Sitting in my backyard, on my laptop

under my pergola, enjoying this warm California weather. My vacation is over. Tomorrow I go back to business as usual. I enjoyed my time off. Yesterday, we went to the Norton Simon museum, stopped in Old Town for some of Bella's Pizza, and then went across the street to Dot's cupcakes before taking a stroll down Colorado. Saturday we celebrated Memorial Day with a cookout in my backyard. I bought a kiddie pool to rest our feet in and we ate and ate and laughed and talked until the sun went down around 8 pm-ish. Then I watched the movie "Taken" with the guy who's wooing me. He set up my pergola the day before, and mowed the backyard. We've been getting along splendidly. All week we hung out, shopping, eating, movie going, cooking, chilling...I've enjoyed his company immensely. He's sitting next to me as I type this, playing jazz on his laptop while perusing the net. Later on I'll straighten up my house, cook dinner, shower, read a little and get ready for the rest of the week back at work. He'll be at home by then.

Feeling Good

Tomorrow should be perfect. We spent the day preparing for our Memorial Day cookout. The backyard is freshly mowed, the adirondack chairs were scrubbed clean, the pergola is up with colorful lanterns hanging from it, the grill has been cleaned and the house is half-way clean, lol. Now, all I need to do is polish my toe nails, go to bed, and wake up to prepare the rest of the grub I bought from Costco this afternoon. The "Grill Master" will be here bright and early in the morning. Blankets, water toys, PoKeno boards with red chips, barbecue, sunshine, music, family and friends. Gonna be a great Saturday :)

He bought me a bible

Seriously. He told me (during our 3am phone conversation because I couldn't sleep) that I was losing faith and forgetting that God is with me, always has been, and always will be. My life is up to me and it can go whatever way I choose. Choice, not chance, determines your destiny. So he bought me a bible to remind me. This bible, as a matter of fact, and I'm glad he did. At first I denied, denied, denied, and became defensive at the suggestion. I believe in God, I hadn't forgotten. But after reading the first 10 pages or so of my new bible, I realized that he was right. I had forgotten, and my anxiety and frustration was largely because I had lost faith in myself and behaved as though I was going it alone. Despite all of my blessings, my family and friends, and all the times I've worried for nothing, because, in the end, things always turn out right.

I had forgotten that I am only in control of my choices, the free will that was given to me at birth. I did not create myself and I alone cannot sustain my life. Neither of those two things I can control. Just my choices. And God never gives us more than we were designed to bear. Life becomes much easier to live when grace is your perception.

I don't know what the future holds, neither do I know why any of us are here, why we're all unique, why we live and die, why water is wet, and why everything, every single thing, has its place in this world, in this universe. But I do know what is. I don't have to understand how God works to believe in God. I don't need to know why to know that I am. Likewise, I don't question God to know that He is. My proof is the very stuff I am made of.

God is infinite and a finite mind cannot understand the infinite. (c) Genesis

I had an astronomy teacher who said that within every living thing on Earth is star bits. We're all, literally, made up of the same things that stars are. Science explains that all the elements on Earth heavier than hydrogen originated inside stars. The iron that carries oxygen in your blood was created when a star died. Everything is connected, and I believe that is by God's perfect design. Not chance. The same creator of those billions of unimaginably distant galaxies full of stars also created us ;) .

So I'm fumbling around a lot less these days, slowly rediscovering my divinity, coming out of a fog, but still fragile, still human. Step by step and I'll be right where I'm supposed to be, as long as I choose what I know in my heart is right and keep going. Life is too short to waste time stuck and worrying. Jump, and the net will appear.

The bible is the best gift he has given me. It was thoughtful and sincere, in my opinion, and it may have saved me from detouring down a treacherous path.

All that to say...I'm BACK ON TRACK! :D

I need a happy hour

I'm on vacation and I can barely relax. A week just isn't long enough for my mind to unwind, so I feel more and more anxious with each hour that goes by. The clock is ticking and I have so much to do, so much that needs to be done, that I've been putting off in favor of earning a living. My fear is that all of my errands and chores will eat up my Me time and, before I know it, I'll go back to business as usual. Stressed and anxious, wired and ready to bust, feeling out of control and sleepless, having accomplished nothing.

What I need to do is chuck my watch, cover the clocks, get loose, and let things fall where they may. Now, if only I can convince myself to allow that to happen, I'd surely be on vacation.

Maybe tomorrow.

I love my brain :)

So I’ve been riding my bike and trying my best not to look like a dork while doing so, although that has been kind of a challenge, lol. What, with my 8-ball helmet and all. I figure if I have to wear a helmet by California law, I’d like to stand out from the rest and be a little creative with it, have a little flair. So rather than wearing one of those aerodynamic-looking dork helmets I opted for the rounded 8-ball to protect my brain (see link below) – equally dorky, yet somehow quite fashionableJ. And it matches my bell. You gotta coordinate © John Witherspoon

Every time I get ready to roll I have to spend a few minutes working on eliminating my smile because the mere thought of wearing that helmet makes me feel so goofy and self-conscious that I’m incredibly giggly. Then, when I get out there on the road, I realize that anyone I pass won’t recognize me elsewhere without it, and I don’t plan to wear the helmet unless I’m on the bike, so it’s okay. No one will know it’s me. Or, at least I tell myself that. And then I see the other dorks on the road wearing biker shorts and form fitting shirts with equally ridiculous protective gear, so that helps take some of the pressure off. When I bought the bike, and my friend laughed at me in the store after I tried on a couple of helmets, I had initially decided that I’d go riding sans head gear. Then that Monday I got to work and learned that my coworkers’ girlfriend had gotten hit by a car with an old man behind the wheel. She hit the pavement, her helmet cracked almost in half, and the old man had a panic attack and was rushed to the hospital. Thankfully, it was her $300 helmet that cracked and not her head, right? I remember that video they showed us in Drivers Ed of the motorcyclist who’s head literally cracked open, spilling his brains all over the road L. It was enough to send me right back to Sport Chalet for a little life insurance. My helmet was only $50 though, but as big as it is and with all the padding inside, I think I’ll be alright.

Anyway, while looking dorkish I am also saving my life, saving some gas money, thus saving a little bit of the environment, and getting some sunshine and a nice workout in the process. The pros definitely outweigh the cons.

Here's the helmet (the back says "I love my brain." I'll probably take a picture of that later):

http://www.sportchalet.com/product/302058_3034593.do

I left the white boy hanging

It's been two weeks since this past Friday that I said I'd call him and I haven't. I tried to get around to it but then I realized that I really don't want to. He just doesn't move me in any way and I slightly feel bad about that. Ah well! These are the breaks. It's happened to me and I'm sure it's happened to him before too. Par for the course. What sucks though is that now I'm afraid to answer my cellphone when I don't recognize the number, lol. I've actually been thinking of excuses to use in case he calls and catches me. I even considered saying I lost my phone or broke it or somehow lost the ability to use it :/ But it's really not worth lying. I think I'll just fess up if he calls me, and let him know that I don't believe we're compatible and I was just too chicken shit to say so.

For Mothers Day my Ex surprised me with a dozen roses and a home-cooked seafood dinner. I was so shocked, that I ran and got my camera and took about a dozen photos of my flowers and posted one on Facebook. Ha! I only recall ever receiving a single rose throughout our entire relationship together. (Some corny shit he thought was cool back in the day. I was just touched that he’d thought of me. Although, at the time I suspected he stole it from someone’s bouquet and figured he’d try to get some brownie points for having really done nothing at all.) And then after we broke up he bought me a mix of flowers that following year for Mother’s Day, which was just as nice as this years roses.

On the phone a couple of days prior to the rose surprise, while making plans to have him cook for me, he casually mentioned that he had never thought that he would wake up without me. His exact words. He went on to say that he knows he’s not perfect and that he made a bunch of mistakes throughout our relationship (amen) but even on his darkest days, when he was angry with me for leaving him and lashing out, he was really angry with himself. He never stopped loving me. I sat there and kind of did what they do on TV and stared off into the camera, you know? At that moment, I needed a witness. :)

Has he changed? Hmm, well, I’m not so sure. That still remains to be seen. Two bouquets of flowers, regular bible reading, and missing me isn’t hard enough proof, frankly. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m happy for him. He’s had an epiphany and that’s great, because he never believed me when I told him he was fucking up, lol. I’ve noticed small changes in him here and there but I don’t trust that his nature has completely changed, don't know if the person I could no longer live with is still within him. I’m not sure that I could ever live with him again but for now we are pretty good friends. Even better than before, and I couldn’t be happier about it. *Knock on wood

In Limbo

I make my bed every day, shower, cook, clean, run my errands. These are about the only things I feel in control of as I wait. And the waiting isn’t easy. I feel as if I’m going to bust, like I’m holding my breath waiting for the air to clear so that I can breathe again. So every morning I hop out of my bed and begin pulling the sheets taut again, neatly fluffing and arranging pillows, jotting down daily plans that can be achieved… as I wait for the signal that I can move out of limbo. I have another set of plans written down, the ones that I can begin once I get that green light to exhale, but I just stare at those, sigh, and pray that I don’t lose my mind in the meantime. It’s tough being here…especially when I could be somewhere else, somewhere much more to my liking. But my friend Patty believes that I have the “patience of a saint” so I’m trying to hold on, though I know my patience has long since worn thin.

Lot on my mind

This week has been somewhat of an adjustment for me, preparing for the next chapter. Last night sleeping wasn’t easy. I think I got about 6 hours in, but I usually get at least 8. And of those 6, 4 were probably REM. I really don’t know why I struggled last night. I think I’m just anxious and ready to get things rolling. I hope I can keep the tossing and turning down to a minimum tonight because I was operating on fumes today. Surprisingly, my productivity didn’t suffer though.

Even with my worries and perceived woes, I’m more stressed There than I am Here.

It has also been a bit of a struggle to adapt to some of the other changes I’ve made to my life. I’m finding myself stuck in between a past of semi-destructive behavior and a constructive future. Old habits are calling me but I’m determined to move forward. I’ve learned a lot about myself and those around me over the last two years. Up next: just being still.

Sorry, I can't really be detailed with this one.

Kicks

My super fresh sneaks showed up yesterday and turned out to be not so fresh. Yes, I’m back to ordering stuff off the internet. I know, I never learn. But this time I ordered from a well known company with clearly defined return policies – Puma – so I’m doing better. I bought two pairs of shoes and waited impatiently for over a week to receive them. Yesterday when I got home I ripped open the box and realized that I only liked one pair in person, and not the other. However, the pair that I like isn’t true to size so I have to return it, reorder a bigger size and wait anxiously for the new pair to arrive. Ugh. This reminds me of the time I desperately wanted a pair of CBS sneakers in 4th grade. Only Leed’s sold them. Who’s old enough to remember Leed’s Shoe’s though!? lol

My older cousin, Chrissy had a couple of pairs of CBS’s and they were the cutest little sneakers in the world to me at that time. My mom took me to Leed’s on several occasions to get a pair but they never had my size in stock. In hindsight, I’m wondering what the heck was really going on.How could they never get my size in? I was heart broken for a good while over that and I think it’s partly the reason why I go nuts over shoes today. It’s all Mr. Leeds’ fault. I will never forget the Chinese boot incident, as much as I wish I could. But there was a happy ending to that story, thankfully.

Anyway, I’m only slightly leery that this will be a fruitless exercise. Puma has a better reputation than the Chinese bootleggers of getting the right goods to you without issue. And in any event, I still have Citi card on my side to work out any sudden kinks.

Here's the pair I like:

Road Warrior

I got my bike!!! Farmers Market, Von's, Ralph's, Marshall's, library, thrift store, etc., HERE I COME!

Now all I need is a reliable lock or two. Oh, I also bought a black wire basket and an 8-ball bell to match :) I'll have to take a picture of the bike with that stuff later. When I bought it I'd decided to ride it outside of the mall and Sport Chalet, to the parking lot rather than walk it through the entire mall, and my friend said that I hit the corner on it grinning hard and never looked back, lol. I'm sure I very much resembled a huge dork but I was happy. Sue me.

So I'll be saving a little bit of gas, a little bit of the environment, and getting a work out all at once.

Great deal ;)

Which bridges to burn and which to cross?

Recently I went on a bridge burning rampage. It all started after I had gotten fed up with a certain fat bastard with t-rex arms who shall remain nameless. I spent that afternoon boiling mad, mulling over my options, needing a sounding board and Jesus. After a full day of coming to terms with my feelings and noticing who was on hand that gave a shit, I had decided that I was done trying to build bridges with difficult people unwilling or unable to meet me in the middle, and that some of the bridges I had tried to build never really existed in the first place, so I burned what was left of them. I didn't do this recklessly, although it was sudden and came as a shock to some. My movements were calculated and the choices wise, in my opinion. Did I hate to see years of my hard work go up in smoke? Of course, but half a bridge is useless so what's the point in holding on to it?

What I did was appropriate and even necessary for me to begin new construction elsewhere.

I have friendship baggage

For many years I've endured fair weather, hateful, catty, inconsiderate, small-minded friends and they've taken their toll on my spirit. In essence, none of them were friends. Just a bunch of folks I knew. So one by one I broke up with them, found my distance and put my dukes up, ready for the next faux friend to come my way. Then I met some halfway decent folks (PG, JS, LW...) and while they are great to me in that humanly flawed way, I still sort of have my dukes up, just in case :(

I'm becoming a little more trusting but I still have a very low tolerance for bullshit. My relationship with those who haven't quite proven themselves trustworthy remains precariously perched on the edge of doom. Anything even remotely resembling foolishness could end it all in the blink of an eye. No, I take that back. I'm still, by nature, a very giving and forgiving person so my 3 strikes rule usually stands...and expands, given whatever the circumstances are.

Anyway, I'm highly sensitive when it comes to friendship. I don't take it lightly at all. I'm a Judy Blume novel come to life and I expect my friends to be there for me the way that I'm there for them. And if they can't, well, then I don't consider them a friend and sometimes we can't even be associates.

The biggest part of being a friend is being there for someone when it doesn't suit YOU, throughout all types of weather (c) Me.

Plans for the next 6-9 months

In no particular order...

- Travel to Jamaica

- Finish birthing the elephant

- hang a chandelier by myself

- learn roller derby

- Make a few new friends

- perfect my sales pitch

- buy a bike and ride it

- reevaluate my goals and the steps I need to take to achieve them

- finish that thing I started...and then start another one

Today was a rough day for me but I survived it (thank God). Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

Good night

Skate or die?

So I tried dodgeball a while back and it was pretty cool. But I think I want to try roller derby next :D

http://derbydolls.com/la

The L.A. Ri-ettes or the Tough Cookies, maybe.

Of course, I'll go to a match first, though.

There’s a bridal shop on Fair Oaks Avenue not too far from my house that I used to pass every morning on my way to work, and every day without fail I’d slow down a little bit to admire the dresses in the window and fantasize about my dream wedding and my ideal relationship. Perhaps it was a steady diet of Cinderella stories growing up that caused me to do that then and remain hopeful now, even if just a little bit, that fairy tales do exist. I was in a relationship at the time that I’d been in since I was in high school. Although I hated to admit this, it was sort of just like my grandmother said. She said that women often settle with who wants to settle with them, and not the other way around. She told my mother and my aunts to love who loves you. When my mother first told me this story I was outraged because it contradicted everything I’d been taught and force fed my whole life. It defied fairy tales where love is mutual and magical, and was really quite depressing. I overreacted and I see now that what she said was partly true.

I loved my ex dearly and it was all by happenstance. I loved him because he loved me (immensely) first and what I’d really wanted at the time was just to love and be loved. So I settled with him because he was good enough and he wanted so badly to settle with me. I was sure that this relationship was my happily ever after. Then he started to treat me differently, with less love and affection, and the heart that I’d built up around him began to break. Today he swears that he’s never stopped loving me and never will. That it was all due to his youth and immaturity, his fear of losing me. But what’s done is done and lessons are learned.

I never needed to be saved. A man isn’t the ultimate prize.

It wasn’t all bad, though. There are tons of fond memories intertwined, a lot of honeymoon phases but not nearly enough for me to remain where I probably shouldn’t have been in the first place. When I left my primary regret was that I couldn’t make it work no matter how hard I tried. I couldn’t control the outcome and I couldn’t live happily ever after with him. I’ve since come to terms with that.

We’re still friends. He stops by and mows my lawn from time to time and we hang out on occasion. I’ve thanked him for the good and the bad times. On those rainy days it feels good knowing he loves me. My girlfriend once told me that he is my parachute. Whatever that means.

I know I talk a lot of jazz about dating and becoming a Golden Girl and all but, honestly, I’m enjoying being single. I’m pretty self-sufficient and I enjoy my freedom immensely. Relationships take a lot of work to maintain and right now I’d kind of like to take it easy. Just give me the romance, for now.

Have you ever noticed that every fairy tale ends after marriage, anyway? Ha! We never actually see them living happily ever after.

I still check out the dresses in the window whenever I pass that bridal shop, which isn’t as often these days. It was a fantasy, a Cinderella tale to wear the gown and be the belle of the ball. Now it’s mostly nostalgia for who I was. The dresses are still gorgeous but marriage no longer looks so appealing. Not in the traditional sense, at least. However, a marriage where two adults respect one another, are self-sufficient and know how to compromise and reason fairly sounds like a dream to me! :D

I do want to get married. But I won’t marry simply for the sake of being married. I don’t care about appearances. I don’t want to pretend to be Cinderella. My goal is to live happily ever after, married or not. I'll be fine either way.

I like to think I make him smile

I like to think that whenever he thinks of me or hears my name a smile spreads across his face and his eyes light up. His eyes are gorgeous, his mouth is too. I've been sort of flirting with this guy who's a bit younger than me (aren't they all :/) and I don't think he knows it, which is kind of my intent. I don't want him to quite know it. I just want him to smile when he thinks of me and laugh when I joke and play with him, and play back. So far, so good. He's generally a quiet, sort of shy cat but when I show up he blossoms :). And when my competition talks he just nods politely, no smile, very few words, if any. And that makes me smile. I don't know where I hope this goes but for now making him smile is keeping me just peachy.

But Bonita’s got a big ole butt…so he’s leaving you (see ya!)

You mean to tell me I have to have game now, too? More and more I’m realizing that physical attraction isn’t enough to get a guys phone number these days. Not that I’ve tried that and failed. I’ve gotten plenty of phone numbers… and then I’ve failed, lol, but that’s sort of another post. Right now, I’m specifically talking about there being so many “attractive” (to each his own) women out there with a multitude of qualities to offer a guy that, naturally, with women outnumbering men, guys are being pickier now more than ever. And lazy, but that’s a separate beef, too.

So here I am trying to be the best butterfly I can be and I’m still coming up short because “Bonita’s” got an extra quality that I probably didn’t mention in my initial interview. Maybe she gives head on the first date and has no qualms about admitting it. That’s what I’d like to think at least. But in my girlfriend’s case, her man of over a year and a half decided to leave her because the next girl had her own house. I’m not kidding. They were living together, engaged and behaving like a normal family with two kids, neither of which were his. Then one weekend they drove to Las Vegas for his brothers wedding and he met another portly single mom who wasn’t any prettier than my portly friend (she was tackier though. I saw pictures) and began having a long distance phone/internet affair all because she bought a house in the desert and has connections in the real estate market. I’m not kidding, he actually told my friend this when they were breaking up. He wants to be a realtor now.

And that’s all it took. It didn’t used to be like this, did it? Men are the new women and women are the new men?

Women outnumber men in the U.S. — among adults 25 and older, 103 million are women, 96 million are men. Now, of that 96 million, how many are in jail? How many are crazy? How many have anything going for themselves? Right :(

Looks like I'll be keeping my toe in the "Jungle Fever pool," Rashad, lol.

White Boy Fever

There must be an acute case of Jungle Fever going around because over the last few weeks I have been hit on by an abundance of white boys, which never happens. Some cute, some not, and a couple I could see myself giving a real chance if only they weren’t so shy and knew how to seal a deal with a sista. Because I’m sort of shy too, so unless one of us has balls enough (literally) to say something this won’t go beyond coy smiles and batting eyelashes. I thought the Guy from the OC had fallen off entirely but it turns out he just had midterms (did I mention he goes to Cal State Fullerton?). He sent me a long email yesterday explaining why he's been MIA for a few days. I don’t think we have a thing in common but that doesn’t seem to bother him. Eh, we’ll see where this goes.

As I sit here gobbling up a bag of Raisenettes

I'm sort of regretting my decision to get satellite TV. Less than a month in and I've already had a couple of phone fights with DirecTV customer service reps, which I'm thinking is a sign of things to come over the next 23 months of my contract. Bad things to come. :( Then, I can't turn off the tube. I'm "dating" Ahmed Hassan from Yard Crashers (in my daydreams), and cheating on him with Dhani Jones (I would so eat his taco meat). And speaking of eat, Man vs Food is bringing out the fat chick in me, inspiring me to want to cook more. This could be a good and a bad thing.

Why did I follow the crowd and decide to pay for television??

Anyway, I'd planned to do some reading tonight, exercise for an hour and wash my hair. All I've done is wash my hair. Maybe I'll get around to the rest of my to-do list tomorrow :/