dream I was racing to the salon for my hair appointment with the hope that me having a fancy new hairdo might get his attention and turn him back my way. As if he ever really was digging me in the first place. Dreams are so silly.  Well, mine are at least.  Anyway, I miss romance and intimacy and, honestly, I miss the idea of sex more than I do the actual act. Where sex is concerned, it’s been my experience that my fantasies are often much better than my realities.  I’d say my sex life over the past 20 years has been 45% wow.  But my fantasies? WOW! I have one hell of an imagination!  It’s the intimacy of sex that makes it great, not so much the physical act, in my opinion.  

So yeah, I'm missing love again.  This poem by one of my favorite authors sums it up perfectly:

“Love entered in my heart one day 
A sad, unwelcome guest. 
But when it begged that it might stay 
I let it stay and rest 

It broke my nights with sorrowing 
It filled my heart with fears 
And, when my soul was prone to sing, 
It filled my eyes with tears. 

But...now that it has gone its way, 
I miss the dear ole pain. 
And, sometimes, in the night I pray 
That Love might come again.” 
― J. California Cooper

When I pulled into my driveway last night, I saw a baby possum run into my backyard. since that crazy windstorm about a week ago, I haven't had the time or energy to really clean my yard the way I should, and so now it seems I have some unwanted neighbors - a family of possums. Yuck. There are leaves, tree branches and other debris all over the neighborhood, still, and I'm worried that if the city doesn't come and pick it all up soon, even more rodents will move in. I cringe at the thought. Time, I wish I could buy it. I wish I could manage it better. It's more valuable than money. If I had more time I would be in much better physical shape, which would presumably give me more energy to do all of my chores as well as the things I want to do for recreation, and I'd complain less about not being able to fit everything in. I'd be less stressed and there wouldn't be a family of possums in my backyard.