What do you mean he’s gone?  Gone where? How? What are you talking about? My brother’s death is unfathomable. I hear his voice saying he’s unable to come to the phone right now when I call his cell and I want to leave a message asking him what the hell happened? Why are they saying that you died playing basketball? Because only he can explain it to me.  The doctor says that he had an enlarged heart, which is a symptom of some underlying issue.  Maybe it was his high blood pressure, maybe it was an arrhythmia he was born with, like me, or maybe it was something else.  Could it have been prevented somehow? Was he taking blood pressure medication? How did he feel that day?  Nothing has been explained to my satisfaction so I’m left trying to put all the pieces together like a detective.  And I feel so guilty for not calling him in such a long time.  I figured he’d be there whenever I got around to it. I thought we had more time.

The fact is, there’s never enough time and there’s nothing we can do about it. We’re always going to feel like we were blindsided, like the rug was abruptly snatched from beneath us, and that we took the lives of our loved ones for granted. It will never be that we are satisfied with our last interaction with someone we’ve loved and lost, no matter if it was months ago or the very day that they passed away. We’ll have regrets no matter what.  We’ll feel like we didn’t get to say all that needed to be said, do all that needed to be done.  Even if I had called him on Sunday, the day before he went to play basketball, I would have felt robbed by the end of Monday, when he passed on.  There's never enough time when you love someone.

I couldn’t sleep last night, the second night of his passing, because I realized that back in March I’d accidentally deleted the only set of pictures of him and I together.  I’ve been searching my computer for them in vain ever since. I’m still hopeful that maybe they were saved onto a thumb drive that I just need to find.  I’m so sad.  Those pictures mean so much to me.  I was so proud whenever I mentioned him, “my brother.”  And he made me feel every bit of a little sister, loved and protected.  I was so elated when we spoke for the very first time 7 years ago.  Darryl is my half brother, 5 years older than me, and although we knew the other existed – me since I was 12, and him since he was 16 –  no one had bothered to help us find one another until 2005.  And in that short time it was as though we’d been together our entire lives. We talked often but never often enough for his liking.  We even resembled each other.  And when I visited St. Louis in 2008, I got to spend some time with my older brother and meet two of my three nephews.  We’d only just begun and now he’s no more.  I feel like part of my soul is hollow.  The first night I hadn't processed it fully. I still haven't, actually. But that first night I fell asleep at 11pm and woke up crying at 2am.  I had a headache for 2 days after that and, on this third day, I am finally beginning to accept that he is gone. Although now I'm trying my hardest to hold on to any and every memory that I have left of him. I go to his facebook page and read his past comments and see our "friendship" and it fills me up a bit, it helps me get on knowing that he never really left. Those times we had, the laughs, the heart to hearts, his memories will be with me always. And it brings me great solace to know that he was happy that day, he'd come to a great place in his life, found a wonderful person to share it with, and all four of his children were happy with him.
I'll miss you, big brother. I'm so grateful for the time we had. It couldn't have been long enough. xxoo

Really, my dream is to get up every day around 8am, slip into my robe and slippers, fix and eat breakfast, brush my teeth, and then head out back to my studio shed to work.  I’ll get dressed around noon or before breakfast, depending on my mood and agenda for the day, and I’ll work out there in that shed until 6 or 7 o’clock, working for myself, making my own hours, my own money, and calling my own shots.  All this other stuff that I’m running myself ragged to accomplish are back-up plans, just-in-case-these-eggs-don’t-hatch, plans.  But I feel like time is running out on me, and I have to begin etching out the living that I truly want right now instead of …someday…soon. Yet I’m spending all my time focusing on the safety net, the “just-in-case” plan B.  I need it now.  I’m inching closer to 40 as I type this, and with a birthday coming up in January, doing what I truly want to do with my life is at the forefront of my mind.  So, I’m giving myself a deadline to be done with this other stuff – summer 2013.  That’s it and that’s all, God willing.  If I continue to work on this other stuff, it will be in my spare time, life permitting.  I’m going to save up enough money for my safety net and then I’m going to go full throttle at my dreams.  To be fair, though, I haven’t completely left them unattended on the back burner.  I’ve kept them in sight, stirring the pot from time to time.  I just haven’t focused enough of my attention on them.  That’s going to change very soon. 

cape fear

i'm antsy. i feel like i'm bullshitting and wasting time. things just arent happening as quickly as i'd like them to. why can't i be a patient passenger? ugh. i will be 38 years old in 42 days. i feel like my life began again at 33 and it's been progressing painfully slow. i'm afraid of whats next. i shouldnt be but i am. i try to convince myself not to be. i have so many wonderful plans in the works, i should feel excited, not fearful. will i be too old to enjoy the fruits of my labor when everything is finally ripe? dios mio, i'm a headcase at times. i'm peaceful, content, yet antsy and eager at the same time. my mom used to say "if you rush your life, you rush your death." i try to let that anchor me. i have led a great life so far. why wouldnt i believe it could only get better? thats the pessimist in me, the worry wart. i gotta check that bitch. got me doubting my ability to win when i KNOW what I'm capable of. psht. i couldnt visualize a terrible future if i tried. my house is covered in fog. i just looked out my bathroom window and my tree looked eerily content surrounded in mist and grayness. i love the peacefulness of morning and this fog is heightening that. i kind of hope it doesnt burn off. then i can spend more time with my creative mind. gotta use these powers for good though. no more worry and fear.

My cousins mother died

She was my aunt through marriage. i'd bumped into her at a restaurant a week before she was put on her deathbed and she acted real shitty. i heard she was bitter about dying. as long as i've known her she's been bitter about living. but i held no ill will. i didn't even really pity her. she just was. and now that she's not, my cousin is beside herself with grief and anger. anger because her mother didn't raise her, mines did. and because she tried for years to gain that womans favor and rid herself of us (my mom and me) but she couldn't. she always needed something. so now she's mad because we didn't go see her mom on her deathbed. i'd prefer to remember her how she was that day at the restaurant. plus, she made it quite clear that she didn't like my mother. hell, she didn't even like her own children or grandchildren. i remember her once saying "if it doesn't benefit me, it doesn't matter" she was proudly selfish. so wtf i look like going to cry over this woman? as a matter of fact, that day in the restaurant i had her great granddaughter w/ me. she looked down her nose at that two year old like she was shit. didn't hug or kiss her or even smile. her husband exclaimed "oh yeah! we've seen pictures of her," as if seeing a picture of your only great-grandchild is better than seeing her in the flesh.  i feel sorry for my cousin but that's about it.  Whenever she's ready to talk, if she ever will be, I also hope she's ready to listen.  No matter what occurs in her life I wont tolerate her treating my mother, the only real mother she's ever known, like some insignificant factor in her life, as much as my mother has done and been there for her. Even standing by her side and helping her and her children when NO ONE else would, including her biological mother, as she practically spat in her face. 

i keep making excuses because i'm not where i want to be right now. i keep telling myself that i'm not ready or even prepared to give my all and focus on a relationship because i need to do x,y,&z first. i don't know if that's me expecting a repeat of former relationships, me being gunshy, or me being real (real comfy w/ my current sitch). so what do i always do? i look for reasons to shoot shit down, exit stage left, and not even bother...all while riding the fence hella hard and confused. for the first time i'm not sure i really know wtf i want. indecision is a bitch. or maybe i'm just trying to do too much all at once. i need to focus, prioritize, and chill. in no particular order

Another check off my bucket list

Although my roots run deep there, I’ve never been to New Orleans. The birthplace of jazz, a major port where slaves entered this country, the city where my great grandmother ran a bordello after her husband died and left her with two kids. NOLA has been on my bucket list for a while now and in March it will be getting checked off. We’re heading down there just in time for the Jazz and Heritage Festival, which is great because jazz and heritage are two of my primary reasons for wanting to visit. Great food is another. I figure I’ll get all three at the New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival in March. I'll slow my grind down a bit by then. YOLO, lol

constantly grinding

I wonder what it will feel like when my big goals are finally accomplished. i'll probably just make new goals and grind some more. But the thought of resting is appealing. The thought of getting to where I'm trying to go and then soaking it all in is so sweet. I just hope that I can break this habit of always trying to make things better and just enjoy whats already good. Speaking of which, I may be staying home this Thanksgiving. I'm not sure if I'll regret going to my cousins house or not going to my cousins house. We have nowhere to put Axl, it's a long story but he's the reason we'll probably be staying home this year. My mom and step dad will likely come over for a bit, though, if we do stay, which is highly likely. And I'm making oyster dressing for the first time this year. I'm sure we'll play gin rummy or somethng. The simple things in life make me so happy these days. Decoratng my house for the holidays, cooking things like oyster dressing, being with family, HAVING LEFTOVERS...I'll just be happy when the day comes that I can host a double family gathering at my big ol' house. I am thankful for my bungalow, though. SOOO thankful. I love having a home of my own. But what will my life consist of when I stop striving for more? Will I be a grandmother by then? Will I have met a life partner? Will I have traveled to my hearts content? Will I have a new list of goals to accomplish? I sort of feel like I'm missing something, though. Like maybe I'm doing it all wrong. I'm not 100% satisfied. That figures.

I took my mom to see a play last night to celebrate her birthday. Intimate Apparel at the Pasadena Playhouse. It was surprisingly very sad. The main character was a 35 year old African American seamstress in 1905 New York who'd been working since the age of 9 and had never really felt loved or that she belonged anywhere. She was saving her money to open a beauty parlor and was jealous of the girls she knew who were getting married and seemed happy. Her two main confidants were a rich, sad, married white woman and a black prostitute. Anyway, she believes she has found love when a man she'd never met began writing her letters from Panama. And having never laid eyes on him nor ever hearing his voice, she eventually agrees to marry him like a desperate fool. Shortly after they're married it becomes obvious that he isn't who she expected him to be. He's verbally abusive, unloving, and she even learns that he is cheating on her with her prostitute friend. And in one last desperate attempt at love, she breaks down and allows him to talk her into giving him all of her life savings. Money that was earmarked for her dream to open a beauty parlor. Of course, he never returns and she ends up living back in the rooming house she'd started in, trying to etch out a dream that is now much farther away than before. During all this, it's obvious that she and the Jewish man that she buys fabric from have developed feelings for one another. But it's 1905, he's white, she's black, and his family has already arranged for him to marry a woman he's never met who lives in another country. Although sad, the actors did a fantastic job and the set and vintage lingerie was absolutely whimsical.

:)

I love the fine lines that I am developing around my eyes, the twang in my voice that doesn’t quite say where I come from, my belly, my curves, my feet, my round face, the way I hold my mouth when I’m deep in thought, the way I cook, live, and love. There is nothing about me that annoys me or that I cannot live with. I see my vast potential clearly, as well as how great I already am, so I don’t feel the need to worry myself with trying to convince someone else of all this. I’m extremely lovable :) If no one ever sees it, that’s their loss, not mine. I’ve tried explaining this to a friend of mine but she doesn’t get it. She clearly does not fully accept or view herself as whole, poor thing. The other day I received a chain email and since I’m a wee bit superstitious, I followed the instructions on this one before I deleted it. After reading all the way to the bottom of the email, it requested that I, the reader, make a wish for whatever it is that I want the most right now, or else the opposite will come true. I silently made a wish and it was not for a companion, lol. Although it did occur to me that others might expect me to wish for a man. I know better, though. No man could possibly make me any happier than I already am. And if I should find someone whose happiness is MY happiness, well, that would be fantastic! That would just make me even more awesome and fortunate than I already am… although, I’m hardly complaining over my current bounty of good fortune. People are people; none of us is Prince or Princess Charming. And finding someone who won’t disappoint, whose idiosyncrasies you can live with, who is like-minded and has all of the qualities that you need in a mate, is a real bitch. Fools rush in.


There was a time when I used to wonder if my ex was as good as it gets. I was judging him through someone else’s eyes, though, not my own. It took me years to realize that I could never know whether or not he is the best I could do because I won’t get to date every man I could potentially date and compare him to. And that’s fine with me because what I DO know is that he was no longer making me happy and life is primarily about being happy. I was downright miserable with that controlling man. Then one day I decided to shut out others’ worthless opinions about my happiness and listened to my own truth, which said that I would be happier on my own than with him. So I decided to go and, lo and behold, I found peace. Imagine that. So if he had been the cream of the crop that would have been really disheartening if I didn’t already love myself above all else. Anyway, I like the idea that I don’t have to do or be or please anyone but me (although pleasing others does, in fact, sometimes please me. Either way, it all comes back to me :) ). I understand that loving me is more than what some people are capable of. That’s why I don’t want to trouble myself with anyone who isn’t open to really trying.

Foreign businessmen

I returned the video cameras I'd purchased and was going to place outside my house to spy on potential criminals with, like my neighbors.  The instructions were written in broken English.  I couldn't understand what the hell I was supposed to be doing with those cameras and, while reading the instruction manual and having flashbacks of my last unfavorable dealings with the Chinese over a pair of fake Ugg boots, I suddenly wanted my $205 dollars back, immediately.  I submitted my request for a refund through Amazon and, as expected, I got an email wanting to know why I wanted my money back:

 Sorry for the inconvenience caused by this.
>    Did you feel difficult to setup it up? Here have a video of how to setup and set the remote viewing for your information:

Also, we can arrange our tech-support to contact to help you solve the problem you meet. Did you need our tech-support to help you ?

Yeah, no. I can't do business with a business that sends emails like this. If I can't understand you, we cannot communicate properly. And if we cannot communicate properly, someone will be misunderstood.  And if one of us misunderstands the other, then I have no faith that my needs will be met, therefore, you aren't getting my money.  Furthermore, if I suspect that you are operating in another country, I will assume that you can and will run off with my money leaving me high and dry with no legal leg to stand on. How can I force someone in China to give me my money back? Psht, I won't be waiting around for that answer, sorry.
If I happen to change my mind about installing surveillance cameras around my house I'll go buy them from Costco, instead.  So my neighbors are safe from my wrath...for now.

Ass, ass, ass, make that ass clap. Drop it to the floor, make that ass shake

Just about every day I’ve been making a lunch time hike all the way across campus to the cafeteria hoping to run into a guy who clearly isn’t interested in me.  Haha. He’s just so good to look at.  I have no idea if he’s gay, straight, or married.  Nor do I know whether he’s a doctor, nurse, or technician.  I just spotted his magnificent ass (literally, his posterior) slightly bent over a hot tray of green beans one day when I was perusing the cafeteria, hungry as hell, looking for something edible. *ahem.  He was wearing light blue scrubs that day so, just like pajamas, the fabric left little to my imagination.  Firm, perfectly shaped and absolutely poppable, it was. Later I noticed that he is also tall with a nice chest and arms.  So either he is a gym rat or he comes from the loins of Adonis. Either way, I’m thankful.  I was on my cellphone that day and when I’d finally gotten in line to pay for my food, I saw him standing at the cutlery dispenser machine, facing me.  He must’ve felt my eyes all over him because he looked up and for just a moment, we locked eyes.  I was staring, he glanced and turned away.  No worries, though. I don’t know enough about him to take offense or be bothered by it.  All I know is that he is a feast for my eyeballs and I’d like to see him again. Yum. 

Much ado about nothing

I did nothing I set out to do yesterday afternoon. I’d written a list of things to do before leaving work yesterday. It was my only free afternoon/evening until Friday of this week so I wanted to be productive. Yet I got home and did none of what I’d planned to do. Well, I cooked dinner, that’s about the only thing from my list that got done. Sad, aint it? My dog distracts me, he’s just SO CUDDLY! © Little girl from Despicable Me. Plus the 2nd Presidential debate was on TV and I wanted to see it since I’d missed 75% of the first one. I have to get a strong hold of my time. All I seem to be doing is wasting it nowadays and that’s not good for all these plans I have. Granted, I don’t want to run myself ragged – going to work every day and then filling my evenings every night with things other than eating and resting – but I’ve got to do something. I can’t sit around waiting for things to happen to me. I want way too much. My supplemental property tax bill arrived in the mail yesterday, too, and even though I have my mortgage company take out a little with my monthly payment all year long, that high number on the bill still sank my stomach. I hate that I have to pay damn near 5k a year on property taxes on my little old house. So, of course, I checked to see if property values had declined in my area so that maybe I could be reassessed for a smaller amount, but no dice. It seems real estate is making a major rebound here. Dah well. I hear that interest rates are the lowest they’ve been in YEARS but I don’t know enough about refinancing to feel confident doing so. Too much to do and learn, and there’s no room at the top of my list for learning how to refinance right now, unfortunately. But no complaints here. I’m alive and well and moving and shaking. Life is good.

I think I'm coming down with something.  Either that or I am majorly exhausted.  My eyes burn and ache deep in their sockets.  That can't be good.  Today I drove all the way out to Thousand Oaks to visit a friend and hang out with a few other women.  One hour driving 70 mph in one direction.  It was indeed a trek.  But she's worth it.  It just sucks that the best of my friends are always so far away in this stretched out city. The drive back at 6 p.m. was beautiful, watching the sunlight leave its final streaks across hills, valley's and mountains. We sat outside by the pool, sipping various drinks, eating Thai food, watching her two bunnies hop around, and talking for hours.  I'm hoping that's why my eyes hurt and it's not because I'm coming down with something. I have too much to do to be sick right now.  No time to be out of commission.
I'm thinking about cutting all of my hair off and starting over.  I haven't lost my mind just yet, lol. I'm just trying to go natural and since I've been straightening my curls w/ a flat iron or some other type of heating device for the past 20 years, my hair is no longer as healthy as it used to be.  I've almost destroyed it so the curl pattern is not so much curly anymore.  It's wavy and straight and all out of whack.  In addition to having a healthy head of hair, I'd also like a healthier body so I'm going to slowly start to change my diet, which means I'm cutting out fast food first and foremost.  Eliminating sugar will undoubtedly be the hardest but I aim to do it.  I've gotten so out of shape and unhealthy, and I'd really rather not live my last days aching and paining or about to die of a heart attack.  I need my stamina and my waistline back.  I don't want to be a whale.
It's 10:30.  I can't fight it any longer; I'm going to bed.

My mom called at 10 am to say they'd be over by noon. I'd just sat up in bed at 10 am. It's a Sunday, I really dont feel like entertaining. I have too much to do today. Stuff that I didnt get done yesterday because they threw me off, calling me up at 8am to say that they'd be over by 10am so that I could help rent a car. I'm slightly annoyed and dont want to be bothered. So I called my mom back and asked if they could come by at 4pm instead, I have too much to do. She said okay. Now I'm on the gotdamn clock and have to make sure I'm done with everything I need to do by 4 friggin o'clock. Ugh. I hate being rushed, especially on my weekends. I spend all week rushing around until I finally go to bed; the last thing I want to do is spend my weekends rushing around. I havent been to the farmers market snce we got our dog in June. I havent been on a leisurely walk around my neighborhood by myself, without a dog pulling me since June. I'm tired of this shit. Yesterday I spent $101 dollars at Petco. All I bought was dog food and snacks for one dog. Clearly, I need to be in the dog business. My house never stays clean now that my son has graduated and hasnt found a job but adopted a needy dog, instead. I feel like I've started parenting all over again. I'm fantasizing about the day when they both move out and I can redecorate without them messing stuff up. I might even be able to buy a light colored sofa. I love everyone I'm complaining about but whats love got to do with it? Love is why I'm frustrated. If it werent for love, I wouldnt be $101 dollars lighter and complaining about it, I'd have a light colored sofa, and I'd have my weekends and farmers market runs back. I'd better get up, shower, wash blow dry and flat iron my hair, so that I can run to Target, Ralph's, Marshall's, Ross, the ATM, and the UPS store before 4 o'clock. Next weekend, I'm taking my life back.

I used to have a neighbor whose husband beat her almost daily.  Her name was Nicky and this was back when I lived in an apartment with my mom during my teens.  Nicky and her husband’s bedroom was directly below mines so I could often hear him punching and kicking her, yelling and berating her, even calling her mother on the phone to tell her what an awful daughter she had, all while Nicky cried and moaned.  Some days she wouldn’t come outside. I think it was because he didn’t want people to see her bruises.  But then, when she did emerge from their dirty apartment she was usually giggly, jovial, and all smiles.  And she had a really wide mouth so those smiles were huge, even despite her missing a few teeth.  She and I had become friends probably because we were somewhat close in age – she was 21 and I was going on 16. I remember she once told me that she loved sucking her husband’s breasts and found him to be incredibly sexy.  He looked like a gross, potbellied, stinky ogre to me, hair always unkempt and t-shirt always dingy.  She had two small children at the time, both under 24months old, and the four of them lived in that apartment with her mother-in-law, who never said a word about her son beating Nicky.  In fact, no one did until one day word on the block was that the neighborhood gang members were planning to catch Tom, her husband, and beat him. Tom heard about this so he stayed locked inside their apartment for weeks.  I can’t remember if I had ever asked Nicky why she stayed with him.  I probably didn’t at age 15/almost 16, but I think I might now, at age 37.  I just came to believe that there was something about their toxic relationship that she loved.  Maybe it was the passion of the beatings, all of her senses fully engaged, that made it a drug for her.  Adrenaline is addictive, isn’t it?  They’d usually end up having sex afterwards.  Or maybe she had never known love any other way.  I figured it wasn’t for me to understand.  After they moved away I often wondered about her, hoping he hadn’t killed her or put her in the hospital, hoping that their children were safe and happy.  Clearly, I still wonder.

Graham crackers for breakfast

Because I can’t bring myself to walk all the way across campus to the cafeteria for pancakes or French toast. It’s one of those mornings. So glad it’s Friday, though. And the first day of fall is tomorrow :) I’m so ready for hot cocoa and fuzzy socks, comfort food, dreary days and blustery nights. I’m planning to have my crock pot and oven doing overtime as soon as it the temperature drops. It’s cooler than it has been but not cool enough to crank up the oven. Last night both my son and I had to leave our puppy for 3 hours, alone at home in his crate and he was so utterly distraught. His front paws were soaked up to the joints with his drool and his heart was pounding by the time I’d come home to let him out. And then, he was so worked up, that he ran all through the house and outside into the yard. I hate when he’s like this. It’s so hard leaving him and not being able to calm his fears. He’s such a sweet, obedient puppy, he doesn’t even bark at us. This weekend I’m going to try to train him to be alone in the house without us. I just don’t know if he’ll be able to stay inside without being in his kennel and not destroying the place. I’ve become so attached to him.

My neighbros are scallywags

They are absolutely despicable human beings who have the nerve to go to church faithfully every Sunday. Or maybe they’re getting dressed up and pretending to go, haha. They certainly need to. Repent, you bastards! Anyway, a couple of weeks ago the dad had the nerve to try to wave at me. Don’t wave at me unless you’ve got my thousand dollars, you rat bastard. His elderly father sideswiped my parked 2012 car on the very first day of my vacation in July. How do I know? Because I hadn’t left the house all day – I was on vacation – and when I did finally go outside to leave, it was just after his father had left and his kids said “that looks like grandpa’s paint” on my car. We share a driveway with nothing in between us. Two days later my lousy neighbor went out and put an alarm on that tuna can of a Honda he rides around in, which aint nothing but guilt. 5 years I’ve lived next door to him and he’s just now deciding he needs an alarm on that raggedy ass piece of shit car with a million dents and scratches on the sun-scorched paint job? Really!?!? And last night I caught that sneaky asshole hiding in the dark crouched down between my car and his wifes mini van doing something. If it weren’t for Axl begging me to take him out into the front yard, and my neighbors young son saying “hey dad! Whatcha doin’?” all loud, I wouldn’t have even noticed him stooped down in the dark quietly shielding a big spotlot. So today I ordered a surveillance system from Costco. That’s right; I am putting cameras up around my house and if I see one funky act or even him loitering around my property suspiciously, my entire wrath will come down upon his square-assed head.

Another Halloween is approaching.  This holiday is always the most memorable to me because something dramatic happens around it almost every year.  The last two Halloweens, my ex tried to reconcile.  The first time I wasn’t feeling it.  The second time I gave it a shot and we failed miserably. This year, there’s no chance in hell either of us will even be speaking to one another, let alone trying to reconcile.  But I still love this holiday so I’m not going to let the past ruin it for me.  I’m not dressing up this year, unless I manage to find a party to attend. But I do hope to hand out candy for once.  When I first bought my house in ’08, I was so excited about the prospect of giving out candy.  I bought tons of it, too.  Only to discover that folks these days suck at Halloween and all the kids stick to one street simply because their parents are too lazy and paranoid to do it the right way.  As you may have guessed, it’s not my street that they venture to, it’s Orange Grove Blvd.  Droves of parents drive and park, drive and park, all up and down that street while their children knock on 10 to 20 doors begging for candy.  And then they go home and that’s that.  So if I want to give out candy I’m going to have to go to someone else’s house this year.  But Halloween lands on a Wednesday, so more than likely I’ll just be home chilling with my dog.  Or shit, maybe I’ll take him out for a walk so he can get excited and try to clobber all the children we encounter.  He’s an extremely excitable dog. On his profile at doggy day care it states “Axl is a goofy puppy and should be placed in a group with similar puppies and older dogs that can gently correct him, but not overly-correct him.”  I took him there today and he was on level ten with his excitement. Poor pooch could barely control himself.  He really likes being around his own kind. 

If I Had A Boyfriend Right Now...

...we'd be making plans to go to this tomorrow - A Taste of Old Pasadena! Enjoy a walking sampling tour of the best Old Pasadena restaurants in one evening! Over 30 restaurants are participating, this is going to be so fun! More info here: http://www.oldpasadena.org/gc_calendar_detail.asp?cal_id=2148 Then after that, we'd go check out a movie with drinks at Goldclass Cinemas. Or maybe just back to my house to sleep. For the fall, and the first rain/snow, we'd have reservations to stay in a cabin up near Mt Baldy. We'd pick up groceries and movies on the way up so we wouldnt need to leave the cabin for anything except to maybe watch a sunset or the stars at night. Or maybe we'd be making plans to go to the lake for some fishing and canoodling, and what-not. If I had a boyfriend right now, we'd be catching each other up on Dexter and all of our other weekly shows. I'd get to try all these new tricks I've been practicing in my head on imaginary Dhani Jones and imaginary Michael Ealy. I've gotten pretty good at them. Who knows how much longer I'll have to use them. I damn sure aint getting any younger. My boyfriend would like my dog and wouldnt mind chilling with him when I need to take The Boy somewhere that I cant lug the dog. And because he cares about me, he'd be willing to go to Disneyland for Mickey's Annual Halloween Haunt with me. If not there, then a hayride or something. Hey, at least I wouldn't ask him to dress up...this year :) I love this time of year when the weather dips and the days are shorter. The only thing I miss is having someone to snuggle up indoors with.

It's been a while

I haven’t really been in the mood to write about my life or anything, really.  A lot has happened, of course. I’m still living J  Went to a cool concert at the Hollywood Bowl to see Jeffrey Osborne, Freddie Jackson, Mindi Abair, Euge Groove, etc., The Boy graduated (did I post about that? I don’t recall), and I got a new fence…um, that’s all I can think of that’s noteworthy to me.  Oh, and a friend of mines got married and other one got engaged.  Other than that, I’ve just been piddling around, a hermit for the most part. I haven’t wanted to get out and do anything. Or, nothing I’ve been invited to do has appealed to me, and now it’s beginning to weigh on me.  I need to get out and meet some people.  I’m starting to miss black folks, lol.  I realized this a few weeks ago when I took The Boy to get a haircut in north Pasadena up near Altadena.  I went to drop him off but I wanted to ask the new barbers how much they would charge, so I parked the car and went inside with him and his friend Kai.  The looks I got from those men were blush-worthy.  Boy had I missed that.  I had been feeling so old and undesirable. And all it took was a pair of yoga pants, flip flops and a tank top, and a drive to the other side of town to remind me that I still got it.  Then, the other day while I was on the phone with my mom, my cousin stopped by her house to bring her a plate of fried fish and oysters, which also made me miss “home.” I could practically smell that delicious fish through the telephone.  Black men and fried fish is what I need in my life right now. Ha. I’m thinking about putting the dog in the car, driving up the hill to Altadena/north Pasadena, and getting out and walking him around a few blocks in my yoga pants, lol.

Move, dog

This dog of mine is a bug-a-boo. He follows me around the house licking my legs (especially if I’ve just showered and I’m still wet) or whatever body part of mine happens to be closest to his mouth. He rides my heels all through the house, sits on me with his unwiped butt and lays on me whenever I am on the couch. He doesn’t make a sound except for when he’s yawning or the pitter patter of his toe nails on the hardwood floor when he’s moving about. He whines from time to time like toddlers do, and he only barks when he sees another dog, is frustrated, or scared. Since he broke out of his last metal kennel and hurt himself in the process, I bought him a plastic kennel like the ones pets travel in on planes. He sleeps in it fine but has a fit when he gets locked inside and/or left alone in it. For some reason, he really wants to sleep in my room at night instead of in my sons room. But doggy farts are ferocious, they’ll wake you up at night and keep you up in disgust. Plus, he sometimes has weird dreams that prompt him to bark or yelp in his sleep, which is startling. So he is not allowed to sleep in my room anymore and this seems to sadden him. Oh well! I look at him and hope that sooner or later he understands that life is full of disappointments. He’s a smart puppy though. He knows that I leave for work every morning so he tries his best to make me stay. He barrels through the house, following me from room to room and won’t even go outside to play because he thinks that if he sticks by my side that I won’t be able to leave his sight. Poor thing. Sorry, Poochie, mama’s gotta make a living. We have to find a way to teach him that if I don’t go to work I won’t have money to feed him or buy him toys. Right now he’s likely just thinking that I’m abandoning him for a very long time every day and he’s becoming increasingly pissed about it. He barked at my son for no apparent reason yesterday and was trying to get tough. Google says that he’s going through the “terrible teens” but my boy wasn’t having it. He locked him inside his crate. Then after I’d taken him for his evening walk, he came into my room and was frustrated because he couldn’t climb into my bed with me (it’s too high up off the floor) so he barked and barked and got thrown into my sons room for the rest of the night. I don’t have the patience for aggravated small children or frustrated dogs, those days are LONG gone. So this is going to have to change and soon. I like him and all, and I think he’s a cool little dog but I haven’t the patience for his tantrums at all. I’d much rather save my money, my carpet, my yard, and my sanity than have to deal with his shenanigans so he’d better get it together if he knows what’s best for him. Maybe he’s not that smart after all.  Shit, I just spent $60 on a bag of dog food alone, yesterday.  And that money was FELT in my wallet.  Since we rescued him I've had a running tab in my head and he's not anywhere near worth as much as I've spent on him.  Pet ownership is worthless.  Especially since, as tough as some people think he is as a pitbull, I know full damn well that he'd sooner lick an intruder to death than attack him.

Here he is w/ his squeaky bunny toy

my tree's hate this guy ^^^

Rosebowl Flea Market

After living more than 15 years of my life in Pasadena I finally went to the RoseBowl Flea Market to see what it is all about. I’d heard tales of it being phenomenal, humongous, filled with wall-to-wall deals and action, and I’d even seen glimpses of it on some of my favorite HGTV shows, but I still wasn’t prepared for it all this past Sunday as I strolled in carrying my Japanese wagasa (bamboo and paper-painted parasol) to protect me from the hot August sun. Every inch of that giant stadium was occupied by a vendor selling something and everything, from food to furniture, to unique, vintage and new items. And with the heat following me around like a nagging, whiny child, there was no way in hell I could see it all in one scorching day. I probably didn’t even see 25% of it. After spending an hour traipsing in that sun I began panting and feeling like heat-stroke was creeping up on me. But I did score. I found a cute, red and white collapsible picnic basket for $10! And the one I’ve been eyeing for months that’s regularly priced $150 was there, too, for only $55!! But I have no need for it right now so I’m debating whether or not to go back and get it for later. I’ll use the red $10 collapsible one I bought for my trip to the Hollywood Bowl this month since the seating there is cramped and won’t comfortably allow a big wicker basket with glasses, tableware, and ceramic plates inside. I also bought some acrylic paints and got a free ticket to the fair just for going to the flea market; another excuse to have fun. I collected a few business cards from vendors selling unique stuff that I might want to buy later. Two of them are online, thankfully. I’ll wait until it cools down a bit to go back and check out the rest of the joint. Then I’ll be more prepared to haul all of my purchases in a rolling shopping cart like I saw a lot of other people doing.

A funny thing happened after my stay-cation a couple of weeks ago. I became inspired to go on “vacation” every chance I get, even during my workweek and especially during my weekends. After all, why should I reserve living for just one to two weeks per year when I’m alive all year? I no longer have the responsibility of taking care of a child. My only responsibilities are going to work, feeding and walking the dog (and that’s really not even my responsibility, it’s my sons), and making sure my soon-to-be 18 year old son doesn’t veer off course every now and then. I have more freedom now than I’ve had in 18 years and, at first, I wasn’t quite sure what to do with it all. So I started a list. And that “list of things to do” during this last vacation ended up extending well beyond my two weeks off and I’ve taken to finishing what I didn’t get to accomplish from the list, picking up where I left off once work began again, and adding new things to it practically every day, as well. Some people come to California for a vacation. I LIVE here all year long so, essentially, I can have a vacation every hour I am away from work. And since I work roughly 40hours per week that leaves about 128 hours of vacation time remaining for me to enjoy J And there are soooooo many things to do in here. Skiing, wine tasting, kayaking, hiking, surfing, sand castle building, Channel Island hopping, sight-seeing… the list goes on and on and on! No need to wait until I have a stretch of time off from work again, or until my money is “right.” It may never be “right” lol. So long as my bills are paid and my fridge is stocked and I have some KMA (kiss my ass) money in the bank, my money is perfect. That’s all I need to maintain in order to live happily and relatively secure, which is what I am all about – happiness and security.

*This is sort of an addendum to the post below it.

At 2am this morning I’d had enough of my dog stinking up my bedroom with his gas so I decided to get up and let him out to relieve himself, and while outside I happened to glance up at the sky and got a remarkably clear view of our closest constellations, despite all the light pollution coming from my neighbors’ security spotlight. Nothing but the stillness of a black speckled sky and the sound of a bloated old cricket to keep us company as Axl rooted around in the backyard for the perfect spot to take a poop. It reminded me that I need to go stargazing before the end of this month so I added it to the long list of things I want to do before my social life comes to a slow crawl in September. So far, I’ve checked off 5 items from that list: happy hour sushi with drinks outdoors, free jazz in the park, catching a movie with lemonade, skinny fries and sliders at Gold Class Cinemas (I’m doing that again, though, as soon as Taken 2 comes out), checking into a hotel where I swam, relaxed and ordered room service, and a spa pedicure (this may also be repeated). Other things listed are:
• a pier rollercoaster ride,
• make cotton candy,
• make ice cream,
• paint front door yellow,
• go to the Aquarium of the Pacific,
• catch an outdoor movie,
• enjoy my new fenced in front yard,
• thrift shop and flea market hunt,
• get a massage,
• attend a concert at the Hollywood Bowl (already got tickets),
• beach bonfire
• etc.

All of this will certainly make the most of what’s left of the summer, before fall arrives and the days get shorter, colder, and more harried with my upcoming schedule. It’s kind of like filling up on joy and stockpiling for later. Seeing the stars always makes me happy and whimsical and the sky last night totally filled me up in that brief moment that I was able to look up and see them… before I had to chase and, ultimately, cajole Axl back into the house with doggy treats. I knew I should have taken him out on a leash. He just ruined his chance to go to the dog park. Crazy dog.

Did I even take a vacation?

I can't even remember anymore.  I've been back at work for one week and it feels like I never left.  Let alone for two whole weeks!  When's my next break from this monotony, Christmas? Bleh.  This is not how I want my life and I never couldve imagined living it this way.  I am about to grind harder than ever before to make changes and change habits because things have got to change.  I can't go on living this way. It's killing me slowly.  Painstakingly slow.  I sit all day long and then I get home and I'm too tired to do anything.  What the hell kind of sense does that make?  Better yet, what kind of LIFE does that make??  Exhausted from sitting and typing.  Pathetic!  My reason for being is not to sit on my ass all day in front of a computer, obeying its every command.  Surely, I was meant for much more than that.  And if I ever hope to get and enjoy my own home in Hawaii before I'm either too old or dead, I'd better start making changes right now.  The first change I've made thus far is that I haven't shopped (except for doggy toys and miscellaneous puppy necessities.  Who knew I'd fall in love with a dog!?!?) in about a month, and I plan to keep this trend going.  The second is I've enrolled in school and plan to hit the books hard for the next couple of years, or until my goal is reached; whichever comes first.  The third and most difficult is, although I am struggling immensely with it, I have managed not to eat out (on my own dime) for a month.  I've been cooking and getting more creative with my meals.  Oh, and now that I am a dog owner, I go for walks/runs more often.  At first I called myself walking the dog but I quickly realized that he was walking ME!  In fact, he runs me.  My two long legs are no match for his four short ones.  As soon as I open the front door he's trying to drag me down the street.  And he's only 8 months old.  I can only imagine how difficult it will be to walk with him when he's older and stronger.  By then I'd better either be yoked up with muscles or have someone else doing it.  Maybe I'll hire a dog walker when that happens.   (And yes, he is in puppy training for that.  And yes, I know how to walk my dog. I just allow him a loose enough leash to roam and smell all the flowers and bushes he wants to stick his little nose in. I draw the line at poop sniffing, though.  And crosswalks. And jumping on passerbys). 
My raison detre has changed.  Or better still, it has dawned on me that I am not living the life I was intended to live.  The one that would make me happiest.  I'm more mindful of my future now and what's most important to me, what matters. I've sifted through more than enough bullshit to come to that understanding.  Most people I know...don't matter, lol.  Most people I don't know...don't matter.  What matters is my health, happiness, safety, and security, and within those buckets are a few people I know, more money in my accounts, longer walks with my dog, and this beautiful, wondrous planet I live on.  Viva la vacacion!

Sometimes I wish someone had neutered ME

The men in my life don't like that I had my 8 month old puppy neutered.  They think I should have had his ears cropped instead. The way I see it I rescued him from death at a shelter, so  his purpose in life is not to fight (ear cropping is common with fighting dogs) or procreate (contributing to more unwanted puppies being euthanized), it is to live peacefully and happily as my family dog, spoiled and well taken care of.  Thursday he was neutered and by Friday morning he was playing as though nothing at all had occurred.  We had to stop him from running and jumping and rough housing his toys so that he wouldn't reopen his incision.  The most anguish he had was over us leaving him with strangers in a cage.  He slept through the surgery and woke up with a cone attached to his collar.  Now, his raison de'tre is to play, eat, sleep, and be happy.  What could be better than that?  He won't have the sexual desires that frustrate other dogs and human, alike.  He won't risk life and limb getting to a dog in heat (95% of dogs hit by cars are un-neutered male dogs roaming around looking for sex).  He has no idea what a dog in heat is or what it's like to mate with one (he's a virgin) so he'll never miss sex.  At first, the men I know had me feeling sort of like a bad puppy parent.  But then I went to Google (and utilized rational thought) and I realized that Axl, my dog, is better off without his testes.  In fact, I sort of envy him. If someone had neutered me, I wouldn't have put up with all of my past lovers' bs, I wouldn't go through the same annoying motions over and over again with new lovers, and I wouldn't hope to find what doesn't exist.  Instead, I'd be so much more productive, I'd have no pms, and no fear of STD's or unwanted pregnancies. I'd be a perpetually happy, financially secure, and highly educated woman with no unnecessary distractions.
Lol, this is all tongue-in-cheek, of course.  

I went to the beach with my family on Sunday. My uncle is in town visiting us so we all got together for the day. On our way back to our cars to leave I walked down the wrong street and got turned around. When I finally found my way again I saw my cousin, my mom and my two year old niece about a block away from me so I called out to them. My niece jumped down from my mothers arms and screamed my name then started running towards me smiling :) it was the sweetest thing ever. People driving by stopped to watch us running towards one another and her leap into my arms and hug and kiss me, asking me where I'd been and me explaining that I'd gotten lost, lol. As if we hadn't seen each other in years. It was, indeed, a Kodak moment. I live for these moments. That was love in action. I need more of it. In fact, I need a romance (whats new, right?). I'm way overdue for one (one year past due, to be exact). My reserves are just about depleted and theres no gatdamn Romeo in sight. There's been a handful of suitors but none that move me. I've been settling out of boredom, hoping for a spark to fire things up, but no such luck. My cousins birthday is Friday and she wants to go out. I just bought a strapless red dress and a gorgeous gold, drapey necklace full of different sized disks that i plan to wear. I'm hopeful but doubtful that anything worthwhile will occur. In any event, I'll certainly be looking cute.

You know how I know I’m pms’ing? I went to the grocery store the other day (Von’s) to pick up some last minute items for the holiday shindig and the cashier asked me if I wanted to pay 10 cents each for brown paper bags and I became upset and embarrassed because I didn’t know they had stopped using plastic bags.  I told the bagger to just put my groceries back into the basket, un-bagged.  He didn’t even ask me if I wanted help out.  I’m making mountains out of mole hills, son.  A few days prior to that I had gone to Ralph’s grocery store and they asked me if I wanted 3 free reusable shopping bags and that made me happy.   Mole hills are becoming mountains.  Shits crazy.  My dog got super excited when my family arrived, which isn’t unusual except he seemed fixated on my two year old niece, probably because she’s about as low to the ground as he is.  So he kept nipping at her face and I had to grab him up in the collar like “chill dog!” which I felt bad about. And the baby gets all indignant and goes “Him wanna bite me!” But she said it in a “oh HELL no!” way that made everybody laugh.  Everything she says makes everybody laugh, actually.  It’s like we’re all still surprised that she can talk and so well, and that she knows full well what’s going on around her based on her unexpected responses to stuff.  I was happy to have plenty of mouths to feed and was hoping that my buffalo chicken enchiladas (recipe found on Pinterest) were a hit. Otherwise I might’ve been devastated.  This is what pms does to me.  It makes me care about things that I should just brush off and not make a big deal out of, that I wouldn’t give a damn about any other time.  I hate this shit, making me all emo and hostile.  What the hell do I care if people like my free food or not?  Ugh.  Then I hopped on Facebook to catch up on unimportant updates (you know it's bad when you go looking for trouble on Facebook) and became annoyed that this guy I used to like was behaving like an attention whore (the irony, right?), talking about modeling, posting old pics of himself when he was cute and not corny, telling black women we’re beautiful.  Fuck out of here.  All of that was clearly to elicit a string of female replies because he hadn’t been getting many lately.  It’s no wonder though, he’s a bit ridiculous, always with the conspiracy theories, talking about the end of days and how he wants to leave this corrupt country but people aint ready.  Smh.  What a waste of a somewhat pretty face. Then I got slightly upset on Tuesday when Mr. Ed Choppers told me that my friend Paul was in rehab for using bath salts.  She was going on and on and on about him eating her face off which, for some reason, was pissing me off, lol.  I wanted to yell "STFU, B*TCH!" But instead I just forced a smile and listened.  Who the fuck would want to eat her face off?  She looks like Cruella Deville on crack.  Anyway, I’ve got to chill, I know this.  I need to be careful not to let this pms madness get the best of me.  I just need a few good naps and maybe a good read or to watch a romcom and meditate before things get too out of control.

Update: "Heel, Rex!!"

A couple of posts down I mentioned how we'd left our puppy in the backyard while we went to work. Well, my son went home during his lunch break and discovered the yard empty. He looked high and low, he called me, I panicked. I called my mom, she panicked. Within half an hour we'd made a missing puppy report with Animal Control and I'd driven home and broken several traffic laws in the process. But when I turned onto my street I saw my son carrying our puppy across the street from our neighbors' house. Long story short, they put him back in the yard and made him think he was left alone again. Thats when they witnessed him climb our chain link fence, lol. So basically, all this time he's been humoring us by staying in the yard whenever we're home and outside with him. He could've left whenever he felt like it. Smh. He climbed the fence super fast, too. Like he was walking up a wall. This is even more reason for me to hurry up and have the new fence installed.

Emptiness

Despite having a son, a dog, friends, and family, I often have this terrible feeling of emptiness, as though I am alone and without the mental and physical stimulation that human beings need. I live in a decent home on a decent street in a decent town. I have a well-behaved (as puppies go) puppy. I have a well-behaved and easy going, son. So why do I feel like something’s missing? I rarely felt this way with Reg and I can’t stop reminding myself of that. Although, part of me knows that I’m just romanticizing the last year or so of the 15+ years that we spent together, and empty is exactly how I felt a lot of the time I spent with him prior to that. It wasn’t until we moved apart into different residences did I become mentally stimulated by him. We’d go to museums, gourmet pizza parlors, to get ice cream, brownies, breakfast… even a weekend getaway to Pechanga Hotel and Casino on his dime (a one-time event but never forgotten, nonetheless). But those instances weren’t often, which might be why they stand out, and when I think about it we’d just started barbecuing when I bought my house 3 years ago even though it seemed like that was something we'd always done. So I guess what I’m missing and craving is the companionship that I had briefly with him that I cannot get from my well-behaved, easy going son, my well behaved puppy, or my family and friends. 15+ years later and THEN he decided to behave like the man I’d needed him to be all along, after I’d left him. Isn’t that always how it goes, though? Ha. So really I’m not missing him, he reminded me of that when he got on my nerves the last time I tried hanging out with him. There were more bad times to fill the space between those rare and unforgettable good times.  What I’m missing is that brief glimpse I got of what he could’ve been and what I’d always wanted him to be. So for this 4th of July holiday I think I will imagine my life as I’ve dreamt it could be. I am going to fill up my wading pool, clean off my grill myself, and focus on being mindful of the decent things I have all around me, the possibilities for more, and the beauty that often goes overlooked and taken for granted in my life. I suspect the sun will be showing off a bit as it sometimes does in California this time of year and I intend to make note of it this time, soak it all in, let it go ham. I am going to acknowledge how fortunate I am and how much greater I can make things if only I put forth a bit more effort and paid more attention. You know how people always look happier in pictures than they did when the picture was actually taken? All smiles when really they were ambivalent the whole time about where they were, what they were doing and what was around them. They never even noticed until they looked at the big picture.  This isn’t always the case but when it is and you look back at those pictures and you see the things you passed off and didn't fully appreciate, you realize that you actually had a great time and should’ve been more in the moment, appreciating the gift that particular day had brung. Instead, you were too busy being unfocused to realize things were great until it was over.  Or you focus on the "over" part and can't fully enjoy the moment while it's happening and bringing you joy because you're busy worried about when the joy will come to an end. I did that about a week ago while hanging out at a bar with friends.  GREAT time, until I started thinking about going home. 
My life is actually pretty swell when I look back at pictures of it and reminisce.  I'm getting better at being in the moment, though I'm not fully there yet. 

Bad dog, Rex!

This is my favorite Charlie Brown and Snoopy movie, “Snoopy, Come Home.” In it, Snoopy has to escape an overzealous, crazy little girl who takes him in and names him “Rex” then abuses him with love, lol. Scroll to the 29:24 mark to see Snoopy and Woodstock get caught up, spanked, and choked out like a junkyard dog by this nutty little girl :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mj5Nm4Tf_rs&feature=related When my dog started to act out because he didn’t like being left alone, I was reminded of this movie and joked about spanking him, as well. “Heel, Rex!” Now, one week later I think I am finally getting used to dog ownership. Last week I pondered giving him away because his separation anxiety coupled with my "new responsibility anxiety" was too much for me to deal with. Prior to adopting him, every dog owner we know was a know-it-all dog expert. “Crate-train him,” they said. “Sure, you can leave a dog in the crate all day while you’re at work. He’ll be fine. Dogs love their crates, makes them feel safe and secure. It’s their den.” Why the hell I bothered listening to them is beyond me. A crate is essentially a cage and what sense does it make that a dog would actually enjoy being locked up inside a cage for hours every day, holding his pee and bored out of his wits? That’s irrational thinking and we soon realized that our dog did not like being caged at all. In fact, he hurt himself busting out of that thing on day two of being in it. Day one we came home to find him and everything inside the crate completely trashed. He’d ripped his toys, bedding, and everything else within reach to shreds and was not pleased to have been locked up. So we put him in the bathroom and returned a few hours later only to find he’d trashed the one thing we’d left in there with him – his bed. Then he peed on my carpet (5 times within one week). And every time one of us gets up to go anywhere within the house, he follows. Turning on the TV didn’t help him cope with being alone, neither did leaving him with an article of clothing that had my sons scent on it. He just ripped the scented hoodie to bits. But when we’re with him, caged or not, he’s a good, calm dog. He doesn’t chew on anything that isn’t his, he doesn’t bark, or do anything other than sleep, eat, walk around, and want to be rubbed down. So, since he freaks out whenever we leave him and we have to go to work and make a living, we decided to doggy-proof our backyard and buy him a dog house. He won’t go into the dog house for shit, lol, but he loves the backyard. He runs around as fast as he can, eats grass, rolls in the grass, and plays with whatever he can make a toy out of. Today was the first day we left him in the backyard by himself. He saw me drive off and my son said he scratched at the backdoor for a while wanting to be let in. Then he began to rip up my son’s old boxing gloves that were lying around outside. So now that we know he turns into the Tazmanian Devil when we leave him, there is no way he’s going to remain in my house while we’re gone because if I come home and my house is trashed by a crazy, anxiety-ridden dog, I will beat him like Rex/Snoopy and throw him out into the backyard for good. And I don’t want to do that. I just hope he gets over his separation anxiety fast so we can all stop worrying.

here he is being a good dog. He's 7months old, by the way.

Unrequited crushes suck. And I cant catch a break, it seems. If I'm interested, *he's not. If he's interested, I'm not. And round and round we go, getting nowhere. I'll be unhappy if I settle or if I don't. Although I'm sure I'd be even more unhappy if I settle. I'd much rather not torture myself. Being open to love, whether it ever comes or not, is much better than closing shop and settling. In other news, we got a dog. A 7month old pit terrier mix and he's a pretty good dog, as puppies go. He's already crate and house trained. He pulls the leash when walking and is becoming a little nippy, but thats minor compared to how destructive puppies can be. But it's only day 3. We'll have to wait and see how things go. The first night I had major anxiety and owners remorse. I was kicking kyself for giving in to my sons pleads to adopt him. But by the 3rd day I was fine and it was my sons turn to have owners remorse. He's feeling like a burdened new parent, like his freedom is gone and his puppy wont listen to him. I knew he had no idea what he was getting himself into. But at this point I've already invested over $700 into this dog so he'd better figure something out soon. I'll give him a few weeks and then we may have to have a talk about things. Clearly he didnt think about the 15 year responsibility this puppy would become. We shouldve gotten a much older dog. But it's whatever. We have Axl now.

Instead of being in the moment and enjoying it for what it was, I kept trying to live my fantasies, kept striving to change my reality into the one I'd always imagined, and before I realized it, 18 years had gone by and I'd practically missed them all. I regret waiting for the "right" time, waiting for the ideal situation, trying to plan a life instead of living one. To be fair, it wasn't easy to let go of those fantasies while fighting to survive, remain whole, to eat, and to raise a child and ensure that he had the best childhood I could muster with the money and time that I had. But I feel like I sort of missed it; 18 whole years gone and now it's too late to give him a sibling, a dog he can grow up with, I almost missed giving him a yard. By the skin of my teeth I'm here. I just wish I hadn't had to work so hard to get here. Going forward I plan to live more than I prepare for it. Because what a tragedy it would be if I was here, alive and able, yet I missed the entire event waiting for perfection. Today my son graduates from high school. To say that I am happy and relieved to see him reach this milestone is an understatement. I've literally dreamed of this moment for years. I've even pictured myself crying in the audience as he recieves his diploma and looks my way to smile and say "thank you." This was no walk in the park for me. This was harder for me than it was for him! And now he's here :) right on the precipice of completing something that was a very arduous and long time in the making and I could not be more proud and exhausted, lol. My job is done. I did it. Now I become his Parental Consultant :) It's time to celebrate. The frenzy to reach the finished line is over.

horrible day thus far

I spent the last two days in Las Vegas, Nevada with my son, my niece, and my mother, which was great until this morning. My mother and I had a bad argument so we left earlier than planned.  Then all 4 of the freeway entrances that I knew of going south on the 15 were closed. We spent an hour driving around Vegas because everyone we asked didnt know shit and there wasnt even ONE gatdamn sign offering a detour. Not one.  Then we finally made it home and discovered that Seth, my sons leopard gecko of 8 years had died :( My step dad dug a hole behind our garage and buried him in the box our ziplock bags came in. At press time, we are both still sad :(
I'd previously written much more but I decided to delete it. It's off my chest now, no need to air ALL of my laundry.

Anxiety, I has it. There is absolutely too much going on this month and too much on my mind. I just realized that our Vegas trip coincides with my sons finals week :(. Now I'm hoping and praying that his teachers allow him to take them early (like tomorrow or Wednesday) so that I dont lose upwards of $500 on this trip. And vacation is supposed to be stree-LESS. Psht! It doesnt help that I'm pms'ing a teensy bit, either. I'm up at 5am on my off day writing in a blog, for crying out loud. And I've been up since 3am. It seems that I worry about everything these days and it sucks. Somehow there are fleas in my backyard multiplying as I type this and I've no idea how to get rid of them. Google has been worthless in this regard. Plus, I'm afraid to go back there and even attempt to get rid of them, lest I become a meal to a thousand tiny vampires. Every little brush against my skin has me freaking out. OCD brushing and scratching, it's sick. It's what has me up at this insane hour on my off day. I was even dreaming about fleas. My son is in there sound asleep, and he will be until I wake him up at 10am. I wish I could still sleep lkke that. Being an adult is overrated. Being a single adult with no real or perceived parachute/safety net to hog the covers in bed with is also overrated. I think I'm finally ready to commit again. The trouble is finding someone worth it. Too many frogs and not nearly enough prince's. I've editted my KAM (Kameelah Assed List of SO requirements) to include strength. Confidence was already on there but I've realized that strength is major for me. I cannot be mentally stronger than my mate. Physically, maybe, but mentally, HELL no. If he has thin skin and a defeatist mentality, I wont be happy with him. No one can trust a wimp when times get hard and I need to be able to trust him. Wimps bail out, they don't persevere, they cannot be relied on. I am not a wimp. So, "No wimps" has made the top of my list. I'm already a mother to my son, I do not desire to be a mother to my man. And that right there eliminates many from my dating pool. Now, to be clear, when I say no wmps allowed I do not mean that I like assholes instead. Quite the contrary, I loathe assholes. What I mean is that I prefer kind, confident, unconditional strength. Not cocky, brash, dumb muscle heads. But he can be weak with me, of course :) Show his vulnerability, his humaness with me. Yep, thats what I need. Thats whats at the top of my list. Not money or looks, but strength. Alright, the sun is coming up. I'm going to try to get some zzz's before it's too late. My phone will be ringing by 9am, I'm sure.

The other day I attended a champagne party (pre-prom party) given by my good friend for her god daughter who is also her cousins daughter.  I believe the last time I saw this little girl, now 18, she was about 6 years old.  She still looked the same except she's taller, of course, and toting a pair of D cups.  She looked very much like a model and appeared very confident in her pink mini dress covered in jewels and with a silver organza ruffled train, posing like a diva.  My friend had her dress AND her shoes made and it was all quite the sight. When she walked out onto the pink carpet (the party was Barbie themed so there was a lot of pink) everyone went crazy snapping pictures and gawking.  And then, after about 20 straight minutes of picture taking, my friend turned to me and said "OMG! We forgot all about the little boy! Val, can you please go help him finish getting dressed?"  Of course I could and I was happy to.  Cute little boy, excited about his prom unlike my own boy, and he needed help with his bow tie and his boutineer.  When we were finished we both stood, me behind him, looking into the closet mirror smiling.  You had to be there, it was a pretty sweet moment.  Then we grabbed the corsage and headed outside while they played that Nikki Menage song ("I wish that I could have this moment for life..."), whatever it's called.
It was a great day in Gardena.  I couldn't believe how grown up all the kids looked.  Even squeaky voiced Dooter was tall and almost manly.  I hugged Kemarrea, with his big a**, and smiled at RoRo.  But what tripped me out was that it looked like these little boys were giving me googly eyes all day.  As I stood in line at the taco stand to get a couple of tacos, I watched RoRo, now a college freshman, walk over to some car parked across the street from the house. When he turned to walk back towards the house I'd turned my attention back to the taco man to place my order, so Ro didn't notice that I had noticed his new ride.  Probably a gift from Nana.  So he backed up and began a slower stroll away from the car and then hit the locks so the alarm would go off.  Lol, I looked up and he was staring at me.  And Dooter kept taking my picture.  His mom was going around telling everyone that her son was a photographer but I'm sure they didn't need a bunch of pictures of me.  So once all the hub-bub was over and most of the guests had left, there was just me, Kendrea, Tasha (the prom queens mom), Sherell, and Rachel left in the house talking about old times and discussing our plans for Kendrea's birthday in September.  As we were talking, Tasha's oldest son, now 23, walked in and sat down to talk with us.  At first I didn't recognize him.  He has a full beard now and stands about 5 foot 9 inches tall.  He mentioned something about wanting to go out with us and Rachel and Kendrea said something about cougars being at our hang outs, trying to discourage him from wanting to go.  I laughed right along and agreed that he wasn't "ready for no cougar," and that's when he pounced.  I was so not ready.  He scooted to the edge of his seat real quick, shot me a pair of bedroom eyes and asked me directly "what makes you think I'm not ready?"  I know that look so I started to stammer, caught completely off-guard.  He was trying to challenge me! He got up and walked over to me, extended his hand and said "don't you remember me?"  Puzzled and embarrassed, I shook his hand and he held on to mine.  Then Kendrea said "Val, that's RaeShawn, Tasha's son."
"OoooH, yeah!" I said, uncomfortable as hell.  "I can't believe how everyone has grown, wow!"
Meanwhile, he's still holding my hand, Tasha is looking bewildered and Rachel is cracking up laughing.  Then this kid says "So why don't you think I'm ready? I promise you I am," looking dead at me with all the confidence in the world, which, I have to admit was very sexy.  However, he still looked every bit of his age even with all that facial hair.  There is no way in this world I would entertain that child but I hate to admit he damn sure entertained me!
But bold, right!?  I asked him how old he was and then I told him "You're not ready because you haven't lived yet.  You don't want a cougar."  He wasn't quite convinced but I think the expression on my face made him finally release my hand. Then someone said "Yeah, you get with a cougar and you'll end up on Love Addiction, lol." Which is also true ;)
At that moment a bunch of people came in from outside and were talking about racing home to beat the Staples Center traffic, which was my cue to leave.  I got up and began hugging all of my girl's goodbye and RaeShawn rushed across the room to me smiling with his arms outstretched for a hug.  I laughed and hugged him and Tasha said "Alright now, y'all old broads better leave my son alone," laughing.  A mess.
So that is what I missed when I moved out here to Pasadena.  Kids grew up, more babies were born, folks got fat, and Andrea, Kendrea's mom, still loves me :)  

Looking out for numero uno

This morning I had to have a talk with my son.  I see in him a trait that I learned too late in life to reign in – the need to save everyone but myself.  Over the past two weeks he has been taking care of everyone but himself.  For instance, he played cupid and hooked up two of his best friends and now they are a couple who wants to come to my house and hang out all day and night snuggled up in each other’s arms on my couch.  Meanwhile, my son had studying and chores and other important things to do but he was too busy playing hostess and chaperone to them.  I had planned to spend the afternoon walking around in my drawls and then I wanted to take us out to dinner last night because I didn’t feel like cooking.  I told him this via text message, lol (the dinner part, not the drawls thing), and he assured me that his friends would be leaving soon.  So I waited in my bedroom.  An hour passed and my stomach was flipping and flopping, just outright having a tantrum, so I texted him again and said “do you just want to order a pizza for all of us?” but he insisted that his friends had eaten already and would be leaving soon.  ANOTHER hour passed and I was losing patience so I walked into the kitchen to fix myself a snack.  On the way, I peeked into the living room and saw my son sitting in the chair watching television while his friends were snuggled up together on my couch.  They did not appear to be leaving soon.  Ugh.  I took my yogurt back to my bedroom to brood.  By 8pm my shows were on and I damn sure didn’t want to leave the house but I was determined to eat something that my hands did not prepare so, after about 5 or 6 more text messages, I gave up and went to Carl’s Jr.  “Where are you going, mom?” he asked me as I grabbed my keys and was heading out the door. “I’ll be back,” I said, and split.  Those damn love bird friends of his didn’t leave until 9:30pm when my son and his guy friend walked his girl friend home.  Then he texts me from her house “Hey mom, Kayla’s mom hasn’t met Khyron yet so she’s making us food and wants to talk to him for a while.”  Exasperated, I told him that he’d better be home by 10:30 and not a minute later.  I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer so I fell asleep, but at 10:30 on the nose my son came to wake me up to ask me if Khyron could spend the night.  His grandmother promised to pick them both up in the morning and take them to school.  Fine.  I like Grandma Betty and Khyron, and I’m sure poor Grandma Betty didn’t feel like climbing out of her bed either, to come and pick Khyron up at 10:30.  But then, at 1:30am, I woke up and saw lights on in the living room.  “Khryon wanted to talk,” Miles told me.  “If you don’t take your butt to bed…!” I yelled. “Y’all have to be at school in 6 hours.”  Meanwhile, my sleep rhythm was all off and I was irritable.  Then, at 4am I had to pee and noticed that the TV was on in the living room.  Khryon had it on mute but the flashing light was still a bother.  Is this kid afraid of the dark? I wondered.  I turned off the tube on my way back from the bathroom and crawled back into bed with a million thoughts on my mind, and with every intention to have a talk with my son about his responsibility to himself.  Dios mio, what a night.  The only reason I didn’t flip all the way out is because the test he needs to study for is tomorrow and he did a bit of studying the day before yesterday (prior to having his friends over) and can do more tonight.  But this morning I told him that he’s going to have to put everyone else on the backburner until school is out and move himself to the forefront.  No more of this fixing people up like he’s Chuck Woolery.  I want my house back and I want my son to take better care of himself.  And I want the option to walk around in my drawls, an old oversized t-shirt, and some mismatched socks.

Rambling

I want an Ahi tuna salad from Louise’s Trattoria. It’s drizzling outside, gloomy and cold, just the way I like it and I’m happy. I got rid of some dead weight recently and now I feel so much lighter. Removing negativity from my life was a fantastic move. It’s added fuel to my glee. I can’t imagine anything better than not having your thoughts interrupted with malice. I don’t know why I didn’t do this sooner (yes, I do, I’m too forgiving). Anyway, I’m much more inspired and productive today. I’ve been jotting down ideas in my little red “create” booklet all morning. Pinterest really has my inspirational juices flowing. Oh, I forgot to mention that I reupholstered my ottoman in a gorgeous Ikat fabric! I am really truly proud of the job I did, too (see pics below). Last night I spent 4.75 hours on the phone with a friend I hadn’t spoken to in a while. It’s weird, we didn’t fall out or anything, we just couldn’t find the time to chat, kept playing phone tag and email tag, and then we forgot we were playing any games at all. She has four children ranging in age from 3 to 17, in school and after-school activities, she’s in school herself, works full time, is trying to build a party planning business, and has a great boyfriend. So it’s no wonder she never had much time. Me, well, I’ve been all over the place, here and there, living in my head, taking classes, working full time, and maintaining a to-do list a mile long. Speaking of which, my garden is coming along nicely and I’ve started building a bed swing. So my friend and I talked, and talked, and talked and laughed, and laughed, and made plans to get together around the 19th for her cousins party she’s planning which will be after my nieces graduation from her master’s program. It was really nice reconnecting with someone genuine, who knows me, understands me, and appreciates me. We had our rocky road but we’ve always managed to get over it quickly and unscathed. We’re planning a trip to the Sugar Factory in Vegas for her birthday this year. Either there or to Paradise Cove in San Diego. We’ve been friends since our children attended pre-school together about 14 years ago. So after almost 7 months apart, we had a lot to discuss.

OTTOMAN BEFORE:

 OTTOMAN AFTER:

I spent hours removing dozens of staples from an old, covered ottoman

my hands were red from squeezing a pair of needle nose pliers and ripping each staple (and there were many) from the wood and vinyl, then removing the hardware, because this is a storage ottoman, and now I dont feel like recovering it with the fabric I've cut out for it. So... it's just sitting there, next to all the clothes I've dumped out of it and onto the floor. I also need a bit more foam to make it more plush but I dont feel like going to Michael's or Joann's, either. Ah well.

Prom is for chicks

…and guys heavy into fashion, apparently. While teenaged girls are giddy with excitement, swarming the malls like manic lunatics looking for dresses and accessories to go with their shoes and hair and manicure designs, teenaged boys really aren’t pressed. Frankly, they don’t give a damn. This revelation was pretty sobering for me, a mother who was once an emotional teenaged girl who took big stock in prom. Mines didn’t live up to the hype so I was hoping to make my sons a little better, although he couldn’t care less. It has been a struggle to even get him to go shopping. Last Saturday he hemmed and hawed at the suggestion that we make a trip to get fitted at JosA Bank, which would’ve temporarily taken him away from his video game playing, so I backed off and let him and his friend continue slaying folks in Skyrim. He doesn’t even want his own chauffeured car, opting instead to limo-pool with two of his buddies, one of whom practically begged my son to buy himself a prom ticket. He didn’t want to “spend $65 on a dance,” so he waited until yesterday to get his ticket. Hemming and hawing, I imagine, all the way to the Student Affairs office.  At first I thought that maybe he didn’t want to go because he didn’t have a date but then I overheard (okay, I eavesdropped) him and his friends talking and discovered that two girls had asked him to be their date and he’d arranged for one of them to go with his friend, DJ who has never had a girlfriend. So Tuesday night before Glee came on he and I were chatting, as usual, and prom came up. We were laughing about one of the twins saying that his prom date last year looked like "a delicious chocolate mint" in her green dress, while he resembled a "giant pistachio." This girl asked him to be her date to her prom and his mother prodded him to accept.
That was maybe our fourth time discussing prom, after I'd had similar discussions about the other prom-aged boys in my family with my mother, and it finally became clear to me that boys just really don’t care; prom is primarily for chicks. The shopping trips, the manicures, pedicures, new shoes (one of his classmates convinced her dad to buy her a pair of $700 shoes, which the boys found utterly ridiculous), and new hairstyles, the glamour of it all is highly appealing to girls (who have all been sold Cinderella stories). Boys just tend to show up for the dancing and camaraderie, which isn’t novel at all, despite it never really getting old. While they were supposed to be out tuxedo shopping they were in my backyard sparring with each other like mixed martial arts fighters and videotaping it for their other friends to see. They didn’t have to get dressed up and admission to my backyard is free. Plus, the refrigerator was stocked.
So girls want that Cinderella experience and boys just want to box. I saw on the news that many parents are planning to spend a small fortune on prom for their daughters, equating it to a mini-wedding. How sad. As if to say “we’d better do this now, while we can because who knows if you’ll ever get married,” putting way too much importance on pomp and circumstance. The pageantry of it all will have at least half of these girls needing a shrink before they’re 30. So actually, it’s kind of a relief for me that my boy doesn’t need the type of validation and attention that teenaged girls crave. He’d actually rather SAVE me money than spend it. I guess I had him pegged all wrong, lol. Anyway, I’m glad that cultural mores have changed a bit and this generation’s kids aren’t feeling as much pressure and anxiety to fit the same mold we’ve been cramming ourselves into since the 50s. After all, it’s just a party.

There's nothing not to love about me! (c) Beyonce

No, no, no, there's nothing not to neeed about meeee!

I'm in a great mood today. Just spent a small fortune on some MMA tickets for my boy.  He's psyched, naturally.  Had a good, long, funny chat with my friend, Sandy.  She told me how she spent almost 25 years not realizing that she had a degree.  Crazy.  Then, I discovered that I have a small crush on a doctor who resembles Wesley Snipes.  Crushing is fun.  Acting on said crush is scary.  He waved at me the other day, that's how we began talking about him.  Then we went straight to Google and discovered he's sort of a boss. Credentialled the fuck out. Smh.  Fellowship trained at an internationally renowned school, medical degree, masters in engineering with a focus on physics, BA in electrical engineering, studied in France, has a degree in romance languages, too!  I'd totally be nice to him, lol.  The day he waved at me I was caught completely off guard.  I've seen him around a handful of times and only made note that he was black and a doctor, since you don't see too many black doctors on this campus.  But I've always gone on about my business.  Well, I was yapping on my cellphone, sitting outside of Emergency when he walked past, smiled at me and waved.  I was shocked.  So I just waved back.  And now I'm crushing.  His glamour shots on the internet are hot and "ringless" and he volunteers with children.  I have no plans at all to speak to him unless I am spoken to, though.  I'm just going to smile, wave and keep it moving.  No need in risking making a fool of myself.  I hope to keep this healthy happy crush from crushing me.
It's been raining and hailing all day.  I have to get home and check on my newly-planted infant trees.
I've been watching this video a lot lately.  Don't you just love Beyonce? There's nothing not to love about her :)  Especially when she's dressed in Rosie the Riveter meets Betty Page after work clothing.  I'd wear all of that TODAY
http://vimeo.com/11465235