I used to have a neighbor whose husband beat her almost daily.  Her name was Nicky and this was back when I lived in an apartment with my mom during my teens.  Nicky and her husband’s bedroom was directly below mines so I could often hear him punching and kicking her, yelling and berating her, even calling her mother on the phone to tell her what an awful daughter she had, all while Nicky cried and moaned.  Some days she wouldn’t come outside. I think it was because he didn’t want people to see her bruises.  But then, when she did emerge from their dirty apartment she was usually giggly, jovial, and all smiles.  And she had a really wide mouth so those smiles were huge, even despite her missing a few teeth.  She and I had become friends probably because we were somewhat close in age – she was 21 and I was going on 16. I remember she once told me that she loved sucking her husband’s breasts and found him to be incredibly sexy.  He looked like a gross, potbellied, stinky ogre to me, hair always unkempt and t-shirt always dingy.  She had two small children at the time, both under 24months old, and the four of them lived in that apartment with her mother-in-law, who never said a word about her son beating Nicky.  In fact, no one did until one day word on the block was that the neighborhood gang members were planning to catch Tom, her husband, and beat him. Tom heard about this so he stayed locked inside their apartment for weeks.  I can’t remember if I had ever asked Nicky why she stayed with him.  I probably didn’t at age 15/almost 16, but I think I might now, at age 37.  I just came to believe that there was something about their toxic relationship that she loved.  Maybe it was the passion of the beatings, all of her senses fully engaged, that made it a drug for her.  Adrenaline is addictive, isn’t it?  They’d usually end up having sex afterwards.  Or maybe she had never known love any other way.  I figured it wasn’t for me to understand.  After they moved away I often wondered about her, hoping he hadn’t killed her or put her in the hospital, hoping that their children were safe and happy.  Clearly, I still wonder.