I feel really good today and I need this to last. I had a surprisingly good weekend. It started with me feeling hum drum, of course, and ended with me laughing hysterically at Mr. Ed Choppers and feeling hopeful about the artist guy. To make a long story short, a friend of mines came to visit on Saturday from San Diego and she convinced me not to give up on him. She asked me what I had to lose and told me that the potential reward would be well worth the small risk. So I gave it some and the following morning I sent him a private message on Facebook. I simply said “Hi,” and that was it. Not much risk, not much to read into, nothing harmful or incriminating, nothing foul. Just “hi”. Then I left the house with another friend of mines, her brother, and his girlfriend and went to the Beverly Hills Hilton to chill and drink by the pool. They had wifi at the hotel and I just so happened to have my iPad with me. So six hours after my morning message to him, he responded with “Hey, how are you?”

And, yes, that was enough to send endorphins shooting to my brain like fireworks, the likes of which have not worn off yet as I sit here at work today, on the worst day of the week – Monday. I’m sucking each and every one of these happy little morsels up before I inevitably crash and go back into hum drum mode. So last night before I went to bed, I responded to his message with “I'm good, thank you. I was wondering if you'd like to go with me to see the graffiti exhibit at MOCA...if you haven't seen it already?

I hope he doesn’t think I’m being too forward, and he doesn’t read too much into that and make a mountain out of a molehill. The way I see it, we can meet there, go dutch, and walk around talking about the exhibit and getting to know each other. Easy peasy, right? No pressure. I’d like to think that he responded to me because he didn’t find me unattractive. I want to think that if he thought I was a hideous, pesky, Alice the Goon-type that he would have simply ignored my simple “hi” to him and not responded at all. But I can never tell for sure. Men, I am coming to understand, are as complex as a Rubik’s Cube. I never could figure that thing out and gave up trying a long time ago. Anyway, I am currently preparing for the worst while hoping for the best. The pessimist in me and my previous experience with similar situations says that nothing good will come of this. So I’ll just fantasize and be happy until I receive confirmation that I’ve been rejected.

On Sunday I went to the Beverly Hilton to hang out by the pool with my girlfriend/Mr. EC and her brother and sister-in-law-to-be. We had a fantastic time drinking mojito’s laughing and talking and enjoying the nice weather. Mr. EC kept spiking her drink with vodka and trying to spike everyone else's. Then, on our way home, we were forced to pull over so that her drunken ass could pee in the street in Beverly Hills in broad daylight! It was crazy. And as you can probably imagine she was a ton of fun on the way home.

Oh! And remember Trumpet Guy? Well I ran into him on Saturday while I was out dancing with two friends. He came up behind me and grabbed my hand. When I saw it was him, I slipped it away and stood there a bit shocked. Then he planted himself right next to us on the dancefloor, looking odd and out of place. He was wearing what looked like his grandfathers’ suit, which was too big and quite goofy looking. I continued to ignore him and hoped that he would go away because he was making me uncomfortable, so then he began talking to one of my friends, as if he was trying to get with her – and make me jealous. Ugh. I wasn’t jealous but I was annoyed, so he succeeded in partly ruining my night. Right before we left, his fraternal twin brother grabbed me, put his hand on my waist, and asked me why I was being so difficult, suggesting that I should go talk to his brother. Before I could finish telling him to tell his brother to go to hell, my girlfriend who’d come to visit from San Diego grabbed my hand and dragged me away. We went to the ladies room and when we came out his brother was standing by the entrance/exit looking sort of nervous, like he wanted to finish our conversation, but me and the girls scurried out of there and didn’t look back. Trumpet guy was another of the really confusing experiences that I’ve had with men since being single again. He seemed really, REALLY into me, even going so far as blushing and kneeling in front of me as I sat, telling me that he's never "dated a girl as pretty" as me, staring and smiling as he watched me and my friend drive away, asking me to attend his next show, AND THEN singling me out in the crowd of women by saying into the microphone "YOU CAME!" and then hopping down off the stage to hug me and talk to me. But that same night he seemed to be juggling a few other women, he snuck out without saying 'goodbye' to me, and then when he called me at 3am that morning he left a voicemail about getting together at my house. That would've been our first official date had it occurred but I wasn't interested in hosting him in my home so soon so I politely declined. After that, he never returned my calls and the next time I saw him on the street he was giggling and pointing at me with his brother. Then I ran into him again at the Grammy Nominations party at L.A. Live and, despite me ignoring him and practically running to get away from him, I kept finding him standing next to me and he even showed up in the background of 3 of my pictures that night. What the fuck? I met him three years ago and I still don't get it. There's more but it's equally nuts and a long(er) post/story. In a nutshell, dude is an asshole.

Honestly (bonus post)

As irritable as I feel right now due to lack of sleep, I think going out last night was sort of what I needed to get over my malaise. And today being Friday helps too. Oh, and I’m no longer pms’ing so that’s a bonus. My friend wants me to go out with her again tonight but that’s not likely going to happen. I’m over it. I’m getting too old for this shit, honestly. She told me we were going to a “chill lounge” last night, which turned out to be a lie. We ended up at a busted, hole in the wall club in North Hollywood because she’s trying to get with a young promoter guy. “We’ll be home by midnight,” she promised, which was another lie because there we were, still at the club at midnight on a Thursday listening to “Girls dem sugar” and Danity Kane while her promoter friend stood outside waiting for his crew to arrive. He came upstairs to check on us exactly once, so she and I talked all night and I ended up getting into my bed at 1am on the nose. Now I’m functioning on 5 hours sleep with burning eyes and traces of mascara dried onto my lashes, hoping the day flies by and my workload doesn’t increase. But I’m glad it’s Friday and I’m thankful for getting out and escaping the confines of my cottage home and my brooding mind. The fresh air did me good. I am now over island boy and the ego bruise I incurred from the artist guy. :) What a difference a day/night makes.

I have a black thumb

I love plants and flowers, I truly do, but I can’t seem to pay them the attention they need to survive in my garden. And I want a pretty garden so badly. This really saddens me and has actually caused me to have a couple of nightmares, complete with tossing and turning. I murdered a small tree, recently. Yup, it’s brown now and I keep watering it hoping that it will miraculously spring back to life. Like maybe it’s circling the drain but we haven’t hit the point of no return yet. In my dreams I am distraught over this tree so I rush outside with my shovel and dig a hole to plant the tree in so that maybe its roots won’t rot and it will grow. I don’t actually do this when I wake up but I remain hopeful for a comeback, looking for signs of life almost every day. The other day I moved it out of the beaming sun a bit by pushing the container with my foot, and I accidentally made contact with one of its limbs and it snapped right off :(. Why!? What’s wrong with me!? Why must I have wicked thumbs? Plants and flowers are so beautiful…until I get them and neglect them. I’ve even killed huge sections of my lawn. I was trying to get rid of weeds a while back and I didn’t read the label on the weed killer spray. It said “Do not use on St. Augustine grass,” which is what I have. So now there is a huge section of my backyard that is brown and partly dirt. Then, about a month ago, I had my son turn on the sprinklers and pop in the latest Netflix movie. How about we watched the entire movie, ate dinner, went to bed and woke up the next morning with the sprinklers still going! I am ashamed of myself. I’d hire a gardener but I can’t really afford to. Maybe I’ll look into at least getting a timer for my sprinklers.

Somethings missing

And I don’t know what it is © John Mayer. Huge sigh. Sometimes I think that it must be love, but then I realize that I have plenty of that. So then I figure it must just be romance that’s absent from my life, but then all these frogs and toads must count for something, right? So maybe it’s romantic love that I yearn for. If it’s not that, then maybe it’s boredom. Or maybe I just need a vacation. I’m not satisfied with things and every morning I wake up feeling like it’s too soon, like I wasted my precious night away with worry and I need more time to catch up on making things right, on feeling better. But I have to get up and go to work and do the same tired routine I do every day. Last night I was on the phone with a guy I know I don’t particularly care for, giving him a shot to change my mind. No dice. He’s lost as hell and wholly content about it. Talking about he doesn’t like art (huh? How can that be? O_o), and he doesn’t like jazz (what?!) and he’s afraid of flying, and his idea of a great evening is sitting in front of the television set, and if we were to get married I would have to switch to his church because God said that a man leads a woman to church. It's in the Bible. And he believes in God because there's just too much water on Earth, etc. His rationale was awe inspiring. Yes, I’ve hit a new low. Oh, and then he argued with me that a spirit is not the same thing as a ghost, which he called “ghostses.” He believes in spirits but he does not believe in "ghostses." I made him Google it and read the definition aloud. His mind is so tightly closed and full of idiocy, I don’t know if I can keep up this charade. So while he spent the hour plus on the phone trying to change my mind, telling me how great a guy he is, pushing and pulling me to see things his way, I spent the entire time being combative, trying to show him the error of his ways. When I hung up I was exhausted and felt like a chunk of my life had gone missing. This is not what I want. I think I know what I want but it’s just not coming to me, it’s not being cooperative, it’s being elusive and nonchalant and making me want to scream. How many damn frogs must I endure!? While I’m waiting for that answer to be revealed to me, I shuffle on, go to work every day, come home to my other job as mom and Head of Household, find an hour or two for my hobbies and then a little dream indulgence, and steady making plans for the future.

As an aside, I opened my email this morning and learned that I now have “a total of one fan” on Yelp.com, lol. I laughed and said out loud “whoa.” Somebody likes my crazy reviews. Go figure. It is a teensy bit inspiring though…as long as I don’t read too much into it.

When will you call?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mhjAbZtcRw

Few things, part deux

- Lenny was a bit of a disappointment. He came out on stage at about 10 minutes to 7pm and announced that he wasn’t going to play any instruments other than a tambourine, while he sat on a stool. He sang about 5 songs and turned the normally upbeat ones into ballads, then he split and waved goodbye with that million dollar smile of his. We were downstairs having sushi at Katsuya by 8pm. But I can’t complain. It wasn’t a bad way to spend a Wednesday evening. I’m usually at home at that time watching TV while eating dinner.

- I wasn’t fair to Daniel. He does have many attributes that I like. It’s just that I don’t want to like him, lol. He lives in Nevada, he has a girlfriend, and he does have some attributes that I don’t like, which are somewhat minor and can be worked around and overcome, but they are con’s, nonetheless. There, I said it. Oh, what do I like about him? His penchant for chivalry; he’s very gentlemanly, his smile, his physique, his openness and sense of humor, his culinary skills :), his determination and work ethic, and how easily it is for me to make him blush. Okay, enough of this mush. I need to move on.

- I finally went to see Kung Fu Panda 2 the other day. No, I didn’t have a child accompanying me! I went by myself since my teenage son had already seen it with his friends. Yes, I’m grown but every once in a while I need an escape from all this grown-up business and seriousness, I need to reconnect with my softer side, and what better way to do that than to go see a cute, cuddly, fat ass, kung-fu fighting, kick ass panda voiced by Jack Black? Some people have anime and video games and macramé, I have Po. So anyway, I went to see Po kick some more evil ass all throughout China and listen to the many heart-warming and one-to-grow-on messages from Master Shifu, and I wasn’t disappointed at all. I left the movie theater smiling and took the escalator down to the mall’s food court where I ironically found myself ordering a two item plate from Panda Express. I didn’t make the connection until I opened my fortune cookie and read: "You will be happy soon but first you must…" and I don’t remember the rest!! And it was GREAT! :( I put the little slip of fortune in my wallet and now I can’t find it :( I’m going to look around my bedroom for it when I get home.

So...whats it going to be??!

Have you ever felt like just taking it back to the good old days of elementary school and asking the object of your desire to quit goofing around with your emotions and check ‘yes’ ‘no’ or ‘maybe’ already? That is exactly how I feel today. I feel like saying “look, dammit, pick one! Okay?” However, I am a chicken-shit and will do no such thing. I'll just dedicate this oldie but goodie from my elementary school days to his oblivious ass:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPAaWPcKoYI

My toenails are painted turquoise blue. Looking down at them just now as I sat on my bathroom toilet made me smile. Yes, they’re pretty funky-looking and damn cute, but my smile was mostly because there was once a time in my life when I couldn't express myself in this way. If I sang, I was told to shut up. If I painted my nails I was given the silent treatment for at least a month. Sooner or later an argument ensued. He claimed that he preferred my nails bare. Never mind what I preferred. Now that I'm gone, living on my own and away from him is worth more than all the tea in China. I'm happy. I told Daniel this the other night when he called me – that I’m happy with my life and wouldn’t trade it for all the tea in China. He was quiet. I guess he didn’t know what to say. This was during our 1.5 hour conversation where he kept dropping subliminal messages about us having a baby together, being a good father, and him not wanting to perform oral sex, among other less significant things. After I hung up I realized that he is not at all what I want for a partner. The conversation wasn't bad; it just made me see that he is absolutely clueless when it comes to women. Or perhaps just when it comes to extraordinary ol’ me J. And this isn’t in regards to performing oral sex, either. I suspect that he gets advice about his love life from his old-school Jamaican mother who still lives in the same shack that he grew up in, in Jamaica. He told me that, while discussing the recent fall of a family friend with his mother, he told her “As long as his dick still works, he’s okay. HAHAHA! Because when your dick don’t work you have to use your tongue.” Then he paused for affect. I remained silent. This was obviously in reference to a prior conversation we had where I asked if he’d ever performed oral sex before and if it was a cultural taboo. He hadn’t. Although he said he tried to once, but to no avail. I suspect that his mother told him that little antidote about inoperable dicks. If I were a mean-spirited person I would’ve replied to him “but your dick don’t work, so…” But I’m not nearly that evil.

My ex showed me what I no longer want in a partner. Daniel doesn’t seem to understand that. He thinks all women are the same – highly emotional, all want a man to marry them and rescue them, tell them what to do, etc. etc. every stereotypical thing you can think of. We’re all damsels in distress, let him tell it. He also thinks sex is 100% cerebral for both men and women. I laughed politely and disagreed with him. So he asked me if I was ever able to have sex with my ex while my mind was elsewhere. "Of course I have.” I told him, “many times.” He seemed confused. “But didn't it hurt? Weren’t you dry?" he asked. For some reason he believes that the body won't react and do what's it’s meant to do when sexually stimulated. How he made it through 33 years of life and 2 children with this idea in his head is a mystery to me. I assured him that even rape victims get wet (not that my ex ever raped me. He didn't).

It's already been established that Daniel is not the exception, but now I don't even think he'll do as Mr. Right Now. And it’s not because he’s green. No, he has the ability to learn. It’s because I suspect that he's trying to groom me for a harem, he hints about us having babies together (I’d have to love and trust him for that and I don’t), he lies transparently, saying he’s in currently New York, for instance, and then halfway through our conversation he’s telling me a story about when he was in New York. Since we’re only friends and we live so far apart, there really is no need for him to lie to me. I’ve told him this, yet he continues to lie and lie and lie. He also has this insatiable need to be right, to be my teacher, to be smarter and wiser than me when he's not. I generally like teachers… when you can actually teach me something. I'll give credit when it's due but he deserves no credit. He still has a lot to learn. I told him that he sounds like some old decrepit Rasta man preaching to the wind (“when ya dick don’t work, ya haffa use ya mouth” and other random bullshit). Oh, and did I forget to mention that I suspect that he has a girlfriend? Yeah, I have good reason to believe that.

His ego is a bit too large, maybe he's just delusional? He strikes me as an opportunist and is a tight wad, too. I suppose after having grown up dirt poor in Jamaica he’d be a miser. He told me that his mother used to cook their meals outside with charcoal on a pit she fashioned herself. He just bought her a stove recently. Again, our conversation on Friday was cool and everything, don’t get me wrong. It killed an otherwise boring evening. It wasn’t until later when I replayed parts of it in my head and added them all together that I realized I don’t particularly like him. Despite everything, it was the way he ended the call that sent my smile south and kept it there. He was arrogant, which I don’t like at all.

It’s important that my partner be a true partner. Not someone I am subordinate to, but someone who provides me with the same level of respect and consideration that I give them. After all, if we’re both able to live our lives happily and independent of the other, why would we agree to an unequal relationship? I’d sooner be alone. Take care of me and I will take care of you. I believe that Daniel has come into my life to remind me of what I don’t want. So I told my girlfriend, Mr. Ed Choppers, how I felt and she thinks that I should sit tight and not say anything to him because he’s giving me attention. I don’t agree. Why sit around wasting my time? We’re not a match. He’s not my plus one. He doesn’t even seem to know what partnership means. But me being me, I’ve decided that it won’t hurt to give him a chance since I still don’t know him all that well. Plus, he’s a decent cure for boring evenings. In the meantime, I’m looking for other options. Island boy has been stamped with an expiration date.

Are you gonna go my way?

*SCREAMS!! Tonight I am going to a private performance by one of the sexiest men in music – Roxi Roker’s baby boy, Lisa Bonet’s baby daddy…Lenny Kravitz!! My ex’s sister, who just recently took me to see Earth Wind and Fire in concert, called me up on Monday night and asked me if I like Lenny. Uh, duh! Who doesn’t? So she offered me free tickets to a private performance hosted by a local radio station. The ex’s sister wins everything. I’m serious, all you have to do is tell her that you want tickets to something and there’s a 90% chance that she will win them for you. Once, she won the opportunity to win a car for her sister. So they both went down to the radio station for the key drawing and lo and behold, her sister drew the key that started the ignition. And they drove away in a brand new, fully loaded, fully paid for, Ford Mustang. When I was 22 she won me tickets to see Lauryn Hill in concert in New York, all expenses paid. So tonight I’m putting on a sexy dress, my stilettos, and some ruby red lipstick, and going to see Lenny shake his groin, bite his lip, and rock the fuck out. I’m geeked. I hope they allow picture taking.

Is that picture of Lenny cooking not the sexiest thing you ever did see? There is nothing more titillating than a fine man cooking...shirtless..and fit *swoon

I'm bored out of my wits

I haven't been this bored and antsy and lazy in...a very long time. I have nothing worthwhile to do and it's killing me. Plus, I'm hungry but don't feel like cooking. It's Friday, for crying out loud! I'm beginning to feel desperate. I might contact some folks I don't usually reach out to. I can't find any of my regular partners in crime. Ugh. I'm about to pull my hair out.

My love letter

I remember saying to myself "I could love him." And I meant it, I was convinced of it. And I did, I loved you. I found myself out in the rain one day looking for something that I promised to give you, and it occurred to me then that I was out in the rain, going out of my way to fulfill a promise I had made to you. I don’t know many people I would’ve done the same for. And now that I think of it, I can recall at least 3 other times I found myself in the rain with you and for you. We kissed in the rain once and I didn’t care about getting wet or my hair frizzing up, lol. I ran in the misty rain once after hugging you goodbye and returning to my car. And I drove home in the rain from your house one night, sad, still loving you. I never told you that I loved you but I think you know I did.

You won me over with your persistence and insistence that you loved me and that you were, indeed, The One I had been looking for. For a time, you were. The beginning was great, everything I could’ve hoped for. Beginnings are usually damn good, aren’t they? It’s the beginning when we are most excited, nervous, and anxious, our happiest and our scariest. The middle is what counts, where our memories are built. And endings are usually sad. When we finally ended and I got the call that the keys to my new home were ready to be picked up, I cried hard. Instead of being happy and excited about my new beginning, I mourned the end of us while driving on the freeway towards home. I couldn’t find the hope in my new beginning. I was afraid. And I didn’t want to remember you this way but you gave me no choice. Even though I spent many years preparing myself for the moment when I would have the strength to leave, I still wasn’t prepared. It still took me another 2 years to fully get over the end of us.

From the moment you came into being, I loved you. Everything about you, the thought of you, the way you felt, and how much you reminded me of myself. I loved it all and I still do. You are my sunshine, my dearest comrade. You’ve made me stronger, wiser, and happier each day since we met, and I can’t imagine living life without you. No one can take your place in my heart. I pray that no matter who enters our lives, what we go through over the years, and how we much grow and change, that we remain as close as we are today, always.

No matter how much you prepare me, I would be lost without you. I love you more than words can say. You are my best friend, you know me better than anyone, and I trust you with my life. You made me who I am today and I will forever be grateful.

Love,
Sappy ol' me

No motivation

I haven't felt like doing anything lately. I'm even too lazy to fire up my PC so that I can type this entry right. I'm pecking away on an iPad. My job is killing me and I just wish I could retire already and spend my days refurbishing furniture and other odds and ends, remodeling my house, creating a container garden with homemade pottery, reading, writing, and traveling. I don't want to sit at a desk for eight hours a day anymore. I come home exhausted from sitting. That makes absolutely no gatdamn sense, lol. And its making me fat! This past weekend I did nothing but Zumba for about 30 minutes, watch television, surf the net, and power walk around my neighborhood. Oh, and I cleaned up a little and did two loads of laundry. Big fun.
My love life sucks. The "marry me" guy won't get lost, he keeps texting me at odd hours of the day and night and sending me emails just to say "hi". Daniel calls about every two to three days or so but he is still in Vegas where he lives so he's pretty inaccessible, and the artsy-fartsy guy never returned my call. He added me on facebook though, which I'm starting to think means absolutely zilch because since then he's added 7 other people. He probably adds everyone. I ain't special. I want a date with someone who isn't creepy, who lives near me, and who actually likes me and thinks I'm special. Is that too much to ask? Apparently, it is. I'm spinning my wheels.
This weekend I'm going to measure the sides and drawers of my dresser, place an order with my local glass and mirror shop for panels the same size, buy some liquid nails glue and some spray paint, and give my trusty old dresser a much needed, long overdue make over. That should cheer me up for about a week. Though I doubt it will keep my mind from wandering and longing for male companionship and a more interesting career. But it'll have to do.

Today is a two post day because I’m in the mood

So my weekend was great. I got some much needed retail therapy, got dolled up and went dancing twice, ate very well, saw a movie, spent time with family and friends, went to an outdoor concert, and met two new frogs. The 41 year old “marry me!” frog seems to have finally given up. Daniel, on the other hand, has called me three times since my last post about frogs, and he’s been true to his every word since we spent the weekend together in Vegas two weeks ago. He’s throwing me for a loop. I usually know how, when, and where these things will end before they do and every time I think I have things pegged with him, he proves me wrong. He’s pulling me in more and more, threatening to steal my cool if I’m not careful (“Be cool, Ice Cold”). I'm looking forward to learning more about him but I can’t drop my guards. He still has too many cons and not enough pros. Hopefully, the two new frogs that I met over the weekend will serve as much needed distractions from him and keep me from losing myself. One is from the Caribbean as well, though I haven’t asked exactly where in the Caribbean hes from yet. Tonight I’ll sit still long enough to call him back and find out more. He’s funny, I know that, and he seems fun to be around. The other frog is an artsy-fartsy 27 year old Aquarius – the second water bearer in two months. Daniel is also an Aquarius. Normally, I wouldn't give astrology a second thought but I've been hanging out with my woo-woo/”signs” friend a lot lately and she’s beginning to rub off on me. Anyway, he paints and does tattoos, lives in L.A. and…he handed me his business card almost as if he was giving me a sales pitch rather than a “lets go out and see if we’d make a good pair” pitch. I’m not sure what to make of that. I mean, yeah, it’s still his phone number and it makes more sense to just give me a business card than have me write the number down or save it in my phone, right? But everybody gets/got a business card. Prior to that, he kept looking at me and walking around my blanket at the reggae fest where we met. Then, when he finally walked over to me and we spoke I was positively clear about my interests. I asked him his age and if he was single and he said ‘yes’ so he has to know that I’m interested in more than art and tattoo’s, right? Then why did he offer to give me a tattoo? Maybe he just didn't want to come off a certain way (i.e., skeevy or pressed)? I see I’ll need a strategy for this one. But it's good practice. I’m getting my dating “sea legs” back quickly :) Thank goodness.

*the photo above is me at the UCLA Reggae Festival

The Indomitable Pippi

As a child, I absolutely adored Pippi Longstocking. She was red-headed, independent and strong, fearless, self-possessed, and rich. Everything I aspired to be! Plus her dad was a pirate. Does it get any better than that? I doubt it. The very first time I saw her she was sitting in a stairwell rolling mismatched stockings up her skinny little legs and I thought “what a strange looking little girl.” She looked quite peculiar, indeed. And as the show went on I learned that she lived free and alone in a big, charming house called Villa Villekulla, could stay up as late as she wanted, could do whatever she wanted, owned a suitcase full of gold doubloons, was unimpressed with anyone who underestimated her or tried to limit her, and every day was one big adventure for her and her friends, Annika and Tommy. Pippi became my childhood hero. She grabbed a hold of me back in the early 80s and never truly let me go. Although hero’s come and go and little girls grow up to change their minds, I think subconsciously I’ve always wanted to be a little like Pippy Longstocking.