blah.

I have a somewhat annoying friend who wants me to travel with her on the fourth of july weekend. That's a long time from now. I'm not even in the summer mindset yet. I'm tired. So all I can think to do that weekend is maybe lying on a beach somewhere with a book in one hand and drink in another.  She wants to "explore."  But then, do I really need to spend a heap of money and travel far distances to do lie on a beach with a book and a drink? Not really. I live in fucking California, 30 minutes from the coast. I can do that for a half a tank of gas, honestly. Yes, it'd be nice to see Jamaica, or Martha's Vineyard, or travel to some other far off place, but my garage door needs fixing, my toilet is leaking, and I just got a partial tuition bill for $3400 and some odd change, on top of a handful of other things on my plate. So I'm really not in the mood to think about travel. I'm exhausted. My new job is making me earn my paycheck (although I still love it more than any other job I've ever had), and my accelerated course schedule at school is sort of wearing on my patience. I'm old. And did I mention that I'm tired? I need to rest my brain every now and then.  Oh, and to top it off I've been sort of marathon dating like a damn fool. Only because the guy I've been seeing can't give me all that I need (I wont go into detail, but yeah) and I need to find someone who can before I get hurt.  On Sunday I had two dates and on Saturday I spent the whole day with the guy I've been seeing. I got home and my house needed cleaning but I had no energy or time because I had to turn in another paper before midnight. I'm doing too, much, right? Right. So this trip that my shrill-voiced homegirl wants me to go on is the last thing that I want to think about right now. I'd honestly rather not think anymore at all. I've been doing too much of it. Thinking about my part time boo, my dates, my education, and my new job, which I love, has been more than enough.  I'm tired! I simply desire to veg out somewhere whenever I have time to spare. Not argue with this annoying woman over where to spend the fourth of fucking july. Smh. And to top it off I think someone stole my new ipod. Ugh! And the African guy I went on two cheap dates with tried to kiss me. Yuck!! I'm just disgusted and annoyed. And I don't know what to do about it.

I told him I wouldn't miss him. I lied. It's been about a week and I do, in fact, miss him. Man, the heart is such a complicated organ. I keep thinking that all I need to do is find my dream guy. Nobody perfect because perfection doesn't exist, just as long as he fits about 75-80% of my KAL (Kameelah Ass List), and I'll be good. I won't miss *him. It's strange how things work out. I never expected this. But that's life, right? Fiction has to make sense, life never does. Anyway, I miss his arms around me, his voice in my ear, hands in my hair, his baby soft skin and scent. I miss him babbling on and on about some story of his life, and he has many. Were he a book, he'd be a great read in bed on a rainy day like today. I can visualize his hand gestures and they make me smile. I told him that I loved his mannerisms and he smiled. I told him that his skin would make babies jealous and he smiled big, then, too. Then when he told me that absence makes the heart grow fonder I told him "out of sight, out of mind." That might've been harsh but I needed to protect this big clunky organ in my chest somehow. At that time, the shit was sitting precariously on my damn sleeve, threatening to leap off as we sat in his car discussing us. Us, a situation still with no explanation. So I try to spend my days and nights fantasizing about my dream guy, wherever he is, and how comforting life with him will be. I won't have to miss him because he'll be here with me more often than not, and I wont have to protect my heart from him because he will be its guardian. And that's what I tell myself to keep from missing *him. He has prompted me to update my KAL and here it goes (in no particular order):
between 33 and 49 years old
already a father with 1 child, or children over the age of 12 OR doesn't want children
non smoker
social drinker if he drinks at all
is okay with dogs
is kind and generous, not cheap
chivalrous, a gentleman
intelligent
confident
hardworking
strives for more from life, isn't content with little or nothing
decent earning potential, which is well above minimum wage
no exorbitant debt
the ability to comfortably pay his bills with some to spare
open minded
supportive
easy going
believes in a creator but isn't fanatical about it
has integrity
is caring and not cruel to anyone or any creature
isn't a wimp
isn't a video game fanatic
adores me :)
has a similar sense of humor and loves to make me laugh
is at least 5'11, not overweight
handsome (ability to grow hair on his head, no acne, no skin discoloration, no bad scarring or keloids, etc.)
no feminine
no squeaky voices
is a protector
a motivator
takes care of his responsibilities
understands the meaning of the phrase "happy wife, happy life"
is good in bed and aims to please

Okay, I'm back. I feel the cloud in my head lifting and my vision is becoming clearer. Whew! It was fun floating but I needed at least my pinky toe back on the ground, sheesh. So, while I'm still feeling like "shooby dooby doo," I aint no sucka; I'm holding on. I'm back to me and this mission of mine. The job is starting to feel a little more routine-like, which is good. You always have to feel around in the dark for a while when beginning a new endeavor. A month and one week in, and I'm loving it even more. Mostly because it's becoming more familiar. A month and a week in with him, and he is also feeling more familiar. My stride is steadying, straightening out; I'm walking with purpose again and I know where I'm going. It's 10:36pm on Thanksgiving eve and I'm tired as hell, after having been up since 6am and moving all day, nonstop. So...I'm going to bed now. Just thought I'd let yall know. GN.

No complaints

My life has changed so much in a little over a month. All good things, thus far, and no complaints. I love my job. That's the first time I have ever said that or felt that over my entire working life. I not only work for a couple of fantastic women, but my coworkers are all great, too! Everyone is going out of their way to help and make sure I get acclimated. It's so fantastic and I so deserve it :) I also lost 5 pounds and managed to keep it off, despite all of the Halloween candy my coworkers have been bringing into work and *ahem* forcing me to eat. I look great in my size 6 Ann Taylor work slacks. My romantic life has picked up, as well, and I am developing really warm&fuzzy feelings for a particular someone. He says all the right things, so much so, that it's kind of scary. But I've told myself to let go, be confident, and live a little. Lord knows I certainly need to do more of that. My son turned 19 today and he starts his first bonafide grown up job in a week making $10 and hour, lol. So cute, but he's on his way and his future, the plan we made for him, is taking shape. As I type this, in my pink robe, yellow pajama pants, black tank and slippers, my house is sparkling clean, my loved ones are happy and healthy, and life is good.

It's complicated, part 2

I've never been more confused, lol. smh. Talk about a learning experience! This is unlike anything I could've ever imagined and it's taking more than a notion to wrap my head firmly around it. I've never been too keen on being out of control and that's pretty much what this feels like. There is no safe word. I don't know how to do this. So I think it would be best if I just dont do anything at all, lol. Just sit down, shut up and wait until I can trust myself not to make a fool of myself. But anyone who knows me knows good and well that there's no way I'm doing that, lol. I need a distraction, like... pronto! So Saturday I'm going to dinner with a friend and some other folks for her birthday and I'm a little apprehensive about it because I don't know these other folks and I don't want issues with the bill when it comes. Group dinners tend to suck that way. People forget how many margarita's they've slurped down, don't consider tax or tip, and someone is always short on the bill by more than a meal or two. And she just had to go and choose a relatively expensive restaurant, to boot. I went to this same place last year for my birthday and the cheapest meal was about $30. So yeah, I'm thinking of surveying the group real good and basing my decision to order food AND a drink, or food OR a drink, on how broke and trifling this group appears. If they look good and trifling I'm just ordering a cocktail, saying happy birthday and leaving early, before any bill with tax and tip is even up for discussion. I love my new job. I've never ever said that about any job I've been employed to do so this feels great. Hope it stays this way and that I don't jinx it. Things have been going so well that all day I thought it was Tuesday instead of Wednesday. The week just flew by me without me even noticing. Yet still...I need a distraction! like, last week!!!

It's complicated

Trying to decide what I want. I thought I knew. I guess I don't. Or maybe I was merely pacifying myself all this time. But he has opened my eyes up wide. I feel as though I am on the verge of facing some tough truths and I'm a little worried only because I'm not entirely sure how deeply it will affect me. But, if nothing else, I know that it will affect me, that I won't come away completely unscathed or the same person I was when I faced him for the first time. I went into this simply throwing caution to the wind. Why not? Fuck it, I said. YOLO, lol. Seriously, I was riding a high in my life at the time, and I believe I was feeling a bit intoxicated, thinking I had nothing to lose. Or perhaps not thinking at all. But he surprised me. He really through me off. Now I know that if I'm not incredibly careful I am putting more than my heart at risk, but my entire well-being. Yet, somehow...he seems worth it...I think. Whatever it is, I can't let go. Not yet, at least. Not until I have to. I go back and forth on it. I'm still trying to figure things out and when I do, I know without a doubt that I will be an entirely new me. I know that life can change in an instant. It has so many times for me. I used to allow my imagination to jump time. Sort of like flipping to the back of the book, as if I could predict the future and who would be in it. Now i know that people and life are so unpredictable it's best to just live life out daily and never count on anyone being permanent, but appreciating the times when they are present. Because life isn't permanent. I value each moment. I saw him yesterday and I have no idea whether or not I will see him again, and I won't count on it either. I was fully present when he was there and that's all that really matters. it's late and i'm not sure where this rambling is going or if it's even making any sort of sense, so I'm going to bed. Maybe in the morning I'll revisit this and figure it out.

I'm having the best month of my life

October 4th, I got a new job; a GREAT job! which includes: - a promotion, complete with new title - a pay increase - all medical, dental, vision, etc. = PAID FOR by the company - 5 minutes from my house. I can ride my bike to work :) - fantastic boss, the complete opposite of my former boss - 100% tuition reimbursement (WHAT!?!? yes) Oct 9th, quit my old job Oct 11th, started back talking to an old friend who turned out to be a fantastic Mr. Right Now Oct 12th, went on a fantastic date w/ Mr. Right Now Week of Oct 14th - multiple lunch dates and happy hours w/ coworkers and friends Oct 16th, received my acceptance letter into a program that I'd applied for Oct 17th, ended my 2.5 year drought Oct 19th, worked on eradicating that drought some more (it's gone!) Oct 20th, went to church to thank God Oct 20th, found a fantastic dog park with a new friend Oct 21st, got an appointment for my exit interview and coming up: Oct 26th, two Halloween parties and a BANGING costume Oct 28th, begin the new job :D I am OVER THE MOON right now! Never in my life have I had so many great things happen to me back to back, in such short order. And I begin my new job on the 28th :) God is truly good.

Ramble

I don’t mean to be difficult. Truly, I don’t. But I suspect that maybe since I’m not a passive woman by nature that some men perceive me as difficult. I don’t bow down, I don’t walk behind, I am not agreeable just to be pleasing. I speak, I want to be heard, not loudly because I don’t like yelling. It fucks up my singing voice and I like to sing…in the car, the shower and while I’m cooking and cleaning. But I am, deep down, very good and extremely loving, yet I won’t mind it much if I piss you off with my opinion. If you’re worth it, you recognize that it’s just an opinion and those are changeable. My heart is big and capable. So, yeah, I hope I don’t give them all the wrong impression of me. Not the good ones, at least. Not the ones I’d actually care to get to know. But I think, also, that if I am moved to get to know someone that they likely have a personality that wouldn’t find mines to be difficult. I’m not for everybody, though. I am ambitious and confident…at times. Insecure sometimes, too. Not arrogant, unless I need to be, which is usually just a front. I am curious about the world and finding my way in it requires me to ask questions, speak up, go, do, and allow people to see me as I am. And the men that intrigue me are the ones who aren’t threatened by my curiosity and confidence and desire to be free. They welcome those things about me. Not that I am completely untraditional or a threat to traditional values. I am traditional, to a degree. But in the sense that men and women protect and love one another and neither is the head or the foot. They sharpen one another, make each other better, and no one is in charge of the other in a perfect relationship. In my opinion, at least. Until and unless I can find that I will remain alone. I’d rather remain alone than be someone’s garbage receptacle.  I wonder if there is someone who gets that.

This morning, as my family and I were getting ready to head out to the beach for a Labor Day picnic, my niece had just watched her boyfriend leave her house when she heard gunfire. She ran outside in a panic, worried that Jamal had been hit. What she found was a faceless boy lying on the sidewalk. She said she couldn't recognize him at all, his face was completely gone and she was overcome with shock and tears. Then she noticed his shoes and realized it was a good friend of hers, a friend of her boyfriends as well. This all happened before noon today. According to my neice, he was 16 and had recently been kicked out of his parents' home and was trying to find himself. The news says that he was 17. No matter, he was a child and he was gunned down in cold blood in broad daylight on the street. Naturally, everyone was shook up and sad. Jamal, my niece's boyfriend vomited. My mother's first instinct was to get them away from there as quickly as possible. The police had the street blocked off so we had to pick Jamal up from 7-11. We kept our plans to go to the beach and, although our hearts were darkened today, we did our best to uplift one another with love. I think the ocean helped as well. They smiled and laughed a lot as waves knocked us all around. RIP Charles.

I saw my crush today. I haven’t seen him since…April, I believe. I was in the cafeteria grabbing something for lunch since my tuna sandwich plans had fallen through, and on my way out someone was holding the door for me. I looked up and saw that it was him! I was so happy to see him :) he walks like Stringer Bell, lol. And he wears pointy shoes w/ his lab coat. My guess is that he’s a doctor, maybe even a surgeon, since every time I’ve seen him he’s been around the Surgery Center and he’s either in scrubs or a labcoat w/ pointy dress shoes. He’s probably about 6 feet tall and in great physical shape, and he speaks Spanish. So today, since I wasn’t expecting to run into him (literally) at all, I just said “thank you” for holding the door open for me. I mean, what else should I have said, “Can I have your babies?” I don’t think that would’ve gone over well, despite it being a sincere query. I’m just happy he still works here and I got to lay eyes on him again. One day I will come up with the mustard to say something more substantial to him. But in the interim, I will just sigh and enjoy the view and his gait as he walks away.

Kendrick Lamar reminds me of my youth. I grew up around, dated, and crushed on boys like him.  Listening to him is like listening to all of black L.A. Reminding me of Eric/Deluxe from FBI crew who tagged my name all over businesses up and down Jefferson, that boy whose name I can't remember who was friends with Crystal's boyfriend and got shot in the head that night when I was in the 10th grade, right in front of us. Crystal couldn't stop talking about the "yellow oozing" from his head, no matter how many times we told her to shut up. Chris riding around all day on his BMX. Dorsey football games.  Ditching class and walking to McDonald's. Rogers Park. Skate Land USA. Taco Pete! Man, I loved the beef burritos at Taco Pete. I remember the time this drunk couple left their baby at that taco stand, lol. Willowbrook Park and Lil Rob having a crush on me in 6th grade but I was scared of him and his super gangstered-out family. Mona and Kaniesha. Marion and her jheri curl.  Crystal and Trecie. Highland Elementary. World on Wheels. Carver Elementary. 24th Street School. Crenshaw on Sunday's. The Fox Hills Mall on Saturdays, ALL day long until closing.  We'd stand outside huddled in the cold at 9pm waiting for Crystal's mom, Willetta to come and pick us up. And I found boys like Kendrick to be cute. They liked me too. Mm hm.  As a matter of fact, he kind of looks like Rodarryl's little brother, Roc (Rocshaundrick).  Listening to Kendrick is like listening to home. I get happy feelings.  I am reminded of my life and where I came from, who I am, and where I always fit in.  My son, who was raised in Pasadena, just don't know. 

I went to see Beyonce in Vegas last month.  Great show.  Worth seeing at least once but I doubt I'd pay to see her again anytime soon.  Maybe in another 15 years or so when she's a legend?  I don't know.  I've always been more of a fan of her business sense, work ethic and determination more than her music.  So once was enough for moi.  Vegas, on the other hand, I am absolutely done with. I'm so sick of Vegas it's not even funny.  Just a bunch of casinos in the middle of the hot desert and I don't even gamble.  I've seen every hotel and casino and stayed in most of them, and I'm not a party girl so there is absolutely no novelty to Vegas for me.  I'm pretty sure that was my last time going for a very long time, if ever again.  Someone that I'm fond of will have to be getting married or celebrating something special there for me to ever venture to the desert again.  I'm over it.

Went to see Letters From Zora today at the Pasadena Playhouse and cried at the end.  I love Zora Neal Hurston so much and Vanessa Bell Calloway did a great job portraying her.  She lived a full life absolutely worth remembering and celebrating.  I think I may read "Their Eyes Were Watching God" again.  I haven't read it in years.

Oh, and I've been going to drag queen bingo just about every month now but I think I may give it a rest.  The proceeds are said to go to AIDS research so I never really felt bad about spending the $20 on my bingo cards or the extra money on food and drinks but I'm sick of not winning, lol.  I won once but it was a tie and the other woman broke the tie (suspiciously).  So I'm over bingo, as well.

And that's pretty much what's been going on with me...sort of.

My last day of yoga was awful. First of all, I was anxious about going because I'd missed two sessions - one due to sheer laziness, and the second week it completely slipped my mind. So this past Wednesday I was on a mission to be zen. However, when I got in the studio and found out that we would be giving one another foot massages, I was anything but. I wanted to jump up and run the hell out of there. How disgusting! I didnt want to touch a strangers feet! All I kept thinking about was that episode of Martin when Shanehneh went "to town" on Marva's feet at the nail shop with a hand saw, or a grinder. After he announced that we'd be giving foot massages, I couldnt concentrate on the rest of the session and I certainly couldnt find enjoyment in anything that we did. It was a complete bust. And I ended up massaging the crusty, dusty feet of a fat white girl. Her heels felt like a cross between a brillo pad and a brick. And the rest of her foot was just a fat, dry, loaf of flesh :( Absolutely revolting. On top of that, he had us holding impossible poses for far too long, and then rolling our bodies across that hard, bamboo floor back and forth. My left breast is still sore. I think I may have discovered a lump this morning, too. If it's not gone by next week I'm going to the doctor. So then, towards the end of the class he began his sales pitch and completely lost me. At which point I said to myself "Val, you came, you saw, you know what the hoopla is about"...not much, really.

I never did have my yard sale. I cleaned the house and amassed a bunch of things that I had fully intended to sell, stored everything neatly in a corner of my living room, and then found out that the city has preposterous rules for yard sales and threw my hands up. According to this dear old city of mine, you cannot have an actual yard sale. No, you cannot place stuff in your actual yard to be sold. It has to be placed either in the back of the house or in the garage. Well, my garage is out of the question, and who is going to stop to peruse my backyard? Most people do drive-by’s and, if they see something they like, they stop. I can’t imagine that many folks will be stopping to check out what’s in my backyard. Then, you have to pay $20 for a yard sale permit and you can only put up signs on your own private property. No billing. So I got discouraged, packed all of the stuff I had amassed into two tubs, and stored it. Ugh. I can’t bring myself to donate it just yet. I’m still slightly hopeful that I’ll be having a bonafide yard sale. And I should be able to without all of these silly rules and regulations. This sucks.

Okay, so in addition to introducing myself to the world and joys of yoga, I have decided to learn how to garden. In part because my bad cholesterol is astronomical for my age and my doctor says that I’ll either have to go on medication or drastically change my lifestyle, which may or may not lower it since it’s mostly due to heredity, and also because meat has been making me feel lousy lately. Every time I eat a piece of chicken that isn’t free-range, I get sick. And every time I eat any other type of meat (turkey, cow) it weighs on me and feels like it takes an eternity to digest. Oh, and then I’m reading about pink slime and ammonia in food and all manner of disgusting crap, and my grocer seems to want to feed me just any old thing. I bought shellfish from Ralphs a little while ago and it was rotten, reeking of ammonia. If I had eaten it I would have been violently ill. And I bought sour grapes from Ralphs just recently. I won’t even get into the horrors I’ve discovered while trying to eat boxed or canned food. So yes, I’m fed up and going to test out my green thumb to see if I can grow some of my own food. It just makes sense. Of course, I’m going to start small and learn as I go, and as my budget will allow me to. But in the long run I do believe that I will be saving lots of money and helping to feed not only myself but my friends and family too, for practically nothing. So far, the only investment I can see once I am up and running is the cost of watering and the time it takes to tend to my veggies and keep pests away. I’m a bit excited about it and hopeful that by this time next year I will be healthier, happier, and in better physical shape.