I swear we made some Breyer's with this little gem :D
Sunday, October 31, 2010
My favorite new appliance
I swear we made some Breyer's with this little gem :D
With Grace (thinking aloud this morning)
On the side of my face, directly above my right temple, is a lone wispy gray strand. It reminds me that I’m 35 years old and it prods me to smile, relax and age gracefully; I’ve led a pretty good life. Every morning when I look in the mirror I see it and it helps me get on with my day, with my life. My guy friend comments on it from time to time, asking when I’m going to pluck it. I told him that I am not, and that I’m happy with it, I earned it. He doesn’t seem to understand. I’m not twenty-five anymore and haven’t been for a while now, I’ve accepted that and I’m satisfied with who I’ve become. I’ve wrapped up twenty-five and raised it with another ten years of living. And this little gray hair, along with all of the other things I’ve acquired over the years, is what I have to show for it. With the poker hand that I have now, I’m going all in, no bluffing. I’ll still continue to construct To-do lists for my life, as I can’t seem to break that habit, but I’m okay with that, too. I sometimes need to be reminded of what I’m doing here and what my motivation is. I remember when my 28th birthday was approaching and I went into a panic, taking stock of my then life and feeling like I hadn’t lived up to my own expectations and that it would be too late by the time I turned 30. Ha! As if 30 was the age of retirement to porch swings and crocheting, waiting patiently for death to stop by for lemonade. Imagine my surprise when 30 came and went and the only thing that changed was my values. Sure, I lost a few things, gradually, during the transition but I gained a lot too. I’d like to think that I am much wiser than I was, gray hair notwithstanding. I have more wealth and independence than before, and I’m no longer antsy over the future so much that I can’t enjoy the now. In my twenties, I spent so much time planning and writing a myriad of to-do lists, and focusing on where I was going rather than enjoying where I was. I can’t get that time back so I’m not going to waste any more.
I booked my flight to
It’s the most recent event that reminded me to stop waiting on other people to live my life, and on my terms. I’m planning my own long-overdue trip and inviting a handful of people that I know to come with me. Or rather, to meet me there since I’m not waiting on anyone, anymore. I’ve already booked my roundtrip flight and started planning my itinerary. Of course, I’ll be more than fine with doing things that whoever accompanies me wants to do while we’re there, it’s only fair, but we’ll cross that bridge if we get to it. As for right now, I’m going to
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Looking for the exit row
The slightest infraction and I’m ready to jump out of the plane, mid flight. My guy friend has been staying over every weekend for months and this past Sunday I wanted to kick him out. Cohabitating is hard. Some mornings I’d rather not wake up to football on the television, or be asked, “what’s for breakfast?” because sometimes I’d rather just have a simple bowl of cereal and some HGTV. Some mornings I don’t want to get naked (some mornings). I’d like to wake up peacefully, get up, get dressed and go for a brisk walk, or a bike ride around my neighborhood, instead. And this past Sunday, at 5 o’clock, he asked me why I hadn’t started dinner and that’s when my eye started twitching. I wanted to relax and enjoy my Sunday, not get nagged about doing a chore. Who starts dinner at 5pm, anyway? I politely told him that I had planned to start dinner at 6:30 and that I’d like to enjoy my Sunday, just as he does, and he seemed to understand where I was coming from. But that put me off all day and, combined with something else that I won’t mention here, I’ve been slightly annoyed with him ever since. I cook dinner just about every night around the same time, on my time. I guess it sort of felt like he was trying to boss me around and if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s to be bossed around. Control freaks need not apply. He also asked me on Sunday why I didn’t want to sit with him and watch football and I explained to him that football just wasn’t interesting to me. He smirked and shook his head, saying that I’m the only person who doesn’t like football and that makes me an oddball.
“That is absurd,” I said. “I know plenty of people who don’t care much for football, and there is nothing wrong with any of us.” To each his/her own. I could say that since he doesn’t care much for literature that makes him an oddball but wasn’t in the mood for ridiculous arguments. I don’t understand why it is so difficult for him to accept that I’m not going to agree with everything he says or does or likes, that I’m not and won’t ever be a carbon copy of him…with a vagina. It seems to me that he is trying to make me into his perfect “Stepford Wife”. Everything to suit him and no appreciation for my differences, wants or needs. I’m ready to call it quits but I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or not. He has many other good qualities that I appreciate, but I don’t appreciate him trying to sneak his agenda in on me. A friend says that I should simply disagree with any and everything that I disagree with, don’t be accommodating if it’s at great expense to me and, if he doesn't like it, let him quit US. Its passive aggressive in a way but I like it J
Friday, October 22, 2010
Jolly-oh! Lovely day, isn't it?
This is a great weekend to tackle a few pending projects and I think that’s just what I’ll do. It’s gray and dreary outside, just the way I like it. Feels like a Billie Holiday song – April in Paris J On my way in to work this morning, I passed the Pasadena bridge, which looks like it was imported straight from Paris, and I got an idea to go over there and take some pictures while it’s still bleak outside; give the impression of being in Pair-EE. I hope I get around to it. Speaking of pictures, my mother’s old modeling pics could use more of my attention and patience in getting them framed, matted, and up on the wall. I’ve decided to frame them all in black – 8x10 frames and larger ones with matting. She wants me to hang out with her more so one of these weekends we’ll go dancing at one of the lounges she’s wanted to visit.
I’m in a dashing good mood today, chaps! The people who usually annoy me aren't today. I came home last night, put on some music and cleaned my house spic and span, while singing along. Then I quizzed my son on his Spanish so he would be ready for his exam today, whipped up a hot meal, and settled down in front of the tube while listening to the rain tapping my window outside. I'm dressed up today, too; wearing my 5 inch heeled sexy boots so the men all pause, planning my birthday Girls’ getaway for January, hoping I'm not broke by then, getting on the good foot, about to do a shitload of work before my weekend begins. I’m no longer feeling in limbo, I feel more in control these days *knock on wood. It’s a combination of a devil-may-care attitude and confidence that everything is going to be alright © Bob Marley. I hope this mood carries me through this weekend. Coasting on this wave, rather than drowning in it feels rather magnificent.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Motherhood made me fierce
Before giving birth to my son I had very little confidence. I clung to my ex for reassurance and support and was extremely fragile. I didn't feel like I could totally trust myself or like I could stand on my own. Then I got pregnant and everyone around me seemed to want to reinforce that feeling in me. I was looked at as unfortunate, pitied as if I had made the biggest mistake of my life by choosing to get pregnant and not aborting my son. Postponing my family would have been the better choice, was the clear message I got. I had gone and ruined my life, let them tell it. No one could fathom that I had actually planned my pregnancy and no one deserved an explanation for why.
The day I went into labor, two of my estranged childhood friends came to the hospital to gawk at me. They stood in my room curiously watching me with this sideways look on their faces as if I were an episode of the Discovery Channel and they were glad they weren’t me. I got so sick of people fishing their lips up and acting as if I were the first woman on earth to have a baby. “Better you, than me,” was the typical retort to my pregnancy. This was the message that I received from my peers and from the women I was raised to believe were strong and determined, who wanted equal rights, equal pay, and pro choice. Women raised in the 60s who had agreed that they didn't need a man to make them whole. Yet the minute they discovered that I was pregnant they all flew into a panic and slapped me with a bankrupt label. Go figure. I could help but wonder if I’d missed a memo or something. Did they love or regret their own decisions in life? Where was all the “girl power”? Did they admire my bravery but were just too afraid to admit it aloud and go against popular opinion? It seemed the world no longer applied to me. I did what was not expected of me – 'A' student, reserved good girl – and, afterwards, I didn't let my "condition" be the end of me.
I'll never forget the nurse assigned to me after I gave birth. She came into the room to bring me my son so that I could feed him, and my good friend at the time was visiting. My friend was in nursing school so she asked the nurse for some advice. Among a few other tidbits, she made sure to advise my friend, while glancing at me as if I wasn't smart enough to know any better, not to end up in my position. That'd be "the absolute worst thing" she could ever do, she said, as if I weren't in the room. I got that sentiment a lot back then and I regrettably never challenged it aloud. I didn't quite accept it either, though. Before my son could crawl I wrote down my goals and began devising a plan to reach them. I worked part time for doing treatment plans and scheduling appointments for an orthodontist until he was weaned from nursing, which was about a year after he was born. Then I worked full time and went back to school part time. And I worked. my. ass. off, determined to be okay. Leaving the apartment that I shared with his father at 6:30 every morning and returning at 7:30 every evening, sometimes 10:30 at night. I put up with a lot, I sacrificed a ton, but I never lost focus of who I was and where I was headed. I quietly kept moving, striving and gaining ground, building my strength and confidence every day, but not without the requisite scrapes and struggles along the way; though each one has served to improve my resolve and my faith in my ability to reach my goals. My twenties were spent building rather than hanging out and having fun like my then friends who spent just about every weekend drinking and clubbing and doing things that typical 20-somethings do. I was alone, except for my boyfriend, my mother and my son. My best friend at the time lived two hours away and would call me every so often to share stories of her active social life, despite her also being a mother. She just wasn’t very responsible.
I now have the freedom and can afford to do much more than just hang out and party, but I have a hard time finding friends who have the time or money to join me. Today I can say that my life is now my own, and I'm happily still defining who I am. I like me. As for the women in my life, other than my mother, those relationships are hard to mend. Despite getting the last hurrah, I haven't quite forgiven my generation of women or my mother's for the way they judged me and the way some of them continue to. My childhood friends who came to watch me in labor are now both single mothers. One is a security guard, has a nine year old son, and they both live in a trailer with her divorced mother. The other has 4 children by three different men and sells odd's and ends at the outdoor swapmeet on weekends. My former best friend is now a single mother of six children with 3 different fathers. Last I'd heard she had moved back in with her parents until she could get back on her feet. I don't mean to sound bitter because I'm not. I'm satisfied with the path that I took and the woman that I've become, and I won’t stoop so low as to judge those who judge me. I know better than to count someone out. You never know how the tide will turn.
*exhales :)
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
I'm a heavy sleeper.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
I can now add 'model' to my resume
The UNbound book release party was this past Friday at the Atlantic Bar & Grill in
I absolutely love the stories that each woman shared in the book. I am fearless woman number 10 out of 40, page 23, which, in my opinion, is a perfect position. I was surprised when a few people at the party asked about my modeling career, since modeling for me is limited to this one book and my bedroom mirror. When I told one girl this she asked if I was planning to pursue one. I thought it was a ridiculous notion so I laughed, saying I’d have to drop a few “el-bee’s” first. She didn’t think I was funny. Later that night on our way back to my house, Keisha asked me why I hadn’t considered it and, for a few minutes, it didn’t seem like such a crazy idea. I won’t actively pursue modeling but I would consider doing more if I ever stumble on another opportunity to do so. I had a PHENOMENAL time laughing and posing on the beach for my pictures. Laughing at the absurdity of me, posing for a professional photographer on the beach for a book. It was so surreal. Now I see it was absurd of me to laugh. Why not me? :) After all, I am UNbound.
I’m in a book, yall!!!! Here are a handful of snapshots from the party.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Wanted for hire: a kid between the ages of 3 and 8
I used to want to check into a hotel and get away from my family when my son was young. I was so overwhelmed at the time that my strongest desire was to be left alone for at least a weekend, with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company. Remembering this feeling helps me get over the slight case of empty nest syndrome that I’ve been afflicted with. I usually come down with a case right around the holidays when children and families are at the forefront and my own child is too old and too big to have fun with. There are only two small children in my family now – my nephews’ daughter, and my cousins’ son, 8 months and 2 years, respectively, both of whom I adore immensely. And very often I have to resist the urge to go broke spoiling someone else’s children who will never appreciate me for it. I learned that lesson the hard way with my nieces and nephews who have grown into idiotic, unappreciative young adults. Anyway, Halloween is approaching and I don’t have a kid to go to
Monday, October 11, 2010
Book Release Party Cometh
The Unbound book release party is this weekend and I’ll get to see and take home my final, touched-up pictures from the shoot and pick up my copy of the book. I’m going to wear black, white and red to the event and take as many pictures as possible. I’m trying to decide if I want to wear a red flower in my hair or on my lapel. My friend and I will ride there together from my house.
I can’t wait to see myself and my words published. It’s already the highlight of my week and it hasn’t officially taken place yet. Such a spectacular thing to be a part of, just looking at some of the other ladies’ photos is so inspiring. Beauty running the gamete, from older to younger, every shade of human being, siblings and mothers and friends…true, natural beauty. Who couldn’t love that? Here are some of the pictures from the book. We each have a story to tell as well, but you’ll have to open the book if you want to read those. (the two additional photos of me are raw and haven't been touched up yet, hence the copyright over them ;) )
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Bah
I’m bummed, busted and disgusted. This week has failed me and I had such high hopes for it. I did everything by the book yet to no avail. Oh well, back to square one. And to ad injury to insult, I’ve been walking with a limp for three days now because of a mysterious pain in my right hip joint. I’ve stretched and gone for walks but nothing is making this uncomfortable tightness go away. I had to actually convince myself to get out of bed this morning and go to work. Lately, I’ve been having way too many days like that, despite the hip pain. It’s surely a sign that something has to give. I need change in my life. The change in weather is fine and it’s definitely helping a little bit. Living in