Forgetting people

Sometimes, I get so caught up in my thoughts that I forget to be social. My focus is completing my to-do list and then, when everything has been ticked off and I'm all done, I get bored and remember that I've forgotten somebody. A friend of mines wants me to go with her to a swanky new hotel bar for happy hour and I keep forgetting. Or I'm too tired by the end of my workday. I'm not 25 anymore. My energy is scarce these days. Another friend of mines just moved into a new place and I have yet to visit. I've been meaning to take my mom and niece downtown for about a month, now. The other day I did a breakdown of my time and confirmed that I have none. 8 hours sleeping, 9-10 getting to work and actually working, 1-2 cooking dinner and eating it, 1 hour exercising &/or vegging out, 3 hours reading, writing, planning, showering, and prepping for bed. Thats it and thats all, folks. But my bills are all paid on time, my yard is neat, my house is clean, the laundry has been washed and folded AND put away, and I'm 4 chapters into one of the three new books that I'm currently reading. If I am to become a social butterfly, something's got to give. I just need to figure out what.

:(

I'm so emotional. I hate this time of month. Hormones going absolutely haywire, always tired, always hungry, bloated...yeah, it's never a good look. I often say that I need to hibernate and remove myself from the public until it passes, but I never do.  I suffer through it and sometimes others suffer because of me. Ha ha. Currently, I can't even look at 3 of my old crushes (who I've long since gotten over) on Facebook without feeling angry, resentful, and/or inadequate in some way.  Grrr. I hate men (currently).  And then there is this one super catty chick that keeps weaseling her way back into my life after I'm done with her snobby, obnoxious ass.  She is the most two-faced human being I have ever known and despite my best attempts to ignore her, she continues to pop up - on my facebook feed, in my email, the haunts I frequent, and in my light. Bitch, get out of my light!  I'm tired of it and it's taking every bit of my strength to remain an adult about it. I think this may just be the PMS talking but I can't be sure for another 2-3 weeks.  

Up early again. Lots on my mind. I didn't slowly become awake, I jolted. My mind was racing from thought to thought, worry crept up fast (I need to do this and that, and this and that...) and then suddenly my eyes flew open and sadness hit me. I have to write a letter to the California Public Utilities Commission and complain about being ripped off by my cell phone provider, I need to help my son with his FAFSA, I need to stop feeling guilty about things I shouldn't feel guilty about that unimportant people have tripped me into feeling guilty about. And while I'm at it, I have to learn to stop giving a damn about these unimportant people who bring absolutely nothing good to my life. They aren't important and they're taking up valuable real estate in my mind. That just won't do. It's waking me up at 4am. So I'm distancing myself, not going to be so accessible to everyone who knows my name. Just because we realize that the other exists doesn't mean we're actually friends or even good for each other. And just because you've seen my pictures, heard me speak, laugh, or we share kin, doesn't mean you know me. I am only intimate with those I trust, which aren't many. I've learned the hard way.
Later on today I am going to take all of these thoughts flying around in my head and organize them on a sheet of paper. They have to go. They are impeding on my focus. I'll organize them and hatch a plan to resolve them so that I can move on and get back to feeling at peace.

He asked me for my picture. I knew he would. I knew he wasnt just making idle chit chat for three days; he had an agenda. I wanted to just tell him "I'm not your type," but instead I sent him the most unsexy picture of me I had available. In it I am completely clothed, showing no skin at all, and I look thicker than I am. Oh, and I'm slightly crouched over, hugging Mickey Mouse. He was so curious to know what I look like, just dying to judge me by my appearance, I didn't feel that I had anything to prove. He'd completely forgotten that we'd met before. He passed right over me then, barely acknowledging my existence. He tried to sell me some music then but his dismissive behavior put me off. I'm not interested in anyone who can't truly see me, who isn't even trying to. Ive seen the type of girl he dates and I know what he values. Well, maybe I'm not being completely fair. Maybe, just maybe I should give him the benefit of a doubt and not judge him with only a partial view of his character. Perhaps my words intrigued him somehow and my looks ultimately meant nothing. It would be a rarity but not entirely implausible. I've never met a man who didn't put looks first. I'm sure they exist, I've just never met one. I don't believe that all men are shallow or think about sex first. Maybe my character is why he spent the last three days making small talk with me when I tried to make it clear that I had things to do. Whatever it was, he replied to my picture with Mickey Mouse pretending to be satisfied that the "veil" had been lifted. And then he went quiet. After three days of me finding message after message after message from him whenever I opened my mailbox. To be fair, it's only been a day. Maybe I'm wrong about his character. Though, somehow I doubt it. I could've saved us both the trouble by ignoring him altogether.

I know you’re tired of the usual – Trey Songz

I most certainly am. I need a little excitement, a quick thrill to get me through the next couple of months. My last good time was in September (damn! That was a long time ago). I haven’t worn that black dress since. Once and done, just hanging in my closet beckoning me. It’s been too cold, though, really. Every now and then we all need a bit of titillation and I’m well overdue. Time to shed some layers, come out of the cave, and strut my stuff. But where to, and who with? Hmm…I have a birthday party invite for this weekend. Maybe I’ll go and show some skin. While I still can ;) <---that's my excuse and I'm sticking with it.

I reserve the right to change my mind

I'm non committal these days. Some nights I'll pick out clothes to wear the following morning to work, but then when daybreak comes I end up going whichever direction I feel at the moment. And it may not be to wear tights and a skirt if I'm feeling cold and want to dress warm and cozy. My mood dictates my action and direction. Yesterday I had planned to string lights on my pergola, but after running around town all morning I was so tired when I returned home that I ended up spending the rest of the day on the couch. I accepted a birthday party invite earlier this month, although now I'm reconsidering going. Depends on what id rather do more when the time comes. Partying is not a priority. Although, it might be conducive to meeting someone interesting. Hmm, we'll see how interested I am in meeting someone new when the night of the party finally arrives.
There are very few things that I've made up my mind about and I'm perfectly okay with that. I prefer to fly by the seat of my pants, to wait and see where I'll be next, once I turn whatever corner I decide to take. I don't think life was meant to be written in ink anyway. Who truly has concrete plans? No one. What if tomorrow never comes? I want to have spent my days doing what I feel like doing and not living according to a plan that may or may not bring me joy, which, as far as I can see, is my raison d'etre. So all my plans are written in pencil. I don't have a do or die deadline to complete them. I'll get around to things when and if I feel like it, when it feels right. Or not at all. Thats life. I think it's best to take it day by day.

Another year around the Sun

I’m trying to figure out what I want to do for my birthday in two weeks.  Disneyland would be cool but the only person I can get to go with me on a Friday has to be picked up in L.A., which means I’ll be a driving sommamab*tch going from Pasadena to L.A. to Anaheim, then back to L.A. and Pasadena after a long day of running around like a big ol’ kid.  Once I considered all that, I thought maybe I’d get a massage and a mani/pedi, instead.  But that’s expensive and I’m not sure it’s even worth the money.  Maybe just the mani/pedi, but not all three. And then I thought that I could sure use a lobster dinner at my favorite seafood restaurant, but then that’s just dinner, nothing exciting and nothing new.  So now I’m thinking that maybe I’ll do all of that – get a mani/pedi, have my lobster dinner, and go to Disneyland.  I think I deserve it.  It won’t top last years’ birthday in San Francisco, but it’ll certainly come close.  Man, I love San Francisco.  I want one of those Victorian “Painted Lady” looking houses for myself before I leave this Earth.  I wish I could afford to travel right now.  I’d go to New Orleans.  Or maybe Italy, or Jamaica.  Disneyland will have to do for now.

Essence Atkins had a baby :), I’m clocking old lady hours, and other randomness

I’m so happy for her. I didn’t become a bonafide fan of hers until she starred in Half & Half (her hair and clothes stayed on point on that show) and then she got married and had the most beautiful, original wedding I’ve ever seen. It was simple and tasteful, nothing cliché about it, and they seemed to ooze love from their pores. And now she has this baby boy named Varro, which means “durable and strong,” according to internet gossip sites, born on Christmas. She found her +1. Yay love!

In other news, I got out of bed at 4am the other day and spent the entire day feeling just fine.  It was the most productive day I'd had in ages. I didn’t get tired until 8pm, lol. It felt like 10pm, though, as I could barely keep my eyes open. That night I slept for more than 10 hours!! And I felt great. I even when I woke up briefly at 5am and smiled knowing that since I’d gone to bed at 8 I would spend the following day sufficiently rested and not feel groggy. I’m so glad nobody called me that night. I rolled over at 5, looked at the clock and said “eh, I’ve still got some sleep left in me.” So I rolled back over and didn’t get out of bed until 6:20am. Since then, I’ve had a repeat of the same happen at least 5 other times. Es no bueno. Now I actually am feeling a bit groggy and need an afternoon nap to make it through the rest of the day. I think I have to come to terms with the fact that I’m getting old and can no longer do the things that I once could when I was younger. Like, eat pie and ice cream at 8pm and sleep soundly through the night (and not gain a pound). Nope, that pie woke me up at 1am, snuggled uncomfortably underneath my ribs. I had to get up and move around, force digestion.  While I was up, I picked out my clothes for work, ironed them, plugged my phone into the charger, put away some laundry and then I couldn’t fall asleep until about 5am when I had to be up at 6:30. So now I know I cannot eat or drink anything after 8pm, I have to have a pair of socks nearby in case my feet get cold, I need at least two blankets on my bed, my pillow should ideally be fluffed, and I MUST be careful of what I watch/Google before bed because I will dream about it and it will wake me up more often than not. Last night I dreamt that I was running a ratchet beauty salon and it had me exhausted in my sleep. So no more watching “Tabatha’s Salon Take-Over” before bed. The worst is when I dream about numbers, though. Ugh. It is an absolute nightmare trying to do algebraic calculations in your sleep.  The only numbers I like are the ones in my bank account.
I am becoming a fat, happy, high-maintenance, old lady :)

"Life is a fact" - Breakfast at Tiffany's

After an exciting seafood dinner at The Boiling Crab, I brought in the new year watching Breakfast at Tiffany's.  The first and only other time I'd watched it I didn't give it a chance but now I see why it is a cult favorite.  I never realized until now that Fred/Paul was a prostitute who had published one book years prior to meeting Holly Golightly, and hadn't found his muse until they met.  If you haven't seen it, check it out. I hear it's a classic.
So The Boiling Crab was an interesting mess.  Literally.  We ordered a dozen raw oysters, two pounds of snow crab legs, gumbo, and a pound of shrimp, all swimming in separate bags of messy, greasy sauce & seasoning - garlic flavored, lemon pepper flavored, and "The Whole Shebang" flavored.  My hands were an absolute mess when I finished, but I managed to keep my clothes out of it, thankfully.

I was very comfortable and content when 2012 finally arrived, in pajama's fresh from the dryer, clean sheets and pillow cases on my bed, fluffy pillows, and a chilled bottle of apple cider on my nite stand.  Oh, and a few Ghirardelli peppermint chocolate squares to go with it.  It was the perfect way to say goodbye to the year and begin anew.  

Not-so-great Gatsby’s

So another eager candidate joined The Dating Game. We’ll call him ‘Lanky guy’. He’s 39, 6’4, slim, an educator of special needs children, lives about 10 minutes away from me in the hood section of my city, is into holistic medicine, went to school in DC (he keeps mentioning that), no children, weird sense of humor, likes camping and hiking, collects records, calls himself a DJ but he doesn’t do any dj’ing and I’m not sure he ever did, he says he only likes rap music, and that’s all I knew as of Monday night. After our initial conversation in which he did the majority of the talking about everything under the moon, before I hung up he said he’d be thinking about me. That made me pause. He asked me to call him when I could. I said I’d call him after work the following day. He asked what time I got off. I told him that I should be home by 5pm. When the clock struck 7pm, and I hadn’t called him, he called me. This is after sending me two emails and a text message earlier in the day. Anxious, huh? Now, as per usual, I was slightly optimistic yet still cautious, wondering what was wrong with him. As it turns out, his issues are: he’s 39, which isn’t really an issue except he’s never been in a relationship that lasted longer than 1 year. He’s still single, no children, no prospects, has done practically nothing with his life, has lots of debt, is terribly indecisive, has “man baggage” (his ex-girlfriend wouldn’t commit after 5 years of booty calls and he couldn’t understand why) he’s lonely, sad, and is looking to be saved by marriage. Oh, and he seemed to freak out when I told him that I was once in a long-term relationship that produced a now 17 year old, college-bound son. I have no idea why that last tidbit seems to turn older men off. Do they feel threatened? Do they think it ruins their chances of procreating with me, as if I’m tarnished goods, as if their boys can still swim and are still healthy? I don’t get it and find it quite delusional and presumptuous. My nest will be empty in less than a year and will remain that way because my uterus has been placed in retirement. Now, whenever I tell them that little whammy, for some reason they’re not entirely turned off. They behave as if I’m joking and that they have the power to force my girl out of retirement. Silly birds, haven’t they heard of birth control? And the nerve of them assuming that I’d even let them anywhere near her. Men and their enormous egos are the bane of the entire world. So never mind who I am and what I dream about, he can’t see me for admiring himself. Forget what I’ve done and what I’m working on, it’s inconsequential to what I look like and what he imagines me being to him. The morning after our very first conversation where, remember, he did most of the talking about himself, he seemed giddy with excitement over the prospect of developing a relationship with me, someone he knew absolutely nothing about aside from what I looked and sounded like and the way I interacted with him on the telephone. (Kind of reminded me of the crazy 'Marry me' guy who asked me to marry him three times in one month after meeting.) He said “I’ll be thinking about you” with a giggle and a smile in his voice, before I promised him that I’d call him after work. But from the moment that I told him about my long term relationship, which I’ve now been out of for many years, and my teenage son, I could hear the enthusiasm draining from his voice. I could tell by his conversation that his excitement had waned, lol. Funny how that happens. I think he’s the third guy I’ve dated so far to do this. The other two were ‘African guy’ and ‘Skeevy Club guy,’ who happened to have two young children of his own. So if it’s not one thing, it’s a few others. Thankfully, I’ve weeded through them rather quickly and didn’t waste a lot of precious time. What I do waste time doing, however, is longing. Part of me wants to harden my heart and no longer care so that I can get on with other things without distraction, but I know that to live without romantic love is not living a full life. It is almost tortuous wondering and waiting and wanting. I throw myself into projects and for a while I am sufficiently distracted, but never for long. Maybe one of these days I will get better at distracting myself and forget what it feels like to be in a relationship. I don’t know whether that’d be good or awful. One thing I can say is that I do thoroughly enjoy living alone and having the freedom to do whatever I please. I don’t want to change that. When Lanky guy wanted me to call him back, it felt like a nagging chore. I knew I’d promised to call him but I really didn’t feel like it. There were at least 5 other things I wanted to do instead of talk to him. That should have been my cue that I wasn’t that into him and would be wasting my time trying to make something out of nothing. Maybe if I keep that in mind for next time, I’ll weed through guys quicker. Welp, the good thing is I’m learning a lot about myself. This is growth :)

Love; I miss it.  I dream about it all the time, day and night. Last night I dreamt that the artist guy was dating a friend of mines. I really have to stay off Facebook before going to bed. In the dream, he was dating her but it wasn’t clear that he actually liked her. It seemed more like an arrangement of some sort and she paid for everything while he seemed indifferent about the whole affair. Towards the end of the dream I was racing to the salon for my hair appointment with the hope that me having a fancy new hairdo might get his attention and turn him back my way. As if he ever really was digging me in the first place. Dreams are so silly.  Well, mine are at least.  Anyway, I miss romance and intimacy and, honestly, I miss the idea of sex more than I do the actual act. Where sex is concerned, it’s been my experience that my fantasies are often much better than my realities.  I’d say my sex life over the past 20 years has been 45% wow.  But my fantasies? WOW! I have one hell of an imagination!  It’s the intimacy of sex that makes it great, not so much the physical act, in my opinion.  

So yeah, I'm missing love again.  This poem by one of my favorite authors sums it up perfectly:

“Love entered in my heart one day 
A sad, unwelcome guest. 
But when it begged that it might stay 
I let it stay and rest 

It broke my nights with sorrowing 
It filled my heart with fears 
And, when my soul was prone to sing, 
It filled my eyes with tears. 

But...now that it has gone its way, 
I miss the dear ole pain. 
And, sometimes, in the night I pray 
That Love might come again.” 
― J. California Cooper

When I pulled into my driveway last night, I saw a baby possum run into my backyard. since that crazy windstorm about a week ago, I haven't had the time or energy to really clean my yard the way I should, and so now it seems I have some unwanted neighbors - a family of possums. Yuck. There are leaves, tree branches and other debris all over the neighborhood, still, and I'm worried that if the city doesn't come and pick it all up soon, even more rodents will move in. I cringe at the thought. Time, I wish I could buy it. I wish I could manage it better. It's more valuable than money. If I had more time I would be in much better physical shape, which would presumably give me more energy to do all of my chores as well as the things I want to do for recreation, and I'd complain less about not being able to fit everything in. I'd be less stressed and there wouldn't be a family of possums in my backyard.

The meaning of Christmas

Every year around this time I hear the belly aching, the complaints, the bah-humbugs about Christmas and how commercialized it has become, and I wonder why so many otherwise smart people allow others to dictate what this holiday means to them. (Not too long ago, I had a case of the bah-humbugs myself) Christmas means different things to different people, obviously. As for me and mine, gifts have never outshined our love for one another. Every year we watch the decorations go up around town, put up some of our own at home, revel in the warm spirits all around, and get excited about coming together as a family to celebrate our love for one another and the blessings the year has bestowed upon us. Not many make it to the end of the year, or feel they have much to celebrate. But if you have breath in your lungs, it is my humble opinion that you, too, have something worth celebrating - the hope for better days, the chance to live the life you’ve always dreamed of, or one even better than you’ve imagined, for starters. Yes, family and love and life should be celebrated all year long, theoretically, but how many of us in this day and age regularly take the time out of our hustle and bustle lifestyles to stop and celebrate our families and friends and the love we share? How often do we stop and spend an entire day together, and sometimes an entire month, giving thanks for our blessings, safety, and fortunes? And where’s the harm in doing it in December? It’s a huge celebration of life and love. For some it’s the celebration of the life and love of Christ, but for many, whether they know it or not, it is the celebration of our own lives and loved ones. And if you’re at all religious you’ve likely heard that Christ loved us so much he died for us to live. And even if you aren’t religious at all, you’d have to have a pretty cold heart not to feel the joy and hope in the hearts of your fellow man, woman, and child during Christmastime. It’s infectious, love is. So resist the urge to be an Ebenezer Scrooge and give in to love, and give a little shout about your life and hope, and the lives and well-being of others. It bodes no one well to focus on negativity when positivity moves you forward, lifts you up, and benefits us all. Christmas is the one time of year when everyone has an excuse to be good and giving ;) And if you don’t have a family in the traditional sense to spend it with, create your own. Serve in a soup kitchen, give to the less fortunate, volunteer, invite friends over or invite yourself to a friends’ house. If you know me, meaning we’ve at least spoken at length before, consider this your invitation to spend Christmas with me and my family. I promise, there will be no shortage of entertainment and love, lol.

One of the best Christmases of my life was spent in Hawaii with my son in 2009.  It was just the two of us, no tree, no gifts, just us and it was absolutely great. Then we flew home and ended up spending Christmas day at my ex’s sisters house with all of his siblings, nieces, and nephew's, both of his parents, and a handful of cousins.  Still no gifts, just good food, laughter and love.

What’s wrong with him?

It’s sad that these days the first question that enters my mind when I’m attracted to a man is “what’s wrong with him?” There’s always something but will it be something I can live with or that I have to live without? The last three guys I was attracted to all had problems I couldn’t bring myself to ignore. One smokes weed, can’t spell, is passionately Christian, yet doesn’t attend church (how the… hell? Lol), still lives with his mother, thinks he has haters, and believes that the US is being run by the UK, among other things. Another one is a patsy for his older brother, thinks way too highly of himself because he went to FAMU, said he’d never listen to another MJ song or support the Jackson family again because Conrad Murray was “wrongfully” charged with his death, claims that there are black people and “n*ggas” and that he is the former, said JLo is “officially” putting her career before a man because she performed at the last awards show (huh?), and is basically an idiot who doesn’t know he’s an idiot. A third one is a highly judgmental, issue-laden, passive-aggressive, stalker asshole (hi! :)). Island boy is a homophobe, doesn’t go down, said vagina reminds him of the predator unmasked, doesn’t see anything wrong with having lots of children that a) he is not in a position to take care of financially, b) all have different mothers, and c) he does not live with or see regularly. He is also cheap, and a huge liar. I could go on but it doesn’t get any better. All signs are pointing towards me being single and sexless for a long time. One of my good friends has been single and sexless for over 28 years. She just recently landed her first boyfriend ever and is ecstatic. Talk about patience and holding strong to your convictions! She inspires me and I’m thrilled for her but the pessimist in me is still leery. She knows I love her though so I’ll gladly be the one of us that worries while she basks in the joy of couple-dom. Meanwhile, I’m sewing, attending classes, working on my house, traveling, paying for Netflix and Direct TV, and hanging out with platonic friends and family, hoping that someday soon I can live with somebody’s imperfections. And honestly, I’d settle for two out of the four above losers as non-live-in boyfriends :( Which two? Does it really even matter? Le sigh.

I’m in a really good mood today.  I generally don’t like to post when I’m not feeling so great, which has been often lately, hence me not posting as much as I have in the past.  But recently, my spirits have been up.  I feel light and airy, lol.  I’m not worried about anything, even though I still have many of the same challenges (fighting that ticket in Malibu, issues with my ex, etc.) that I had before my current disposition.  I think it stems from the great time that I had with my family on Thanksgiving.  Everyone is still talking about it and we’re all closer than ever.  My niece, the one who is usually surly, has been unseasonably sweet.  She answers her phone now when we call, lol, and drove my mom and little cousins all around town two days in a row.  My cousin called just to check on me the other day.  And the “little ones” can’t stop talking about the fun they had with “Tee Tee”/my mom and I shopping and going out to eat on Friday.  Everyone is on a cloud except my trifling cousin (the mermaid) who didn’t join us.  She spent the holiday with her recently-released-from-prison, boyfriend, and prior to, spent a lot of time berating her son for the crime of simply breathing.  She does this all the time.  This time, though, it was enough for all of us to just write her off as a nutcase, and move on with our lives, for his sake (poor thing) and our sanity.  That broad definitely aint working with a full deck.  Anyway, last night I had a dream that solidified for me that I am finally and completely over my ex.  In the past, when we were togehter I had dreams where he would behave as his usual asshole self and I would plead with him to stop so that we could be in love again, then I’d wake up sad.  But last night during part of my wacky dream (and it was wacky, no doubt, but that’s another post) he showed up and tried to get huff and tough with my cousin, T-man, who turned and asked me “Do you still love this n*gga?” and I replied “Hell no! Do what you got to do” so T proceeded to whoop his ass.  I told you the dream was wacky.  Anyway, I awoke feeling no way about it at all.  I just acknowledged it and proceeded with my day.  That’s a sign of progress!  I’ve come a very long way and now I feel like I can really move forward with my life. 

Thanksgiving Day Dance Off

The last few years we had been estranged.  One person wasn't speaking to the other then someone chose sides while everybody had an opinion and an attitude about someone else's business, or someone else's doings, and other unimportant-in-the-grand-scheme of things, stuff.  But this year we all came together and it was clear that we all truly missed each other.  I know I did.  We met up in Carson at my cousins house and ate, drank, laughed, and loved on one another.  The twins must have kissed my face a hundred times.  Then we pulled names for a Secret Santa gift exchange.  Above and below is crappy video footage of just a little of the fun we had (my camera SUCKS! It kept running out of memory so it wouldn't record for more than seconds).  The kids were battle dancing and my mama served 'em, but, alas, my camera was acting finicky at that point so I only have to share what is posted here.  Hope you enjoy watching my relatives having fun :)