Mele Kalikimaka!/Merry Christmas!

I'm back! I decided that staying would not suit me just yet, lol. Actually, I did miss home and was tired of hotel living so I decided to stick to the plan and caught my flight home yesterday, like a good "honorary Hawaiian". Ula, my new corner basket weaving friend granted me honorary Hawaiian citizenship after a pleasant chat and my decision to buy the biggest little basket that could fit into my suitcase. He handmade it right there on the spot for me. It's made of Taro leaves and he promises that if I take care of it, it will last for years. I'll take a picture of it and post it soon. It's the best souvenir I bought and, despite the 80 degree humid weather, it was the warmest feeling I got during my stay.

Anyway, you KNOW I took a kajillion pictures (302 to be exact) so I won't be posting them all. Just a bunch of my favorites. We stayed from Sunday afternoon (3pm) until Wednesday afternoon (2pm) and did quite a bit of living in that time. A quick run-down of the places we visited (larger, more detailed blog entry to come):

Waikiki Beach

Dukes Restaurant and bar on the beach

Bernice Bishop Museum of Hawaii (FABULOUS! Rich with Hawaiian culture)

The town of Haleiwa on the North Shore

Halona Blow Hole

Hanauma Bay

Diamond Head (inactive volcano)

Turtle Cove (actually in the middle of the ocean! EEK! Our tour guide told us AFTER we got out of the water that tiger sharks sometimes eat our turtle friends :( And if they'd decided they wanted to eat us, it would have been lights out instantly. We wouldn't have even seen it coming since they like to ambush their prey and we swim like pansies. I have serious respect for ocean swimmers! Especially "T". I can't pronounce his name but boy was he HOT and could swim his Hawaiian ass off *swoon. After almost every sentence he said "eh". I was completely captivated but tried to keep my drooling under wraps. More about him and the turtles and our horny captain and the Italian girls later)

Pearl City/Pearl Harbor

The US Army Musuem (got a chance to teach my boy about black WWII hero Dorie Miller, Rosie the Riveter, and a bit about the Renaissance starting in Paris after WWII black soldiers decided not to return home, and black roles in the military at that time (mostly menial due to racists beliefs that we couldn't fight, etc. and despite all of our accomplishments it still took years for the military to be integrated. Albeit, the military was integrated before the south was).

Macky's and Giovanni's world famous shrimp trucks (YU UM!)

We didn't want to live like tourists but we sort of couldn't help it, in a way. This trip has inspired me to learn more about Hawaiian culture and history. In the beginning, I felt like I had landed in Japan, or took a roundtrip ticket back to Santa Monica, CA rather than to an island in the Pacific. Asian's and whites have truly taken over Hawaii, almost to the point where it's unrecognizable (from what they show on tv, that is). Waikiki Beach is NOT the place to go if you'd like to experience Hawaiian culture, in my opinion. Anyway, I said I'd make this entry short-ish so I'll stop here and just post some pictures. You came for the pictures anyway, I'm sure. WARNING: These photos DO NOT do this place justice at all. But enjoy! More to come!

The town of Hale'iwa, plate techtonics at work near Diamond Head, & our "front porch" in Waikiki

An old Hawaiian man chopped off the edge of this little coconut w/ a hatchet, dug a hole w/ the tip, stuck in a straw for me, and voila! coconut milk on the run :)

This is what I call a SUNDAY DRIVE! This was taken directly from our rental car windshield



This shrimp, sauteed in garlic and butter was simply magnificent. I'm going to try to make it at home as soon as I can.

These cute little darlings put on a performance of "Hawaiian Santa" for us. See the video below.

ALOHA!!

Just a quick aloha while I'm printing my boarding pass and checking bags. I'm SUPER tanned. Went out snorkeling among the turtles and spinner dolphins today, which was realllly cool. We also got to see a humpback whale and her newborn learning to breathe and tread water. So cute. Awww. lol. Anyway, we'll be home tomorrow night and just in time for Christmas. Soooo much to tell! It's going to be a LONG blog entry.

ALOHA for now!
Scout

I've a feeling

that I'm going to get to Hawaii and never want to return :)

ALOHA!! <----means hello/goodbye/love

Few Things

- I want a wedding like Essence Atkins. Simple and original and without too much fuss and beautiful. She didn't have a bridal party or a traditional cake. And she walked herself down the aisle. It was just about her and Jaime. Simply delightful :)

- My mother is trying to bully me into buying her a Christmas gift. I have told her more than once that I'm not buying anybody any gifts this year and I don't want anyone to buy me anything. But every day she's coming with the "I know what you can get me'"s
Ugh. How is she just going to ignore my stance!?

- I have been seriously neglecting myself. My health, my hair, my house, my social life, my bills...all in the name of one Prof. Jimenez y West, and I am resentful. I have so much to do that I stress every night before finally fallinng asleep and then the anxiety is so much that I end up waking up earlier than usual and fretting about things.

- In a mad dash to try to pay some bills I found some stamps on my desk, filled out the paper bills, wrote checks and then raced to the mailbox to drop them in. Then I learned that postage has gone up 3 cents since I bought those stamps. :( I haven't run errands since before Thanksgiving. I just bought groceries last Sunday. This sucks. I'm hoping the post office gives me a break and sends the bills through but I doubt it. I'm expecting to have them returned to me any day now. And then I'll have to pay late fees. :(

- It's frickin 6:28am. I've been on the computer trying to pay my remaining bills electronically since 5:30am. My credit union is retarded and has locked me out of my account because I was "too slow" in siging in. WTF? I didn't do anything with my hair last night so it's a hot ass mess, all over my head right now. I don't want to go to work because I'm pms'ing and yesterday everyone was getting on my nerves and everything was going awry and I was frustrated and embarrassed and unintentionally mean. Now I have to go back there and show my face again :(
I'd rather crawl under a rock, frankly. There have to be drugs for this sort of thing.

- *Sigh

- Hawaii in a few days. *exhale

I've waited many many years for Tiana

When I first heard about The Princess and the Frog, I was elated. Yes, a 34 year old woman and mother ecstatic about a Disney princess. Because I'd never really had a Disney princess. Not one that looked like me, at least. I had more white dolls than black dolls and that was mostly because there weren't many black dolls on the market. In fact, just a couple of years ago I got into a tiny spat with the manager of my local Target store because I had been literally all over town looking for a black doll, ANY black doll at that point, for my niece and not one of the stores I went to had one. It was Christmas time; how do you not have a steady supply of dolls? He told me there wasn't really a demand for black dolls so whenever they got some they sold out fast. 0_0 what kind of sense does that make? I asked him. If you consistently sell out wouldn't that make you think that there IS a demand for black dolls? What am I supposed to buy my niece for Christmas? A white doll, he told me. And that's about when my tantrum kicked in. She's not white! I yelled. And when she's old enough she won't be giving birth to white babies!! After I left the store I was a tad embarrassed but I got over it. He needed to hear that. I did it for the people, lol. Daisy ended up with a black McDonald's Barbie doll that I found buried, literally, at Walmart, and even buying that doll almost had me in a fight, lol. The check out girl at Walmart held the box that the doll was in up and smiled at her and then said to me "All she needs is some long fingernails and a bunch of gold jewelry and she'd look just like the girls who work in McDonald's over there. tee hee" I don't recall exactly what I said to that bitch but I do remember cussing her out and saying she'd look just like Petunia Pig if only she had a big bow on her head. Among other things. I stormed out of there and vowed to never return.

Anyway, so I'm walking around with black doll/black princess baggage, lol. Yes, I am. This may seem trivial to some but I'm not concerned about them. When Disney announced they were coming out with Princess Tiana, I felt like we'd finally overcome. haha. And even though I have a son, not a daughter, I made up my mind that both he and I would be in the theater watching that movie on opening weekend, on general principal. I had to support it, otherwise, would there ever be another Princess Tiana? Probably not. So the other day we went to see it and at first the theater only had a handful of people in it and I was a bit sad but not surprised. It was 10 minutes until showtime. But by the time the movie began the theater was full! Little Asian girls and boys, three or four little white girls, a bunch of adults, like mostly adults, and some teenagers. I was so pleased, I teared up. hahaha! And when the movie was over, the audience clapped! That right there let me know they were all thinking the same thing I was: that this little Princess is a huge celebration! :)
However, for this to be Disney's first black princess I think they fell short. Yes, yes, you knew there'd be complaints. I think that maybe they overthought it and didn't want to offend anyone so they played it safe. But they ended up playing it too safe! The message was to work hard for your dreams, stay focused and your dreams will come true. And she was working hard. Like Cinderella hard. But then she got saved by a rich prince who paid for her dreams to come true. So where's the message now? Or maybe I got it all wrong and the message was really that you need love and hard work to be happy? I wonder what the kids thought. And then! Then, she was only human for a small portion of the movie. She spent the bulk of the movie as a damn frog. How does that even count as a movie about a black princess? I don't know but I kind of felt cheated. Just a little bit, though. I'm thankful for what I could get and I did enjoy Oprah as her mother, I loved Anika Noni Rose as Tiana, and the lightening bugs and Mama Dodie (I think that was her name) brought a bunch of smiles to my face. Oh, and the witch doctor was pretty good, too. The mardi gras theme at the end was also a nice touch. The music sucked though, lol. They picked the Toy Story guy to do the music. His niche was Toy Story and he should have hung up his hat after that. Nevertheless, I finally got my princess!! FINALLY.
So I got my princess and while I'm not elated with her, she'll do. I just hope she gets the love she deserves from real little girls - like Jasmine, Belle, Cinderella, Ariel, and Snow White get. I want Tiana to be appreciated because I waited long and hard for her.

I should really be doing something else

but I'm sitting here listening to crappy music on Myfm trying to win tickets to the John Mayer concert this March. It's raining and I'm still in my pajamas. I have so much to do today but I'm sitting here being forced to endure bullshit tunes in the name of love. I really want to win these tickets. Maybe I should give up. They're making you text in rather than call in and I've lost twice. How the hell can one be the 150th texter? How do you finnagle that? Perhaps I'm wasting my precious time :( I'm trying to be optimistic though, so I can be like "OMG! I WON!" and then go see John and throw my bra on stage whilst screaming my head off like I'm 16 years old all over again. Not really but yeah.
I guess I should go brush my teeth. It's after 1 o'clock.

Toni has put me in a mood

I love Toni Braxton's Christmas cd but Lordy me, it has put me in a serious mood and with the events from this week, es no bueno.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eba8OOoILaA&feature=related

Of course I dug it out and started listening to it for the Christmas in Jamaica track with Shaggy, lol. Getting pumped for my trip. But damn...I completely forgot how sultry this holiday cd is. That's Toni for ya.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NtH6ruS-OaU&feature=related

My wall is an illusion

Some days I feel like the man behind the curtain in the wiz. Just a big fat phoney, afraid of being found out. I play tough girl well but, honestly, I'm such a cream puff. And I mean majorly. Now, I can spit venom with the best of them and define bitch for you if you push me far enough. But then I usually feel an overwhelming sense of regret. Like why'd you push me like that! I'm not inherently mean, some people make me mean though. It's self defense. Anyway, I'm beating around the bush because what's really on my mind is how easy it is for me to go soft serve. I'm currently having a moment, you see. The other day someone I hardly pay attention to and was sure never paid me any mind, flirted with me relentlously. Harmless flirting I guess, and to be honest I'm not interested in him, but that attention had me open for a spell. In fact, as you can tell from this post, I'm still slightly ajar. And it's turned me topsy turvy when previously I had been just fine, walking with purpose and tunnel vision. Now? I'm stumbling a bit, off center :( The hell? I put up this Great Wall and to most (I think) it appears impenetrable when really it's just a hologram. I'm jaded and unsure and just want to feel secure enough to let my guards down and be me. But I'm scared (c) cowardly lion

I want John Mayer for Christmas

My mother has been bugging me for over a week now to tell her what I want for Christmas. I usually buy myself whatever I want so I've been coming up blank which is frustrating her. Then the other day someone mentioned never hearing any of John's songs except Your Body Is a Wonderland, so I began to gather all of the songs that I have by John and the next thing I knew I was falling in love all over again. I went to his blog/tour site and found out that he'll be in LA in March and I want to go sooo bad. I don't care if no one goes with me, I'll go alone and scream my head off. But a semi-good seat runs about $90 :( I'd be willing to pay that for floor seats but bleachers? I'd feel robbed of the intimate experience you go to concerts for in the first place. Anyway, I told her that's what I want and, of course, she scoffed at the price initially. So I told her not to worry, it is too high and I'll come up with something else later. But I have a feeling she's going to try to get me a ticket. I wish she could get me front row tickets though.

Do you know where YOUR mother is?

I've been trying to find my mama all day, damn near panicking and ready to call the authorities. So I decided to call my step father's cell phone before alerting the po-po's and the media, and where are they? The damn casino. They drove ALL the way out to Morongo to gamble on a Thursday night. When he answered the phone he said "hey! hey, Val. Ya mama's not by me right now, she's on the slots...blahblahblah, yeahyeahyeah." And I'm figuring he left work today to take her gambling because a couple of days after Thanksgiving she sent him down to the garage to get her Christmas tree and ornaments and he neglected to kick and shake down the bags and containers and ended up bringing a mouse in the house. My mother is TERRIFIED of rodents. All kinds - mice, rats, squirrels, gerbils, hamsters, chinchilla's...she fears them all. So for about a week she's been trapped in bed, afraid to get up and move about the house unless someone is there with her. So, feeling guilty and likely tired of getting cussed out, he took her to play the slots. haha. Now I can go to bed without worrying. Good night.

What a difference a day makes

My boy is happy again :) He came home yesterday smiling and chipper, almost like the breakup the day before never happened to him. Thank goodness because I was running out of ideas on ways to cheer him up.

Countdown to the hula! I've rented the car, the room is paid for, the flights are paid for, reservations have been made, tickets to activities have been bought, a tour guide book was bought, and the itinerary is finally coming together. I can hardly wait! This getaway is going to be exactly what the doctor ordered - rest, relaxation, rejuvenation, and regroup-ation, lol.

I feel so sad for my boy. Yesterday he came home looking like Eeyore. I asked him how his day went and he told me that he and Marina had broken up. Too many issues with her mom not knowing she had a boyfriend, her parents fighting for custody of her and her brother, her mother losing her job, she might be moving by the end of this semester to Texas if dad wins custody, and to top it all off she has developed some sort of lung illness :( He said the break up was amicable but she still cried and they hugged and kissed before he walked her out to the front of the school to wait for her step father to come and pick her up. I hate that my boy is so sad and there's nothing I can really do to cheer him up. And, of course, I tried. I bought him a big plate of chili cheese fries last night from Tops, hugged him a lot, cracked jokes and tried to get his mind off of things. I even promised to take him shopping, lol. None of it seemed to work all that well but he did seem appreciative that I tried. It's bumming me out to see him moping around but on the other hand I know it's good for him. He'll have plenty of girlfriends in his lifetime and while this one is tough it's only going to make him grow and mature. I had to remind him that he wasn't going to marry Marina, even though he claimed to love her. He also said that he'd wanted to date her for the entire 3 years that they've known each other and now it's over too soon, like it's the end of his dating life forever. He's 15 so this attitude is par for the course.
Only time will mend his teenage heart and today is the first day he'll have to begin to get used to the idea of not being Marina's boyfriend. Meanwhile, I'll have to try to figure out ways to cheer him up and help him stay focused on the rest of his life.

Gobble Gobble Day

The offspring and cousins

I'm not making cheesecake anymore for Thanksgiving

I make it every year and I don't know how I always forget (until I've already started making it) that it hogs up the oven for over two hours. I have a big pan full of peaches and dough ready to be turned into cobbler, just sitting on the counter restlessly. But the cheesecake has to cool in the oven before I can remove it and let it chill in the fridge for 3-4 hours. It's already been in the oven for an hour. I don't know why I do this to myself every year. But I'll tell you one thing, this is going to be one BANGING Thanksgiving! Our matriarch, my mama, is getting old so for the past 6 years or so we've been helping her prepare the feast. She continues to make the main dishes because we don't want to take that joy away from her, but we usually make the sides and desserts. Soooo, I'm making candied yams, potato salad, homemade rolls, a caramel apple cheesecake, a pound cake, and a big pan of peach cobbler. And do you know with all those sweets on the menu I forgot to buy a few more gallons of vanilla ice cream? :( I currently only have one so I'll be heading to the grocery store before I drive down to Mama Dukes tomorrow.
I've been putting on karaoke in my living room in between cooking:
Cause youre a sweeeet sexy thang!
and you make my whole heart sang!
and there's nothing in this world I wouldn't DOOOoo OooOoo!
I'm JUST A SUCKA FOR YOUR LOVE!! SUCKA FA LOoooVE!
doot doot dootoot toot!
lol
My brown t-shirt is covered in...food. Looking down I see cornstarch, flour, peach juice, and some sticky substance I can't quite place.
Happy Thanksgiving :)

Lakers vs. Bulls

My boy at the game (THANKS JENNY!) in one of the suites at the Staples Center. He got a haircut and stuff the next day, lol.

THIS JUST IN

My pal Jenny just gave me suite tickets to the Lakers vs. Bulls game tonight WITH free parking! Me and the boy will have his birthday dinner there tonight :D

15 Years Ago Today...

I was laid up in a hospital bed in Inglewood, California with about 10 blankets on me, cold and completely exhausted after spending a full day in labor, 6 hours of hard labor, and then, finally at 3:40am delivering a 6 pound, 14 ounce baby boy from my nether regions, lol. I can laugh today but I damn sure wasn't laughing then. I was too tired to even giggle. It wasn't as painful as everyone had souped it up to be but it was certainly harder than I could have ever imagined. After he was born, both of our body temperatures dropped tremendously because we had become accustomed to relying on the others' body heat to keep us warm. So there I lay with 10 blankets atop me while the other part of me was in a hot incubator down in the nursery trying to work up his own body temp.
Last night he was worried that no one but me would remember to wish him a happy birthday today (it's already starting. the woes many of us experience every year for some insane reason on our birthdays) but this morning at like 5am his paternal grandma in Florida called and woke me up :( I ignored the phone though and as soon as I'd gone back to dreamland (I was having a great dream about shopping in a thrift store) his aunt called but she went to voicemail and hung up before I could answer. So I gave up the fight to get more winks, got up and woke him up. He ended up getting 5 happy birthday wishes before he headed off to school, cologned down to the socks for an afternoon movie date with his girlfriend and two of their female friends. My baby's all growed up. Wow. It really takes getting used to and lately I've been imagining what it'll be like when he leaves the nest and I'm not so much a part of his life anymore. Or when he starts a family of his own! I really hope he chooses a great woman to be the mother of my grandchildren and ensures that I see them often. Yeah, my thoughts are spiraling out of control, lol. He's only 15 :)
Anyway, I have red velvet cupcakes and DJ Guitar Hero to pick up today because it's my Boobie's birthday. :D

This year, I'm stealing Christmas

I just realized that I'm going to Hawaii 5 days before Christmas in order to spite my family. Well, not entirely. I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but going in December seems especially perfect because not only will I be avoiding all the summer vacationers, I'll also get to spend a selfish and intimate Christmas alone with my son and away from my mooching family who successful drain all of my Christmas joy year after year. Like a wild pack of Christmas vampires.
Because of them, every year I seem to end up getting the shaft and Christmas is a huge let down. Someone inevitably wants to borrow money from me so that they can pretend to be Santa Claus, and then pay me back in tiny chunks over the coming year. Fuck that. Then they all want to see what gifts I got them, thinking that I'm John D. Rockefeller. And then, when they don't open up a thousand dollar gift of gold, they turn their ungrateful noses up and I'm sitting there pissed and unappreciated. This year, however, they'll be lucky if they get a box of coal.
My cousin won't be able to get away with giving cigarette lighters as gifts, either (yes, she really got away with doing that one year because she's always crying broke and everyone has happily accepted that she's a selfish loser) because I always pull through and make up for it with my gifts, and I won't be here to witness whatever transpires as a result of her going it alone. Perhaps they'll eat her alive? :) Now that I'd hate to miss, lol. Okay, not really, but still.
But THIS year...THIS YEAR I'm pulling the biggest heist ever. Instead of JD Rockefeller call me MR Grinch. There will be no using or abusing or noses turned up at my gifts because I won't be here to use or abuse or give. In fact, my plan is to return home on Christmas Eve, open gifts quietly that evening with my son, and then spend Christmas day cheerfully unpacking, unwinding and sipping on something warm and sweet. If the family wants to stop by they are welcome to do so but they shouldn't expect anything beyond a trinket souvenir from my wonderful trip, since I was on holiday before the holiday and didn't have time to shop for their ungrateful asses. Muah-hahahaha-HA! Extremely evil of me? Perhaps. I no longer have my Christmas spirit because they shanked her a long time ago. I'm hoping to find new cheer in Hawaii :) Happy Festivus! Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Merry New Year! Happy Kwanzaa! and all that jazz.

Baby It's You

Was a Burt Bacharch song originally sang by the Shirelle's in 1961. The Pasadena Playhouse recently put on a show by the same name about the woman who discovered them, housewife and mother, Florence Greenberg. Yours truly (along with my mom, aunt, and cousin) was in attendance this past Thursday and my amateur theater-buff grade for the show is: B+. I fell in love with Geno Henderson's performance as disc jockey "Jocko", who practically stole the show with the handful of scenes he was in as a co-star, singing and narrating some parts. This was my mothers era of music, stuff she sang and danced to and was inspired by as a teen so I never knew that the Shirelle's were essentially the first Supremes, the precursor to many popular girl groups to come. And I was especially surprised to learn that a white housewife, Florence Greenberg, with the help of African American producer/songwriter, Luther Dixon (who she had a LONG term affair with), was able to successfully take on the male-dominated music industry and bring us entertainers like...The Isley Brothers, Dionne Warwick, Flip Wilson, Wilson Pickett, and, of course, The Shirelles. I think the most popular song by the Shirelles actually turned out to be "I Met Him on a Sunday"...or maybe "Dedicated to the One I Love", or "Foolish Little Girl", or wait..."Tonight's the Night", I can't decide. Songs that were remade by others and topped the charts later on. The Supremes, Destiny's Child and every other girl group owe a debt of gratitude to Doris Coley, Beverley Lee, Shirley Owens, and Addie Harris - aka, The Shirelles.

Watching that play I imagined my parents singing on my grandparent's porch, my dad and uncles corner crooning, lol, and my mom, her friend Mary and her cousin Carolyn winning the Talent Show of '68 when they formed a girl group called the Bellettes . That's them below, right before they got the chance of a lifetime to sing with THE Smokey Robinson. My grandmother had a newspaper clipping with them and Smokey, which I think my aunt took when grandmae passed away. That's my mom on the right. Her cousin Bruce sewed all of their costumes, the black Versace, lol.
Anyway, I love theater and if the Playhouse doesn't get enough donations from patrons and sponsors their doors will close soon, which would be a travesty. They hire lots of black actors and actresses and tell stories (like the biography of Lena Horn that we went to see not too long ago) that you'd probably never know otherwise. I think when I return from Hawaii this December and my money gets back right, I'll buy a season pass and take my son to as many performances as possible.
And if you live in LA, please go check out "Baby It's You". You won't regret it.

Maybe a planet is in retrograde somewhere

because something aint right. Either I'm pms'ing or everyone who's crossed my path over the last two days has been a lunatic and I'm just now realizing it. Well, my step father has always been an idiot so when he was getting on my nerves on Tuesday it didn't occur to me that anything was off kilter. That's just the way he rolls. But then my mother worked the hell out of one of my nerves yesterday and now today my ex is rodeo riding another one. Perhaps it's hermit time for me. But I won't be able to retreat until possibly tomorrow sometime because I'm going to a play tonight. Damn.

Check me out

Just a handful of shots from my trip:
Ready for my close up.

Cheesing it up in EyeCandy, a club inside Mandalay Bay, about to hit the dancefloor.

My favorite pair of "destroyed" denim. Tre sex-ay! I love these flowers.

I found this dress at Nordstrom Rack for 1/2 price. It has a 'T' back made out of the same silky material as the skirt portion. LOVE IT! The red patent leather shoes and clutch came respectively from Macy's 2 Christmas's ago, and Ross one year ago. I think they worked perfectly with the dress

Sin City

I'm sitting here in my coat - because my robe is packed up in my suitcase - waiting to get picked up by my family for yet another trip to Las Vegas. I tried on three bikini's last night and the top half of me was hot :). The bottom half, not so much :(. Maybe I need to quit trying to lose weight because all my trying is resulting in me gaining. This won't do.

Yahoo weather predicts it to be in the mid 70s today and 75 tomorrow, which is good enough for me to head down to Mandalay Bay's "beach" for a dip. In my one-piece. Or maybe I'll brave the bikini since I doubt I'll ever see any of those people ever again. Who's paying attention to me, anyway? They're all either worried about their own fat, or content with it enough not to give a damn about mines. Right? Right.

Anyway, I'd better get ready to go. Hasta luego.

More when I return.

I want to be a jet setter when I grow up

Whenever someone starts talking about their travels – what they bought in Timbuktu, how it smells in India and Paris, sailing across the jungle sky in Costa Rica – I get jealous. Having never left the country, I have nothing to add to the conversation and that really sucks. But traveling is in my bones, I can feel it. In all my years I haven’t been able to do much more than local travel though (local being Las Vegas, driving across the country to St. Louis, a weekend in New York) because of my parental responsibilities and super (duper) weak bank account. But now that my son is growing out of the nest (3 more years and he’ll be a technical adult! Where did the time go!?) and my bank account is getting stronger, I’m planning and preparing to get my travel on. I want a passport, dammit! with lots and lots of stickers on it. I want to see Paris at night in the spring, ride a bike in Bali, learn to hula in Tahiti, see the castles in England, stargaze in Tunisia, Brazil, Greece, Tuscany... I want to furnish my house with stuff I picked up in far away places and learn bits and pieces of a language or 3. All I want to do in my 40s and 50s is travel and remodel my house. That would be so fucktastic. I already have plans in my head for my son’s room when he moves out, lol. French doors leading out onto the flagstone patio in the backyard will replace one of his window pairs. I’ll make his room my office/guest room with an insanely comfy sofa bed in there for daydreaming &/or sleep over’s. He doesn’t know this yet. It’ll be a surprise :) For me, it’ll be a dream. I've gotta start planning and saving!
I guess I'm thinking more about all of this now because he is growing up and my nest is going to be empty soon. I still can't believe it. My biggest role for the past 15 years was being his mother, so what will I do with myself once he no longer needs as much mothering? The plan is to to build, remodel, landscape, travel, and write. I'll start by taking classes at Home Depot in a few weeks. Then whatever upgrades I make I'll post pictures of.

Halloween pictures are up

See "fotos" to your right :)
I had a great time and glad I opted not to go to San Diego after all. I'm really not a party girl so walking around Hollywood, laughing at costumes and taking pictures was perfect for me. We saw plenty of sluts, and I mean SLUTS. Ass literally hanging out, women walking around in as little material as is legal...IN CALIFORNIA. haha. There were also a lot of creative and hilarious costumes, which to me is the essence of Halloween. Not slut fest. As you can see in the pics I was a Native American, sans slut appeal. I got a little lazy in the creating stages and just winged it, found an old belt in my closet, borrowed my moms necklace... Although I think I did a great job on my eye make up. Originally I was going to go as Peter Pans baby mama, Tiger Lilly complete with a baby in a papoose on my back but I decided what I had on was enough and I didn't want to have to explain the baby. Call me Sakajawea (sp?), Pocahontas, Tiger Lilly, or whatever, but you get the picture. After traipsing around Hollywood we went to IHOP for breakfast and then headed home around 1am. My son went to a haunted house with a few friends and then slept over his buddy's house and went to Hometown Buffet for breakfast this morning. He said his Halloween was awesome and that Marina called him and said that she took an extra bag with her trick or treating just for him. How sweet. She's bringing the bag full of candy to school with her on Monday. Oh, he finally confessed to me that she is, indeed, his girlfriend.
Mr. Ed Choppers is probably still in San Diego getting over a hangover. I hope she had a good time, though.

The Chinese folks emailed me back:

Dear Valerie,
Yes, we can refund full payment to you for any reason. Would you mind simply let us know the reason for return ? Also, did you return the boot to us already. We will refund full payment to you after we confirm everything. Don't worry, we will not keep your money if you really want refund.
Thank you for your patience !

Bastards. I emailed them over a week ago requesting a return. I bet they're finally responding because Mastercard roughed up Paypal and Paypal in turn roughed them up (the bootleggers) . I don't trust those janky motherfuckers but I'm damn sure going to ship those retarded looking boots back to them and have MC iron out getting me my money back in the meantime. I couldn't even stand to look at the box they came in so I shoved them on my service porch underneath a bunch of toilet paper I bought from Costco. Those fuckers tried to play me! lol. I'm still salty but not as distraught as I was before. I had all kinds of outfits planned out in my head, lol. It hurt to be bamboozled, damn. Never again will I buy anything from an unknown website. Now Nordstrom I can trust so I ordered these last week:

http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/3025987?Category=&Search=True&SearchType=keywordsearch&keyword=ugg+in+Women%27s+Shoes&origin=searchresults

They should be here tomorrow according to UPS tracking. Yes, they're pricey, I know. So I decided they'd be my early xmas/birthday present to myself :) JUSTIFIED! I really like how comfy they are and that they lace up in the back. Can't wait to wear 'em!

Feeling HOT HOT HOT!

Yesterday, on my way to my car to go home, one of my coworkers looked back at me on the way to his car and said "Hey Val. You look really hot today :)"
lol, heeeeeeeyy! All I had on were some black leggings, some lace up, black ankle boots, a plum colored satin button down shirt and a slouchy black belt, BUT I'LL TAKE IT! haha. Then, this morning Mr. Ed Choppers told me that the IT guy told her the same thing about me. I guess I still got it, yall! I'm hoping this mojo works some wammies this weekend when I go out for adult tricks and treats ;) We're talking about going down to San Diego for a big street party they give every year and staying over at a hotel until Sunday morning. I hope nobody flakes. This should be HUGE fun.

My chairs came in from Walmart the other day and although I said I didn't want to be bothered with my ex, he did promise me he'd put my chairs together for me when they arrived. It pains me to do this but I'm calling him for that favor.

the woman is the mule of the world (c) nanny

Actually, she said "So de white man throw down de load and tell de nigger man tuh pick it up. . . He hand it to his womenfolks. De n*gger woman is de mule uh de world so fur as Ah can see," to Janie, her granddaughter, in my favorite book "Their Eyes Were Watching God" by Zora Neale Hurston.
I feel like a mule right now too. My world is taunting me, my heart is singing the blues. Yesterday, during my lunch break, I got a call and was told that years of my hard work didn't pay off, and all my hope just went out the car window. I've invested so much and I'm so tired. Parenting is the toughest job in the world, I'm convinced.
So used to disappointment, I just need someone who truly understands but I don't know anyone who likely would. I'm getting better at coping.
I wish there was a way for me to skip to the back of the book and see how this story turns out.
Sorry this is so vague. I can't very well put all my business on the internet, you know.

My boy is going to homecoming...w/ a date!

Last night he came into the kitchen with me and I asked him if he wanted to go down to L.A. on Sunday (I'm going to meet my nephew's pregnant girlfriends' grandmother. Her only family since her mom passed when she was 11) and he said
"Okay... But Saturday me, Sam(antha), Anais, and Tyler need to go shopping at the mall. Can I have some money for homecoming clothes?"
I'm thinking he's asking for clams for clothes for the football game but DUH, he's asking for clothes for the dance!!! I asked him what he was thinking of wearing and if he had a date and he blushed. Guess who he's taking to the dance :) That's right, Mariiiiiiiiina. He finally showed me a picture of her on his cell phone and she's a cute girl. I don't remember her from 8th grade but apparently they've known each other since then. And she's digging my boy. She made him yet another threaded bracelet, lol. This one is a little fancier than the last one. So cute. I wont dare ask if she's his girlfriend though, because all he'll do is squeal and deny it and never tell me shit again, lol.
Anyhoo, we're both geeked but, of course, I have to hide my excitement so he won't crack and shut me out. I cannot WAIT for pictures! Oh boy!!

It's true; ignorance is bliss

I don’t want to know why a so-called friend said what he said and did what he did. I’m content with thinking he has issues and I shouldn’t take it personal at all. MOVING RIGHT ALONG. I don’t want to know what my ex is feeling because then I might care. I’d rather assume that his arms are folded and he’s in a huff because he is a girly, attitudinal retard and men are the new women :) I don’t really want to know if the guy I’m crushing on from afar is dating that girl in the Camry or not. Don’t bring me no bad news © the wiz. I’d rather remain comfortably unconscious, dreaming of me and him wrapped in each others arms, sharing bon bons on my couch. Actually, I need to remain detached right now because my nerves are doing HAND STANDS and everybody is trying to ride them. It’s not ideal. There’s too much stress floating in the air around me. Nothing but good news will be welcomed into my bosom starting right now. I just can’t take any negativity. I’m afraid I’ll absorb it and it’ll beat me © Ms Celie. I am currently winning in my oblivion, which is waaaay cool. My heart swelled when my friend Jenny sent me a link to a new Funny or Die clip that she directed. It had many funny moments and I was mighty damn proud of her. That’s my girl! And I needed that pick me up. Rock on, sister! Later on I’m going to continue the party with Nacho Libre, a new hair ‘do, lasagna from Maria’s (YUM!), no responsibilities, and NOT ONE DAMN CLUE.

Real Sushi

Last Friday my ex called my house sounding like a happy little chipmunk. We exchanged pleasantries and he asked if our son was home. I told him, no, that he was hanging out at McDonald’s with his friends. Before I could bid him ado and get back to what I was doing, he quickly asked if he could stop by since he was in the neighborhood. I should have told him ‘no’ but I couldn’t think of a reason why that wouldn’t hurt his feelings, and I knew he’d ask. So I said “sure,” and hung up the phone miffed. He showed up, turned on my living room TV, grabbed some snacks and moved my big chair to the center of the floor. 0_0 He turned to football… 0_0 …and proceeded to get on my damn nerves. Hours went by, my son had come home, they exchanged words and my ex was still there. I started to get hungry and had no plans to cook. In fact, I had no plans to be kicked out of my living room, to watch football, or to feed an ogre but there I was doing all that shit. I asked him if he had any money to go in on some take out. “Nope,” he said, and continued to watch TV. “But you can go ahead and eat if you want to, Val.” Like I was really going to get my supreme grub on in front of him and not offer his big ass anything. Ugh! So I stewed, trying to figure out how I was going to escape this lousy predicament I’d gotten myself into. Now, I have absolutely no problem with feeding people on my dime. However, he is a moocher and I vowed a long time ago, with God as my witness, that he wouldn't get another free meal out of me until he changed his evil ways.
An hour went by. Then my son came out of his room to ask me if I’d take him to the mall to meet up with some friends for a movie. I asked the ex if he wanted to go for the ride, since the mall was down the street from his house HINT HINT (and I could drop him off) and maybe he could stop at the ATM and get some money. He said “nah,” he didn’t want to go for the ride 0_o That’s about when my eye started to twitch. I left, dropped my son off at the mall, and cursed all the way back home to my loafing guest, still HUNGRY as hell. That’s when the argument began. It turns out, he felt that since he’d bought me a FOUR DOLLAR (his emphasis, not mine) taco a couple of weeks ago when him and his brother went to Top’s and brought my son something back, that I shouldn’t have a problem with buying him some food. 0_0 After asking whether he was pulling my leg, we sat and tried to figure out what to eat. I was not in the mood to argue with him. I was hungry as hell.
He through out suggestion after suggestion, but mentioned the semi-expensive sushi spot twice, despite me having shot it down once before. “I don’t want to take you to the rack," he said. "You shouldn't go to Acapulco's because then you’ll have to leave a tip…blah blah blah.” Finally, feeling like EYE wanted some spicy tuna rolls, EYE decided to drive us to SanSai, the Japanese McDonald’s. On the way there he throw’s out one last ditch effort for the semi-expensive sushi spot, saying “you might as well go there, it’s right down the street.”
No, I said, this sushi will just fine. “But it’s not even REAL sushi,” he says. To which I reply
“WTH? You don’t even EAT real sushi! Crunch rolls and teriyaki chicken aint sashimi!”
“What?”
0_0
I pull up at SanSai and get out. He’s dragging his feet walking slowly behind me. I get in, smile and place my order, look around and he’s sitting in the back on a stool with his arms folded saying “go ahead,” he doesn’t want anything. Whatever. I get my food and proceed to dig in. He’s sitting across from me, stoic, watching baseball on the TV overhead, providing one word answers to my conversation. Suddenly, he’s not hungry and has lost all enthusiasm for a free meal.
Now, I’ve been down this road before with this dunce cap so I refuse to play into his tantrum. The way I see it, he’s upset because he figured that since he brought me a FOUR DOLLAR TACO without being asked a couple of weeks ago, that I should repay him with a nice “sushi” dinner with drinks and a tip, instead of the fast-food sushi that I had so graciously offered him. Get the entire fuck out of here, dude. Lol.
After my meal I promptly dropped him off at the curb in front of his apartment building and sped off. Toodle’oo, fool!!

Oh LAWD! I'mma be sick :(

If these Chinese people don't give me my money back...I'm going to cry :(
I can't take it. Paypal basically told me "tough shit" so I called Mastercard and they've opened an investigation. Dude knew automatically that the boots were knock offs. I didn't even have to tell him. They handle this type of stuff all the time. Now I must fight...and worry...and possibly cry...but I wont go down without a struggle. I've even emailed the Chinese asking to return these bootleg boots. Now I'm going to sit on pins and needles and wait :(
Lord, help me. I'm so sad.

Ugh

My day has gone from sugar to shit in less than an hour. If you've been reading you might recall that I was excited about buying a pair of leather Ugg boots online that I'd been searching high and low for ever since I saw them in Marshalls for $165. But I hesitated and they sold out.
I was super desperate. I looked and called everywhere but no dice except online, of course. But the online prices were double what I could pay. Then I stumbled on this cheapy looking website on Yahoo. It didn't look reputable at all and the only forms of payment they accepted were Visa or Paypal. And I was desperate. So I signed up for Paypal and ordered these too-good-to-be-true boots I just HAD to have. I emailed the vendor asking them when they'd ship them and they responded in some of the worst Chinese ebonics I've ever read. I was nervous but, nevertheless, I pulled the trigger, figuring Paypal had my back. And if not Paypal, I knew damn well Mastercard did. For a week now I've been sweating bullets, wondering if these Chinese folks had run off with my money. So, unable to take the suspense any longer, I filed a complaint with Paypal. The next day I received this email from the Chinese folks:

Dear Valerie,
We feel so sorry for the late reply. Also, we feel so sorry for the late shipping. We inform you before, the item sold out but get back already. We shipped you by express already. We expect you will receive within this week or coming monday.We are not using UPS. We use EMS express service. Would you mind cancel the claim action by paypal? We promise if you still haven't receive before deadline. We will refund full payment to you. Anyway, we agree the wait is too long. Sorry again. Thank you for your patience !

:( I got home today and saw that the mailman did attempt to deliver something from China so I rushed to the Post Office to pick up my package. Got the box home, cut it open and discovered that I got GOT. They are clearly Ugg knock offs and not very good knock offs at that. Super pleather and the zipper is on the wrong side. I am so so sad. They don't even fit! I called Paypal to file another complaint and tomorrow I'm calling my credit card company to dispute the charges. I suppose that's what I get for not listening to my gut. Please pray for me and my refund. I'mma be SICK if I don't get my money back. Thanks *sigh

I kinda bet the farm this weekend

I was supposed to not spend a penny, one red hot cent. That was my goal. But then I found those leather Ugg boots I'd been searching high and low for and they were on sale for 50% off ($160), so I bought em. Then I finally found some dining room chairs to replace these ugly old ones that I'm embarrassed to have, and they were on sale ($263 for four). So I bought them too. And then, while perusing the mall with my fam I discovered that Ann Taylor was having yet another sale - an additional 40% off sale prices this time. So I bought a dress and two boat neck tops from them. Then I went grocery shopping at Costco (I only go there when I want to stock up on stuff and don't want to have to go to the store for a LONG time, and since hibernating season is upon us, I went) and spent $200 some odd dollars. This was not what I had planned for my weekend. In fact, I wasn't even supposed to leave the house. But I had guests intrude upon me on both days and both sets wanted me to tag along with THEM on shopping excursions. None of them spent as much as me, the only one of us who was supposed to be on a retail diet. Therefore, I slightly suck. I say slightly because I did buy two things we needed - food and dining room chairs. I didn't, however, truly need those boots or the Ann Taylor stuff but they were STEALS, so I couldn't pass them up :( Hence me partially sucking. I can't wait to wear my boots though :)

I had one of the most bizarre dreams

Long story short, I crashed the third wedding of my ex's sister who doesn't like me, lol. I rolled up in there in jeans and a t-shirt, completely ON ONE, looking for her fourth brother (she only has 3 though) who owed me money. In my defense, I hadn't even realized it was a wedding at first. My mother and cousin were there for some reason, all dressed up, and my ex's mama was dressed to the nines except for her Strawberry Shortcake bra strap hanging out (that's how real the dream seemed, lol. She's tacky as hell). Initially, I had been calling everybody's cell phone all throughout the wedding looking for this fool who said he wasn't going to give me my money back. Oh, HELL NO. So since no one was paying me any mind by phone, I decided to roll up there and convince his mama to ride with me back to her house so that I could confiscate the $600 worth of Walmart stuff I'd let him buy so he could get a job. Bizarre as hell. I'd never loan anybody that much money for Walmart shit while awake, lol. Anyway, she was sipping a martini when I found her and smiling without making eye contact with me. And as I was running the plan down to her I thought "hmm, that's a nice ass dress Evelyn got on. How unusual." Then I saw some flower girls run by and my mama pulled me to the side by the bar and confirmed that I was crashing that woman's wedding to her 3rd husband. SIDENOTE: each and every one of those dresses in my dream were handmade and THE BOMB and I imagined them while asleep but can't think of anything like that to save my life while awake, lol. As soon as I woke up I felt like sketching them out before I forgot them but my phone rang and by the time I'd gotten done talking I'd forgotten them :(
Anyway, so his sister finally came out (and her dress was killer, too) and glared at me like "YOU LOUSY BITCH!" but she didn't say anything. I congratulated her on her wedding to the fat man and then hopped back in the car to go stake out her mama's house to wait on her brother (that doesn't exist) and his girlfriend to show up for a show down. I think this dream means that I'm worrying about losing track of my money, lol.

I've been snooping

As any good mother would. My son will be 15 this November. He checks himself out in the mirror often and is fixated with his newly formed muscles, body hair and bulkiness. He no longer has to be hunted down to take a shower and even wears cologne now. It has become clear to me that he is not doing all of these things that I've had to wrestle him down to do for years because he's suddenly wanting to look and smell nice. No, I can only assume that he's doing all of this for the benefit of others since his room remains a mess and he's only funky-fresh on the week days; weekends be damned. And since when has he cared that much about others? Who the hell is suddenly so special that he feels a bath is warranted? lol, mm hmm.
So last Friday he called me to pick him up from his schools football game. He sounded pretty happy so I assumed the team had won. Then, when I asked him where exactly on campus he was, he told me "I'm at the front gate... with Marina." Who the hell is Marina, I thought. I know 80% of his friends' names, male and female but I'd never heard of a Marina. Hm. I hopped in the car and called him to tell him to meet me in the parking lot instead, since the rest of the area was so crowded. After about 10 minutes, I saw him in my rearview mirror, walking to the car with the goofiest grin on his face. Almost immediately upon getting in his cell phone rang. It was Keelan.
My boy: Heyyyy Bro...Remember that thing I told you might happen, bro? Yeah... it almost happened, bro *grinning from ear to ear. The pitch of his voice went up on that last sentence.
That's when my antennae went up. I left the radio turned off and heard bits of their fragmented convo all the way home. He went into the house still talking to Keelan, and closed his bedroom door. But he wasn't whispering so I stood in the hall and listened. Because that's my job!
Turns out, this heffa Marina wanted to kiss my boy but he clammed up. She's a sophmore on the varsity cheerleading squad and can "make her body into a table!" *rolls eyes. Later that night, after I got distracted by my own phone and couldn't snoop any longer, he came into my bedroom to tell me how his night went. He was visibly still geeked, saying how he had everyone laughing hysterically at his jokes all night and how he was pretty much the man to be at that moment. Then I spotted a thin piece of thread around his wrist. "What's that?"
My boy: Oh, this? *lifting the bracelet with one finger, playing DUMB!
Me: Yes. What is that? *now noticing it was one of those braided thread bracelets girls make
My boy: Oh, Marina gave me this. *proceeds to change the subject.
As I listened to him go on and on about his fantastic night, Cathy Bates was inside my head yelling out "FOOOZball, is the debil! Little gaayles is the debil, Bobby!!"
Oh, dios mio.
THEN, yesterday I got an opportunity to check his text messages and I read a little bit about a rumor that Marina was mad at him for not kissing her (ol' fast ass! but it must be true because Samantha told him that) and Keelan telling him not to say anything but to just walk up to her the next time he sees her and "just KISS her, bro." This boy is trying to get my boy caught up in a harrassment case :( But what do I do? What do I say??? Thank goodness, my older nephew came over with my mom on Sunday and they stayed in the room chatting and playing video games. My mom said when she walked in there they yelled "GRANDMA! We're talking!! Don't turn that light on! Get out, grandma."
So now she's Watson to my Sherlock. We're on this gatdamn case! I'm waiting to find out if my nephew cracked and spilled the beans to my mama. Stay tuned.

I broke out the crockpot the other day

...tossed some garlic and onions on the bottom, a cup of baby carrots, a cup of apple cider vinegar, then topped it all off with 5 seasoned, olive oil-coated chicken breasts. Within 5 hours that chicken was falling off the bone and the house was smelling delicious. My son and my guests said they enjoyed it but I wasn't all that pleased. You see, even though I cooked it in a pot full of spices and the chickens own juice, it still tasted kind of dry to me. And that's probably because all the juice - natural and added - was still in the pot and not really in the chicken anymore. When I've steamed chicken it was juicy as hell, all that was lost was some unwanted fat. But steamed chicken doesn't retain very much seasoning so I guess I'll have to choose between the two - the seasoning or the juice :( Or maybe I can figure out a way to keep both. We'll see. I haven't put away my crock pot yet.
Yesterday, my fam stopped by and we did a bit of fall cleaning and decorating. The yard looks fantastic (not finished decorating yet, though) and so does the house. All the leaves got raked up by mumsie, the boys mowed the front and back lawns, and my step dad trimmed the trees and bushes. I put out four tombstones, an artificial light-up jack o-lanter, a "Witches Crossing" sign, and a couple of scarecrows. Tonight I'll swap out my porch light with a black bulb and sometime this week I'll go buy a few real, colorful pumpkins (white and orange). Decorating on the inside of the house will mostly just consist of a few branches, pine cones and candles, maybe some fall leaves in the living room window.
I've also finally decided what I want to be for Halloween: an Indian chick, complete w/ mocassins and a papoose on my back. We'll see if I'm able to find all the stuff to make this costume, though.

Fall weather is finally here!

And I feel my hibernation senses kicking into full gear. I woke up this morning and considered turning on the heat for a little while to knock the chill off, but I grabbed my pink fluffy robe instead after fighting off the comfy-cozies keeping me in bed. 8 days after the official start of the autumnal equinox and at last I can start digging out sweaters and throws and hot cocoa :) I can see myself now, squished up on my couch w/ a cup of warm cocoa topped with marshmallows, my favorite fleece throw, hair all be-damned, and whatever the Netflix Gods have bestowed upon me. That's pure joy! I still don't know what I'm going to dress up as for Halloween though and that's sort of worrying me because all the good stuff will be sold out soon. I've gotta act fast! In addition to Halloween plans we're also making plans for my moms birthday in Vegas again this November, my upcoming "hula trip," and New Years Eve somewhere. I have a sneaking suspicion that I'll end up trapped at home again this NYE due to funds and the wacky parade attendees camping out all over the city. But after the year end that I'm planning to have I don't think I'd mind all that much.

Somethings Missing

Despite having all the things you think you need, have you ever felt a deep void that you couldn't quite place your finger on? That's how I feel right now. I don't know what it is. My motivation to move forward is sluggish. And I know I need to do this, that and the other and keep it moving but I just don't have that something driving me to do it. I come home and just about every day I feel that there is something I need that's missing but I don't know what it is. On the surface and on paper all looks well - house, car, job, friends, family, health, etc. I should be fine, textbook okay. However, I am not content. This is clearly something that I cannot buy, steal, or barter for, otherwise I'd have it already and this post wouldn't exist. I just have to keep asking myself what I need, what has been moved and what I can replace it with...I guess.
Somethings missing and I don't know how to fix it
Somethings missing and I don't know what it is...
when autumn comes, it doesn't ask
it just walks in where it left you last
you never know when it starts
until theres fog inside the glass around your summer heart (c) John Mayer

Crushed out

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxW9RyoCUsU&feature=related

and Don't Be Shy (two of my favorite songs)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-T2gb8-nFo

Went to see Goapele last night and she was wonderful (listen above). She looked fabulous, especially considering that she's a new mom. Every time I go out I people watch and analyze. Especially mating rituals. Last night was no exception. The Conga Room was filled with absolutely beautiful women, stunning, and just as many men, if not more. I watched these women, very likely single, walk back and forth, round and round, doing the mating dance, and vying to be seen. Yet, men hugged the walls, the stage where Slum Village performed, hell, each other, lol...and otherwise, just ...oggled. The only hooking up I saw was either from couples that came in together or women literally throwing themselves at men who looked disinterested. The current mating dance sucks. The only "men" making bold moves were lesbians dressed in mens clothing. And they were super aggressive! I thought I was going to have to box two of them for trying to get a little too friendly with me in that crowd. They were 50% of the reason I wore a scowl for most of the night - a smile might get misconstrued as an invitation. The other reason was because my feet hurt like hell from having stood up for so friggin long waiting in line to get in, waiting for two unknown hip hop acts to finish spitting on the mic, waiting and walking and waiting for Goapele to finally go on. And when she finally did, I finally smiled and relaxed and sighed, lol. She truly was great. However, her act was short and so was my demeanor once she left the stage. I couldn't help it. I'm old and surly now and that scene and that crowd was not my cup o'tea. Again I ask, where do all the grown folks hang out!? Like...28 and up? Someone like him? :) I won't be going back to anything where a rapper or hip hop act is performing. Thanks. I'm totally over it.
Here's video of Goapele performing last night (I was dancing. Sorry):

and here's us at Katsuya eating dinner

I'm drained

I must've hit the snooze button on my alarm clock about three times this morning. And then I arrive at work to find my OCD boss is nitpicking, again...and it's not even 8:30am!! If this is indicative of how my day is going to go, someone kill me now. Okay, okay, it's not all bad. I am wearing a very attractive champagne garnet dress that I found on sale at Ann Taylor, which perfectly matches my purple lipstick, and my pony tail is on hit this morning so all aint lost...yet. But aye dios mio, c'mon!! Can I catch a break? Sheesh.
I'm looking forward to Friday and not just because I'll be free from work for two days. Me and two of my pals have plans to paint the town and ever since Tuesday I've been trying to figure out what I'm going to wear when we do. It's been a little while since I've hung out so even though I still have a LOT of shit to do, I'm gung ho and I'm still going. My "inbox" will never be empty anyway. Everything will be right where I left it when I get back Saturday morning :).
Good morning.

Updates

So I got my sons geometry class changed and the insurance situation is looking better. Although, I'm still going to be out of a goo-gob of money for that out-of-network deductible. The good news is that after I pay this one doc I will have satisfied my out of network deductible so the other docs will be getting paid by my insurance company and not me. Whew! Then, after I got that news, my son's cell phone bill arrived in the mail for $167, lol. I was yelling so loud that he frantically closed the living room windows so the neighbors wouldn't hear me. Then I called the number that was listed all up and down his phone bill and realized that it wasn't actually his fault. Those gatdamn twin friends of his, Alex and Austin spent the night with us that night and I do recall them on the phone with Samantha for hours. However, had I known it was HIS phone I would've deaded that nonsense and not thought it was funny. I do admit to laughing at the time because they were singing Carl Thomas to that poor girl, lol. Dammit! If I'd only known!! Anyway, mumsie to the rescue yet again. She said she'd pay $100 of it. I apologized to Miles and gave him a stern warning to be more mindful next time.

Complaints and Blessings

Complaints
#1 – Obama’s Healthcare plan is looking better and better. How the hell am i gonna have PPO insurance where I've never ever had a problem seeing any doc i want, whenever i want, without approval and then i get a statement from my insurance saying "sorry, we aint paying. you have a ginormous deductible you have to satisfy first" THE HELL!!!?? I want my money back! I'm doing all i can not to scream, kick, holler and cry on fools. And the real kicker is, I saw this doc in july, got the "we aint payin" statement yesterday, and between July and yesterday i've seen two other docs who have yet to bill. :( I pray they are at least in-network.
can you pay mah billlls, canyoupay mah medical billllls...(c) destiny's chickens

#2 – Fuck the city! How come nobody ever explains that after you buy a house it's the TAXES that will whoop your ass year after year? how come? you sign a gabillion forms thinking your mortgage is one round number, you make sure youre not fucking w/ an ARM, your shit is FIXED... and then after you get nice and settled, the city wags its fat finger like "nuh-uhn...you gotta pay me your arm and both legs, too, bitch...every year" so now your nice lil round, affordable number rises exponentially and threatens to do you in.oh the humanity.

#3 – Why, fair Eastside??? Why must i fight every year with the schools? WHY!?!? If it's not one thing it's a dozen. this year, first it was the fucking book lady - we settled on me owing them bastids $80 for books we KNOW they have somewhere. now it's the geometry teacher. me: why don't you have math homework??my son: the whole class is ghetto and i'm the only person with a book. every day our teacher takes roll then he goes out to talk to Mr. Hamm in the hallway until the bell rings.me: @$#^$R*#%&*!( *goes to work, dials up school and leaves semi-scathing, vailed threats for the counselor to change his class by next week or else i'm coming up there every gatdamn day to harrass them...before going to the school board to harrass THEM.

Blessings
#1 – She who birthed meMy mama. Maaaaaan, she's awesome. I call her up and whine and she's opening her wallet and ready to hand me all of my daddy's social security money. and then i feel guilty and tell her "mama, no!" and she argues me down and tells me I'm "gone take it and that's the end of it!" and so i do.

#2 – Men *smhMy ex and his need to feel like a hero. he's a weird one, some would say typical in that he's reluctant to do anything unless he feels like a savior, big man, NEEDED. and whenever i need him to be, he is.

#3 - I’m finna be RIIICH(er), BITCH!!I am soooooo grateful that my job is giving out raises again. WOOOO HOOOOOOO *choke, cough ...OOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Me, Kanye, and Amber Rose :(

I posted this elsewhere but why not post it here as well?
So I had the craziest dream last night that while out shopping I ran into kanye west and amber rose 0_0 and amber was traipsing around the dressing room half nekkid and kanye was back there watching her do her thing, handing her clothes and stuff. Then his mama came out of another dressing room (may she RIP) and he was so happy to see her, smiling that big ass square-jawed smile of his. I was happy for him. Then mama west started scolding him about the vma's and I saw a lone tear roll from under his dark shades down his cheek and he hugged his mama tight. That's when amber busted out of the dressing room and almost hit mama west w/ the door. All she had covering her was a shirt held up to her boobs and kanye's mama gave her the ugliest expression and then looked at him like "who is this floosie? you know better." Then she split like "toodles!"
Why I was standing there watching this whole thing escapes me, lol. Why I dreamt about folks I don't know is the fault of all the idiots constantly talking abt this vma bullshit. Even the gatdamn president! ugh. Okay, the man was rude. And? He aint the first and he wont be the last rude person on earth. They act like he shot Taylor betwixt the eyes and ran off w/ her trophy.
And now they got me dreaming about the shit :(
Everybody needs to just get a life.

A.M. Ramblings

A lot weighing heavy on my mind. I just don't have the patience for anybody's bullshit these days and I have a feeling it's going to burn a few bridges, which won't be so bad actually. A couple of them should've been burned a long time ago to keep assholes from continually invading my space, lol.
I've got the future in plain view, no more ruts or roadblocks to deal with. I'm focused, man! I think this is a result of getting older; you've seen and heard it all before so you have no desire to entertain it any longer. The bullshit, that is. It's a blessing and a curse. Some days I wish I could go back to that whimsical, everything-is-novel time of my teens and twenties but then I realize I was just scratching the surface and there's so much more to life. So now I'm on a quest for that new shit. That new and improved shit. That grown and sexy shit (<-- this phrase cracks me up and I love it, lol)

Crock Pot Season is upon us!!!

September 22 marks the official beginning of autumn and the day that I dig out my trusty crock pot, clean it off and get it ready for some delicious fall cooking :) And this website:
http://crockpot365.blogspot.com/ will be my guide to all things hearty, delicious and edible. If you don't yet own a crock pot I highly recommend that you run out and buy one, stat. It's no fuss, no burn cooking that doesn't skimp on flavor. Just prepare your ingredients, dump them in the pot, turn it on and go. You can even leave it on while you sleep. Perfect for the person on the go (me!) or someone who just doesn't have the time or desire to slave over a hot stove in a kitchen for hours (me!!).
I'm also pulling out my big tub of autumn/Halloween decor around the same time. Last year I got a total of 3 trick or treaters, which was hugely disappointing, so I won't be going crazy again this year with the candy and what-not (watch kids flood my house in some twisted stroke of luck). I will, however, still be dressing up for Halloween. Not sure as what, yet but you can bet your last 5 that I will ;) My mother, at almost-61 years old still dresses up as well.

My Aint Big Fat

She's my grandmothers older sister and my mothers aunt, whose real name is Blanche but her sisters nicknamed her "Big Fat". She insisted that if any of her neices or nephews referred to her they made sure to include "aunt" or "ainty" or "aint" in their address. Aint Big Fat is 84 years old and showing signs of dementia but when I called her yesterday she remembered me and sounded delighted to hear from me. I'd called to ask her questions about our family's past for a family history project my son is doing. At first, her daughter, Janice didn't think she'd remember much but my questions seemed to wake her up. She sounded lively as she discussed my grandparent's meeting at a "big ballroom dance" back in the early 1940s in St. Louis when the Lindy Hop and the jitter bug was all the rage. She said that when they finally finished talking my grandmother asked my grandfather "You want me to get Audrey now?" And he looked at her embarrassed because that whole time he thought he had been talking to Audrey. Earlier that night he first tried to woo Audrey who had other things in mind, though and couldn't care less about him. But hardly anyone back then could tell my aint Audrey and my grandmother apart so she didn't hold it against him when he started coming by the house almost every day just to hear her sing and eventually gathered the nerve to ask her out. After that night at the dance he swore he never got them mixed up again. They got married and had 13 kids but raised a total of 16. Three of them they adopted since they kept running away from the foster home they lived in and were always found at my grandparents' house.
Ainty talked about my great grandparents and how her father always used to say that "Mama", his wife, taught him how to read. And that he couldn't remember his birthday but was sure it must've been in June because that was around "cotton chopping time." My great grandfather died when aint Big Fat was 13 and my great grandmother followed him two years later so aint "Sista", being the oldest, continued raising her and her siblings. There were eight of them.
Aint Big Fat spent 15 years working as a telephone operator at Goodwill Industries. She married uncle "Beasely" in 1944 and they had two daughters, Janice and Cathy.
We talked for roughly an hour and I got the impression that she didn't want to get off the phone because every time I tried to sign off and end the conversation she'd ask me how someone was doing, lol. So I told her that my mother and I would come and visit her soon and that seemed to cheer her up. I'll make sure and bring my tape recorder with me, too. She's the only one left that can tell these stories and I want to make sure I get them right later on when someone asks.

Ancestry.com

I'm working on a family tree with my son. We're listing names, dates of birth, dates of death, spouses, children, the whole nine, and it's been pretty exciting. Much more than I'd anticipated. However, of course, there are missing links that naturally make me sad, angry, curious about my family's past. I can only go as far back as my great grandparents on my mothers side (I suspect some of those before them were slaves, maybe. I know 1-2 were Native American and another was Dutch), and one of my great grandmothers on my fathers side. I do recall my dad telling me once before he passed away that his grandfather had worked at the Humble Steel mines and that's where we got our last name. Not sure whether that's true or not but I have no reason not to believe him. But then it makes me wonder, if this is true, whether he was working there voluntarily or forcefully, given the history of coal and steel mines at that time forcing thousands of black men to work under horrific, worst that slavery conditions to pay off bogus debt or for little pay. But I have no one to ask and it is bugging me a little bit. Now, on my mothers side my grandmothers sister is still alive, 80-something but still alive. Last I spoke to her she was very sharp but I've heard that her mind is deteriorating so I've got to move fast. She may be my last hope to learn of my family's past. Some of it, at least.
Anyway, ancestry.com is a great site and is chock full of information that I didn't already have handy (ie, dates of birth and death of my great grandmother). If you're sketchy on your history, or even if you think you aren't, I highly recommend you to put together a family tree for yourself, your kids, your family. You may be surprised what you learn. Plus, it's good to know where and who you come from ;)

My mother is an enabler

She's giving my cousin, who she raised along with me like my sister, a hard time because my cousin wants her 17 year old son to get a job. Since July, when he didn't graduate high school with his class, he's done nothing but loaf around and get high every day. Oh, and he also has a girlfriend 3-months pregnant with his child, meaning he'll be someones dad in 6 months to top it all off. I'm not understanding my mothers venom for my cousin, considering she didn't allow us to sit still long enough to even think about loafing. So today she called me with this very displeased tone, as if with every word she had to spit, talking about how my cousin needs to put her man out and quit giving her son such a hard time. Did I mention that he didn't even graduate high school and isn't trying to go to anybody's summer school so he can at least finish? Yeah, no, he didn't and isn't. He played football and got high for two years, truly defiant and disrespectful towards his mother the whole time. Yet that's her fault, not his. The whole conversation was pissing me off so bad that I ended up hanging up on my mother. She knows she's wrong. If the shoe were on the other foot...HELL, when the shoe WAS on the other foot she behaved 10x worse than my cousin is behaving. I don't see how wanting this boy to either get a job or finish school is so deplorable. "She's hurting his feelings!" What? I couldn't deal with it any longer so...I hung up :( And really, I'm not even sorry I did. She's dead fucking wrong and it offends my entire existence that she refuses to own up to it.

School Registration SUCKS!

I'm sitting here smelling like fried onions and wet pavement, hot, sweaty and clammy. Our registration time was scheduled for 8:30 this morning and when we got there at 8:15 the line was already rounding the curb. So before I parked I had Miles jump out to go stand in line. It was already 80 degrees outside and I was aggravated. I parked, grabbed the paperwork and my purse and began walking to where he was in line when all of a sudden he sees a friend of his and DECIDES TO GET OUT OF LINE TO GO GIVE HIM DAPS! I was furious, yelled for him to get back in line but it was too late and he was paralyzed with fear. The big dummy had let 8 kids in front of us and now we were back at the end of the line. I was HEAT-ED.
So there we stood, in the heat, sun beaming down hard on us like Moses in the desert, flies and little bugs drawn to our funk, nibbling at my legs and neck, annoying the hell out of me FOR 1 HOUR only to be told once we reached the front of the line that we couldn't register because there were overdue books checked out in his name. Why they didn't mail me a note telling me this back when they mailed me the registration paperwork is beyond me. Meanwhile, I'm missing work and getting funkier by the minute as well as annoyed just KNOWING that my boss is having a couple of baby cows. So we left the line and went to the book check out spot...only to find that there was yet another friggin line! Now, we went through this same crap last year; the book lady gave me much unnecessary attitude claiming that we owed over $100 for two books that I knew for certain had been turned in, but she pretty much called me a liar and sent me on my way, kid unregistered. I had to go home and dig up my receipt then head over to his jr. high school and have them print out a statement confirming that the books had been returned, and then I had to drive back to the book lady and slam the printout on the counter in her face. So I knew I was in for some more bullshit today. I think my eye was twitching when I finally made it the front of the line but I didn't huff or puff, I was quiet as a mouse, waiting to be acknowledged, trying to remain calm. But what does this retarded, four-eyed old woman do? She looks right over my head and asks the folks behind me what they need help with. I almost committed hari kari up in there. Are you kidding me? My composure was hanging on by a thread at this point so I sternly asserted myself and this goofy broad says that she didn't see me standing right there in front of her. Long story short, she gave me bullshit and told me, in so many words, to go tell someone who cares. So I went straight to the assistant principals office. What a beautiful, marvelous woman she is. Who knew!? She straightened everything out for us, probably sensing that I was about lose my mind (up in here, up in here). She even corrected his schedule, printed it out for us, instructed the book lady to let me register by only paying the $10 fine and making payment arrangements later unless the books showed up and my boys good name was cleared, whichever came first. I was so relieved but I knew I still had a few idiots to deal with because we still weren't done. And sure enough I ended up having to cuss someone out. The fat white lady at the Attendance window. She saw that Miles had his books already and his schedule out of registration order, and she flipped because the process was to turn in paperwork, take ID photo, get schedule, get clearance to get books, get books, and then get a locker and what not. We hadn't turned in the paperwork yet, which was the first step. So she takes his schedule, asks him how he got his books so soon, chastises him and then says he's not getting his schedule back until she see's that he's cleared to have it. Um, wrong answer, bitch. And that's when I officially lost it. I went off so hard on that woman and told her to either call the assistant principal right then and there, or give me his schedule back. She gave me his schedule back. Miles was embarrassed but I couldn't give a hot damn at that moment. I only wanted to be under some air conditioning. I didn't get to work until noon.

Flashback Therapy

The other day I was reading an article in a magazine about a relatively new type of therapy that doctors are using to treat patients with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). Patients are instructed to relive the moments that caused their PTSD with the belief that reliving these moments over and over again and out loud will cause them less stress with each recollection and eventually result in them getting over it. To kind of sum it up.
Two patients were profiled, both women, one a rape victim and the other a victim of long term psychological abuse by her husband. The therapist asked them to tell her what happened word for word - "then he pinned me down on the bed and started removing my clothes..." the rape victim sobbed while reliving her rape out loud. The first time she told the story her stress levels were extremely high. The second time she told it they'd gone down a bit, and the third time even more.
Of course, docs are divided on this form of therapy some saying it doesn't always work to heal an individual but in some instances can even exacerbate their symptoms. Like 70% of the patients who sought therapy after the Hurricane Katrina disaster. According to the article, only 20% of Katrina survivors benefitted from this form of treatment. But reading this made me think of my 3 hour episode last week where I relived a past relationship frame by frame while trying to fall asleep. I don't know what triggered those thoughts but I couldn't stop them from snowballing, one into the other, seemingly out of my control. The mind is a marvelous yet fragile thing. Now I'm wondering if that was my mind repairing itself, sort of like a self-healing ep. Does that make sense? Like the way a wound heals into a scab, the body's ability to repair itself. I'm intrigued and plan to do more research/reading on this. Thoughts?

P.S - the article did say that some people find solace and healing just by writing about their troubles or talking to close friends and family.