Forgetting people

Sometimes, I get so caught up in my thoughts that I forget to be social. My focus is completing my to-do list and then, when everything has been ticked off and I'm all done, I get bored and remember that I've forgotten somebody. A friend of mines wants me to go with her to a swanky new hotel bar for happy hour and I keep forgetting. Or I'm too tired by the end of my workday. I'm not 25 anymore. My energy is scarce these days. Another friend of mines just moved into a new place and I have yet to visit. I've been meaning to take my mom and niece downtown for about a month, now. The other day I did a breakdown of my time and confirmed that I have none. 8 hours sleeping, 9-10 getting to work and actually working, 1-2 cooking dinner and eating it, 1 hour exercising &/or vegging out, 3 hours reading, writing, planning, showering, and prepping for bed. Thats it and thats all, folks. But my bills are all paid on time, my yard is neat, my house is clean, the laundry has been washed and folded AND put away, and I'm 4 chapters into one of the three new books that I'm currently reading. If I am to become a social butterfly, something's got to give. I just need to figure out what.

:(

I'm so emotional. I hate this time of month. Hormones going absolutely haywire, always tired, always hungry, bloated...yeah, it's never a good look. I often say that I need to hibernate and remove myself from the public until it passes, but I never do.  I suffer through it and sometimes others suffer because of me. Ha ha. Currently, I can't even look at 3 of my old crushes (who I've long since gotten over) on Facebook without feeling angry, resentful, and/or inadequate in some way.  Grrr. I hate men (currently).  And then there is this one super catty chick that keeps weaseling her way back into my life after I'm done with her snobby, obnoxious ass.  She is the most two-faced human being I have ever known and despite my best attempts to ignore her, she continues to pop up - on my facebook feed, in my email, the haunts I frequent, and in my light. Bitch, get out of my light!  I'm tired of it and it's taking every bit of my strength to remain an adult about it. I think this may just be the PMS talking but I can't be sure for another 2-3 weeks.  

Up early again. Lots on my mind. I didn't slowly become awake, I jolted. My mind was racing from thought to thought, worry crept up fast (I need to do this and that, and this and that...) and then suddenly my eyes flew open and sadness hit me. I have to write a letter to the California Public Utilities Commission and complain about being ripped off by my cell phone provider, I need to help my son with his FAFSA, I need to stop feeling guilty about things I shouldn't feel guilty about that unimportant people have tripped me into feeling guilty about. And while I'm at it, I have to learn to stop giving a damn about these unimportant people who bring absolutely nothing good to my life. They aren't important and they're taking up valuable real estate in my mind. That just won't do. It's waking me up at 4am. So I'm distancing myself, not going to be so accessible to everyone who knows my name. Just because we realize that the other exists doesn't mean we're actually friends or even good for each other. And just because you've seen my pictures, heard me speak, laugh, or we share kin, doesn't mean you know me. I am only intimate with those I trust, which aren't many. I've learned the hard way.
Later on today I am going to take all of these thoughts flying around in my head and organize them on a sheet of paper. They have to go. They are impeding on my focus. I'll organize them and hatch a plan to resolve them so that I can move on and get back to feeling at peace.

He asked me for my picture. I knew he would. I knew he wasnt just making idle chit chat for three days; he had an agenda. I wanted to just tell him "I'm not your type," but instead I sent him the most unsexy picture of me I had available. In it I am completely clothed, showing no skin at all, and I look thicker than I am. Oh, and I'm slightly crouched over, hugging Mickey Mouse. He was so curious to know what I look like, just dying to judge me by my appearance, I didn't feel that I had anything to prove. He'd completely forgotten that we'd met before. He passed right over me then, barely acknowledging my existence. He tried to sell me some music then but his dismissive behavior put me off. I'm not interested in anyone who can't truly see me, who isn't even trying to. Ive seen the type of girl he dates and I know what he values. Well, maybe I'm not being completely fair. Maybe, just maybe I should give him the benefit of a doubt and not judge him with only a partial view of his character. Perhaps my words intrigued him somehow and my looks ultimately meant nothing. It would be a rarity but not entirely implausible. I've never met a man who didn't put looks first. I'm sure they exist, I've just never met one. I don't believe that all men are shallow or think about sex first. Maybe my character is why he spent the last three days making small talk with me when I tried to make it clear that I had things to do. Whatever it was, he replied to my picture with Mickey Mouse pretending to be satisfied that the "veil" had been lifted. And then he went quiet. After three days of me finding message after message after message from him whenever I opened my mailbox. To be fair, it's only been a day. Maybe I'm wrong about his character. Though, somehow I doubt it. I could've saved us both the trouble by ignoring him altogether.

I know you’re tired of the usual – Trey Songz

I most certainly am. I need a little excitement, a quick thrill to get me through the next couple of months. My last good time was in September (damn! That was a long time ago). I haven’t worn that black dress since. Once and done, just hanging in my closet beckoning me. It’s been too cold, though, really. Every now and then we all need a bit of titillation and I’m well overdue. Time to shed some layers, come out of the cave, and strut my stuff. But where to, and who with? Hmm…I have a birthday party invite for this weekend. Maybe I’ll go and show some skin. While I still can ;) <---that's my excuse and I'm sticking with it.

I reserve the right to change my mind

I'm non committal these days. Some nights I'll pick out clothes to wear the following morning to work, but then when daybreak comes I end up going whichever direction I feel at the moment. And it may not be to wear tights and a skirt if I'm feeling cold and want to dress warm and cozy. My mood dictates my action and direction. Yesterday I had planned to string lights on my pergola, but after running around town all morning I was so tired when I returned home that I ended up spending the rest of the day on the couch. I accepted a birthday party invite earlier this month, although now I'm reconsidering going. Depends on what id rather do more when the time comes. Partying is not a priority. Although, it might be conducive to meeting someone interesting. Hmm, we'll see how interested I am in meeting someone new when the night of the party finally arrives.
There are very few things that I've made up my mind about and I'm perfectly okay with that. I prefer to fly by the seat of my pants, to wait and see where I'll be next, once I turn whatever corner I decide to take. I don't think life was meant to be written in ink anyway. Who truly has concrete plans? No one. What if tomorrow never comes? I want to have spent my days doing what I feel like doing and not living according to a plan that may or may not bring me joy, which, as far as I can see, is my raison d'etre. So all my plans are written in pencil. I don't have a do or die deadline to complete them. I'll get around to things when and if I feel like it, when it feels right. Or not at all. Thats life. I think it's best to take it day by day.

Another year around the Sun

I’m trying to figure out what I want to do for my birthday in two weeks.  Disneyland would be cool but the only person I can get to go with me on a Friday has to be picked up in L.A., which means I’ll be a driving sommamab*tch going from Pasadena to L.A. to Anaheim, then back to L.A. and Pasadena after a long day of running around like a big ol’ kid.  Once I considered all that, I thought maybe I’d get a massage and a mani/pedi, instead.  But that’s expensive and I’m not sure it’s even worth the money.  Maybe just the mani/pedi, but not all three. And then I thought that I could sure use a lobster dinner at my favorite seafood restaurant, but then that’s just dinner, nothing exciting and nothing new.  So now I’m thinking that maybe I’ll do all of that – get a mani/pedi, have my lobster dinner, and go to Disneyland.  I think I deserve it.  It won’t top last years’ birthday in San Francisco, but it’ll certainly come close.  Man, I love San Francisco.  I want one of those Victorian “Painted Lady” looking houses for myself before I leave this Earth.  I wish I could afford to travel right now.  I’d go to New Orleans.  Or maybe Italy, or Jamaica.  Disneyland will have to do for now.

Essence Atkins had a baby :), I’m clocking old lady hours, and other randomness

I’m so happy for her. I didn’t become a bonafide fan of hers until she starred in Half & Half (her hair and clothes stayed on point on that show) and then she got married and had the most beautiful, original wedding I’ve ever seen. It was simple and tasteful, nothing cliché about it, and they seemed to ooze love from their pores. And now she has this baby boy named Varro, which means “durable and strong,” according to internet gossip sites, born on Christmas. She found her +1. Yay love!

In other news, I got out of bed at 4am the other day and spent the entire day feeling just fine.  It was the most productive day I'd had in ages. I didn’t get tired until 8pm, lol. It felt like 10pm, though, as I could barely keep my eyes open. That night I slept for more than 10 hours!! And I felt great. I even when I woke up briefly at 5am and smiled knowing that since I’d gone to bed at 8 I would spend the following day sufficiently rested and not feel groggy. I’m so glad nobody called me that night. I rolled over at 5, looked at the clock and said “eh, I’ve still got some sleep left in me.” So I rolled back over and didn’t get out of bed until 6:20am. Since then, I’ve had a repeat of the same happen at least 5 other times. Es no bueno. Now I actually am feeling a bit groggy and need an afternoon nap to make it through the rest of the day. I think I have to come to terms with the fact that I’m getting old and can no longer do the things that I once could when I was younger. Like, eat pie and ice cream at 8pm and sleep soundly through the night (and not gain a pound). Nope, that pie woke me up at 1am, snuggled uncomfortably underneath my ribs. I had to get up and move around, force digestion.  While I was up, I picked out my clothes for work, ironed them, plugged my phone into the charger, put away some laundry and then I couldn’t fall asleep until about 5am when I had to be up at 6:30. So now I know I cannot eat or drink anything after 8pm, I have to have a pair of socks nearby in case my feet get cold, I need at least two blankets on my bed, my pillow should ideally be fluffed, and I MUST be careful of what I watch/Google before bed because I will dream about it and it will wake me up more often than not. Last night I dreamt that I was running a ratchet beauty salon and it had me exhausted in my sleep. So no more watching “Tabatha’s Salon Take-Over” before bed. The worst is when I dream about numbers, though. Ugh. It is an absolute nightmare trying to do algebraic calculations in your sleep.  The only numbers I like are the ones in my bank account.
I am becoming a fat, happy, high-maintenance, old lady :)