What do you mean he’s gone?  Gone where? How? What are you talking about? My brother’s death is unfathomable. I hear his voice saying he’s unable to come to the phone right now when I call his cell and I want to leave a message asking him what the hell happened? Why are they saying that you died playing basketball? Because only he can explain it to me.  The doctor says that he had an enlarged heart, which is a symptom of some underlying issue.  Maybe it was his high blood pressure, maybe it was an arrhythmia he was born with, like me, or maybe it was something else.  Could it have been prevented somehow? Was he taking blood pressure medication? How did he feel that day?  Nothing has been explained to my satisfaction so I’m left trying to put all the pieces together like a detective.  And I feel so guilty for not calling him in such a long time.  I figured he’d be there whenever I got around to it. I thought we had more time.

The fact is, there’s never enough time and there’s nothing we can do about it. We’re always going to feel like we were blindsided, like the rug was abruptly snatched from beneath us, and that we took the lives of our loved ones for granted. It will never be that we are satisfied with our last interaction with someone we’ve loved and lost, no matter if it was months ago or the very day that they passed away. We’ll have regrets no matter what.  We’ll feel like we didn’t get to say all that needed to be said, do all that needed to be done.  Even if I had called him on Sunday, the day before he went to play basketball, I would have felt robbed by the end of Monday, when he passed on.  There's never enough time when you love someone.

I couldn’t sleep last night, the second night of his passing, because I realized that back in March I’d accidentally deleted the only set of pictures of him and I together.  I’ve been searching my computer for them in vain ever since. I’m still hopeful that maybe they were saved onto a thumb drive that I just need to find.  I’m so sad.  Those pictures mean so much to me.  I was so proud whenever I mentioned him, “my brother.”  And he made me feel every bit of a little sister, loved and protected.  I was so elated when we spoke for the very first time 7 years ago.  Darryl is my half brother, 5 years older than me, and although we knew the other existed – me since I was 12, and him since he was 16 –  no one had bothered to help us find one another until 2005.  And in that short time it was as though we’d been together our entire lives. We talked often but never often enough for his liking.  We even resembled each other.  And when I visited St. Louis in 2008, I got to spend some time with my older brother and meet two of my three nephews.  We’d only just begun and now he’s no more.  I feel like part of my soul is hollow.  The first night I hadn't processed it fully. I still haven't, actually. But that first night I fell asleep at 11pm and woke up crying at 2am.  I had a headache for 2 days after that and, on this third day, I am finally beginning to accept that he is gone. Although now I'm trying my hardest to hold on to any and every memory that I have left of him. I go to his facebook page and read his past comments and see our "friendship" and it fills me up a bit, it helps me get on knowing that he never really left. Those times we had, the laughs, the heart to hearts, his memories will be with me always. And it brings me great solace to know that he was happy that day, he'd come to a great place in his life, found a wonderful person to share it with, and all four of his children were happy with him.
I'll miss you, big brother. I'm so grateful for the time we had. It couldn't have been long enough. xxoo

Really, my dream is to get up every day around 8am, slip into my robe and slippers, fix and eat breakfast, brush my teeth, and then head out back to my studio shed to work.  I’ll get dressed around noon or before breakfast, depending on my mood and agenda for the day, and I’ll work out there in that shed until 6 or 7 o’clock, working for myself, making my own hours, my own money, and calling my own shots.  All this other stuff that I’m running myself ragged to accomplish are back-up plans, just-in-case-these-eggs-don’t-hatch, plans.  But I feel like time is running out on me, and I have to begin etching out the living that I truly want right now instead of …someday…soon. Yet I’m spending all my time focusing on the safety net, the “just-in-case” plan B.  I need it now.  I’m inching closer to 40 as I type this, and with a birthday coming up in January, doing what I truly want to do with my life is at the forefront of my mind.  So, I’m giving myself a deadline to be done with this other stuff – summer 2013.  That’s it and that’s all, God willing.  If I continue to work on this other stuff, it will be in my spare time, life permitting.  I’m going to save up enough money for my safety net and then I’m going to go full throttle at my dreams.  To be fair, though, I haven’t completely left them unattended on the back burner.  I’ve kept them in sight, stirring the pot from time to time.  I just haven’t focused enough of my attention on them.  That’s going to change very soon. 

cape fear

i'm antsy. i feel like i'm bullshitting and wasting time. things just arent happening as quickly as i'd like them to. why can't i be a patient passenger? ugh. i will be 38 years old in 42 days. i feel like my life began again at 33 and it's been progressing painfully slow. i'm afraid of whats next. i shouldnt be but i am. i try to convince myself not to be. i have so many wonderful plans in the works, i should feel excited, not fearful. will i be too old to enjoy the fruits of my labor when everything is finally ripe? dios mio, i'm a headcase at times. i'm peaceful, content, yet antsy and eager at the same time. my mom used to say "if you rush your life, you rush your death." i try to let that anchor me. i have led a great life so far. why wouldnt i believe it could only get better? thats the pessimist in me, the worry wart. i gotta check that bitch. got me doubting my ability to win when i KNOW what I'm capable of. psht. i couldnt visualize a terrible future if i tried. my house is covered in fog. i just looked out my bathroom window and my tree looked eerily content surrounded in mist and grayness. i love the peacefulness of morning and this fog is heightening that. i kind of hope it doesnt burn off. then i can spend more time with my creative mind. gotta use these powers for good though. no more worry and fear.

My cousins mother died

She was my aunt through marriage. i'd bumped into her at a restaurant a week before she was put on her deathbed and she acted real shitty. i heard she was bitter about dying. as long as i've known her she's been bitter about living. but i held no ill will. i didn't even really pity her. she just was. and now that she's not, my cousin is beside herself with grief and anger. anger because her mother didn't raise her, mines did. and because she tried for years to gain that womans favor and rid herself of us (my mom and me) but she couldn't. she always needed something. so now she's mad because we didn't go see her mom on her deathbed. i'd prefer to remember her how she was that day at the restaurant. plus, she made it quite clear that she didn't like my mother. hell, she didn't even like her own children or grandchildren. i remember her once saying "if it doesn't benefit me, it doesn't matter" she was proudly selfish. so wtf i look like going to cry over this woman? as a matter of fact, that day in the restaurant i had her great granddaughter w/ me. she looked down her nose at that two year old like she was shit. didn't hug or kiss her or even smile. her husband exclaimed "oh yeah! we've seen pictures of her," as if seeing a picture of your only great-grandchild is better than seeing her in the flesh.  i feel sorry for my cousin but that's about it.  Whenever she's ready to talk, if she ever will be, I also hope she's ready to listen.  No matter what occurs in her life I wont tolerate her treating my mother, the only real mother she's ever known, like some insignificant factor in her life, as much as my mother has done and been there for her. Even standing by her side and helping her and her children when NO ONE else would, including her biological mother, as she practically spat in her face. 

i keep making excuses because i'm not where i want to be right now. i keep telling myself that i'm not ready or even prepared to give my all and focus on a relationship because i need to do x,y,&z first. i don't know if that's me expecting a repeat of former relationships, me being gunshy, or me being real (real comfy w/ my current sitch). so what do i always do? i look for reasons to shoot shit down, exit stage left, and not even bother...all while riding the fence hella hard and confused. for the first time i'm not sure i really know wtf i want. indecision is a bitch. or maybe i'm just trying to do too much all at once. i need to focus, prioritize, and chill. in no particular order

Another check off my bucket list

Although my roots run deep there, I’ve never been to New Orleans. The birthplace of jazz, a major port where slaves entered this country, the city where my great grandmother ran a bordello after her husband died and left her with two kids. NOLA has been on my bucket list for a while now and in March it will be getting checked off. We’re heading down there just in time for the Jazz and Heritage Festival, which is great because jazz and heritage are two of my primary reasons for wanting to visit. Great food is another. I figure I’ll get all three at the New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival in March. I'll slow my grind down a bit by then. YOLO, lol

constantly grinding

I wonder what it will feel like when my big goals are finally accomplished. i'll probably just make new goals and grind some more. But the thought of resting is appealing. The thought of getting to where I'm trying to go and then soaking it all in is so sweet. I just hope that I can break this habit of always trying to make things better and just enjoy whats already good. Speaking of which, I may be staying home this Thanksgiving. I'm not sure if I'll regret going to my cousins house or not going to my cousins house. We have nowhere to put Axl, it's a long story but he's the reason we'll probably be staying home this year. My mom and step dad will likely come over for a bit, though, if we do stay, which is highly likely. And I'm making oyster dressing for the first time this year. I'm sure we'll play gin rummy or somethng. The simple things in life make me so happy these days. Decoratng my house for the holidays, cooking things like oyster dressing, being with family, HAVING LEFTOVERS...I'll just be happy when the day comes that I can host a double family gathering at my big ol' house. I am thankful for my bungalow, though. SOOO thankful. I love having a home of my own. But what will my life consist of when I stop striving for more? Will I be a grandmother by then? Will I have met a life partner? Will I have traveled to my hearts content? Will I have a new list of goals to accomplish? I sort of feel like I'm missing something, though. Like maybe I'm doing it all wrong. I'm not 100% satisfied. That figures.

I took my mom to see a play last night to celebrate her birthday. Intimate Apparel at the Pasadena Playhouse. It was surprisingly very sad. The main character was a 35 year old African American seamstress in 1905 New York who'd been working since the age of 9 and had never really felt loved or that she belonged anywhere. She was saving her money to open a beauty parlor and was jealous of the girls she knew who were getting married and seemed happy. Her two main confidants were a rich, sad, married white woman and a black prostitute. Anyway, she believes she has found love when a man she'd never met began writing her letters from Panama. And having never laid eyes on him nor ever hearing his voice, she eventually agrees to marry him like a desperate fool. Shortly after they're married it becomes obvious that he isn't who she expected him to be. He's verbally abusive, unloving, and she even learns that he is cheating on her with her prostitute friend. And in one last desperate attempt at love, she breaks down and allows him to talk her into giving him all of her life savings. Money that was earmarked for her dream to open a beauty parlor. Of course, he never returns and she ends up living back in the rooming house she'd started in, trying to etch out a dream that is now much farther away than before. During all this, it's obvious that she and the Jewish man that she buys fabric from have developed feelings for one another. But it's 1905, he's white, she's black, and his family has already arranged for him to marry a woman he's never met who lives in another country. Although sad, the actors did a fantastic job and the set and vintage lingerie was absolutely whimsical.

:)

I love the fine lines that I am developing around my eyes, the twang in my voice that doesn’t quite say where I come from, my belly, my curves, my feet, my round face, the way I hold my mouth when I’m deep in thought, the way I cook, live, and love. There is nothing about me that annoys me or that I cannot live with. I see my vast potential clearly, as well as how great I already am, so I don’t feel the need to worry myself with trying to convince someone else of all this. I’m extremely lovable :) If no one ever sees it, that’s their loss, not mine. I’ve tried explaining this to a friend of mine but she doesn’t get it. She clearly does not fully accept or view herself as whole, poor thing. The other day I received a chain email and since I’m a wee bit superstitious, I followed the instructions on this one before I deleted it. After reading all the way to the bottom of the email, it requested that I, the reader, make a wish for whatever it is that I want the most right now, or else the opposite will come true. I silently made a wish and it was not for a companion, lol. Although it did occur to me that others might expect me to wish for a man. I know better, though. No man could possibly make me any happier than I already am. And if I should find someone whose happiness is MY happiness, well, that would be fantastic! That would just make me even more awesome and fortunate than I already am… although, I’m hardly complaining over my current bounty of good fortune. People are people; none of us is Prince or Princess Charming. And finding someone who won’t disappoint, whose idiosyncrasies you can live with, who is like-minded and has all of the qualities that you need in a mate, is a real bitch. Fools rush in.


There was a time when I used to wonder if my ex was as good as it gets. I was judging him through someone else’s eyes, though, not my own. It took me years to realize that I could never know whether or not he is the best I could do because I won’t get to date every man I could potentially date and compare him to. And that’s fine with me because what I DO know is that he was no longer making me happy and life is primarily about being happy. I was downright miserable with that controlling man. Then one day I decided to shut out others’ worthless opinions about my happiness and listened to my own truth, which said that I would be happier on my own than with him. So I decided to go and, lo and behold, I found peace. Imagine that. So if he had been the cream of the crop that would have been really disheartening if I didn’t already love myself above all else. Anyway, I like the idea that I don’t have to do or be or please anyone but me (although pleasing others does, in fact, sometimes please me. Either way, it all comes back to me :) ). I understand that loving me is more than what some people are capable of. That’s why I don’t want to trouble myself with anyone who isn’t open to really trying.

Foreign businessmen

I returned the video cameras I'd purchased and was going to place outside my house to spy on potential criminals with, like my neighbors.  The instructions were written in broken English.  I couldn't understand what the hell I was supposed to be doing with those cameras and, while reading the instruction manual and having flashbacks of my last unfavorable dealings with the Chinese over a pair of fake Ugg boots, I suddenly wanted my $205 dollars back, immediately.  I submitted my request for a refund through Amazon and, as expected, I got an email wanting to know why I wanted my money back:

 Sorry for the inconvenience caused by this.
>    Did you feel difficult to setup it up? Here have a video of how to setup and set the remote viewing for your information:

Also, we can arrange our tech-support to contact to help you solve the problem you meet. Did you need our tech-support to help you ?

Yeah, no. I can't do business with a business that sends emails like this. If I can't understand you, we cannot communicate properly. And if we cannot communicate properly, someone will be misunderstood.  And if one of us misunderstands the other, then I have no faith that my needs will be met, therefore, you aren't getting my money.  Furthermore, if I suspect that you are operating in another country, I will assume that you can and will run off with my money leaving me high and dry with no legal leg to stand on. How can I force someone in China to give me my money back? Psht, I won't be waiting around for that answer, sorry.
If I happen to change my mind about installing surveillance cameras around my house I'll go buy them from Costco, instead.  So my neighbors are safe from my wrath...for now.

Ass, ass, ass, make that ass clap. Drop it to the floor, make that ass shake

Just about every day I’ve been making a lunch time hike all the way across campus to the cafeteria hoping to run into a guy who clearly isn’t interested in me.  Haha. He’s just so good to look at.  I have no idea if he’s gay, straight, or married.  Nor do I know whether he’s a doctor, nurse, or technician.  I just spotted his magnificent ass (literally, his posterior) slightly bent over a hot tray of green beans one day when I was perusing the cafeteria, hungry as hell, looking for something edible. *ahem.  He was wearing light blue scrubs that day so, just like pajamas, the fabric left little to my imagination.  Firm, perfectly shaped and absolutely poppable, it was. Later I noticed that he is also tall with a nice chest and arms.  So either he is a gym rat or he comes from the loins of Adonis. Either way, I’m thankful.  I was on my cellphone that day and when I’d finally gotten in line to pay for my food, I saw him standing at the cutlery dispenser machine, facing me.  He must’ve felt my eyes all over him because he looked up and for just a moment, we locked eyes.  I was staring, he glanced and turned away.  No worries, though. I don’t know enough about him to take offense or be bothered by it.  All I know is that he is a feast for my eyeballs and I’d like to see him again. Yum. 

Much ado about nothing

I did nothing I set out to do yesterday afternoon. I’d written a list of things to do before leaving work yesterday. It was my only free afternoon/evening until Friday of this week so I wanted to be productive. Yet I got home and did none of what I’d planned to do. Well, I cooked dinner, that’s about the only thing from my list that got done. Sad, aint it? My dog distracts me, he’s just SO CUDDLY! © Little girl from Despicable Me. Plus the 2nd Presidential debate was on TV and I wanted to see it since I’d missed 75% of the first one. I have to get a strong hold of my time. All I seem to be doing is wasting it nowadays and that’s not good for all these plans I have. Granted, I don’t want to run myself ragged – going to work every day and then filling my evenings every night with things other than eating and resting – but I’ve got to do something. I can’t sit around waiting for things to happen to me. I want way too much. My supplemental property tax bill arrived in the mail yesterday, too, and even though I have my mortgage company take out a little with my monthly payment all year long, that high number on the bill still sank my stomach. I hate that I have to pay damn near 5k a year on property taxes on my little old house. So, of course, I checked to see if property values had declined in my area so that maybe I could be reassessed for a smaller amount, but no dice. It seems real estate is making a major rebound here. Dah well. I hear that interest rates are the lowest they’ve been in YEARS but I don’t know enough about refinancing to feel confident doing so. Too much to do and learn, and there’s no room at the top of my list for learning how to refinance right now, unfortunately. But no complaints here. I’m alive and well and moving and shaking. Life is good.

I think I'm coming down with something.  Either that or I am majorly exhausted.  My eyes burn and ache deep in their sockets.  That can't be good.  Today I drove all the way out to Thousand Oaks to visit a friend and hang out with a few other women.  One hour driving 70 mph in one direction.  It was indeed a trek.  But she's worth it.  It just sucks that the best of my friends are always so far away in this stretched out city. The drive back at 6 p.m. was beautiful, watching the sunlight leave its final streaks across hills, valley's and mountains. We sat outside by the pool, sipping various drinks, eating Thai food, watching her two bunnies hop around, and talking for hours.  I'm hoping that's why my eyes hurt and it's not because I'm coming down with something. I have too much to do to be sick right now.  No time to be out of commission.
I'm thinking about cutting all of my hair off and starting over.  I haven't lost my mind just yet, lol. I'm just trying to go natural and since I've been straightening my curls w/ a flat iron or some other type of heating device for the past 20 years, my hair is no longer as healthy as it used to be.  I've almost destroyed it so the curl pattern is not so much curly anymore.  It's wavy and straight and all out of whack.  In addition to having a healthy head of hair, I'd also like a healthier body so I'm going to slowly start to change my diet, which means I'm cutting out fast food first and foremost.  Eliminating sugar will undoubtedly be the hardest but I aim to do it.  I've gotten so out of shape and unhealthy, and I'd really rather not live my last days aching and paining or about to die of a heart attack.  I need my stamina and my waistline back.  I don't want to be a whale.
It's 10:30.  I can't fight it any longer; I'm going to bed.

My mom called at 10 am to say they'd be over by noon. I'd just sat up in bed at 10 am. It's a Sunday, I really dont feel like entertaining. I have too much to do today. Stuff that I didnt get done yesterday because they threw me off, calling me up at 8am to say that they'd be over by 10am so that I could help rent a car. I'm slightly annoyed and dont want to be bothered. So I called my mom back and asked if they could come by at 4pm instead, I have too much to do. She said okay. Now I'm on the gotdamn clock and have to make sure I'm done with everything I need to do by 4 friggin o'clock. Ugh. I hate being rushed, especially on my weekends. I spend all week rushing around until I finally go to bed; the last thing I want to do is spend my weekends rushing around. I havent been to the farmers market snce we got our dog in June. I havent been on a leisurely walk around my neighborhood by myself, without a dog pulling me since June. I'm tired of this shit. Yesterday I spent $101 dollars at Petco. All I bought was dog food and snacks for one dog. Clearly, I need to be in the dog business. My house never stays clean now that my son has graduated and hasnt found a job but adopted a needy dog, instead. I feel like I've started parenting all over again. I'm fantasizing about the day when they both move out and I can redecorate without them messing stuff up. I might even be able to buy a light colored sofa. I love everyone I'm complaining about but whats love got to do with it? Love is why I'm frustrated. If it werent for love, I wouldnt be $101 dollars lighter and complaining about it, I'd have a light colored sofa, and I'd have my weekends and farmers market runs back. I'd better get up, shower, wash blow dry and flat iron my hair, so that I can run to Target, Ralph's, Marshall's, Ross, the ATM, and the UPS store before 4 o'clock. Next weekend, I'm taking my life back.

I used to have a neighbor whose husband beat her almost daily.  Her name was Nicky and this was back when I lived in an apartment with my mom during my teens.  Nicky and her husband’s bedroom was directly below mines so I could often hear him punching and kicking her, yelling and berating her, even calling her mother on the phone to tell her what an awful daughter she had, all while Nicky cried and moaned.  Some days she wouldn’t come outside. I think it was because he didn’t want people to see her bruises.  But then, when she did emerge from their dirty apartment she was usually giggly, jovial, and all smiles.  And she had a really wide mouth so those smiles were huge, even despite her missing a few teeth.  She and I had become friends probably because we were somewhat close in age – she was 21 and I was going on 16. I remember she once told me that she loved sucking her husband’s breasts and found him to be incredibly sexy.  He looked like a gross, potbellied, stinky ogre to me, hair always unkempt and t-shirt always dingy.  She had two small children at the time, both under 24months old, and the four of them lived in that apartment with her mother-in-law, who never said a word about her son beating Nicky.  In fact, no one did until one day word on the block was that the neighborhood gang members were planning to catch Tom, her husband, and beat him. Tom heard about this so he stayed locked inside their apartment for weeks.  I can’t remember if I had ever asked Nicky why she stayed with him.  I probably didn’t at age 15/almost 16, but I think I might now, at age 37.  I just came to believe that there was something about their toxic relationship that she loved.  Maybe it was the passion of the beatings, all of her senses fully engaged, that made it a drug for her.  Adrenaline is addictive, isn’t it?  They’d usually end up having sex afterwards.  Or maybe she had never known love any other way.  I figured it wasn’t for me to understand.  After they moved away I often wondered about her, hoping he hadn’t killed her or put her in the hospital, hoping that their children were safe and happy.  Clearly, I still wonder.

Graham crackers for breakfast

Because I can’t bring myself to walk all the way across campus to the cafeteria for pancakes or French toast. It’s one of those mornings. So glad it’s Friday, though. And the first day of fall is tomorrow :) I’m so ready for hot cocoa and fuzzy socks, comfort food, dreary days and blustery nights. I’m planning to have my crock pot and oven doing overtime as soon as it the temperature drops. It’s cooler than it has been but not cool enough to crank up the oven. Last night both my son and I had to leave our puppy for 3 hours, alone at home in his crate and he was so utterly distraught. His front paws were soaked up to the joints with his drool and his heart was pounding by the time I’d come home to let him out. And then, he was so worked up, that he ran all through the house and outside into the yard. I hate when he’s like this. It’s so hard leaving him and not being able to calm his fears. He’s such a sweet, obedient puppy, he doesn’t even bark at us. This weekend I’m going to try to train him to be alone in the house without us. I just don’t know if he’ll be able to stay inside without being in his kennel and not destroying the place. I’ve become so attached to him.

My neighbros are scallywags

They are absolutely despicable human beings who have the nerve to go to church faithfully every Sunday. Or maybe they’re getting dressed up and pretending to go, haha. They certainly need to. Repent, you bastards! Anyway, a couple of weeks ago the dad had the nerve to try to wave at me. Don’t wave at me unless you’ve got my thousand dollars, you rat bastard. His elderly father sideswiped my parked 2012 car on the very first day of my vacation in July. How do I know? Because I hadn’t left the house all day – I was on vacation – and when I did finally go outside to leave, it was just after his father had left and his kids said “that looks like grandpa’s paint” on my car. We share a driveway with nothing in between us. Two days later my lousy neighbor went out and put an alarm on that tuna can of a Honda he rides around in, which aint nothing but guilt. 5 years I’ve lived next door to him and he’s just now deciding he needs an alarm on that raggedy ass piece of shit car with a million dents and scratches on the sun-scorched paint job? Really!?!? And last night I caught that sneaky asshole hiding in the dark crouched down between my car and his wifes mini van doing something. If it weren’t for Axl begging me to take him out into the front yard, and my neighbors young son saying “hey dad! Whatcha doin’?” all loud, I wouldn’t have even noticed him stooped down in the dark quietly shielding a big spotlot. So today I ordered a surveillance system from Costco. That’s right; I am putting cameras up around my house and if I see one funky act or even him loitering around my property suspiciously, my entire wrath will come down upon his square-assed head.

Another Halloween is approaching.  This holiday is always the most memorable to me because something dramatic happens around it almost every year.  The last two Halloweens, my ex tried to reconcile.  The first time I wasn’t feeling it.  The second time I gave it a shot and we failed miserably. This year, there’s no chance in hell either of us will even be speaking to one another, let alone trying to reconcile.  But I still love this holiday so I’m not going to let the past ruin it for me.  I’m not dressing up this year, unless I manage to find a party to attend. But I do hope to hand out candy for once.  When I first bought my house in ’08, I was so excited about the prospect of giving out candy.  I bought tons of it, too.  Only to discover that folks these days suck at Halloween and all the kids stick to one street simply because their parents are too lazy and paranoid to do it the right way.  As you may have guessed, it’s not my street that they venture to, it’s Orange Grove Blvd.  Droves of parents drive and park, drive and park, all up and down that street while their children knock on 10 to 20 doors begging for candy.  And then they go home and that’s that.  So if I want to give out candy I’m going to have to go to someone else’s house this year.  But Halloween lands on a Wednesday, so more than likely I’ll just be home chilling with my dog.  Or shit, maybe I’ll take him out for a walk so he can get excited and try to clobber all the children we encounter.  He’s an extremely excitable dog. On his profile at doggy day care it states “Axl is a goofy puppy and should be placed in a group with similar puppies and older dogs that can gently correct him, but not overly-correct him.”  I took him there today and he was on level ten with his excitement. Poor pooch could barely control himself.  He really likes being around his own kind. 

If I Had A Boyfriend Right Now...

...we'd be making plans to go to this tomorrow - A Taste of Old Pasadena! Enjoy a walking sampling tour of the best Old Pasadena restaurants in one evening! Over 30 restaurants are participating, this is going to be so fun! More info here: http://www.oldpasadena.org/gc_calendar_detail.asp?cal_id=2148 Then after that, we'd go check out a movie with drinks at Goldclass Cinemas. Or maybe just back to my house to sleep. For the fall, and the first rain/snow, we'd have reservations to stay in a cabin up near Mt Baldy. We'd pick up groceries and movies on the way up so we wouldnt need to leave the cabin for anything except to maybe watch a sunset or the stars at night. Or maybe we'd be making plans to go to the lake for some fishing and canoodling, and what-not. If I had a boyfriend right now, we'd be catching each other up on Dexter and all of our other weekly shows. I'd get to try all these new tricks I've been practicing in my head on imaginary Dhani Jones and imaginary Michael Ealy. I've gotten pretty good at them. Who knows how much longer I'll have to use them. I damn sure aint getting any younger. My boyfriend would like my dog and wouldnt mind chilling with him when I need to take The Boy somewhere that I cant lug the dog. And because he cares about me, he'd be willing to go to Disneyland for Mickey's Annual Halloween Haunt with me. If not there, then a hayride or something. Hey, at least I wouldn't ask him to dress up...this year :) I love this time of year when the weather dips and the days are shorter. The only thing I miss is having someone to snuggle up indoors with.

It's been a while

I haven’t really been in the mood to write about my life or anything, really.  A lot has happened, of course. I’m still living J  Went to a cool concert at the Hollywood Bowl to see Jeffrey Osborne, Freddie Jackson, Mindi Abair, Euge Groove, etc., The Boy graduated (did I post about that? I don’t recall), and I got a new fence…um, that’s all I can think of that’s noteworthy to me.  Oh, and a friend of mines got married and other one got engaged.  Other than that, I’ve just been piddling around, a hermit for the most part. I haven’t wanted to get out and do anything. Or, nothing I’ve been invited to do has appealed to me, and now it’s beginning to weigh on me.  I need to get out and meet some people.  I’m starting to miss black folks, lol.  I realized this a few weeks ago when I took The Boy to get a haircut in north Pasadena up near Altadena.  I went to drop him off but I wanted to ask the new barbers how much they would charge, so I parked the car and went inside with him and his friend Kai.  The looks I got from those men were blush-worthy.  Boy had I missed that.  I had been feeling so old and undesirable. And all it took was a pair of yoga pants, flip flops and a tank top, and a drive to the other side of town to remind me that I still got it.  Then, the other day while I was on the phone with my mom, my cousin stopped by her house to bring her a plate of fried fish and oysters, which also made me miss “home.” I could practically smell that delicious fish through the telephone.  Black men and fried fish is what I need in my life right now. Ha. I’m thinking about putting the dog in the car, driving up the hill to Altadena/north Pasadena, and getting out and walking him around a few blocks in my yoga pants, lol.

Move, dog

This dog of mine is a bug-a-boo. He follows me around the house licking my legs (especially if I’ve just showered and I’m still wet) or whatever body part of mine happens to be closest to his mouth. He rides my heels all through the house, sits on me with his unwiped butt and lays on me whenever I am on the couch. He doesn’t make a sound except for when he’s yawning or the pitter patter of his toe nails on the hardwood floor when he’s moving about. He whines from time to time like toddlers do, and he only barks when he sees another dog, is frustrated, or scared. Since he broke out of his last metal kennel and hurt himself in the process, I bought him a plastic kennel like the ones pets travel in on planes. He sleeps in it fine but has a fit when he gets locked inside and/or left alone in it. For some reason, he really wants to sleep in my room at night instead of in my sons room. But doggy farts are ferocious, they’ll wake you up at night and keep you up in disgust. Plus, he sometimes has weird dreams that prompt him to bark or yelp in his sleep, which is startling. So he is not allowed to sleep in my room anymore and this seems to sadden him. Oh well! I look at him and hope that sooner or later he understands that life is full of disappointments. He’s a smart puppy though. He knows that I leave for work every morning so he tries his best to make me stay. He barrels through the house, following me from room to room and won’t even go outside to play because he thinks that if he sticks by my side that I won’t be able to leave his sight. Poor thing. Sorry, Poochie, mama’s gotta make a living. We have to find a way to teach him that if I don’t go to work I won’t have money to feed him or buy him toys. Right now he’s likely just thinking that I’m abandoning him for a very long time every day and he’s becoming increasingly pissed about it. He barked at my son for no apparent reason yesterday and was trying to get tough. Google says that he’s going through the “terrible teens” but my boy wasn’t having it. He locked him inside his crate. Then after I’d taken him for his evening walk, he came into my room and was frustrated because he couldn’t climb into my bed with me (it’s too high up off the floor) so he barked and barked and got thrown into my sons room for the rest of the night. I don’t have the patience for aggravated small children or frustrated dogs, those days are LONG gone. So this is going to have to change and soon. I like him and all, and I think he’s a cool little dog but I haven’t the patience for his tantrums at all. I’d much rather save my money, my carpet, my yard, and my sanity than have to deal with his shenanigans so he’d better get it together if he knows what’s best for him. Maybe he’s not that smart after all.  Shit, I just spent $60 on a bag of dog food alone, yesterday.  And that money was FELT in my wallet.  Since we rescued him I've had a running tab in my head and he's not anywhere near worth as much as I've spent on him.  Pet ownership is worthless.  Especially since, as tough as some people think he is as a pitbull, I know full damn well that he'd sooner lick an intruder to death than attack him.

Here he is w/ his squeaky bunny toy

my tree's hate this guy ^^^