Tuesday, February 25, 2014


I have a somewhat annoying friend who wants me to travel with her on the fourth of july weekend. That's a long time from now. I'm not even in the summer mindset yet. I'm tired. So all I can think to do that weekend is maybe lying on a beach somewhere with a book in one hand and drink in another.  She wants to "explore."  But then, do I really need to spend a heap of money and travel far distances to do lie on a beach with a book and a drink? Not really. I live in fucking California, 30 minutes from the coast. I can do that for a half a tank of gas, honestly. Yes, it'd be nice to see Jamaica, or Martha's Vineyard, or travel to some other far off place, but my garage door needs fixing, my toilet is leaking, and I just got a partial tuition bill for $3400 and some odd change, on top of a handful of other things on my plate. So I'm really not in the mood to think about travel. I'm exhausted. My new job is making me earn my paycheck (although I still love it more than any other job I've ever had), and my accelerated course schedule at school is sort of wearing on my patience. I'm old. And did I mention that I'm tired? I need to rest my brain every now and then.  Oh, and to top it off I've been sort of marathon dating like a damn fool. Only because the guy I've been seeing can't give me all that I need (I wont go into detail, but yeah) and I need to find someone who can before I get hurt.  On Sunday I had two dates and on Saturday I spent the whole day with the guy I've been seeing. I got home and my house needed cleaning but I had no energy or time because I had to turn in another paper before midnight. I'm doing too, much, right? Right. So this trip that my shrill-voiced homegirl wants me to go on is the last thing that I want to think about right now. I'd honestly rather not think anymore at all. I've been doing too much of it. Thinking about my part time boo, my dates, my education, and my new job, which I love, has been more than enough.  I'm tired! I simply desire to veg out somewhere whenever I have time to spare. Not argue with this annoying woman over where to spend the fourth of fucking july. Smh. And to top it off I think someone stole my new ipod. Ugh! And the African guy I went on two cheap dates with tried to kiss me. Yuck!! I'm just disgusted and annoyed. And I don't know what to do about it.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

I am mentally exhausted. I have been having a tug o' war of the mind with a spoiled brat for the past two days. Why I am enduring this bullshit is beyond my knowledge. Maybe it's because I know that if I say "fuck off" nothing will change.
I want my life to consist of that house on Orange Grove w/ the porch swing and the family room where the living room ought to be, of a devoted husband who cooks and makes me laugh (among other things. The list is smedium, I swear), of large family gatherings and lots of travel to new places to see and learn new things and meet new people. I want my house to be filled with mementos from my life and travels. And when everyone goes home, I want it to be just me and my love talking in bed in the dark about the day and the future and the past. I want us to be each others everything, the oil that keeps us functioning and creating. I work so much better that way.  Just knowing, not questioning. Secure.  Apparently, I've allowed someone to believe I'm something that I'm not.  But if they really paid attention to the spaces in between they'd see me, clear as day. I think they're choosing to see what they want and ignoring the rest.  That's common, it's human nature.  But it does me no good to not be seen so I'm going to have to go ahead and disappear.  Grace is calling me anyhow.
Monday is my birthday. I'm going to do like I always do on my birthday and reflect and chill.  Luckily, my job recognizes Monday as a holiday so I get to reflect and chill at home.  But on Saturday I'm going to spend it at a hotel with a handful of good friends, drinks, dinner, and laughter. I hope my mood is better by then. I'm being mentally attacked and I'm tired of fighting. I hope by sunrise all of this will be a blur and the day ahead will be sunny and bright.
Good night.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

I hate when somebody thinks they got the better of me, lol.  Young, I know.  And I shouldn't even care what they think but it just bugs me beyond reason when I think that they think that they are somehow getting over and nothing I say is going to convince them otherwise, really.  It's like the more I say the more they'll think they won and are the shit. Anyway, so this fool thinks he's won. He is an idiot. An evil, evil, despicable little shit.  And I can't stand his ass for thinking he's not, lmao. smdh.  Turrble.
In other news, I went on a date today with a dude who friended me on facebook *facepalm. Yeah, I surprised even myself with that one and ended up having a great time.  Who the hell knew? Certainly not moi. So his stats are: 45, but looks 35, single but dating, two jobs that I wont mention to protect the innocent and foil anyone snooping like that, I think he was about 5'11 or so, nice build, very funny and down to earth, can hold a conversation, and has two kids ages 21 and 9. I suggested coffee since it was our first date but he said "I'm hongry, though," which made me laugh, so we got burgers since the sushi placed we walked by in Old Town was gated up to protect it from the rowdy Rose Parade campers.  He paid without hesitation and squeezed the hell out of me when I hugged him goodbye, which I'm thinking is a sign that he digs me...or at least finds me fuckable. Either way, yay! Lol.  I have no idea when or if we'll go out again but I surely needed him today. He made me smile more times today than I have all week and I needed that tremendously.  The only sucky part was that I was sleepy as hell during our date and when I'm sleepy I aint all there. I'm loopy and not all that fun to be around. I'll put it this way, I aint sharp when I'm sleepy and it's apparent, which isn't good for a first date.  But I'm banking on him being thirsty enough to give me another shot :) 

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

my life's loves

This morning I was lying in bed thinking about the positive attributes of the three most significant men in my life, as well as their negative attributes, and if I could put these three men together and make one, I'd have one fabulous man, lol.  What one lacked the others had in droves.  It's rather unfortunate.  Then I started thinking about the one I loved the most, who really had my heart and my mind, and how it seemed that he either wasn't sure enough of my love for him so he pulled away, or he felt like he could never give me what he felt I deserved.  Maybe he was right about the latter, I don't know.  He had a few issues here and there.  Yet, nevertheless, I loved the totality of his ridiculous ass and would have followed him to the moon if he'd asked.  I never got a chance to tell him quite that, which is probably for the best. We still talk...every now and then, so that's some sort of consolation, I guess.  I think maybe he thinks that he couldn't mentally handle my love and he might be right. Not to toot my own horn but if he allowed me in, he'd surely most certainly without a doubt...be lost in me, completely.  I'd see to it. Or maybe he never really loved me at all and was just captivated by the idea of me. Or maybe he has no clue what love is. Lol, I can't call it with that one. The other one was a damn good listener and advice giver.  He was sort of like a protector, father figure, which was sort of nice at times.  At other times I felt like I was living on a concentration camp, which had a lot to do with why I had to remove myself from his life.  But I do miss our pillow talk immensely.  And how he'd stay up at ridiculous hours to console me about whatever I was struggling with at the time, despite having to work in the morning.  Oh, and on every cold morning I am reminded of how he would get up a half hour before me just to turn the heat on so that I didn't have to get up in a cold house.  It's the little things. Now the one that I've loved since first sight when I was 15 years old.  I don't know if I missed my chance with him or if we got together at just the right time in our lives.  It's really hard to say and I am always torn over that, wondering whether me knowing him at all is a good thing or a bad thing. I'm tripping. Knowing him has opened my eyes to so much, and during the times we've spent together he has given me more than he even knows. He has made life pretty exciting.  With this one it's like he sees me and sees magic, and how could that not feel great? I'm sometimes consumed by it though and that's where the problem lies. While he is great to be around and he makes me feel awesome, he doesn't quite captivate me like the one with issues does and he doesn't listen and give great advice like the controlling one did.  But rolled up into one the three of them make up the loves of my life :) Something I can sit and tell my granddaughters about some day, hopefully.
"Why Don't You Love Me?"

Now, now, now, honey
You better sit down and look around
Cause you must've bumped yo' head
And I love you enough to talk some sense back into you, baby
I'd hate to see you come home, me the kids
And the dog is gone
Check my credentials...
I give you everything you want everything you need
Even your friends say I'm a good woman
All I need to know is why?

Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
And why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?

I got beauty, I got class
I got style, and I got @ss
And you don't even care to care
Looka here
I even put money in the bank account
Don't have to ask no one to help me out
You don't even notice that

Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
Why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?

I got beauty, I got heart
Keep my head in them books, I'm sharp
But you don't care to know I'm smart
Now, now now now now now now
I got moves in your bedroom
Keep you happy with the nasty things I do
But you don't seem to be in tune

Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
Why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?

There's nothing not to love about me
No, no, there's nothing not to love about me
I'm lovely
There's nothing not to need about me
No, no, there's nothing not to need about me
Maybe you're just not the one
Or maybe you're just plain....... DUMB

Sunday, December 29, 2013

up way too early on a Sunday morning

Christmas was nice. My son stayed home all day with me rather than going to Fontana for part of the day to be with his dads gamily. He is finally seeing many of them for who they are and it seems as though his esteem for them has diminished quite a bit. So has mine. Especially after my ex and I broke up and his eldest sister switched immediatley from day to night on me without any warning. That was shicking and plenty hurtful. You spend practically 20 years as a part of someones "family" and they can disown you in an instant. Incredible. Anyway, my spirits remained high and I was so very grateful for all that I've been blessed with. Christmas has changed for me three times in my life and I suspect that it will continue to, but the contant that I'm thankful for and hope to never lose is the security of my familys love and support. That I could never do without. That is what truly keeps me going.  I was also inspired by my guy friends' attempt to call me during his busy holiday planning and family gathering and when I missed his call he seemed disappointed. :) that makes me smile because with the nature of our relationship I totally wasn't expecting that from him. But it was definitely a welcome sentiment.  I admittedly have no idea what I am doing when it comes to him and it sort of frightens me. This has definitely been a learning experience and a real eye opener. I feel like I've matured more in these two months than I have in years. Goes to show that its true - we never stop learning. I see the world a whole lot differently now. To say things are complicated takes on a whole new meaning for me. The human spirit is so much more complex than I used to believe it was.  Perfection isn't what I thought it was and neither is imperfection. Nothing is concrete, its all malleable. There are no rules to life or love and its usually all good, as well as subject to the beauty of interpretation.  And I suppose that's why I'm a bit frightened. My interpretation of things has been turned on its head and I have no idea which was is up. I asked him recently to define friendship and then to define love. He ended up giving them both the same hokey half assed definition: they're unconditional. Or maybe he's on to something...but honestly, I don't think he's even sure that he knows either.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Go get em', girl!

Gosh, I can't wait until it's 2014. Yes, I know it's just another day, really. But for me it symbolizes a new start. Not just the start of a new day, either, smart ass. You know what I mean. And although my 2013 wasn't bad at all - it was especially great in March, October, and November - I need a new beginning.  I need to clear my head of the confusion and chaos of the last few months. It was all good and exciting and I was certainly over the moon with joy, but now I'm fearful that I'll crash hard if I'm not careful.  That sort of happiness is not sustainable.  So I'm starting the mental work necessary to protect myself from any disappointment. It's so pessimistic, I know, but I'm scared, dammit! And insecure, and worried, and cautious as hell. Back to my boring grind, focusing on what I need to do in order to be filthy stinking rich by the time I'm 50.  Then, hopefully, I will have already been married and settled and able to help the less fortunate right before I retire.  I just wish that I could find someone to settle into each night, secure and loved, so that I can face each day with renewed vigor and stamina. That's all. It'd make my work much easier and more exciting to wake up to and tackle. Someone to say "go get 'em, girl. I love you." or something like that :) 

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

You know, just as men are strange, some women are equally as batty.  I'm not sure what this broad wants from me but, um...I aint got it, whatever the hell it is. I do not cater to women who aren't elderly relatives of mine. I don't kiss ass, toss salad, or munch carpet. I'm just not the one, lady. And I make no apologies for that. Get a gotdamn grip. Damn. So I didn't call you and ask you what you were doing on Thanksgiving. And? We're not close or even particularly cool like that. So I don't call you, period.  And? I don't call people I actually consider friends that often. I've no idea why you thought you were so special, lol.  Anyway, I didn't appreciate that curt text message telling me to please be at your house by 6pm tomorrow for this stinking ass event. As a matter of fact, if I hadn't registered for this bullshit and wasn't sort of looking forward to going, I'd stand your needy ass up.
Women, smh.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Men are a strange lot. They seem to like me most when I couldn't care less about them. When I'm a bitch, treating them like shit on my shoe, they love me. But when I'm pleasant and accommodating...it's "eh" lol.  I remember my ex once actually telling me that he wanted me to go back to treating him like I didn't care, like I had treated him before he'd won me over. So, that's just what I did. I brought that attitude right on back out and gave him just what he'd asked for.  Then about 3 years later he expressed regret for having made such a request, lol.  He stuck around though.  But the more respect I showed him, the less I had of him. Yeah, he got tired of the challenge at some points (I wasn't always "on." that shit is exhausting) but he was never fully captivated whenever I wasn't giving him a run for his money. Fucking bastard.  I liken these kinds of men to children, in a sense. Formerly abused or unloved or issue-laden, children.  Because who would rather be disrespected than respected? Treated like they don't matter? I mean, maybe I'm the weird one for actually liking to be loved, respected, and doted on. I don't know, but I know that the man who will fit the glass boot (not slipper) of my KAL will not be this way at all.  If he exists (lol) he will not want to play this game. He'll just do wtf I say and we'll live happily ever after. Lol, I'm kidding. Sort of.
So I say all this to say that this guy I've been seeing wants to see my bitch side. He aint in no ways ready but he thinks he is.  Therefore, I am preparing for the beginning of the end.  I've played this game before and no, they don't end up running away from me. Quite the contrary. I'm the one who ends up losing interest and running off.  The mere suggestion from him has me lacing up my sneakers.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Emotionally trying day today.  I've been up since 5am, flew from Burbank to Oakland but got diverted because of fog and ended up spending 30 minutes on the runway in San Jose, then high tailed it with my coworker to a very very important meeting in our San Francisco office, barely made it, spent the first two hours trying to stay awake, lol, was highly disappointed in myself, got called out, woke up, spent a little while thinking the worse, redeemed myself towards the end of the meeting, was grateful someone from my office came and was leaving on the 5:35pm flight, changed my flight to an earlier flight so I could hitch a ride with her, left the office at 4, drove to OAK, hopped on the plane, flew back to Burbank, hopped on the shuttle, grabbed my car, drove like a bat out of hell to doggy day camp, picked up my dog 10 minutes late, came home, stripped down to my skivvies and sat down in my robe to breathe.
In other news, this man seems to want to see the worst of me for some reason. He got a glimpse of my fire and now he's curious to see that side of me.  But he really truly does not want to bring Her out. Because once she's released in full force, there is no coming back from that, and I don't think he fully understands. This tongue slices. He would hate me.  When provoked, I aint nothing nice :( And I don't want to be mean to him because, once I'm pushed to that point, that'll be it for us. And he's talking about he's a Pisces and Pisces are sensitive. Psht! Then, at the same time talking about "you fight with your words." And I'm thinking, what else am I supposed to fight with? My fists? At my age? 0_o If he thought anything I've said thus far was bad...oh boy, he aint seen nada.  Smh, I don't want that man to hate me and he surely will if he provokes Her. So I'm avoiding the bait. I don't like cussing people out but sometimes it's a necessity.

Friday, November 29, 2013

I told him I wouldn't miss him. I lied. It's been about a week and I do, in fact, miss him. Man, the heart is such a complicated organ. I keep thinking that all I need to do is find my dream guy. Nobody perfect because perfection doesn't exist, just as long as he fits about 75-80% of my KAL (Kameelah Ass List), and I'll be good. I won't miss *him. It's strange how things work out. I never expected this. But that's life, right? Fiction has to make sense, life never does. Anyway, I miss his arms around me, his voice in my ear, hands in my hair, his baby soft skin and scent. I miss him babbling on and on about some story of his life, and he has many. Were he a book, he'd be a great read in bed on a rainy day like today. I can visualize his hand gestures and they make me smile. I told him that I loved his mannerisms and he smiled. I told him that his skin would make babies jealous and he smiled big, then, too. Then when he told me that absence makes the heart grow fonder I told him "out of sight, out of mind." That might've been harsh but I needed to protect this big clunky organ in my chest somehow. At that time, the shit was sitting precariously on my damn sleeve, threatening to leap off as we sat in his car discussing us. Us, a situation still with no explanation. So I try to spend my days and nights fantasizing about my dream guy, wherever he is, and how comforting life with him will be. I won't have to miss him because he'll be here with me more often than not, and I wont have to protect my heart from him because he will be its guardian. And that's what I tell myself to keep from missing *him. He has prompted me to update my KAL and here it goes (in no particular order):
between 33 and 49 years old
already a father with 1 child, or children over the age of 12 OR doesn't want children
non smoker
social drinker if he drinks at all
is okay with dogs
is kind and generous, not cheap
chivalrous, a gentleman
strives for more from life, isn't content with little or nothing
decent earning potential, which is well above minimum wage
no exorbitant debt
the ability to comfortably pay his bills with some to spare
open minded
easy going
believes in a creator but isn't fanatical about it
has integrity
is caring and not cruel to anyone or any creature
isn't a wimp
isn't a video game fanatic
adores me :)
has a similar sense of humor and loves to make me laugh
is at least 5'11, not overweight
handsome (ability to grow hair on his head, no acne, no skin discoloration, no bad scarring or keloids, etc.)
no feminine
no squeaky voices
is a protector
a motivator
takes care of his responsibilities
understands the meaning of the phrase "happy wife, happy life"
is good in bed and aims to please

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Here's how I see it: it's 2013 and you and I are here, alive and (presumably) well, and that's plenty to be thankful for. It's not healthy to harbor anger and hate, especially over things that transpired hundreds of years ago between our ancestors. I mean, shit, we're all related in some way, anyhow. Melting pot, anyone? Every last one of us can be linked back to the mitochondrial Eve, right? Right. So, even though this holiday ended up being a travesty for some of our ancestors, at the hands of some of our other ancestors... today, in 2013 we're good. Nobody's being slaughtered(that I am aware of). So, however you choose to celebrate or mourn today really depends on your disposition about life, in my opinion. You can either hold on to the pain and anger and evil of the far off past, or you can move on, feel blessed, be blessed, make amends, and be at peace TODAY...while never forgetting who you are and how far you've come; not alone, but because of and in spite of all of those who came before you. Give thanks to them.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Okay, I'm back. I feel the cloud in my head lifting and my vision is becoming clearer. Whew! It was fun floating but I needed at least my pinky toe back on the ground, sheesh. So, while I'm still feeling like "shooby dooby doo," I aint no sucka; I'm holding on. I'm back to me and this mission of mine. The job is starting to feel a little more routine-like, which is good. You always have to feel around in the dark for a while when beginning a new endeavor. A month and one week in, and I'm loving it even more. Mostly because it's becoming more familiar. A month and a week in with him, and he is also feeling more familiar. My stride is steadying, straightening out; I'm walking with purpose again and I know where I'm going. It's 10:36pm on Thanksgiving eve and I'm tired as hell, after having been up since 6am and moving all day, nonstop. So...I'm going to bed now. Just thought I'd let yall know. GN.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

No complaints

My life has changed so much in a little over a month. All good things, thus far, and no complaints. I love my job. That's the first time I have ever said that or felt that over my entire working life. I not only work for a couple of fantastic women, but my coworkers are all great, too! Everyone is going out of their way to help and make sure I get acclimated. It's so fantastic and I so deserve it :) I also lost 5 pounds and managed to keep it off, despite all of the Halloween candy my coworkers have been bringing into work and *ahem* forcing me to eat. I look great in my size 6 Ann Taylor work slacks. My romantic life has picked up, as well, and I am developing really warm&fuzzy feelings for a particular someone. He says all the right things, so much so, that it's kind of scary. But I've told myself to let go, be confident, and live a little. Lord knows I certainly need to do more of that. My son turned 19 today and he starts his first bonafide grown up job in a week making $10 and hour, lol. So cute, but he's on his way and his future, the plan we made for him, is taking shape. As I type this, in my pink robe, yellow pajama pants, black tank and slippers, my house is sparkling clean, my loved ones are happy and healthy, and life is good.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

It's complicated, part 2

I've never been more confused, lol. smh. Talk about a learning experience! This is unlike anything I could've ever imagined and it's taking more than a notion to wrap my head firmly around it. I've never been too keen on being out of control and that's pretty much what this feels like. There is no safe word. I don't know how to do this. So I think it would be best if I just dont do anything at all, lol. Just sit down, shut up and wait until I can trust myself not to make a fool of myself. But anyone who knows me knows good and well that there's no way I'm doing that, lol. I need a distraction, like... pronto! So Saturday I'm going to dinner with a friend and some other folks for her birthday and I'm a little apprehensive about it because I don't know these other folks and I don't want issues with the bill when it comes. Group dinners tend to suck that way. People forget how many margarita's they've slurped down, don't consider tax or tip, and someone is always short on the bill by more than a meal or two. And she just had to go and choose a relatively expensive restaurant, to boot. I went to this same place last year for my birthday and the cheapest meal was about $30. So yeah, I'm thinking of surveying the group real good and basing my decision to order food AND a drink, or food OR a drink, on how broke and trifling this group appears. If they look good and trifling I'm just ordering a cocktail, saying happy birthday and leaving early, before any bill with tax and tip is even up for discussion. I love my new job. I've never ever said that about any job I've been employed to do so this feels great. Hope it stays this way and that I don't jinx it. Things have been going so well that all day I thought it was Tuesday instead of Wednesday. The week just flew by me without me even noticing. Yet still...I need a distraction! like, last week!!!

Sunday, November 10, 2013

It's complicated

Trying to decide what I want. I thought I knew. I guess I don't. Or maybe I was merely pacifying myself all this time. But he has opened my eyes up wide. I feel as though I am on the verge of facing some tough truths and I'm a little worried only because I'm not entirely sure how deeply it will affect me. But, if nothing else, I know that it will affect me, that I won't come away completely unscathed or the same person I was when I faced him for the first time. I went into this simply throwing caution to the wind. Why not? Fuck it, I said. YOLO, lol. Seriously, I was riding a high in my life at the time, and I believe I was feeling a bit intoxicated, thinking I had nothing to lose. Or perhaps not thinking at all. But he surprised me. He really through me off. Now I know that if I'm not incredibly careful I am putting more than my heart at risk, but my entire well-being. Yet, somehow...he seems worth it...I think. Whatever it is, I can't let go. Not yet, at least. Not until I have to. I go back and forth on it. I'm still trying to figure things out and when I do, I know without a doubt that I will be an entirely new me. I know that life can change in an instant. It has so many times for me. I used to allow my imagination to jump time. Sort of like flipping to the back of the book, as if I could predict the future and who would be in it. Now i know that people and life are so unpredictable it's best to just live life out daily and never count on anyone being permanent, but appreciating the times when they are present. Because life isn't permanent. I value each moment. I saw him yesterday and I have no idea whether or not I will see him again, and I won't count on it either. I was fully present when he was there and that's all that really matters. it's late and i'm not sure where this rambling is going or if it's even making any sort of sense, so I'm going to bed. Maybe in the morning I'll revisit this and figure it out.