I’m in a really good mood today.  I generally don’t like to post when I’m not feeling so great, which has been often lately, hence me not posting as much as I have in the past.  But recently, my spirits have been up.  I feel light and airy, lol.  I’m not worried about anything, even though I still have many of the same challenges (fighting that ticket in Malibu, issues with my ex, etc.) that I had before my current disposition.  I think it stems from the great time that I had with my family on Thanksgiving.  Everyone is still talking about it and we’re all closer than ever.  My niece, the one who is usually surly, has been unseasonably sweet.  She answers her phone now when we call, lol, and drove my mom and little cousins all around town two days in a row.  My cousin called just to check on me the other day.  And the “little ones” can’t stop talking about the fun they had with “Tee Tee”/my mom and I shopping and going out to eat on Friday.  Everyone is on a cloud except my trifling cousin (the mermaid) who didn’t join us.  She spent the holiday with her recently-released-from-prison, boyfriend, and prior to, spent a lot of time berating her son for the crime of simply breathing.  She does this all the time.  This time, though, it was enough for all of us to just write her off as a nutcase, and move on with our lives, for his sake (poor thing) and our sanity.  That broad definitely aint working with a full deck.  Anyway, last night I had a dream that solidified for me that I am finally and completely over my ex.  In the past, when we were togehter I had dreams where he would behave as his usual asshole self and I would plead with him to stop so that we could be in love again, then I’d wake up sad.  But last night during part of my wacky dream (and it was wacky, no doubt, but that’s another post) he showed up and tried to get huff and tough with my cousin, T-man, who turned and asked me “Do you still love this n*gga?” and I replied “Hell no! Do what you got to do” so T proceeded to whoop his ass.  I told you the dream was wacky.  Anyway, I awoke feeling no way about it at all.  I just acknowledged it and proceeded with my day.  That’s a sign of progress!  I’ve come a very long way and now I feel like I can really move forward with my life. 

Thanksgiving Day Dance Off

The last few years we had been estranged.  One person wasn't speaking to the other then someone chose sides while everybody had an opinion and an attitude about someone else's business, or someone else's doings, and other unimportant-in-the-grand-scheme of things, stuff.  But this year we all came together and it was clear that we all truly missed each other.  I know I did.  We met up in Carson at my cousins house and ate, drank, laughed, and loved on one another.  The twins must have kissed my face a hundred times.  Then we pulled names for a Secret Santa gift exchange.  Above and below is crappy video footage of just a little of the fun we had (my camera SUCKS! It kept running out of memory so it wouldn't record for more than seconds).  The kids were battle dancing and my mama served 'em, but, alas, my camera was acting finicky at that point so I only have to share what is posted here.  Hope you enjoy watching my relatives having fun :)

I got my heart from my mama

I'm abnormally compassionate, lol. For instance, years ago m ex talked major shit to me about a vehicle that he was driving, which was in my name. So when we broke up (while still living together) I kindly asked him what he wanted to do about the truck. He popped off at the mouth real tough-like and told me to "sell it, then, Val! I don't give a fuck!" so I calmly placed an ad in the penny saver asking for just what was owed on it, and sure enough they were beating my door down for the sale. I invited one couple over for a test drive and they showed up while my ex was sprawled on the couch watching the game. Oh, the look on his face was priceless. So I told the people I'd let them know in a couple of days if I still wanted to sell it. My ex is proud as shit though, so despite me trying to reason with him to reconsider and just switch the truck over to his name, he refused. So, I sold it. And I was actually sad about it. Sad that my ex was such a stupid asshole. Damn shame. Then he had the nerve to never forgive me for it. Wtf, right? That wouldn't be the last time his pride fucked him up, either.
Anyway, so remember island boy and how I hadn't heard from him in about 6 months until about a week ago? Well, he called me again last night while I was in the throws of an exciting texting session (yeah, I be having those :)) and he left me the most pitiful voicemail. At first he hesitated like he wasn't going to leave a message and just hang up. And then suddenly he started whining about me not calling him back like I allegedly said I would, and "are you mad? Ya could tell me." and some ol other rigamoro I could barely understand because of that damn accent. So I mentioned it to my mother, who I mention at least 80% of the happenings of my life to, and she said "aw, just call and explain it to him." so I rolled my eyes, felt a little bit guilty, and called to break it to him, and now he's begging to be my friend. WTF FOR? Why?!?! He lives in Las Vegas, I could see if he lived even remotely close to me, then I'd be more open to it. But where's my motivation here? Where the benefit in being friends? I've come to realize he's not really even funny, I was just lusting. What do we have to talk about that I give a damn about? I can't come up with one thing. Am I being mean? Wouldn't it have been nicer to just ignore him? I mean, it's been 6 gotdamn months. I've more than moved on. Ugh. And it seemed the more that I resisted the idea of us being friends, the more he pleaded that we should be. I got a whole sermon on how he'd always be cool with me and I should feel the same about him. Yeah, yeah, yeah dude, whatever. So then came the passive aggressive boyfriend questions "did your man get mad when I called? Is that why you didn't pick up?"
"you called me when I was asleep, that's why i didn't pick up"
"but what about the second time I called, were you trying to play it off like you didn't know the number?"
"nah, because I DIDN'T know the number"
Then he gave me a sermon on kismet and how it was meant for us to meet that night in Vegas. I did a whole lot of eye rolling and then said I needed to rest up for a full day tomorrow because I'm fighting a cold, which is partially true. I am fighting a cold.
But now what? I won't call, I wonder how long it will take for his persistence to wear off. I don't have it in me to just tell him to kick rocks.

Church today

So I went to church today and I feel like I wasted an entire day. I love my family but I keep forgetting that I hate dealing with them. I told my mother last night before bed that if we leave my house at 9:30 am, we'd make it to church in L.A. by 10am. She didn't believe me. She hasn't driven a car in over 30 years but she still doubted me. So she got up at 7am and yelled at me for not waking her up earlier. I rolled back over to try to go back to sleep and ten minutes later my phone rang. It was my step father. Then 15 minutes after that, my cousin called. My mom spoke to both of them and after she hung up, she told me they'd meet us at church. Cool, whatever. I gave up the fight to sleep and decided to get dressed. We made it to L.A. at 9:30. We'd planned to go to the 10am service. As soon as I got off the freeway, she says to me "We have to pick Tony up!" HUHN?! "I thought he was meeting us there!?"
"Oh," she says, "no, he needs a ride."
This is the kind of shit that annoys the hell out of me. Don't spring stuff on me at the last minute. Ugh! So I make a detour to her house, in the opposite direction of church, and we pick him up. Then she says "call Nicky and tell her we're getting on the freeway." So I do. Nicky says "okay" and 10 minutes later, we arrived at church. Early, just like I told her, lol. Smh.
Throughout the whole service all of us kept looking towards the door for Nicky to show up. She's always late so it didn't occur to me until about 30 minutes in that she might've wanted to be picked up. Never mind the fact that she lives 5 minutes away from the church and has a gotdamn car herself. If she can use you in any capacity and save herself some gas and effort, she will. Thats how she is. Then my mom begins to yell at my stepdad for making room for yet another woman in our already crammed pew. My son is mad dogging everyone because he doesn't want to be there, and every time we're told to bow our heads and pray, my mother nudges me to point out something stupid. "Look at Barney over there in all that purple," she says referring to a woman in a purple hat with purple feathers and a purple cape. Then, every time the choir starts singing, she quickly finds the song lyrics in her book, nudges me and points them out to me because I'm not singing along. I used to leave church feeling refreshed and smiling, thoughtful and energized. But today all I wanted to do was drive home and start my day over after a nap. It wasn't our usual priest giving the sermon today. It was some Jamaican man that, for some reason, I couldn't believe was a priest :( so it took real effort for me to focus on his word and not his accent/nationality. And I can't decide if it was just me and my prejudice or if he was all over the place with his message, not making any real points. He began to talk about the virtues of a good wife, which I was dreading but was open-minded about. Then he asked women to tell him what they wanted in a husband, then he asked the married men to tell him what made them want to marry their wives, and then he started talking about being greedy and selfish and shopping for things we don't need, and he finished with forgiveness. Somehow, though, I was able to pull a couple of good things out of it, thank God. What I was really disappointed about was that they didn't sing my favorite church song and they've changed things so much since I was last there. I don't know if I'll ever be back. In my older age, I've found that I don't care for change in tradition so much. More on that some other time though. My takeout dinner is here.

So after 6 months, island boy decided to call me. I wish he would've kept stepping, though. So I told him I was busy (I was)and he asked me to call him back. I didn't and don't plan to. I mean, for what? His number been up. The thing is, I suspect that he couldn't handle me not giving a damn...whether he gave a damn or not. Funny.
I got a raise today :) so I posted a blurb about it on that social networking site and of all of my 100+ "friends" only 3 could even pretend to give a damn. Who does it hurt to click "Like"? And this is why my friendship circle is so incredibly exclusive.
I wore a "kiss my ass" dress today and surprised myself with how fucking HOT I looked in it. I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror at work and did a double take. My thoughts: GotDAMN! Look at ME! I had curves I didn't even know I had, hips, ass, and that belt squeezing my waist so tight accentuated it all. I got so many compliments, I don't know why I never wear that thing. Yes, I do, I'm too modest and prefer comfort. I never was a ham. But today I strutted my stuff around that hospital until 4 o'clock, when that belt began to feel like an anaconda around my waist, lol.

Sometimes you annoy me.

Sometimes it bothers me that you stalk my blog but never say anything to me. Don't have your way with my words and then leave me cold and empty, without so much as a "hello." Slam, bam, "thank you, ma'am." That's what it feels like. But I'm sort of glad that you come back time and time again and read whatever's on my mind and that I decide to share. I just wish I knew where this relationship was going, you know? I just wish you'd give me a sign, some feedback. Until then I suppose I will continue to pull the blanket up to my chin after you leave, and wonder what it is that keeps you coming back but never sharing.

I don't believe I'm ugly. I don't think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, either. I believe that looks only matter to the person they matter to. One Halloween, about 6 or 7 years ago, I went to a party with my cousin and, while standing in line, I discovered this guy who seemed absolutely smitten wit me. I wore an ankle-length Chinese cheongsam, blue with gold and pink detail, buttoned up to the neck, and flat shoes. My long hair was in a bun with chopsticks sticking out of it. He was a sheik. While standing in line he stared at me, but it wasn't a confused looking stare, it seemed to be an intrigued stare. He chatted me up about everything, literally, and I became intrigued. Once inside the party, he found me sitting with my cousins wallflower friend and he sat and chatted me up some more. I discovered that he was one of the party-giver's/hosts.  He bought us drinks and finally asked for my phone number. I gave it to him, utterly intrigued by this man who seemed captivated by me. For no other reason than that he was so open and captivated, I was interested. Then, as the night progressed, feeling confident and lovely, I saw a guy dressed as a mail carrier and he was just my type. I tend to gravitate towards a certain look and he had it. So I smiled at him and he frowned at me. Ha. I didn't give up so easily though, the sheik had given me a bit of bravery and self confidence. I felt like a live wire. So when the mailman came outside and stood right next to me smoking a cigarette, I took it as a sign, I tried to strike up a conversation. He looked at me with disgust, though. Not at all like the sheik had stared at me. He damn sure didn't see what the sheik saw. So, deflated a bit at having struck out, I shrugged it off, albeit a little perplexed because I didn't know then what I know now, and went to check on my cousins wallflower friend. She wanted to go home and asked me to walk her to her car, so I did. And on my walk back to the party, a guy hanging from a moving vehicle yelled out at me "CONEECHEEWAH!" I laughed and when I'd finally made my way back to the party, he introduced himself to me. We danced, he made me laugh some more, he was fun, so I wrote my number down on a napkin for him (this was all an experiment folks) and then I turned around and looked directly into the sheiks eyes. Whoops! This time, he didn't look happy. He never said anything about it, he just took my hand and lead me out to the patio where the mailman had rejected me. Feeling confident and playful, I wrapped his arms around my waist from behind me, and we walked outside as a unit. Shortly after that, we heard a bit of commotion going on inside the party. It sounded like someone was fighting. I was naturally concerned, but the sheik didn't seem phased at all. He acted like he hadn't heard the yelling and screaming and kept trying to turn my attention back to him. Then, suddenly, my Blackinese suitor, the guy I'd written my number on a napkin for, came running directly past me with a bloody face. He looked absolutely terrified as he hopped the wall behind me and fled. I was absolutely terrified, ready to find my cousin and do the same, lol. But, just like that, the bouncers went back inside and the party resumed as though nothing had happened. The sheik looked at me with a devilish smirk on his face this time and proceeded to tell me about his wives in Morocco and how it's customary in his culture for a man to have multiple wives. I don't really think I have to tell you that after that night, I had no plans of ever speaking to that man again. But it's interesting to me how beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I've been complimented in the best ways based on my appearance, and rejected based on it as well. Que sera sera?

I want to give up. I am so stressed right now and jaded about everything, i just dont give a damn. I'm hanging on by a thread. I haven't cleaned up in a week, you should see my kitchen :( my hair is a mess, I'm not even motivated enough to care about my health. I didn't cook dinner last night. Instead I ordered spicy seafood fried rice and loafed around the house in bummy clothing for most of the day. I told myself that I'd get up early and go for a run or a walk today. It's 10:20am and I'm still in bed. This sucks. I hate this feeling, like I'm helpless, like I can't win for losing. And to be honest, I haven't really lost much. I'm just frustrated that I'm not moving forward at the pace I want to move at. I hope this is just pms, because then it will be over in a week or two. I need to go walk. I'm going to force myself to get out and walk. I could use the endorphins.

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Trying to stay positive but it's difficult with so many worrisome things going on. I'm on the cusp of a huge change and I'm feeling both antsy and stressed about it. I need and welcome this change but it's hard for me to rest not knowing just when and how things will come about. My only resort is to hold on to my faith, in God as well as in myself, and know that all of the great things that have occurred to me in my life were preceded by worry and stress but everything turned out well in the end. Stress and worry are taxes paid that may never come due, right? It'll be okay.