What do you mean he’s gone?  Gone where? How? What are you talking about? My brother’s death is unfathomable. I hear his voice saying he’s unable to come to the phone right now when I call his cell and I want to leave a message asking him what the hell happened? Why are they saying that you died playing basketball? Because only he can explain it to me.  The doctor says that he had an enlarged heart, which is a symptom of some underlying issue.  Maybe it was his high blood pressure, maybe it was an arrhythmia he was born with, like me, or maybe it was something else.  Could it have been prevented somehow? Was he taking blood pressure medication? How did he feel that day?  Nothing has been explained to my satisfaction so I’m left trying to put all the pieces together like a detective.  And I feel so guilty for not calling him in such a long time.  I figured he’d be there whenever I got around to it. I thought we had more time.

The fact is, there’s never enough time and there’s nothing we can do about it. We’re always going to feel like we were blindsided, like the rug was abruptly snatched from beneath us, and that we took the lives of our loved ones for granted. It will never be that we are satisfied with our last interaction with someone we’ve loved and lost, no matter if it was months ago or the very day that they passed away. We’ll have regrets no matter what.  We’ll feel like we didn’t get to say all that needed to be said, do all that needed to be done.  Even if I had called him on Sunday, the day before he went to play basketball, I would have felt robbed by the end of Monday, when he passed on.  There's never enough time when you love someone.

I couldn’t sleep last night, the second night of his passing, because I realized that back in March I’d accidentally deleted the only set of pictures of him and I together.  I’ve been searching my computer for them in vain ever since. I’m still hopeful that maybe they were saved onto a thumb drive that I just need to find.  I’m so sad.  Those pictures mean so much to me.  I was so proud whenever I mentioned him, “my brother.”  And he made me feel every bit of a little sister, loved and protected.  I was so elated when we spoke for the very first time 7 years ago.  Darryl is my half brother, 5 years older than me, and although we knew the other existed – me since I was 12, and him since he was 16 –  no one had bothered to help us find one another until 2005.  And in that short time it was as though we’d been together our entire lives. We talked often but never often enough for his liking.  We even resembled each other.  And when I visited St. Louis in 2008, I got to spend some time with my older brother and meet two of my three nephews.  We’d only just begun and now he’s no more.  I feel like part of my soul is hollow.  The first night I hadn't processed it fully. I still haven't, actually. But that first night I fell asleep at 11pm and woke up crying at 2am.  I had a headache for 2 days after that and, on this third day, I am finally beginning to accept that he is gone. Although now I'm trying my hardest to hold on to any and every memory that I have left of him. I go to his facebook page and read his past comments and see our "friendship" and it fills me up a bit, it helps me get on knowing that he never really left. Those times we had, the laughs, the heart to hearts, his memories will be with me always. And it brings me great solace to know that he was happy that day, he'd come to a great place in his life, found a wonderful person to share it with, and all four of his children were happy with him.
I'll miss you, big brother. I'm so grateful for the time we had. It couldn't have been long enough. xxoo

Really, my dream is to get up every day around 8am, slip into my robe and slippers, fix and eat breakfast, brush my teeth, and then head out back to my studio shed to work.  I’ll get dressed around noon or before breakfast, depending on my mood and agenda for the day, and I’ll work out there in that shed until 6 or 7 o’clock, working for myself, making my own hours, my own money, and calling my own shots.  All this other stuff that I’m running myself ragged to accomplish are back-up plans, just-in-case-these-eggs-don’t-hatch, plans.  But I feel like time is running out on me, and I have to begin etching out the living that I truly want right now instead of …someday…soon. Yet I’m spending all my time focusing on the safety net, the “just-in-case” plan B.  I need it now.  I’m inching closer to 40 as I type this, and with a birthday coming up in January, doing what I truly want to do with my life is at the forefront of my mind.  So, I’m giving myself a deadline to be done with this other stuff – summer 2013.  That’s it and that’s all, God willing.  If I continue to work on this other stuff, it will be in my spare time, life permitting.  I’m going to save up enough money for my safety net and then I’m going to go full throttle at my dreams.  To be fair, though, I haven’t completely left them unattended on the back burner.  I’ve kept them in sight, stirring the pot from time to time.  I just haven’t focused enough of my attention on them.  That’s going to change very soon. 

cape fear

i'm antsy. i feel like i'm bullshitting and wasting time. things just arent happening as quickly as i'd like them to. why can't i be a patient passenger? ugh. i will be 38 years old in 42 days. i feel like my life began again at 33 and it's been progressing painfully slow. i'm afraid of whats next. i shouldnt be but i am. i try to convince myself not to be. i have so many wonderful plans in the works, i should feel excited, not fearful. will i be too old to enjoy the fruits of my labor when everything is finally ripe? dios mio, i'm a headcase at times. i'm peaceful, content, yet antsy and eager at the same time. my mom used to say "if you rush your life, you rush your death." i try to let that anchor me. i have led a great life so far. why wouldnt i believe it could only get better? thats the pessimist in me, the worry wart. i gotta check that bitch. got me doubting my ability to win when i KNOW what I'm capable of. psht. i couldnt visualize a terrible future if i tried. my house is covered in fog. i just looked out my bathroom window and my tree looked eerily content surrounded in mist and grayness. i love the peacefulness of morning and this fog is heightening that. i kind of hope it doesnt burn off. then i can spend more time with my creative mind. gotta use these powers for good though. no more worry and fear.

My cousins mother died

She was my aunt through marriage. i'd bumped into her at a restaurant a week before she was put on her deathbed and she acted real shitty. i heard she was bitter about dying. as long as i've known her she's been bitter about living. but i held no ill will. i didn't even really pity her. she just was. and now that she's not, my cousin is beside herself with grief and anger. anger because her mother didn't raise her, mines did. and because she tried for years to gain that womans favor and rid herself of us (my mom and me) but she couldn't. she always needed something. so now she's mad because we didn't go see her mom on her deathbed. i'd prefer to remember her how she was that day at the restaurant. plus, she made it quite clear that she didn't like my mother. hell, she didn't even like her own children or grandchildren. i remember her once saying "if it doesn't benefit me, it doesn't matter" she was proudly selfish. so wtf i look like going to cry over this woman? as a matter of fact, that day in the restaurant i had her great granddaughter w/ me. she looked down her nose at that two year old like she was shit. didn't hug or kiss her or even smile. her husband exclaimed "oh yeah! we've seen pictures of her," as if seeing a picture of your only great-grandchild is better than seeing her in the flesh.  i feel sorry for my cousin but that's about it.  Whenever she's ready to talk, if she ever will be, I also hope she's ready to listen.  No matter what occurs in her life I wont tolerate her treating my mother, the only real mother she's ever known, like some insignificant factor in her life, as much as my mother has done and been there for her. Even standing by her side and helping her and her children when NO ONE else would, including her biological mother, as she practically spat in her face. 

i keep making excuses because i'm not where i want to be right now. i keep telling myself that i'm not ready or even prepared to give my all and focus on a relationship because i need to do x,y,&z first. i don't know if that's me expecting a repeat of former relationships, me being gunshy, or me being real (real comfy w/ my current sitch). so what do i always do? i look for reasons to shoot shit down, exit stage left, and not even bother...all while riding the fence hella hard and confused. for the first time i'm not sure i really know wtf i want. indecision is a bitch. or maybe i'm just trying to do too much all at once. i need to focus, prioritize, and chill. in no particular order