I've been snooping

As any good mother would. My son will be 15 this November. He checks himself out in the mirror often and is fixated with his newly formed muscles, body hair and bulkiness. He no longer has to be hunted down to take a shower and even wears cologne now. It has become clear to me that he is not doing all of these things that I've had to wrestle him down to do for years because he's suddenly wanting to look and smell nice. No, I can only assume that he's doing all of this for the benefit of others since his room remains a mess and he's only funky-fresh on the week days; weekends be damned. And since when has he cared that much about others? Who the hell is suddenly so special that he feels a bath is warranted? lol, mm hmm.
So last Friday he called me to pick him up from his schools football game. He sounded pretty happy so I assumed the team had won. Then, when I asked him where exactly on campus he was, he told me "I'm at the front gate... with Marina." Who the hell is Marina, I thought. I know 80% of his friends' names, male and female but I'd never heard of a Marina. Hm. I hopped in the car and called him to tell him to meet me in the parking lot instead, since the rest of the area was so crowded. After about 10 minutes, I saw him in my rearview mirror, walking to the car with the goofiest grin on his face. Almost immediately upon getting in his cell phone rang. It was Keelan.
My boy: Heyyyy Bro...Remember that thing I told you might happen, bro? Yeah... it almost happened, bro *grinning from ear to ear. The pitch of his voice went up on that last sentence.
That's when my antennae went up. I left the radio turned off and heard bits of their fragmented convo all the way home. He went into the house still talking to Keelan, and closed his bedroom door. But he wasn't whispering so I stood in the hall and listened. Because that's my job!
Turns out, this heffa Marina wanted to kiss my boy but he clammed up. She's a sophmore on the varsity cheerleading squad and can "make her body into a table!" *rolls eyes. Later that night, after I got distracted by my own phone and couldn't snoop any longer, he came into my bedroom to tell me how his night went. He was visibly still geeked, saying how he had everyone laughing hysterically at his jokes all night and how he was pretty much the man to be at that moment. Then I spotted a thin piece of thread around his wrist. "What's that?"
My boy: Oh, this? *lifting the bracelet with one finger, playing DUMB!
Me: Yes. What is that? *now noticing it was one of those braided thread bracelets girls make
My boy: Oh, Marina gave me this. *proceeds to change the subject.
As I listened to him go on and on about his fantastic night, Cathy Bates was inside my head yelling out "FOOOZball, is the debil! Little gaayles is the debil, Bobby!!"
Oh, dios mio.
THEN, yesterday I got an opportunity to check his text messages and I read a little bit about a rumor that Marina was mad at him for not kissing her (ol' fast ass! but it must be true because Samantha told him that) and Keelan telling him not to say anything but to just walk up to her the next time he sees her and "just KISS her, bro." This boy is trying to get my boy caught up in a harrassment case :( But what do I do? What do I say??? Thank goodness, my older nephew came over with my mom on Sunday and they stayed in the room chatting and playing video games. My mom said when she walked in there they yelled "GRANDMA! We're talking!! Don't turn that light on! Get out, grandma."
So now she's Watson to my Sherlock. We're on this gatdamn case! I'm waiting to find out if my nephew cracked and spilled the beans to my mama. Stay tuned.