Another check off my bucket list

Although my roots run deep there, I’ve never been to New Orleans. The birthplace of jazz, a major port where slaves entered this country, the city where my great grandmother ran a bordello after her husband died and left her with two kids. NOLA has been on my bucket list for a while now and in March it will be getting checked off. We’re heading down there just in time for the Jazz and Heritage Festival, which is great because jazz and heritage are two of my primary reasons for wanting to visit. Great food is another. I figure I’ll get all three at the New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival in March. I'll slow my grind down a bit by then. YOLO, lol

constantly grinding

I wonder what it will feel like when my big goals are finally accomplished. i'll probably just make new goals and grind some more. But the thought of resting is appealing. The thought of getting to where I'm trying to go and then soaking it all in is so sweet. I just hope that I can break this habit of always trying to make things better and just enjoy whats already good. Speaking of which, I may be staying home this Thanksgiving. I'm not sure if I'll regret going to my cousins house or not going to my cousins house. We have nowhere to put Axl, it's a long story but he's the reason we'll probably be staying home this year. My mom and step dad will likely come over for a bit, though, if we do stay, which is highly likely. And I'm making oyster dressing for the first time this year. I'm sure we'll play gin rummy or somethng. The simple things in life make me so happy these days. Decoratng my house for the holidays, cooking things like oyster dressing, being with family, HAVING LEFTOVERS...I'll just be happy when the day comes that I can host a double family gathering at my big ol' house. I am thankful for my bungalow, though. SOOO thankful. I love having a home of my own. But what will my life consist of when I stop striving for more? Will I be a grandmother by then? Will I have met a life partner? Will I have traveled to my hearts content? Will I have a new list of goals to accomplish? I sort of feel like I'm missing something, though. Like maybe I'm doing it all wrong. I'm not 100% satisfied. That figures.

I took my mom to see a play last night to celebrate her birthday. Intimate Apparel at the Pasadena Playhouse. It was surprisingly very sad. The main character was a 35 year old African American seamstress in 1905 New York who'd been working since the age of 9 and had never really felt loved or that she belonged anywhere. She was saving her money to open a beauty parlor and was jealous of the girls she knew who were getting married and seemed happy. Her two main confidants were a rich, sad, married white woman and a black prostitute. Anyway, she believes she has found love when a man she'd never met began writing her letters from Panama. And having never laid eyes on him nor ever hearing his voice, she eventually agrees to marry him like a desperate fool. Shortly after they're married it becomes obvious that he isn't who she expected him to be. He's verbally abusive, unloving, and she even learns that he is cheating on her with her prostitute friend. And in one last desperate attempt at love, she breaks down and allows him to talk her into giving him all of her life savings. Money that was earmarked for her dream to open a beauty parlor. Of course, he never returns and she ends up living back in the rooming house she'd started in, trying to etch out a dream that is now much farther away than before. During all this, it's obvious that she and the Jewish man that she buys fabric from have developed feelings for one another. But it's 1905, he's white, she's black, and his family has already arranged for him to marry a woman he's never met who lives in another country. Although sad, the actors did a fantastic job and the set and vintage lingerie was absolutely whimsical.

:)

I love the fine lines that I am developing around my eyes, the twang in my voice that doesn’t quite say where I come from, my belly, my curves, my feet, my round face, the way I hold my mouth when I’m deep in thought, the way I cook, live, and love. There is nothing about me that annoys me or that I cannot live with. I see my vast potential clearly, as well as how great I already am, so I don’t feel the need to worry myself with trying to convince someone else of all this. I’m extremely lovable :) If no one ever sees it, that’s their loss, not mine. I’ve tried explaining this to a friend of mine but she doesn’t get it. She clearly does not fully accept or view herself as whole, poor thing. The other day I received a chain email and since I’m a wee bit superstitious, I followed the instructions on this one before I deleted it. After reading all the way to the bottom of the email, it requested that I, the reader, make a wish for whatever it is that I want the most right now, or else the opposite will come true. I silently made a wish and it was not for a companion, lol. Although it did occur to me that others might expect me to wish for a man. I know better, though. No man could possibly make me any happier than I already am. And if I should find someone whose happiness is MY happiness, well, that would be fantastic! That would just make me even more awesome and fortunate than I already am… although, I’m hardly complaining over my current bounty of good fortune. People are people; none of us is Prince or Princess Charming. And finding someone who won’t disappoint, whose idiosyncrasies you can live with, who is like-minded and has all of the qualities that you need in a mate, is a real bitch. Fools rush in.


There was a time when I used to wonder if my ex was as good as it gets. I was judging him through someone else’s eyes, though, not my own. It took me years to realize that I could never know whether or not he is the best I could do because I won’t get to date every man I could potentially date and compare him to. And that’s fine with me because what I DO know is that he was no longer making me happy and life is primarily about being happy. I was downright miserable with that controlling man. Then one day I decided to shut out others’ worthless opinions about my happiness and listened to my own truth, which said that I would be happier on my own than with him. So I decided to go and, lo and behold, I found peace. Imagine that. So if he had been the cream of the crop that would have been really disheartening if I didn’t already love myself above all else. Anyway, I like the idea that I don’t have to do or be or please anyone but me (although pleasing others does, in fact, sometimes please me. Either way, it all comes back to me :) ). I understand that loving me is more than what some people are capable of. That’s why I don’t want to trouble myself with anyone who isn’t open to really trying.