Emptiness

Despite having a son, a dog, friends, and family, I often have this terrible feeling of emptiness, as though I am alone and without the mental and physical stimulation that human beings need. I live in a decent home on a decent street in a decent town. I have a well-behaved (as puppies go) puppy. I have a well-behaved and easy going, son. So why do I feel like something’s missing? I rarely felt this way with Reg and I can’t stop reminding myself of that. Although, part of me knows that I’m just romanticizing the last year or so of the 15+ years that we spent together, and empty is exactly how I felt a lot of the time I spent with him prior to that. It wasn’t until we moved apart into different residences did I become mentally stimulated by him. We’d go to museums, gourmet pizza parlors, to get ice cream, brownies, breakfast… even a weekend getaway to Pechanga Hotel and Casino on his dime (a one-time event but never forgotten, nonetheless). But those instances weren’t often, which might be why they stand out, and when I think about it we’d just started barbecuing when I bought my house 3 years ago even though it seemed like that was something we'd always done. So I guess what I’m missing and craving is the companionship that I had briefly with him that I cannot get from my well-behaved, easy going son, my well behaved puppy, or my family and friends. 15+ years later and THEN he decided to behave like the man I’d needed him to be all along, after I’d left him. Isn’t that always how it goes, though? Ha. So really I’m not missing him, he reminded me of that when he got on my nerves the last time I tried hanging out with him. There were more bad times to fill the space between those rare and unforgettable good times.  What I’m missing is that brief glimpse I got of what he could’ve been and what I’d always wanted him to be. So for this 4th of July holiday I think I will imagine my life as I’ve dreamt it could be. I am going to fill up my wading pool, clean off my grill myself, and focus on being mindful of the decent things I have all around me, the possibilities for more, and the beauty that often goes overlooked and taken for granted in my life. I suspect the sun will be showing off a bit as it sometimes does in California this time of year and I intend to make note of it this time, soak it all in, let it go ham. I am going to acknowledge how fortunate I am and how much greater I can make things if only I put forth a bit more effort and paid more attention. You know how people always look happier in pictures than they did when the picture was actually taken? All smiles when really they were ambivalent the whole time about where they were, what they were doing and what was around them. They never even noticed until they looked at the big picture.  This isn’t always the case but when it is and you look back at those pictures and you see the things you passed off and didn't fully appreciate, you realize that you actually had a great time and should’ve been more in the moment, appreciating the gift that particular day had brung. Instead, you were too busy being unfocused to realize things were great until it was over.  Or you focus on the "over" part and can't fully enjoy the moment while it's happening and bringing you joy because you're busy worried about when the joy will come to an end. I did that about a week ago while hanging out at a bar with friends.  GREAT time, until I started thinking about going home. 
My life is actually pretty swell when I look back at pictures of it and reminisce.  I'm getting better at being in the moment, though I'm not fully there yet.