I told him I wouldn't miss him. I lied. It's been about a week and I do, in fact, miss him. Man, the heart is such a complicated organ. I keep thinking that all I need to do is find my dream guy. Nobody perfect because perfection doesn't exist, just as long as he fits about 75-80% of my KAL (Kameelah Ass List), and I'll be good. I won't miss *him. It's strange how things work out. I never expected this. But that's life, right? Fiction has to make sense, life never does. Anyway, I miss his arms around me, his voice in my ear, hands in my hair, his baby soft skin and scent. I miss him babbling on and on about some story of his life, and he has many. Were he a book, he'd be a great read in bed on a rainy day like today. I can visualize his hand gestures and they make me smile. I told him that I loved his mannerisms and he smiled. I told him that his skin would make babies jealous and he smiled big, then, too. Then when he told me that absence makes the heart grow fonder I told him "out of sight, out of mind." That might've been harsh but I needed to protect this big clunky organ in my chest somehow. At that time, the shit was sitting precariously on my damn sleeve, threatening to leap off as we sat in his car discussing us. Us, a situation still with no explanation. So I try to spend my days and nights fantasizing about my dream guy, wherever he is, and how comforting life with him will be. I won't have to miss him because he'll be here with me more often than not, and I wont have to protect my heart from him because he will be its guardian. And that's what I tell myself to keep from missing *him. He has prompted me to update my KAL and here it goes (in no particular order):
between 33 and 49 years old
already a father with 1 child, or children over the age of 12 OR doesn't want children
non smoker
social drinker if he drinks at all
is okay with dogs
is kind and generous, not cheap
chivalrous, a gentleman
intelligent
confident
hardworking
strives for more from life, isn't content with little or nothing
decent earning potential, which is well above minimum wage
no exorbitant debt
the ability to comfortably pay his bills with some to spare
open minded
supportive
easy going
believes in a creator but isn't fanatical about it
has integrity
is caring and not cruel to anyone or any creature
isn't a wimp
isn't a video game fanatic
adores me :)
has a similar sense of humor and loves to make me laugh
is at least 5'11, not overweight
handsome (ability to grow hair on his head, no acne, no skin discoloration, no bad scarring or keloids, etc.)
no feminine
no squeaky voices
is a protector
a motivator
takes care of his responsibilities
understands the meaning of the phrase "happy wife, happy life"
is good in bed and aims to please

Okay, I'm back. I feel the cloud in my head lifting and my vision is becoming clearer. Whew! It was fun floating but I needed at least my pinky toe back on the ground, sheesh. So, while I'm still feeling like "shooby dooby doo," I aint no sucka; I'm holding on. I'm back to me and this mission of mine. The job is starting to feel a little more routine-like, which is good. You always have to feel around in the dark for a while when beginning a new endeavor. A month and one week in, and I'm loving it even more. Mostly because it's becoming more familiar. A month and a week in with him, and he is also feeling more familiar. My stride is steadying, straightening out; I'm walking with purpose again and I know where I'm going. It's 10:36pm on Thanksgiving eve and I'm tired as hell, after having been up since 6am and moving all day, nonstop. So...I'm going to bed now. Just thought I'd let yall know. GN.

No complaints

My life has changed so much in a little over a month. All good things, thus far, and no complaints. I love my job. That's the first time I have ever said that or felt that over my entire working life. I not only work for a couple of fantastic women, but my coworkers are all great, too! Everyone is going out of their way to help and make sure I get acclimated. It's so fantastic and I so deserve it :) I also lost 5 pounds and managed to keep it off, despite all of the Halloween candy my coworkers have been bringing into work and *ahem* forcing me to eat. I look great in my size 6 Ann Taylor work slacks. My romantic life has picked up, as well, and I am developing really warm&fuzzy feelings for a particular someone. He says all the right things, so much so, that it's kind of scary. But I've told myself to let go, be confident, and live a little. Lord knows I certainly need to do more of that. My son turned 19 today and he starts his first bonafide grown up job in a week making $10 and hour, lol. So cute, but he's on his way and his future, the plan we made for him, is taking shape. As I type this, in my pink robe, yellow pajama pants, black tank and slippers, my house is sparkling clean, my loved ones are happy and healthy, and life is good.

It's complicated, part 2

I've never been more confused, lol. smh. Talk about a learning experience! This is unlike anything I could've ever imagined and it's taking more than a notion to wrap my head firmly around it. I've never been too keen on being out of control and that's pretty much what this feels like. There is no safe word. I don't know how to do this. So I think it would be best if I just dont do anything at all, lol. Just sit down, shut up and wait until I can trust myself not to make a fool of myself. But anyone who knows me knows good and well that there's no way I'm doing that, lol. I need a distraction, like... pronto! So Saturday I'm going to dinner with a friend and some other folks for her birthday and I'm a little apprehensive about it because I don't know these other folks and I don't want issues with the bill when it comes. Group dinners tend to suck that way. People forget how many margarita's they've slurped down, don't consider tax or tip, and someone is always short on the bill by more than a meal or two. And she just had to go and choose a relatively expensive restaurant, to boot. I went to this same place last year for my birthday and the cheapest meal was about $30. So yeah, I'm thinking of surveying the group real good and basing my decision to order food AND a drink, or food OR a drink, on how broke and trifling this group appears. If they look good and trifling I'm just ordering a cocktail, saying happy birthday and leaving early, before any bill with tax and tip is even up for discussion. I love my new job. I've never ever said that about any job I've been employed to do so this feels great. Hope it stays this way and that I don't jinx it. Things have been going so well that all day I thought it was Tuesday instead of Wednesday. The week just flew by me without me even noticing. Yet still...I need a distraction! like, last week!!!

It's complicated

Trying to decide what I want. I thought I knew. I guess I don't. Or maybe I was merely pacifying myself all this time. But he has opened my eyes up wide. I feel as though I am on the verge of facing some tough truths and I'm a little worried only because I'm not entirely sure how deeply it will affect me. But, if nothing else, I know that it will affect me, that I won't come away completely unscathed or the same person I was when I faced him for the first time. I went into this simply throwing caution to the wind. Why not? Fuck it, I said. YOLO, lol. Seriously, I was riding a high in my life at the time, and I believe I was feeling a bit intoxicated, thinking I had nothing to lose. Or perhaps not thinking at all. But he surprised me. He really through me off. Now I know that if I'm not incredibly careful I am putting more than my heart at risk, but my entire well-being. Yet, somehow...he seems worth it...I think. Whatever it is, I can't let go. Not yet, at least. Not until I have to. I go back and forth on it. I'm still trying to figure things out and when I do, I know without a doubt that I will be an entirely new me. I know that life can change in an instant. It has so many times for me. I used to allow my imagination to jump time. Sort of like flipping to the back of the book, as if I could predict the future and who would be in it. Now i know that people and life are so unpredictable it's best to just live life out daily and never count on anyone being permanent, but appreciating the times when they are present. Because life isn't permanent. I value each moment. I saw him yesterday and I have no idea whether or not I will see him again, and I won't count on it either. I was fully present when he was there and that's all that really matters. it's late and i'm not sure where this rambling is going or if it's even making any sort of sense, so I'm going to bed. Maybe in the morning I'll revisit this and figure it out.