My cousins mother died

She was my aunt through marriage. i'd bumped into her at a restaurant a week before she was put on her deathbed and she acted real shitty. i heard she was bitter about dying. as long as i've known her she's been bitter about living. but i held no ill will. i didn't even really pity her. she just was. and now that she's not, my cousin is beside herself with grief and anger. anger because her mother didn't raise her, mines did. and because she tried for years to gain that womans favor and rid herself of us (my mom and me) but she couldn't. she always needed something. so now she's mad because we didn't go see her mom on her deathbed. i'd prefer to remember her how she was that day at the restaurant. plus, she made it quite clear that she didn't like my mother. hell, she didn't even like her own children or grandchildren. i remember her once saying "if it doesn't benefit me, it doesn't matter" she was proudly selfish. so wtf i look like going to cry over this woman? as a matter of fact, that day in the restaurant i had her great granddaughter w/ me. she looked down her nose at that two year old like she was shit. didn't hug or kiss her or even smile. her husband exclaimed "oh yeah! we've seen pictures of her," as if seeing a picture of your only great-grandchild is better than seeing her in the flesh.  i feel sorry for my cousin but that's about it.  Whenever she's ready to talk, if she ever will be, I also hope she's ready to listen.  No matter what occurs in her life I wont tolerate her treating my mother, the only real mother she's ever known, like some insignificant factor in her life, as much as my mother has done and been there for her. Even standing by her side and helping her and her children when NO ONE else would, including her biological mother, as she practically spat in her face. 

i keep making excuses because i'm not where i want to be right now. i keep telling myself that i'm not ready or even prepared to give my all and focus on a relationship because i need to do x,y,&z first. i don't know if that's me expecting a repeat of former relationships, me being gunshy, or me being real (real comfy w/ my current sitch). so what do i always do? i look for reasons to shoot shit down, exit stage left, and not even bother...all while riding the fence hella hard and confused. for the first time i'm not sure i really know wtf i want. indecision is a bitch. or maybe i'm just trying to do too much all at once. i need to focus, prioritize, and chill. in no particular order