Anxiety, I has it. There is absolutely too much going on this month and too much on my mind. I just realized that our Vegas trip coincides with my sons finals week :(. Now I'm hoping and praying that his teachers allow him to take them early (like tomorrow or Wednesday) so that I dont lose upwards of $500 on this trip. And vacation is supposed to be stree-LESS. Psht! It doesnt help that I'm pms'ing a teensy bit, either. I'm up at 5am on my off day writing in a blog, for crying out loud. And I've been up since 3am. It seems that I worry about everything these days and it sucks. Somehow there are fleas in my backyard multiplying as I type this and I've no idea how to get rid of them. Google has been worthless in this regard. Plus, I'm afraid to go back there and even attempt to get rid of them, lest I become a meal to a thousand tiny vampires. Every little brush against my skin has me freaking out. OCD brushing and scratching, it's sick. It's what has me up at this insane hour on my off day. I was even dreaming about fleas. My son is in there sound asleep, and he will be until I wake him up at 10am. I wish I could still sleep lkke that. Being an adult is overrated. Being a single adult with no real or perceived parachute/safety net to hog the covers in bed with is also overrated. I think I'm finally ready to commit again. The trouble is finding someone worth it. Too many frogs and not nearly enough prince's. I've editted my KAM (Kameelah Assed List of SO requirements) to include strength. Confidence was already on there but I've realized that strength is major for me. I cannot be mentally stronger than my mate. Physically, maybe, but mentally, HELL no. If he has thin skin and a defeatist mentality, I wont be happy with him. No one can trust a wimp when times get hard and I need to be able to trust him. Wimps bail out, they don't persevere, they cannot be relied on. I am not a wimp. So, "No wimps" has made the top of my list. I'm already a mother to my son, I do not desire to be a mother to my man. And that right there eliminates many from my dating pool. Now, to be clear, when I say no wmps allowed I do not mean that I like assholes instead. Quite the contrary, I loathe assholes. What I mean is that I prefer kind, confident, unconditional strength. Not cocky, brash, dumb muscle heads. But he can be weak with me, of course :) Show his vulnerability, his humaness with me. Yep, thats what I need. Thats whats at the top of my list. Not money or looks, but strength. Alright, the sun is coming up. I'm going to try to get some zzz's before it's too late. My phone will be ringing by 9am, I'm sure.

The other day I attended a champagne party (pre-prom party) given by my good friend for her god daughter who is also her cousins daughter.  I believe the last time I saw this little girl, now 18, she was about 6 years old.  She still looked the same except she's taller, of course, and toting a pair of D cups.  She looked very much like a model and appeared very confident in her pink mini dress covered in jewels and with a silver organza ruffled train, posing like a diva.  My friend had her dress AND her shoes made and it was all quite the sight. When she walked out onto the pink carpet (the party was Barbie themed so there was a lot of pink) everyone went crazy snapping pictures and gawking.  And then, after about 20 straight minutes of picture taking, my friend turned to me and said "OMG! We forgot all about the little boy! Val, can you please go help him finish getting dressed?"  Of course I could and I was happy to.  Cute little boy, excited about his prom unlike my own boy, and he needed help with his bow tie and his boutineer.  When we were finished we both stood, me behind him, looking into the closet mirror smiling.  You had to be there, it was a pretty sweet moment.  Then we grabbed the corsage and headed outside while they played that Nikki Menage song ("I wish that I could have this moment for life..."), whatever it's called.
It was a great day in Gardena.  I couldn't believe how grown up all the kids looked.  Even squeaky voiced Dooter was tall and almost manly.  I hugged Kemarrea, with his big a**, and smiled at RoRo.  But what tripped me out was that it looked like these little boys were giving me googly eyes all day.  As I stood in line at the taco stand to get a couple of tacos, I watched RoRo, now a college freshman, walk over to some car parked across the street from the house. When he turned to walk back towards the house I'd turned my attention back to the taco man to place my order, so Ro didn't notice that I had noticed his new ride.  Probably a gift from Nana.  So he backed up and began a slower stroll away from the car and then hit the locks so the alarm would go off.  Lol, I looked up and he was staring at me.  And Dooter kept taking my picture.  His mom was going around telling everyone that her son was a photographer but I'm sure they didn't need a bunch of pictures of me.  So once all the hub-bub was over and most of the guests had left, there was just me, Kendrea, Tasha (the prom queens mom), Sherell, and Rachel left in the house talking about old times and discussing our plans for Kendrea's birthday in September.  As we were talking, Tasha's oldest son, now 23, walked in and sat down to talk with us.  At first I didn't recognize him.  He has a full beard now and stands about 5 foot 9 inches tall.  He mentioned something about wanting to go out with us and Rachel and Kendrea said something about cougars being at our hang outs, trying to discourage him from wanting to go.  I laughed right along and agreed that he wasn't "ready for no cougar," and that's when he pounced.  I was so not ready.  He scooted to the edge of his seat real quick, shot me a pair of bedroom eyes and asked me directly "what makes you think I'm not ready?"  I know that look so I started to stammer, caught completely off-guard.  He was trying to challenge me! He got up and walked over to me, extended his hand and said "don't you remember me?"  Puzzled and embarrassed, I shook his hand and he held on to mine.  Then Kendrea said "Val, that's RaeShawn, Tasha's son."
"OoooH, yeah!" I said, uncomfortable as hell.  "I can't believe how everyone has grown, wow!"
Meanwhile, he's still holding my hand, Tasha is looking bewildered and Rachel is cracking up laughing.  Then this kid says "So why don't you think I'm ready? I promise you I am," looking dead at me with all the confidence in the world, which, I have to admit was very sexy.  However, he still looked every bit of his age even with all that facial hair.  There is no way in this world I would entertain that child but I hate to admit he damn sure entertained me!
But bold, right!?  I asked him how old he was and then I told him "You're not ready because you haven't lived yet.  You don't want a cougar."  He wasn't quite convinced but I think the expression on my face made him finally release my hand. Then someone said "Yeah, you get with a cougar and you'll end up on Love Addiction, lol." Which is also true ;)
At that moment a bunch of people came in from outside and were talking about racing home to beat the Staples Center traffic, which was my cue to leave.  I got up and began hugging all of my girl's goodbye and RaeShawn rushed across the room to me smiling with his arms outstretched for a hug.  I laughed and hugged him and Tasha said "Alright now, y'all old broads better leave my son alone," laughing.  A mess.
So that is what I missed when I moved out here to Pasadena.  Kids grew up, more babies were born, folks got fat, and Andrea, Kendrea's mom, still loves me :)  

Looking out for numero uno

This morning I had to have a talk with my son.  I see in him a trait that I learned too late in life to reign in – the need to save everyone but myself.  Over the past two weeks he has been taking care of everyone but himself.  For instance, he played cupid and hooked up two of his best friends and now they are a couple who wants to come to my house and hang out all day and night snuggled up in each other’s arms on my couch.  Meanwhile, my son had studying and chores and other important things to do but he was too busy playing hostess and chaperone to them.  I had planned to spend the afternoon walking around in my drawls and then I wanted to take us out to dinner last night because I didn’t feel like cooking.  I told him this via text message, lol (the dinner part, not the drawls thing), and he assured me that his friends would be leaving soon.  So I waited in my bedroom.  An hour passed and my stomach was flipping and flopping, just outright having a tantrum, so I texted him again and said “do you just want to order a pizza for all of us?” but he insisted that his friends had eaten already and would be leaving soon.  ANOTHER hour passed and I was losing patience so I walked into the kitchen to fix myself a snack.  On the way, I peeked into the living room and saw my son sitting in the chair watching television while his friends were snuggled up together on my couch.  They did not appear to be leaving soon.  Ugh.  I took my yogurt back to my bedroom to brood.  By 8pm my shows were on and I damn sure didn’t want to leave the house but I was determined to eat something that my hands did not prepare so, after about 5 or 6 more text messages, I gave up and went to Carl’s Jr.  “Where are you going, mom?” he asked me as I grabbed my keys and was heading out the door. “I’ll be back,” I said, and split.  Those damn love bird friends of his didn’t leave until 9:30pm when my son and his guy friend walked his girl friend home.  Then he texts me from her house “Hey mom, Kayla’s mom hasn’t met Khyron yet so she’s making us food and wants to talk to him for a while.”  Exasperated, I told him that he’d better be home by 10:30 and not a minute later.  I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer so I fell asleep, but at 10:30 on the nose my son came to wake me up to ask me if Khyron could spend the night.  His grandmother promised to pick them both up in the morning and take them to school.  Fine.  I like Grandma Betty and Khyron, and I’m sure poor Grandma Betty didn’t feel like climbing out of her bed either, to come and pick Khyron up at 10:30.  But then, at 1:30am, I woke up and saw lights on in the living room.  “Khryon wanted to talk,” Miles told me.  “If you don’t take your butt to bed…!” I yelled. “Y’all have to be at school in 6 hours.”  Meanwhile, my sleep rhythm was all off and I was irritable.  Then, at 4am I had to pee and noticed that the TV was on in the living room.  Khryon had it on mute but the flashing light was still a bother.  Is this kid afraid of the dark? I wondered.  I turned off the tube on my way back from the bathroom and crawled back into bed with a million thoughts on my mind, and with every intention to have a talk with my son about his responsibility to himself.  Dios mio, what a night.  The only reason I didn’t flip all the way out is because the test he needs to study for is tomorrow and he did a bit of studying the day before yesterday (prior to having his friends over) and can do more tonight.  But this morning I told him that he’s going to have to put everyone else on the backburner until school is out and move himself to the forefront.  No more of this fixing people up like he’s Chuck Woolery.  I want my house back and I want my son to take better care of himself.  And I want the option to walk around in my drawls, an old oversized t-shirt, and some mismatched socks.

Rambling

I want an Ahi tuna salad from Louise’s Trattoria. It’s drizzling outside, gloomy and cold, just the way I like it and I’m happy. I got rid of some dead weight recently and now I feel so much lighter. Removing negativity from my life was a fantastic move. It’s added fuel to my glee. I can’t imagine anything better than not having your thoughts interrupted with malice. I don’t know why I didn’t do this sooner (yes, I do, I’m too forgiving). Anyway, I’m much more inspired and productive today. I’ve been jotting down ideas in my little red “create” booklet all morning. Pinterest really has my inspirational juices flowing. Oh, I forgot to mention that I reupholstered my ottoman in a gorgeous Ikat fabric! I am really truly proud of the job I did, too (see pics below). Last night I spent 4.75 hours on the phone with a friend I hadn’t spoken to in a while. It’s weird, we didn’t fall out or anything, we just couldn’t find the time to chat, kept playing phone tag and email tag, and then we forgot we were playing any games at all. She has four children ranging in age from 3 to 17, in school and after-school activities, she’s in school herself, works full time, is trying to build a party planning business, and has a great boyfriend. So it’s no wonder she never had much time. Me, well, I’ve been all over the place, here and there, living in my head, taking classes, working full time, and maintaining a to-do list a mile long. Speaking of which, my garden is coming along nicely and I’ve started building a bed swing. So my friend and I talked, and talked, and talked and laughed, and laughed, and made plans to get together around the 19th for her cousins party she’s planning which will be after my nieces graduation from her master’s program. It was really nice reconnecting with someone genuine, who knows me, understands me, and appreciates me. We had our rocky road but we’ve always managed to get over it quickly and unscathed. We’re planning a trip to the Sugar Factory in Vegas for her birthday this year. Either there or to Paradise Cove in San Diego. We’ve been friends since our children attended pre-school together about 14 years ago. So after almost 7 months apart, we had a lot to discuss.

OTTOMAN BEFORE:

 OTTOMAN AFTER: