There’s a bridal shop on Fair Oaks Avenue not too far from my house that I used to pass every morning on my way to work, and every day without fail I’d slow down a little bit to admire the dresses in the window and fantasize about my dream wedding and my ideal relationship. Perhaps it was a steady diet of Cinderella stories growing up that caused me to do that then and remain hopeful now, even if just a little bit, that fairy tales do exist. I was in a relationship at the time that I’d been in since I was in high school. Although I hated to admit this, it was sort of just like my grandmother said. She said that women often settle with who wants to settle with them, and not the other way around. She told my mother and my aunts to love who loves you. When my mother first told me this story I was outraged because it contradicted everything I’d been taught and force fed my whole life. It defied fairy tales where love is mutual and magical, and was really quite depressing. I overreacted and I see now that what she said was partly true.

I loved my ex dearly and it was all by happenstance. I loved him because he loved me (immensely) first and what I’d really wanted at the time was just to love and be loved. So I settled with him because he was good enough and he wanted so badly to settle with me. I was sure that this relationship was my happily ever after. Then he started to treat me differently, with less love and affection, and the heart that I’d built up around him began to break. Today he swears that he’s never stopped loving me and never will. That it was all due to his youth and immaturity, his fear of losing me. But what’s done is done and lessons are learned.

I never needed to be saved. A man isn’t the ultimate prize.

It wasn’t all bad, though. There are tons of fond memories intertwined, a lot of honeymoon phases but not nearly enough for me to remain where I probably shouldn’t have been in the first place. When I left my primary regret was that I couldn’t make it work no matter how hard I tried. I couldn’t control the outcome and I couldn’t live happily ever after with him. I’ve since come to terms with that.

We’re still friends. He stops by and mows my lawn from time to time and we hang out on occasion. I’ve thanked him for the good and the bad times. On those rainy days it feels good knowing he loves me. My girlfriend once told me that he is my parachute. Whatever that means.

I know I talk a lot of jazz about dating and becoming a Golden Girl and all but, honestly, I’m enjoying being single. I’m pretty self-sufficient and I enjoy my freedom immensely. Relationships take a lot of work to maintain and right now I’d kind of like to take it easy. Just give me the romance, for now.

Have you ever noticed that every fairy tale ends after marriage, anyway? Ha! We never actually see them living happily ever after.

I still check out the dresses in the window whenever I pass that bridal shop, which isn’t as often these days. It was a fantasy, a Cinderella tale to wear the gown and be the belle of the ball. Now it’s mostly nostalgia for who I was. The dresses are still gorgeous but marriage no longer looks so appealing. Not in the traditional sense, at least. However, a marriage where two adults respect one another, are self-sufficient and know how to compromise and reason fairly sounds like a dream to me! :D

I do want to get married. But I won’t marry simply for the sake of being married. I don’t care about appearances. I don’t want to pretend to be Cinderella. My goal is to live happily ever after, married or not. I'll be fine either way.

I like to think I make him smile

I like to think that whenever he thinks of me or hears my name a smile spreads across his face and his eyes light up. His eyes are gorgeous, his mouth is too. I've been sort of flirting with this guy who's a bit younger than me (aren't they all :/) and I don't think he knows it, which is kind of my intent. I don't want him to quite know it. I just want him to smile when he thinks of me and laugh when I joke and play with him, and play back. So far, so good. He's generally a quiet, sort of shy cat but when I show up he blossoms :). And when my competition talks he just nods politely, no smile, very few words, if any. And that makes me smile. I don't know where I hope this goes but for now making him smile is keeping me just peachy.

But Bonita’s got a big ole butt…so he’s leaving you (see ya!)

You mean to tell me I have to have game now, too? More and more I’m realizing that physical attraction isn’t enough to get a guys phone number these days. Not that I’ve tried that and failed. I’ve gotten plenty of phone numbers… and then I’ve failed, lol, but that’s sort of another post. Right now, I’m specifically talking about there being so many “attractive” (to each his own) women out there with a multitude of qualities to offer a guy that, naturally, with women outnumbering men, guys are being pickier now more than ever. And lazy, but that’s a separate beef, too.

So here I am trying to be the best butterfly I can be and I’m still coming up short because “Bonita’s” got an extra quality that I probably didn’t mention in my initial interview. Maybe she gives head on the first date and has no qualms about admitting it. That’s what I’d like to think at least. But in my girlfriend’s case, her man of over a year and a half decided to leave her because the next girl had her own house. I’m not kidding. They were living together, engaged and behaving like a normal family with two kids, neither of which were his. Then one weekend they drove to Las Vegas for his brothers wedding and he met another portly single mom who wasn’t any prettier than my portly friend (she was tackier though. I saw pictures) and began having a long distance phone/internet affair all because she bought a house in the desert and has connections in the real estate market. I’m not kidding, he actually told my friend this when they were breaking up. He wants to be a realtor now.

And that’s all it took. It didn’t used to be like this, did it? Men are the new women and women are the new men?

Women outnumber men in the U.S. — among adults 25 and older, 103 million are women, 96 million are men. Now, of that 96 million, how many are in jail? How many are crazy? How many have anything going for themselves? Right :(

Looks like I'll be keeping my toe in the "Jungle Fever pool," Rashad, lol.

White Boy Fever

There must be an acute case of Jungle Fever going around because over the last few weeks I have been hit on by an abundance of white boys, which never happens. Some cute, some not, and a couple I could see myself giving a real chance if only they weren’t so shy and knew how to seal a deal with a sista. Because I’m sort of shy too, so unless one of us has balls enough (literally) to say something this won’t go beyond coy smiles and batting eyelashes. I thought the Guy from the OC had fallen off entirely but it turns out he just had midterms (did I mention he goes to Cal State Fullerton?). He sent me a long email yesterday explaining why he's been MIA for a few days. I don’t think we have a thing in common but that doesn’t seem to bother him. Eh, we’ll see where this goes.

As I sit here gobbling up a bag of Raisenettes

I'm sort of regretting my decision to get satellite TV. Less than a month in and I've already had a couple of phone fights with DirecTV customer service reps, which I'm thinking is a sign of things to come over the next 23 months of my contract. Bad things to come. :( Then, I can't turn off the tube. I'm "dating" Ahmed Hassan from Yard Crashers (in my daydreams), and cheating on him with Dhani Jones (I would so eat his taco meat). And speaking of eat, Man vs Food is bringing out the fat chick in me, inspiring me to want to cook more. This could be a good and a bad thing.

Why did I follow the crowd and decide to pay for television??

Anyway, I'd planned to do some reading tonight, exercise for an hour and wash my hair. All I've done is wash my hair. Maybe I'll get around to the rest of my to-do list tomorrow :/

A Dozen Things I Can’t Live Without (aside from food and water)

1. Naps – I take the best power naps in my car at lunch time. It’s like a quiet, warm little cocoon and probably just what it felt like being in the womb before birth. I bought a pink airplane-sized pillow for the occasion, which helps me fall asleep quickly and effortlessly. My work power naps last no more than 40 minutes, sometimes a little less, and they give me a boost of energy to finish out my day at full steam. They’re grrrrrreat! © Tony the Tiger

2. Boy shorts – wearing them feels like sitting on a cloud, they’re akin to going commando, only better. Smooth seams so no panty line, and no elastic bands to cut into your legs like bikini’s or granny panties. And nothing sticking up your nasty ass booty collecting all manner of bacteria and grossness like an uncomfortable thong. Yuck. Plus, the right pair will give you lift in the derriere J

3. A pen and paper – I write to-do lists religiously and derive great joy from ticking off completed items. It’s cathartic, I feel super productive, like my life is moving forward and my goals are being attained. I’m getting stuff done and in the process I’m gaining peace of mind. My thoughts are constantly shifting so writing them down helps me to keep up with them. Don’t want to lose any good ideas ;)

4. Lipgloss – better than lipstick, which often leaves your lips feeling dry and chapped, lipgloss adds shine, it magnifies and enhances the mouth while moisturizing your situation © Puffy , so whenever you talk your lips move fluidly without sticking (unless youre using MAC lipglass. That shits like Elmers) and feel protected from the elements, lightly wrapped in buttery smoothness

5. Music – It moves you. Feeling sluggish and got work to do? Turn up the tunes and get your chores done while dancing around. Music inspires you, it wakes you up to get off your duff and be productive. It gets the mental juices flowing as well as amps up the body for some light cardio. Wiggle and dip while youre washing the dishes.

6. My son – he spent part of his spring break (Thursday through Sunday) at his friends’ house and I missed him terribly. I had no one to cook for so I ate a pb&j or something microwavable. I had no one to watch my Netflix with, and at night I closed my bedroom door tight and pushed my dress form in front of it just in case someone broke in while I was alone.

7. My mom – they cut the cord many, many moons ago but I’m still very much connected to her. I talk to mi madre at least once a day, but usually more. She is my parachute, my emergency get out of jail free card, my confidant and sounding board, my advisor, my security blanket, and my biggest cheerleader. How on earth could I make it without all that?? I couldn’t, I’d be lost.

8. My privacy – There are days when I’d like to do nothing more than be human. That means my guard is down, my legs might be unshaven, my hair is topsy turvy, and you might find me on the couch scratching myself while eating lying down. Basically, all the stuff us human beings do when nobody’s watching and judging us.

9. My clan – As much as they annoy me at times, it’s good to know that they are mine and I am theirs. We’re stuck like glue; we’re obligated to get on each others nerves, to love each other, and to socialize on birthdays and holidays. We are never an island. We’re a village.

10. Indoor plumbing – need I say more?

11. My toothbrush – I gotta have it. I’d lose my mind walking around with yuck mouth. No, really. ...Perhaps I’ve already lost a bit of it considering how passionate I am about my toothbrush, L

12. A comfy pair of pajamas – I’m obsessed with them.

And that’s 12! It took me forever to compile this list, lol …but I’m glad I did.

They say they built the tracks over the alps between Vienna and Venice before there was a train that could make the trip. They built them anyway because they knew someday a train would come.

Any arbitrary turning along the way and I would be elsewhere, I would be different.

What are four walls anyway? They are what they contain. The house protects the dreamer. Unthinkably good things can happen. Even late in the game. It's such a surprise (c) Francesca, Under the Tuscan Sun

Tyra's Boo / Updates

Not bad, Tyra.

John Utendahl is a Wall Street banker who founded the United States' largest African-American owned investment group. Utendahl, age 50, is considered to be one of the most successful African Americans on Wall Street. According to the internet, they've been dating since '07.

Brief updates on previous posts. I called “the guy who’s wooing me” and told him that we needed a break and some time to reevaluate our friendship and he disagreed with me, saying that what happened wasn’t all that serious and that I was overreacting. We argued. Then he employed that talk-over-me-so-I-can’t-be-heard technique and I hung up on him. He tried to tell me that he wasn’t calling me a liar when he said that he found it hard to believe that I hadn’t checked my text messages since 3pm. I’m not sure what kind of English he speaks but that statement right there, here in America, means you think I’m lying. He basically tried his best to convince me that I was tripping and he was an innocent victim. So he’s fallen back. We’ve spoken since then and things seem cool but I haven’t seen him since the incident. I also called the “other” guy of another race and realized that we have absolutely nothing in common, plus he lives too damn far away (in the deep OC). He’s a tax attorney who dreams of starting a heavy metal band and is drastically, stereotypically white. I couldn’t relate so there was no connection. The single dad “other” hasn’t been able to find a sitter for his two year old so that ended before it could begin.

Yesterday I got a bit of my mojo back and now I’m feeling less like a Dorothy and more like a Demi. As I was walking back to my car to put coins in the meter, a well-dressed man with a full set of teeth and no b.o. (I said all that only to add credit to his sanity, lol) stopped and paid me a compliment. He said “you are one beautiful woman,” smiled, and then went on his way. Before that a male co-worker told me that I have a nice body, before quickly changing the subject, lol. There’s nothing like a little male validation to kick that mojo into gear and remind you that you’re still fine © Erykah B.

Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream

Make him the cutest that I've ever seen

Give him two lips like roses and clover

Then tell him that his lonesome nights are over.

Dear Lord,

I am patiently waiting for you to send me

Who is for me. I am becoming more and more disheartened and worried

And, who am I kidding? Frightened! L

That I may never know him

That I may not have a match anywhere in this big old world

http://prayerstoshare.net/request-60546/dear-lord-i-pray-for.html (this is how we pray today? (c) MC Hammer)

Why can’t I ever attract what I like? Why am I only attractive to those I’m not attracted to? Why is it so hard to find a match?

I’ve been watching the Golden Girls a lot lately on the Hallmark channel, laughing and smiling and then trying to imagine who’s going to live with me and my mother when I’m Dorothy’s age, unmarried and still trying to date. The “guy who’s wooing me” will be my Stanley Zbornack, if I’m lucky.

In this months Glamour magazine there’s a 45 year old woman pregnant by her 28 year old, handsome fiancé. There’s a picture of them both smiling like two Cheshire cats, hand in hand, seemingly skipping down a red carpet in couture. Demi Moore is on the cover looking fabulous, as always, wearing hardly any makeup and that hair that I’ve always been willing to die for (not really but you know, it’s gorgeous). My initial thought was “why is Glamour trying to sell us wolf tickets!?!? 45 and 28?? PREGNANT!? Get the fuck out of here, Glamour!” and my next thought was, “I wish I was Demi Moore.” Have you seen Ashton Kutcher?? Hummina, hummina, that man is fine. And they've been married for 6 years. I read the magazine back to front and then sat it on my ottoman, a glossy symbol of hope to look at every day when I get home, lol. Then there’s Lisa Bonet and Halle Berry, both shacking up with two drop dead gorgeous men. I’m trying to decide what separates me from them, aside from the obvious - white or mixed with white, rich, famous…beautiful? To each his own, I guess. I’m not hideous, at least... I don’t think, lol. However, I have been known to be wrong once or twice. Anyway, how can I be down? What do I have to do to get like them? Believe it or not, I’ve been getting tips from the queens on RuPaul’s Drag Race. Who KNEW you could fashion a dress out of a half bra and a couple of yards of material?? And have you seen their make up and hair!? Wow, times 12. Those bitches are fierce and they’re not even real bitches.

Maybe it’s LA that’s killing my love life, as silly as that sounds. There are way too many beautiful women out here to choose from. Plus, this city is much too large to just bump into your soul mate all willy nilly. I never run into anyone I know and I know hundreds of people. I’m beginning to lose my cool. I’d like to think that with each awful date I go on there’s one less frog for me to kiss and I’m getting closer to my prince. But I’m so sick of frogs (blech). And time has never really been on a woman’s side. Particularly not a black woman’s.

It’s that time of month when I seriously need a cheesecake and a chick flick. I think I’ll watch Tequila Sunrise tonight for the billionth time.

And now, the Queen of Soul with "Say a little prayer":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=STKkWj2WpWM

Good eats

I’m trying to cultivate a love for cooking. I figure since I love eating, I should also be 'bout it' in the kitchen to ensure that I always eat well.Usually though, I’m just slapping something together real quick and no culinary creativity is going on whatsoever. That’s an abomination, an awful contradiction. I think I'll watch Food TV and Emeril and stuff to get some tips and inspiration.

Here’s what I slapped together for dinner tonight: shrimp, scallops, noodles, sauce from a jar (alfredo with sun dried tomatoes), 25 minutes.

Before

After

He’s got to go

It’s extremely rare that I’m happy and delightful on a Monday, but yesterday I just so happened to be. At work I was highly productive, time flew by, and, despite being super tired from the holiday weekend, nobody was on my nerves. That is, until I got home. Now, when I reached my driveway I was still high stepping and smiling, still in “get’er done” mode. I started straightening up the place and making mental notes to do a slew of things I’d been putting off (watch that Netflix movie I’ve had for over a week, update the tunes on my ipod, paint my baseboards, paint my nails, relax, etc). But first I needed to get dinner started because I’m absolutely no good when I’m hungry and Cornish hens take a while to cook. So I washed and prepared two of those bad boys, seasoned them to perfection, peeled a fat sweet potato, cut it up and tossed it into a pot, cut up some cabbage and got it ready to cook, and then my house phone rang.

“Hello?” I said.

“Well! I see you have your own thang going on, huh?!”

It was “the guy who’s wooing me” claiming that he’d sent me three unanswered text messages and half-jokingly accusing me of purposely ignoring him.

“I find it hard to believe that you didn’t check your phone since 3 o’clock,” he said.

What.the.hell? At this point I’m quite perplexed, wondering why he felt I needed to lie to him. And I asked him just that. What happened to him wanting me to be happy? I could feel my happiness slipping away.

He said he wanted to come over and use the internet to take care of some business. Straight bullshit but I’m like “uh…whatever, okay.” So all my plans are put on pause. He comes in and camps out in my living room with his laptop and my TV on blast, effectively alienating me from my space. I mean, my house aint but so big, damn. At this point I’m so annoyed I could kick a newborn puppy in the knee caps.

My temperature is rising but I try to remain focused on my goals for that evening; I don’t want to be unhappy. So I retreat to my bedroom to read. I’m yearning for my space but I’m trying not to be mean because I don’t want to have to deal with hurt feelings. So I attempt to level with him and, in so many words, explain that he just can’t give me an hour’s notice that he wants to stop by and then expect me not to have anything to do.

I’m a planner. My work weeks are planned damn near down to the minute and one snafu in my schedule has the potential to derail my mood and get some folks placed on my shit list (I didn’t tell him that part). He gets quiet like a little kid who just got chastised and his feelings are obviously hurt. I’m getting one word, softly spoken answers to my conversation. He declines my Cornish hens, sweet potatoes and cabbage, saying that he’ll eat what he has at home. Later on he mentions that what I’d said was fucked up. Huh? How? Are you dumb or just plain stupid, Forrest? I don’t say any of this to him, though. Instead, I ask to talk to him about it so that I can try to make him see the dilemma he’s put me in. But he’s too busy on the internet doing “research” and says that he’ll talk to me before he leaves. That was at 7 o’clock. This lousy motherfucker didn’t leave until 10 o’clock and by then I just wanted him gone so I could go to bed. Fuck your feelings, get home safe, but don’t call me to let me know that you have because I’ll be asleep. I don’t want to see nor hear from him but if I do, he’s getting cussed (yes, cussed) out and hung up on. I have the feeling that he stayed over for so long just to spy on me and see if I got any phone calls or male company, which infuriates me even more. How DARE he try to cockblock!! He’s officially worn out his welcome.

On second thought, I think I'll get it over with and tell him by phone during my lunch break that we can't be cool like that anymore. This is totally my fault though. I shouldn't have ever believed that he only wanted me to be happy. How naive of me.

I swear, I don't think I could ever live with another man again. Not unless we live in a huge house with east and west wings.

The oddest thing happened

As soon as my crush with “the 6’4 brother” crashed and burned a miserable death, two guys of another persuasion began to openly admire me. I’m kind of shocked and not sure whether to move forward or take a seat somewhere. So far, I've been pretty apprehensive but I think I'm going to make a move soon.

Both are very handsome, both are over 6 feet tall, both seem to have their shit together, both are of another race, and both are hitting on me rather hard. I’ve never dated outside my race, and it’s not because I’m blindly committed to black guys and don’t find others attractive. It’s because none of the others have ever tried to date me before. Well, none that I was attracted to at least. So I’m a little lost here. This is unchartered territory for me, and I know that they say that a man is a man is a man but I just don’t buy that. Will these men be able to relate to me, understand me as a woman of another race and background?

So far, we’ve remained above the surface, sticking to the point of what brought us together while exchanging pleasantries and weather reports and what have you. One of them is a 39 year old widow with an adorable 2 year old daughter, the other is a divorced 33 year old with no kids. Meanwhile, "the guy who's trying to woo me" is still lurking about. I asked him what he wanted from me the other day – to rekindle our relationship? occasional sex? What? – and he said “for you to be happy.”

I had no come back. That’s what I want, too.

So... I’m curious to see exactly what these “other” two guys want from me. I figure I have nothing to lose so why not, right? If it proves to be something to write home about, I'll let you know.

I hate the term “cougar”

It’s far from a term of endearment, it's disrespectful and demeaning to women, and anyone who dares to even utter that term in my presence will, at the very least, get the look of death, if not a severe cussing out (yes, cussing). What’s the awful term for older men who hit on and date/marry younger women?? Can’t put your finger on it? That’s because there isn’t one!! And no, sugar daddy doesn’t count. It’s not nearly as used as cougar and there really isn’t a negative connotation to it. Shit, Hugh Hefner is a sugar daddy and he is widely admired. He lives in a house full of gorgeous, sexually liberated, young, white women and many men aspire to be him – rich and (presumably) oversexed by said white women. On the show Two and a Half Men, Charlie Harper is certainly a sugar daddy but he’s portrayed as living the good life on the beach in Malibu, unhindered by marriage, a happy bachelor with a matronly housekeeper and a job that allows him to make a lot of money loafing around at home (a jingle writer). The term cougar, on the other hand, conjures up an image of an old, wrinkly, horny, sagging, chain smoking, Magda trying to recapture her youth and independence by sleeping with younger men.

Oh, and it’s not just men wearing this term out, younger women perpetuate this lousy stereotype too. As if they won’t someday get older themselves. They’d better hope like hell that they look as good as Demi Moore, Halle Berry, Mariah Carey, Kerry Washington, Thandie Newton and other women over 25. Usually, the ones talking shit look 30 at 20 anyway, so I guess karma really is a good bitch. Keep drinking and smoking and partying it up, girls! :) Meanwhile, your lame boyfriends will continue to hit on me and my sistren. Ugh.

Anyway, this all came about because I just backed out of attending a friends’ 27th birthday bash after reading the reviews of the venue she's having it at on yelp. Every last one of them talked about the overabundance of “desperate” “loser” “divorcee” cougars who “failed” at life. So, considering that I’m over 30, and my friend and the majority of her friends aren’t, I decided to save myself from an unnecessarily miserable evening where I’ll undoubtedly want to fight every guy and goofy bitch in the joint who thinks the term "cougar" is cute...or worse, thinks I'm one :( . I’d be walking right into a makeshift set-up of Hell, no thank you. And now that I think of it, I had a similarly miserable time at her birthday party last year at the "oontz oontz" club where every chick wanted to be Kim Kardashian and every guy wanted *her to be. Not only did the music suck (they played "Push It" by Salt n' Peppa at least 4 times), but the whole scene was super pathetic - a rainbow of short spandex dresses and 20-40 year old men with beer guts and sports coats. She picks awful spots to hang out in. I do hope she has a happy birthday, though.This year it won’t be at my expense, fortunately. I'll make it up to her somehow.

I'm teary eyed! :)

http://www.firstgiving.com/paddlewithpurpose

So inspirational. I'm tremendously moved (that's what I wrote on her donations page after I donated $20 to the cause) She has renewed my faith in human kindness. Read the story, it's sort of great :D

Love don’t live here anymore

I think the apple of my eye, my secret crush has found himself a lady friend before I got the chance to pour my heart out. Ah well, perhaps it’s for the best and wasn’t meant to be… just yet ;) Fortunately, I’m not devastated. Just disappointed. But summer is on its way (YAY!!) so I’ll be casting my net far and wide for one of those Harlequinn type romances. I’ve never fucked with Zane.

But I need more gumption because I’m sort of lazy. I don’t put myself in nearly enough situations to meet who I like. Honestly, I’d rather crush than “crush”…make someone up in my mind because usually, once the loving starts, the crush-ee never lives up to the crush-er’s imagination. Not even close.

Damn flawed human beings ;) I’m kidding, but only sort of. Blame Omar

Anyway, I planned a long time ago to be happy and so far I’m still on target. One cute face (beautiful face, actually. Fucking stunning if you really want to know :/) can’t stop my flow. I'll mourn him today and turn the page tomorrow. Farewell, Romeo *sniff

"For you and I are past our dancing days"

Numb

I don't know how to feel. I'm sure I'm supposed to feel pleased in some way but...eh. 'The Guy Who's Wooing Me' has been nothing but nice for weeks now, going over and beyond the duty of a friend and, well...I'm still not interested in anything more than friendship with him. The company is nice, I appreciate the HELL out of the favors... but I just can't bring myself to feel affectionate towards him anymore. I spent a LOT of time (A LOT) getting over him and I would say I am sufficiently and completely over it. The feelings I feel don't go beyond general compassion for another human being.

But he's cooking, serving me meals in bed while I'm reading/watching TV, cleaning up, mowing my lawns (plural), edging them up, pulling up weeds, putting junk on the curb for me (I finally got rid of that washer, dryer and stove behind my garage), assembling my new country kitchen dinette set (Walmart! holla!), etc., etc., etc. And it's bordering on making me feel a little guilty because, even though he claims he's not expecting anything in return and is just being nice, I don't believe him. I think he wants more from me. Much more than I want to give. We've been down damn near every avenue together and ultimately could not make it work. History is long, but I don't see a future for us and I think he does. That's a problem I'm not sure how to handle. I'm afraid to level with him. I keep asking him why he's being so nice to me and he's pretending like it's nothing, not a big deal, but I know better. Some way, somehow I see this ending badly...because I just can't force my feelings.

I'm supposed to be enjoying this, head over heels, right? But I'm not. I'm grateful, but I'd rather pay him with money (not love) and be alone than go back into a relationship with him. And strangely, that worries me a little. I can't even explain it so I'll stop here.

I need a resolution

Every Sunday night I'm sad. Every Monday morning I wake up feeling sad, again. Yet Fridays, Saturday's and Sunday's my malaise is gone. I think my work is making me ill.

Now I'm watching Titanic and missing love. Oh, yeah, I got DirecTV installed today. Finally, lol. TV just wasn't a priority for me, especially when basic comes for free. But I went over my budget and paid off a few appliances so now I can afford this little luxury.

I'm so sleepy but I don't want this day to end...and I wake up sad.

About a month ago...

someone left an anonymous compliment for me on my formspring page, and ever since then I've grown obsessed with knowing who it is. I think I know. Or rather, I know who I'd like it to be. But if I'm correct, he may never reveal himself and that saddens me. Yet strangely, it makes me swoon even more knowing that he (she?) left the compliment without wanting anything in return. A genuine compliment with no ulterior motives :) Meanwhile, I can't stop thinking about who I think he is. But what if I'm wrong? Ugh.

Here's the page. Shortly after receiving the compliment I deactivated my account so when I reactivated it weeks later, the date was sort of left in limbo and never updated. It still says that I received it yesterday.

http://www.formspring.me/scout1

New Moon - try not to vomit

Now I’m all about teeny bopper and sappy sweet love stories but I finally saw New Moon and I have to say that was some grade A bullshit. I can’t even pick a team. I want to be on team Jacob but his voice is way too squeaky and I wasn’t really feeling his characters’ propensity for anger (while sounding like a pip squeak, lol). Wth? Okay, so you’re a werewolf but do you have to be a loose cannon? You can't be cool? So he’s now a dangerous character, too. Bah. I liked him better when he was sweet but no nonsense. Then, one of the wolves in his pack “accidentally” scarred his fiance’s face really badly in anger but they’re still together and very much in love and, of course, he’s so so so so sorry. He just can’t help himself. FOH.

And Edward is just plain creepy looking. Super pale, emaciated face with red eyes and red lips is hot? Nothing he could say would make me melt. I don’t know what the appeal is - fear, danger, violence? If so, the folks responsible for this book and movie are fucked in the head. Is this what we’re teaching our young girls? That love is brutal and painful and scary? Bella is eager to give up her SOUL for this fool! Her God-given SOUL! They’ve jumped the shark. I thought Mormons were opposed to this sort of malarkey. Lol. I thought it was a good thing Edward and Bella couldn’t consummate their love. Now, not only are they going to be fucking, he’s going to literally suck out her SOUL. This is beyond ridiculous. The metaphor is all kinds of wrong.

But the bigger question is…

…have I finally outgrown my beloved teeny bopper, sappy sweet love stories?! Hell nah. Teens today are just crazy, looney-bin every way you slice it. Although, Jacob is kind of fine (no pedo? Lol). Him shirtless and hugging Bella was the best part of the entire movie. Now he could love her without sucking out her soul first. But then there’s that whole brutal love thing :/

I shipped that flick back to Netflix so fast…

It’s a good thing I didn’t see it in theaters. I might’ve elicited a riot with my disdain. But in my own living room I was free to talk shit without angering the idiots.

Love is...

Love is not only blind, it can't count well either (c) Lilly, 65 (and George, 54)

Love isn't finding a perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly (c) Sam Keen

Love is not blind; it simply enables one to see things others fail to see.

Love is not a want, love is now a need (c) Maxwell

Love is patient, love is kind

Love is a battlefield (c) Pat Benatar

Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness (c) Bertrand Russell

Every time we love, every time we give, it's Christmas (c) Dale Evans

Love involves a peculiar unfathomable combination of understanding and misunderstanding (c) Diane Arbus

You call it madness, but I call it love (c) Don Byas

Maybe it's the weather that has me feeling this way :) Whatever it is, spread love (c) Take 6

I save my fortunes

Many of them, not all.Just the ones that sound good to me or reflect a wish I’d like to come true. “All decisions you make today will be most fortunate” reads one. “You stand in your own light, make it shine” says another. “No problem leaves you where you found it”... “A peaceful mind generates power” and so on. The very computer that I am typing this post up on is framed with fortunes from cookies I have consumed over the past four years or so. If I open a cookie and do not like the fortune, I don’t eat the cookie, lol. I’m slightly superstitious J and weird that way. Okay, that’s a lie; I’m pretty damn superstitious, lol. I don’t walk under ladders, I say “bread and butter” whenever someone says the same thing as me, simultaneously (picked that one up as a kid one summer in STL), I say my prayers every night before falling asleep (“…if I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take…”), and I believe that the energy you put out into the world will find its way back to you. What goes around comes around. It’s somewhat of a religious obsession. Perhaps a silly one but who’s it hurting? Right, so no harm no foul. Although some of it is precautionary. Like washing my hands regularly or locking my car doors when I get in to go somewhere, or holding my purse zipped and close to me to ward off theft. Does any of this ring familiar with you or do you just go with the flow of life without a second thought of what may come? Better to attempt to be safe, than to end up sorry, right? But I’m just babbling. Bah.

Whoa boy

The crush is back, and hard. Every time I close my eyes I see him. He's been a recurring theme in my dreams and they have been sweet :) I have to keep telling myself to keep it together (keep it together!) but it's so hard. There are days when all I want to do is fantasize about him, but then I'll get nothing done and that's no good. He is so beautiful to me. Man... A friends recent facebook status said "love with your heart and not with your mind or eyes." I'm not sure what I'm doing here, lol. But dios mio, c'est ci bon!

New pictures of the baby

My niece-niece (nephews daughter ;) )

She's getting sooo big!

Spring weather got me singing :)

Boy, do I love the sunshine. And we've been getting plenty of it lately. The weather man predicts it’ll be 80 degrees today and nice and bright until 8pm, which has me cheesing :D. Yesterday I got home and the birds were chirp-chirping away. I opened all the windows and let the warm breeze in while I flipped through a magazine on the couch and thawed out some chicken for dinner.

Then my boy came home and announced that he’d like to join the school choir. His graphics design class designed the backdrop for the schools upcoming rendition of The Wiz (he made the yellow brick road) so they all got to stay and watch the first show for free, and all that singing inspired something in my boy. He says that “people” tell him he has a nice voice and he really dug all the “emotion being released” by the choir, so he’s thinking of joining. I like that he’s outgoing and likes to try his hand at just about everything but I really wish he’d find something he loves and stick with it. He’s played almost every sport at the school, he’s in the graphic design academy, he was on the debate team, etc. and now he’s thinking of joining the choir. I know this aint nothing but him watching too much Glee on TV, lol. Regardless, I’ll support it as always. I wonder if this will stick though. He claims he wants to be an MMA (mixed martial arts) fighter. This is normal for 15 year old boys, right? He changes his mind like the wind.

My friend cancelled the gold party that was scheduled for today. Hallelujah! So this evening is free for me. I’ll clean house like I do every Friday after work, then I’ll hit the gym, come home and shower and wash my hair, then maybe go out somewhere. I think the “Guy that’s Wooing Me” is planning to stop by, too. Last night we talked on the phone and somehow got on the subject of books and reading. I love books and reading and I don’t remember him really being as fond as I am of either (I’ve known him forever). But he objected, saying that, as a matter of fact, he’s reading a book right now.

“What book?” I asked, and he didn’t want to tell me, talking about “You’ll just talk shit or make a big deal out of nothing.” So I pressed and pressed and wouldn’t give up, and finally he told me that he’s been watching the History channel right? and they aired some really interesting religious episodes, and since his super religious ex-coworker had given him *one for Christmas a couple of years back, he decided to pick it up and has been READING THE BIBLE. It was so hard for me to contain my shock and awe but I’d promised not to make a big deal out of this. He’s always been somewhat spiritual, he gets on his knees and says his prayers every night, but that’s about it. He says he’s more than halfway through it. I’m going to casually ask to see this book one day if/when I’m ever at his place. I just cannot imagine this. From anyone else I wouldn’t be surprised but I find it terribly interesting that he’s reading The Good Book.

I have become a curmudgeon

Fuck off, is my new favorite phrase. I don’t suffer fools or assholes kindly; or at all if I can help it. Lately, they’ve been in abundance, though. Or maybe I just noticed them the day I became a curmudgeon. Don’t bring me no bad news © Evilene, The Wiz

I’ve been cleaning house with a push broom, vacuum, and a whole lot of Lysol wipes. Anyone even remotely close to resembling drama gets 86’d, pushed out, wiped away. No time for it, bark up another tree, thank you. Nothing but peace and light over here. J

My patience is short and my temper is ill/chill, depending on *you. Basically, I’m getting too old for young bullshit.

I just sent one of my Facebook acquaintances a note requesting that they let me know now whether or not they are cavorting with someone who I have decided is heavy drama and messy. If it turns out that my suspicions are true, that’s one less person in my Facebook “friend’s” list. No hard feelings, but the drama monger in question has tried repeatedly to infiltrate my life and do damage. Not cool. So now I’m waiting on his response. If I don’t get one by tomorrow this time, he’s getting deleted. This is the second time I’ve asked and I’m oh-so serious.

How do you get past the hurt and truly forgive someone? Once your mind is made up, can it be unmade? I don't know if mines can. Tonight, that's troubling me.

I am exhausted. This morning’s earthquake didn’t help matters. I halfway bolted out of bed, my adrenaline pumping, thinking the planet wasn’t done rearranging itself after Haiti and Chile. Now, of course, they’re on the news saying this mornings 4.4 quake was a precursor to more quakes. They just love scaring us up. “The big one is going to hit in the next 30 years,” they said 15 years ago. Now they’re saying it again, “The big one is coming between now and 30s years.” They have no gatdamn clue, Ibet. They just love frightening people. Now my coworker is saying that we’re actually 150 years overdue for the Big quake. Great, just groovy. I’m adding museum putty to my list of things to buy this week and re-reading my insurance policy to see if I have earthquake insurance on my house. I probably don’t.

I need to pull myself together. Every morning I wake up on the wrong side of the bed and I don’t understand why. I could go to bed feeling great; I could spend all day feeling upbeat, in high spirits. But inevitably the following morning, as soon as I open my eyes and realize its morning, I feel incredibly sad. …Except during the weekends. I usually wake up ready to seize my day on Saturday and Sunday mornings. It’s like time stands still for me for those two days so that I can relax and get my shit in order. I’m not sure why this is but methinks it has something to do with my job. It’s a time suck. But I won’t get too far into that because you never know who is reading. Anyway, I seriously need to get myself together, get my mind back right, and I aim to.

In other news, I’m sort of geeked about my lunch pail collection J I just added an adorable shiny red and yellow Coca Cola one to the bunch and as I’m sitting here looking at it, I think I’ll photograph them all and post them up one of these days to show all 4 of you, my dear readers. In addition to the “coke box”, I have a Rosie the Riveter lunch box that I got from the Army Museum in Honolulu, a Wonder Woman lunchbox that I nabbed on ebay, a cheetah print one that I’ve had forever and don’t remember where I got it, and one with some zany little comic book character folks that I found at the bookstore. I get loads of compliments whenever I carry one of them, surprisingly, especially from the guys that I work with. They want to carry a lunchbox oh so bad but the talk is that it’s unmanly, so they’re living vicariously through me. Really. One day, as I was heating up my grub in the microwave, four of them were in the lunch room talking and the conversation shifted to how awesome my Rosie box is. They all want to bring their lunches but are at a loss as to what to carry them in. Brown paper bags look too goofy, and soft sacks look even goofier, lol, they say. So the one guy who cooks all his meals (like a champ, may I add. Dude even makes homemade soup and owns a bread machine) has decided to just stuff everything in Tupperware and tuck it deep down in his messenger bag, praying that nothing leaks. Further proof that being a woman totally rocks. I never worry about such nonsense. But I draw the line at Scooby Doo and Hello Kitty-type lunch pails ;)

Where are my tunnel vision glasses?

I think I’m being wooed. He’s doing all sorts of nice things for me. The movies and surprising me with a great dinner, all the help around my house, being a shoulder and giving me extra money just for good measure, making breakfast, lunch, and dinner...I won’t lie, it’s feeling pretty good but I know that’s only because he’s a comfort that I’m used to. He’s easy and it wouldn’t take me any work or (much) frustration to settle in with him. I’ve been there, done that already (quite a bit, actually). It’s tempting, but only because it’s convenient and nothing else looks as good right now. I have to remind myself why I left in the first place. Nothing has changed but time and there hasn’t been enough of it. I can’t lose focus.

But man, does it feel good.

The Naughty Girl Party was a bust

But the weekend overall was pretty nice. The fellas worked super hard on the yard and discovered that quite a few animals had made my backyard their home :/ Namely a huge yellow and brown lizard allegedly the size of a "small dinosaur!" (c) Miles, or "an iguana" (c) Reg, that they nicknamed Burt. They said that when they uncovered Burt, he/she poked his/her head out from beneath a pile of dead leaves and then sashayed out like "TA DA!" lol. They initially thought it was a snake, at about 2.5 inches wide and 15 inches long, and was ready to chop its head off. Then, as they continued to rustle the leaves, a school of "little Burts" scurried about, and Big Burt made its way behind the garage. Now, Burt I'm cool with because I figure Burt and the lil ones are the reason we no longer have a cricket infestation in the backyard. But then they found what looked to be like a rats nest behind the house :( Of course, I just about died when given this news. Thankfully, they cleared everything out, mowed the lawns front to back, pulled weeds, trimmed hedges and dug up vegetation on the side of the house so that I could lay down the three bags of red rock I bought. But I won't be laying down the rock until I chlorinate that area and kill it off. Oh, and they also found a mysterious piece of shit, lol. Literally, a huge piece of shit that some animal left back there. They think it's too large to have come from one of the neighborhood cats so they're guessing it's either possum poop or dog poop. I doubt it's dog poop, but whatever. My son picked it up with his glove and tossed it in the trash.

Anyway, it's such a wonderful feeling having the house cleaned inside and out.

The hostess of the naughty girl party wasn't very knowledgeable about the products she was selling. She wasn't sure what the second ring on the cock ring was for (until I told her it was for the scrotum, after which she gave me a smiling thumbs up), she called talc "talic powder" and she passed on introducing a few products because she admitted to having no idea what they were for/did. Regardless, everything was grossly overpriced and nothing was available to purchase on the spot. She wanted us to order items and then pay for shipping and handling so I passed, figuring I could get better deals online. The set up was nice and the food and drinks that my friend prepared were great. Halfway through the show, though, I found myself nodding off and thought she must be boring me to sleep. But then I looked at my watch and realized she had been talking for 3 hours! And the stripper hadn't shown up. So I asked my friend, who's house this was taking place at, if there'd still be entertainment and she told me that he said he wasn't going to come until after he went on stage at the club he works at. Not willing to sit around and wait any longer, that was my cue to skidaddle. I texted Reg to call me so that I could come up with an excuse to leave and then we were out. My arms, wrist and hands were full of lickable powders, potions, lotions and creams so I couldn't wait to hit the shower.

Other than that, I bought a nifty new cellphone, a bag full of delicious candles from Ikea (only 1.99 for those puppies!! Get you some, you'll love 'em), working on getting a kitchen estimate for a new kitchen (!!!), spent time with my loved ones, helped a friend out with a huge dilemma, and I got my hair done. This weekend rates 4 out of 5 stars :)

A handful pics from the party

Victory is MINE!!! I beat the Chinese!!

Dear VALERIE ****my last name****:   We have great news!  The billing dispute on your Citi(R)  Platinum Select(R) account for the transaction on 10/09/2009  in the amount of $160.00 at PAYPAL *SHOPPINGTOO  has been resolved.   The conditional credit previously posted to your account is  now permanent.   You'll receive a statement message or letter confirming  the action taken on your billing dispute.  If you have  other outstanding billing disputes, you will be updated  via email, statement messaging or other correspondence as  their status changes.   We appreciate your business and look forward to serving you. 

I WON! :) Those son's of bitches tried to stick me with some bootleg boots

It's the freakin weekend, baby

Tomorrow is my friend’s naughty girl party. I hope she’s not upset that I bowed out of going to New Orleans for the Essence Festival with her. It just wasn’t on my timeframe or in my budget, and would have been pretty irresponsible of me, considering I have um, bills and stuff. I told her this but I neglected to mention the potential drama that I see unfolding concerning her bff who’s meeting her out there… so far away from home, with the entire city sold out of hotel rooms, and nowhere to go in the event that this drama does indeed unfold. I’m not trying to be caught out there, especially after such a huge investment of time and money. My plan is, and has been, to go next year.

Anyway, so my old high school friend/play brother will be stripping for us tomorrow at the party and I have made a mental note to lug my big, hulking camera along with me to take flicks. This should be good and fun. He’s gotten buff and cute but his ego is so astronomical, it aint funny. And I’m sure he’s a huge manwhore these days, making up for all those high school diss days. Those are the worst; bitter and ready to make every woman pay for those pillow drenched high school woe-is-me-I-can't-get-no-love days. L So now he’s shaking it hard for the ladies, showing us all what we’re missing, lol. Wow, this is sort of tragic in an abused porn chick kind of way. But not quite because he’s getting pizzz-AID and not really taken advantage of.

So yeah, other than that, this weekend, now that the rain is gone, we will finally work on my front, back and side yards that are overgrown and need tending to. I plan to make Cornish hens for my hard working fellows J God bless ‘em. Oh, and I think I’ll be getting my Japanese lanterns hung in the tree, too!! YAY! My ex bro in law is coming through tonight to crawl into my attic and hook some shit up. Gotta love a man who's willing to crawl into dark, dirty, cramped spaces for ya, lol. So glad I’m still on good terms with these folks. *sigh.

Have a supercalifragilistic weekend, folks.

Randomness

- Is God trying to tell me something? I often think so, but especially now. So many signs are screaming at me. I don’t know whether to pull over or just take heed and keep moving. I’m proceeding with caution…sort of.

- Crushes rarely ever live up to their hype. I’m crushing hard right now. I write his name over and over and over. I whisper it in my head and I feel so foolish. I’m romanticizing a notion! It feels good but the wanting doesn’t. I wonder if I’ll ever get what I had back again. Right now, it’s like snow that won’t stick.

- Man, I wish I could get a glimpse into the future. What happens to me next? I have to prepare and pack appropriately. I hate being caught off guard and I ALWAYS am.

- I’m fucking up. I can’t seem to focus on any of the things that I need to focus on. I’ve tried regrouping and I can’t even focus on that. Ugh. I feel like I need to be forced to take a two-day nap. Like a big ass toddler.

- I wish I had a job where I could just think all day - Daydreamer, and involve others only when I feel its necessary. Tomorrow I'll probably want to be something else.

Should I be pissed?

I'm pissed. Almost 10 years ago I told a friend about a funny message board that I frequent. Then she and I lost touch. Unbeknownst to moi, she signed up for said message board and had been posting and chatting on there ever since, but only last year did she make her presence known to me. Of course, I reached out to her. We'd been friends since 7th grade. That's a grillion years of knowing someone. And what does she do? She fronts. This bitch fucking fronts! I was thoroughly offended. I mean, yes, I act the fool from time to time on that board but that's not ME. That's me uncensored with a laugh track and some red bull. She should know this. So I asked her what was up and she gives me some ol' pity response as if it's really not like that. Okay. Whatever. Fast forward to today, one month after I publicly signed up for facebook and I see that she is FRIENDS with one of my friends and hasn't said one fricking peep to me. I am so gatdamn offended I don't know what to do. Why doesn't she want to be my friend? And damn facebook for making me feel this way, lol. It's so ridiculous.

I'm still mad though. Bitch. My feelings are hurt.

Gold...party?

A friend wants to use my house to throw a "gold" party. She says people trade in their gold for cash and whoever hosts it gets a percentage of the money. However, she wants to split the money with me because she can't have another one at her house since there are limits on how many you can have. She says that people don't have to stay. They can come in, exchange their gold and leave. But how many people are going to actually do that? And if it's that easy, why even have it at someones house or call it a party? Something sounds fishy, right? She'd basically be getting paid to do pretty much nothing, the way I see it. I'd be the one put out behind this mess. I don't want to have to kick motherfuckers out of my house! Ugh. I hate trying to be nice when I don't want to. How do I get out of this? I have to come up with something.

Lobster guy called

That's this frogs name - Lobster guy. Previous frogs were Trumpet guy, Waiter dude, Pimp playa Himalaya's, Candy Cane, Model mayhem, and Freshly.

So yeah, Lobster guy called me this evening saying that everything was going well down in Florida and that he wanted to catch up with me since our date last Wednesday. But I called to follow up with him last Thursday, the day after our date, and left him a voicemail message thanking him yet again for dinner, showing concern for his alleged ailment, and wishing him safe travels. But he's calling me back on Tuesday, 5 whole days later.

He's had time to think. So have I.

My guess is, he's thought about that dinner, talked about it repeatedly with his only friend, and felt like a sucka. Although that wasn't my intention, he walked into that on his own. But now he's really going to feel like a sucka because it's too late to do damage control. Sorry. I'm kicking him to the curb for his actions that night, as well as him neglecting to call for 5 days. He's going to need to learn to perfect that poker face in the future. I figure he feels like that dinner was an investment and now he wants to collect sex. He fucked up though by waiting 5 days to return my call (when that isn't his pattern), thus giving me more than enough time to step outside of the situation and see it/him for what it/he is. That benefit of a doubt window closed on Friday. I no longer like him or want to talk to him anymore. In the span of 2 hours he got more than a dozen strikes against him:

1. rude to the wait staff

2. stupid

3. commented on my meal more than twice, as if it was a problem

4. embarrassed me

5. didn't know what justice meant, and thought I was insulting him (lol)

6. didn't know what euthanized meant

7. tried to chastise me about not insisting on a better table

8. admitted to abandoning his son, saying "that dude his mom married takes good care of him. In fact, my son is spoiled. He don't want for nothing."

9. Bragged about his car and finances yet acted like a cheap sonofabitch at dinner

10. Didn't return my call for 5 days

11. Didn't know how to pay a restaurant bill

12. Didn't think to make a reservation (although that one is minor, but still...I'm on a roll here)

13. Talked too much and too negatively about a recent ex, causing me not to trust him

14. I no longer trust his motives.

Anyway, I was polite to him when he called and he said that he would call me back once he returns to Cali. At which point I plan to confront the situation, give him my take on things, ask him his take, and then politely say that it was nice while it lasted, but PEACE BE WITH YOU MY BROTHER. I'm out.

I hope he learns something from this experience. I certainly have.