Thursday, September 29, 2011

The Ball

Tomorrow my son is going to his first formal event, a ball, and he doesn't want to wear a jacket. Argh! His gripe is the shoulder pads. He says his shoulders are broad enough already, smh. Teenagers, I swear they'll drive you nuts if you let them. For homecoming he told me he just wants to wear a shirt, tie and vest with his slacks and I'm doing everything I can to ensure that he doesn't look ridiculous and that I like the pictures because thats oh so important to mother's - the pictures. We can look proudly at the pictures, at the extension of ourselves all decked out and on his way to a ball/homecoming/prom. Its a milestone, it's our only reward until they leave the nest and make something of themselves. The other night his girlfriend was apparently tripping on Facebook and he was distraught over it. I hated the idea of my child having his heart broken but I have to admit, I was more worried about him not having a date to all of these high school events. He's going to have his heart broken, regardless. That's par for the course. Thats life and I won't keep him from it. He's had girlfriends in the past so he knows what it's like to break up. But he's never been to a ball or prom and he HAS to have a date for these events, lol. for my pictures! :) I haven't told him this, of course. He thinks it's weird that I'm insisting that he get dressed here and not at his friends' house like he wants to, because I want to be a part of this, I want to take pictures. I'm just being a mom. I deserve my pictures, lol.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

C'est si bon, part deux

I don’t know a lick of French but I love singing “C’est si bon” by Eartha Kitt.  Well, I take that back, I do know a few words/phrases in French but not enough to understand everything that I’m saying whenever I sing that song.  The other day I was singing it, ad libs and all, in the car with my mom and son.  My mom joined in because she can appreciate the fun of singing in French, whether you know what you’re saying or not.  She used to love singing Lady Marmalade back in the day until she found out that what she was saying was kind of perverted, lol (“do you want to go to bed with me tonight?”).  But my teenage son was annoyed.  He thought we sounded like fools (we probably did) and could not appreciate the joy of the song or us butchering its lyrics. Tough luck for him, being a surly, kill-joy teenager, because we carried on with glee and enthusiasm despite his sighs and pleas of “Oh my GAWD! Stop!”  Sometimes it sucks being a teenager.  Anyway,  unlike my mom singing LaBelle’s perverted hit 70s tune, I know what C’est si bon means.  I downloaded the lyrics in English a while back after repeatedly playing it on my iPod, so I have at least a clue, lol.  It really is so good :)

here's the version my mom and I sang/sing ;)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2BTcSD-YYc&feature=related

here's her singing it live. Man, she was gorgeous!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5WVkl_f7_E

and here are the lyrics in English:

It's so good,
Just wandering around,
Arm in arm, arm in arm,
And Singing songs.
It's so good,
To whisper sweet words - ,
Little nothings,
But little nothing that can be
said again and again.
Seeing our love-struck expression
The passers-by in the street envy us.
It's so good,
To see shining in her eyes
A marvelous promise
That sends shivers up and down my spine.
They're so good
These little thrills
That are worth more than a million
It's so very, very good.
It's Good - Yes, It's good
The passers-by in the street -
Arm in arm, arm in arm -
Singing songs -
What a marvelous promise

Uummm - It's good.
I'm looking for a millionaire
With big Cadillac cars
Mink coats - jewels
As big as your fist - you know?

It's good
This little feeling -

Perhaps someone with a little yacht, no?
Aahhh it's good -
it's good - so good-
You know I'm waiting for
someone who can give me
plenty of loot.
Tonight? - Tomorrow?- Next Week?
Dosen't matter when.
Uummm - It's so good - so good
It will be very crazy, no?
It's very good!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

“One’s destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things” © Henry Miller


So here I am, and at this point in my life I think I know enough about living to spend the rest of my days being happy. I know what love is, I’ve experienced it in many forms and I’ve given it as well. I know what ignites my spirit and how to obtain that. I know who loves me and who doesn’t. I know who suits me and who doesn’t ;) I am content with who I am and who I am becoming and that, dear friends, is truly a blessing – to know. Not to wonder, not to guess, but to know within your heart. But knowing and doing are two separate things, lol. While I know what to do and full well who I am, that doesn’t mean that I always do what I should or that I don’t sometimes forget myself. I procrastinate, I sometimes lose focus and fall off the wagon, but ultimately I get back up and continue on in the direction that suits me. It’s not a race, after all. I’ll get there. *We’ll get there. We are moving slowly, as we should, actually. Last night’s dinner was the first in a long time. It was truly like starting over, which will be a bit challenging but necessary. After all we’ve been through, we needed a fresh start, with past sins erased and new lessons learned. Our whirlwind romance from 1992, about 20 years ago, is a blur. The feelings we felt then can hardly be recalled in their original form but they’re still there. A lot has happened since then but I do know now that he does love me and I love him.  And that is enough. I know that we are both human and both capable of making mistakes. It’s never too late and you’re never too old to enjoy and improve your lot in life.

“Love who loves you.” Now I finally understand what my grandmother meant by that. She didn’t mean that we should settle for unhappiness or force ourselves to do something that we don’t want to do, or love someone we don't want to love. She meant that we should appreciate and recognize who’s most important in our lives, to choose wisely, when we're ready to choose love and not chase after the trivial and meaningless, suffering. For the longest time, I was fighting with that sentiment because I didn’t understand it. But hindsight is truly 20/20. I have clarity now. I needed time to live (some more), learn (some more), compare and contrast, and space to roam and I spent the last three years doing that, in addition to all my 30+years of living and learning. I’m happy with where I have arrived.

Friday, September 16, 2011

More on how I'm feeling

405 Friday's :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2aNohMBC2Zo

I'm jamming on the one *tee hee hee
It's a 2 post kind of day :)

I totally crack myself up

Every once in a while I’ll have a senior moment, like trying to remember who slayed Goliath. I initially said Samson. Then a little while later I thought to myself “hmm. That’s not right…Samson was the long haired fellow in love with Delilah…” After a while, I stopped worrying about it and let it go.  Eventually, though, I realized that it was actually David who pummeled Goliath. But hey, I was close.  At least they’re both biblical characters and not totally unrelated. No harm, no foul, right?  Nobody’s perfect.  And that’s my tendency. I’ll run with whatever instantly comes to mind, even if I’m not entirely sure, and then when I think about it later and realize my error, I laugh at myself.  If I can, I correct the error and all is great! If not, oh well.  All will still be great.  I do whatever’s possible and move right along with life.  I just hope I don’t end up with Alzheimer’s disease when I’m around 80 or so.  The only possibly good thing about that might be that I’ll be blissfully unaware of whatever ugly memories that might otherwise plague me.
I was reading in a magazine that your mind state controls your destiny.  Great expectations yield great results (keep chugging on past those road blocks! And make sure to enjoy the trip!).  Optimism keeps us moving forward rather than to the nearest high-rise ledge. If you’re pessimistic you will never make progress in life simply because you’ll constantly be standing in your own way, unable to move forward and reach alternative realities. Can you imagine where we’d be if our ancestors stayed dwelling in their caves, afraid to live?  Back in Africa, hungry and dusty as hell, that’s where!  Thank God they ventured out on hope and faith and didn’t view anything as either good or bad.  It is what it is (my mothers’ all-time favorite saying) 
Anything is possible if you can imagine it so.  The mind is a powerful thing and hope and faith are strong motivators that are beneficial to your health and overall survival. It makes sense, right?  If you believe in a positive outcome you are more likely to do what’s necessary to make it so.  Like taking your vitamins, eating well, exercising, working harder, and saving more money – all of which are recipes for better health and prosperity, which in turn reduce stress and increase happiness.  And we should all know that a dose of happiness in the absence of brooding sadness can cure us of some of the worst maladies.  Of course, let’s not get crazy and be too overly optimistic though, having completely unrealistic expectations, like being able to actually fly ;) that’ll kill you.  So do everything within moderation and reason, folks.  Yes, we will all inevitably die but why waste time focusing on the end of your journey when there’s potentially so much wonderful road ahead?  Go forth and flourish!  Don’t be a cave man/woman dreaming of better days.  Try things, make mistakes, laugh at yourself, and try again.  That’s called living. 
Check out this inspiring article about laughter as a cure

And if you want more, read this:

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

I’m going to sew!


I ordered my sewing machine the other day so there is no more half-stepping allowed! I have to put it to use and not let it collect dust. But more importantly, I have to use it so that I don’t waste my money! I’m so excited. It’s going to be the main focus of my free time for the next few months. As soon as I get home from work I’m whipping it out (heh heh) and creating stuff. Or, at the very least, I will be learning from the mistakes that I will surely make. Ha! All of the ideas in my head are just screaming to come to life. “Make me!” they’re yelling. So I shall. I shall go forth and make stuff.

I had a great afternoon yesterday. Came home to a clean house, organized it some more for added peace of mind, watched two great episodes of G. Garvin (gosh, I love him) and Design Star (Meg totally deserved to win. I can’t wait to watch her show), colored in my sketches, downloaded some inspiration from the internet, and started a scrap book of ideas with magazine clippings. Tonight I have class but tomorrow I plan to continue my sketches and clippings and reading up on how to print them. This weekend I’ll be heading to Universal with my mom, my boy and Rhyann (hopefully) and then on Sunday, I’ll check out the fabric store for more ideas.
I realize that it’s going to take some work to repair things with The Ex. We’ve both done a lot of damage to each other but I think our bond was strong - strong enough to survive a few catastrophes. We’ll see. I’m moving patiently, hopeful, yet bracing myself for whatever the outcome may be. I’m fully aware of our past together and how it could very well shape our future. If anything, I’d like to at least be on good terms with him again. I’ll settle for that. I think he might be open to that.

December is the next great meteor shower and I aim to see this one. I totally spaced and missed the Perseids one in August when I returned from Costa Rica. But I’m going to catch the Geminids one, if I have to do it from my backyard alone. But the plan is to gather a few close loved ones for a home cooked meal and camaraderie and then sit outside somewhere that’s super dark (we may have to drive far out for this) and watch the meteors shoot by. The show is expected to begin around 9 or 10pm with approximately 50 meteors per hour. I’m going to have my wishes ready for wishing.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Done with Kermit


I’ve decided not to date anymore. The last 3 frogs I’ve had the displeasure of sharing time with were creeps and weirdo’s so, I’m calling it quits. Yeah, I’m good. It would have to be a REALLY REALLLLLLY cool and awesome guy for me to agree to another date. The guys I’ve been meeting are making my ex look like a dream boat in comparison! Smh. They are skeevy, and grimey, dumb and conniving. After my last date ordered a shit load of sushi, despite me telling him I was fine with just my two rolls, he put the bill in my face as if to say that I owe him. I mean, he literally held it up within inches of my face after I’d already acknowledged seeing the heart that our waitress had circled the total with (I’m sure she did it because we were clearly on a date and she works for tips). Anyway, I felt so uncomfortable. And throughout dinner whenever he wasn’t bragging about his lifestyle, he kept talking about “doing your homework” on a person and Googling them to get their personal information. That’s when I realized that he had my first and last name because of the stupid caller id on my cellphone and could easily look me up. Ugh. My freaking address was online (I’ve since requested to have it removed)! When the date ended, he wanted me to kiss him and I declined. I haven’t heard from him since, which was a week ago, and I haven’t called. I suspected during our conversation that he got turned off the minute that I told him I have a 16 year old son. The look on his face said it all. I certainly hope I’m right because I don’t want the hassle of telling him I’m not interested. He creeped me out and I don’t trust him. This whole ordeal reminded me of how much I enjoy being single, without the hassle and stress of another person invading your space. Maybe I’ll get a dog for companionship, lol. But seriously, I have been thinking about adopting a pit bull. I love those dogs and my boy does too.

Unfaithful

There are so many women who turn their heads and close their eyes while the man they’re devoted to shows them no devotion. He cheats, he wanders, he does not care as she does, he is faithless, cannot be counted on, should not be in possession of anyone’s heart because he is too careless. Yet these women make-believe they are safe and sound in his hands, the same hands that betray them, and would rip their hearts out as mindlessly as blinking. *She opts to play the Cinderella role even when her reality is stark and grave, naked and nowhere near secure. I saw the wickedness in his eyes when he ignored her call in favor of a conversation with me, a kiss from me and all of my attention at 3am. It was like a thrill passed over him knowing that he was being and could be, because she allowed him to be, callous with her heart. No remorse or guilt was visible, whatsoever. He had license to do whatever he chose. “She knows not to bother me,” he said over dinner. “She’s okay (with me cheating) as long as it’s not in her face.” So he chose not to consider her feelings. He acted like she had none. Now, he didn’t possess my heart in any capacity. I had no respect for him, no faith in his humanity, no desire to trade places with her. His flesh, for that moment, his attention for that time being, was my only concern where he was concerned. I pitied her. My guess is she stays because she wants love at any cost. She pretends that she is loved, that he is in her life because he loves her, unconditionally, as she does him. But there’s always a condition or ten with men like that. He stays because she loves him unconditionally. Who would so quickly dismiss their own personal idiot? She has a good job, she makes it possible for him to live the type of lifestyle he enjoys living, she is convenient, she makes things easy, she turns her head when he cheats and closes her eyes and pretends that he is devoted to her, while he stays out late with me. “She doesn’t have anybody out here but me. Her family aint here and she only has a couple of friends that she hangs out with every once in a while,” he told me. So she’s all his, to do with (or without) as he pleases. I guess she was sitting at home while he was having dinner with me.

Despite his many flaws and his lack of love and respect for her, she loves him, I presume. Or maybe she’s in love with the idea of him. She is extremely vulnerable, putting her faith in such a man. If what he told me was true.  He is a liar, after all. Although none of that was really my concern. It is men like him that make me burn the fairytales carved into my mind. I have no esteem for any man who lies for sport and cheats, like a snake slithering in low grass during the high noon, he is obvious and wicked. He is so arrogant that he doesn’t realize he is ridiculous and, more often than not, a target himself. He thinks he’s getting over, that only he knows what devilment he is up to. Sort of like a child playing a game of hide ‘n seek with his eyes closed yet he is standing in plain sight. Just because you cannot see me does not mean that you can’t be seen. Women know – the ones you’re cheating with, as well as the ones who turn their heads and close their eyes as you lie and cheat on them. We know. We’re just better at putting on the charade.  For our own sake, we pretend we are blind – I got what I wanted out of him, easily, and she’s getting to pretend that she is loved by him. That is, until the pain of his carelessness builds up and she snaps – out of her fairytale and on him. Then he’ll call her crazy. As if he is exempt from responsibility.
If I had a nickel for every attached man who approached me with a wolf ticket, I’d be rich…partly from selling him his own ticket.
I once indulged a cheating man out of boredom, lust, intrigue, and simply because I knew I could. I made no promises to anyone I didn’t know and was only true to myself. I haven’t done it since and I don’t plan to ever do it again. It wasn’t much fun. But I don’t regret it at all.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Just a few things...

Since I'm pecking away on an iPad.

Very relaxing day
No pressure, no stress, nowhere to rush off to or be, so I just rolled over, smiled up at the ceiling and took a deep... breath. Today I repurposed some things around the house, had a few eureka moments, made a batch of delicious deviled eggs so that my imitation crab meat wouldn't go bad, ate about 6 of said eggs, returned some shoes to Aldo in the mall, bought a new lipstick, had lunch in the food court, did some early Christmas shopping in the mall (as well as around the house, :D) and found my New Years Eve dress on sale For $15 - a metallic little Kenneth Cole number. Now I'm back home, watching the remains of the day sink down behind my neighbors' house, about to watch a movie.

He needs more than I can give
It's clear to me now that someone I know and care about is nowhere near strong enough to cope with difficulties on his own, and I'm nowhere near equipped to handle him on my own, what with my regular old human powers and such. He needs a super SUPER duper woman with the strength and courage of ten lionesses to handle his weight. It's more than I can bear and, although I used to think I could save him, I now realize that we'd both sink and I'd likely be the one to drown if I tried. He worries me a bit.

I can see the future and it's bright
But just last night I admit I was worried. I couldn't see anything but darkness. I'm no longer 21. I'm starting to look my age, even, lol. Well, actually, I'm just starting to no longer fight looking my age. I'm growing old gracefully and I still look good for a woman in her 30s. I lead a much better life now than I did when I was 21, that's for sure. My preferred social scene these days is a meal with good friends, going to see a play, calling my mom, a jazz concert in the park, game night at someones house, making ice cream with my ice cream maker, or chilling in my backyard with a good book or O magazine in the hammock. I'm happy living a slow-paced, artificial stimulant-free, simple life.

I had a talk with my ex last night. I think he's beginning not to hate me, which is good. It truly is a thin line.

I bought season passes to Universal Studios last month. I'm thinking about using them for the first time this month. We'll see.

Now that I've unplugged, I feel so much more productive and happy. The nonsense has been
eliminated.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Letting peace be my guide - Unplugging


Yesterday was my first truly stressful day since before my vacation began on July 29th. The day officially ended for me at 8pm, and by 9pm, I was in bed asleep. But, as with most highly stressful days, I didn’t sleep well last night. I had way too much on my mind so I was restless, tossing and turning, and hot. So, at around 5am rather than lie there and continue to struggle with sleeping (I actually woke up at 3am, but I tried to go back to sleep), I decided to get a jump start on my day. I put on a load of laundry, washed the dishes, took a shower, got dressed, made breakfast, paid a couple of bills, folded and put away some laundry, went to the gas station, drove my son to school, and made it to work ten minutes earlier than usual. This was in an effort to combat potential stress brought on by missing a few hours’ sleep, rushing to work, and panic about being unprepared for my day. Usually, on mornings when I wake up before 6:15am, I lie in bed and fret about lack of sleep and time escaping me. And that is always a bad start to a day. I get up groggy after having lost the fight with sleep, can’t find anything to wear so I end up looking like a vagabond as well as feeling like one, make it to work later than usual, and, inevitably, my boss rides every last nerve I have left, as he did yesterday. This time, though, I decided not to fight things and let peace be my guide. And to continue this peace, I’m unplugging myself from the internet for a while and decompressing. People online can be toxic, miserable, egotistical little trolls. If you say something like “the sky is blue, such a pretty day” you are guaranteed to receive angry backlash from a myriad of hateful people just looking for an argument and dying to insult you. They will insist that the sky is not blue, it is periwinkle, or gray, or turquoise, or that anyone who is concerned with the sky must be an idiot, and who in their right mind would think a blue sky is pretty anyway…etc., etc. It’s usually the women who do it the most, although many men are bitches, too. It means a lot to them to be able to get online and attempt to derail a person’s day, and they spend all day long trying to do it, day in and day out. It used to be that you could exchange ideas, learn and teach one another. But now it’s all high school and cliquish, and those who were miserable and insecure back then, are reliving their misery and insecurity on message boards all around the internet now. I encounter enough catty, insecure, bitches in my regular day-to-day that I don’t have to engage, I definitely don’t need to add more.

Then you have the nosey Alice Kravitz types who “befriend” you on that social networking site, only to nose and to boast and brag about their so-called lives, when most of their time is spent online boasting and bragging, which leads you to wonder just how much living they’re actually doing. Or who they think they’re fooling. Someone I know and hang out with from time to time is attached to her phone and that network. Her phone beeps every time someone says anything on that site, and she checks it each and every time. While hanging out with her, she is constantly checking and updating her status, apparently seeking validation and approval, and desperately needing attention. As if anyone truly cares. It’s pointless. Those who actually know and care for me can reach me without the help of that network. So, I am logging off, removing myself, and remaining blissfully unaware of whatever issues those people have going on. It’s neither important nor beneficial and I have more important things to concern myself with; I’m breaking bad habits and focusing on what makes me happiest.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

I’m Related to Mermaids

My cousin and her children have OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder, if you don’t know) and they don’t realize it. My cousin is a clean freak. Her apartment, children and body are immaculately clean. Good, in theory, right? Nobody likes the opposite of clean. However, her obsession with cleanliness is causing problems and she, her children, and my mother are in denial about it.
For instance, her daughter came to my house to visit me a few months back, sometime during spring break, and within two days she’d taken 6, 30 minute-long showers. A bit excessive, right? Here’s how she did it: she’d wake up in the morning and right after breakfast she’d take a long, luxurious shower. Then we’d leave the house and go to say, Target or the mall, and she’d come back to my house and take another shower. And then, right after dinner at around 7 or 8pm, she’d take yet another long shower. She’d repeat this pattern the following day. Over the course of two days, that was 6 showers at 30-40 minutes a piece. So, naturally, I was concerned since I own my home and have to pay my own water bill. But yeah, she won’t be coming back to visit until she gets her cleanliness issues rectified. Anyway, just the other day my mother calls me like she does every day, and her gossip for the day was how my cousins landlord had called her to complain about her water bill being too high. The first thing my cousin and my mother think is that my cousin’s nosey neighbor is “hating” on her and called the landlord to complain about my cousins oldest daughter, who is 25, moving back in. Um, that is ridiculous and I let my mother know that. Even though her neighbor is a fat, nosey, hating, busy body, logic would dictate that her water bill just might be too high, considering everyone in her family bathes all day and night for 30-40 minutes at a time like they’re part fish. And there are 4 people in that household – her and her three offspring. Well, my mother thinks I’m wrong. She thinks my cousin’s neighbor is blabbing to the landlord about her daughter moving back in. I think my mother and cousin just want to complain about my cousin’s neighbor. It’s pretty idiotic. Here you have a house full of mermaids and you think it’s odd that the landlord is calling to complain about too much water usage? Come on, now! So not only am I related to Mermaids, I have a couple of wacky hens on my family tree.
Oh, and my cousin also itches uncontrollably and complains that her skin is too dry. She’s taking some over-the-counter meds for it but refuses to entertain the idea that maybe, just maybe her skin is giving her problems because she has OCD and spends too much time bathing herself.