Sunday, June 24, 2012

Unrequited crushes suck. And I cant catch a break, it seems. If I'm interested, *he's not. If he's interested, I'm not. And round and round we go, getting nowhere. I'll be unhappy if I settle or if I don't. Although I'm sure I'd be even more unhappy if I settle. I'd much rather not torture myself. Being open to love, whether it ever comes or not, is much better than closing shop and settling. In other news, we got a dog. A 7month old pit terrier mix and he's a pretty good dog, as puppies go. He's already crate and house trained. He pulls the leash when walking and is becoming a little nippy, but thats minor compared to how destructive puppies can be. But it's only day 3. We'll have to wait and see how things go. The first night I had major anxiety and owners remorse. I was kicking kyself for giving in to my sons pleads to adopt him. But by the 3rd day I was fine and it was my sons turn to have owners remorse. He's feeling like a burdened new parent, like his freedom is gone and his puppy wont listen to him. I knew he had no idea what he was getting himself into. But at this point I've already invested over $700 into this dog so he'd better figure something out soon. I'll give him a few weeks and then we may have to have a talk about things. Clearly he didnt think about the 15 year responsibility this puppy would become. We shouldve gotten a much older dog. But it's whatever. We have Axl now.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Instead of being in the moment and enjoying it for what it was, I kept trying to live my fantasies, kept striving to change my reality into the one I'd always imagined, and before I realized it, 18 years had gone by and I'd practically missed them all. I regret waiting for the "right" time, waiting for the ideal situation, trying to plan a life instead of living one. To be fair, it wasn't easy to let go of those fantasies while fighting to survive, remain whole, to eat, and to raise a child and ensure that he had the best childhood I could muster with the money and time that I had. But I feel like I sort of missed it; 18 whole years gone and now it's too late to give him a sibling, a dog he can grow up with, I almost missed giving him a yard. By the skin of my teeth I'm here. I just wish I hadn't had to work so hard to get here. Going forward I plan to live more than I prepare for it. Because what a tragedy it would be if I was here, alive and able, yet I missed the entire event waiting for perfection. Today my son graduates from high school. To say that I am happy and relieved to see him reach this milestone is an understatement. I've literally dreamed of this moment for years. I've even pictured myself crying in the audience as he recieves his diploma and looks my way to smile and say "thank you." This was no walk in the park for me. This was harder for me than it was for him! And now he's here :) right on the precipice of completing something that was a very arduous and long time in the making and I could not be more proud and exhausted, lol. My job is done. I did it. Now I become his Parental Consultant :) It's time to celebrate. The frenzy to reach the finished line is over.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

horrible day thus far

I spent the last two days in Las Vegas, Nevada with my son, my niece, and my mother, which was great until this morning. My mother and I had a bad argument so we left earlier than planned.  Then all 4 of the freeway entrances that I knew of going south on the 15 were closed. We spent an hour driving around Vegas because everyone we asked didnt know shit and there wasnt even ONE gatdamn sign offering a detour. Not one.  Then we finally made it home and discovered that Seth, my sons leopard gecko of 8 years had died :( My step dad dug a hole behind our garage and buried him in the box our ziplock bags came in. At press time, we are both still sad :(
I'd previously written much more but I decided to delete it. It's off my chest now, no need to air ALL of my laundry.