It's complicated

Trying to decide what I want. I thought I knew. I guess I don't. Or maybe I was merely pacifying myself all this time. But he has opened my eyes up wide. I feel as though I am on the verge of facing some tough truths and I'm a little worried only because I'm not entirely sure how deeply it will affect me. But, if nothing else, I know that it will affect me, that I won't come away completely unscathed or the same person I was when I faced him for the first time. I went into this simply throwing caution to the wind. Why not? Fuck it, I said. YOLO, lol. Seriously, I was riding a high in my life at the time, and I believe I was feeling a bit intoxicated, thinking I had nothing to lose. Or perhaps not thinking at all. But he surprised me. He really through me off. Now I know that if I'm not incredibly careful I am putting more than my heart at risk, but my entire well-being. Yet, somehow...he seems worth it...I think. Whatever it is, I can't let go. Not yet, at least. Not until I have to. I go back and forth on it. I'm still trying to figure things out and when I do, I know without a doubt that I will be an entirely new me. I know that life can change in an instant. It has so many times for me. I used to allow my imagination to jump time. Sort of like flipping to the back of the book, as if I could predict the future and who would be in it. Now i know that people and life are so unpredictable it's best to just live life out daily and never count on anyone being permanent, but appreciating the times when they are present. Because life isn't permanent. I value each moment. I saw him yesterday and I have no idea whether or not I will see him again, and I won't count on it either. I was fully present when he was there and that's all that really matters. it's late and i'm not sure where this rambling is going or if it's even making any sort of sense, so I'm going to bed. Maybe in the morning I'll revisit this and figure it out.