I’m in a good place right now. Moving forward and seeing progress in many aspects of my life. Growth is good :) It’s exciting, too. I always marvel at how far I’ve come. Boy, do I remember those days when I was always sad, stressed, and bent out of shape about something. All the things I wanted to do, dreamt of doing, saw others doing, and wondered if I’d ever do, are happening, will happen soon, or have already happened. I’m happy. I’m no longer worried. Not that everything is absolutely perfect and I wouldn’t change a thing if I could. Just that it is what it is (which aint too bad, actually) and I’m okay with it.
I miss my brother. I can still hear his voice saying “Val, this ya brotha…” on my voicemail. I can still hear him giving me words of advice about any and everything and I’m still taking heed. Whenever I need him, I just stop and ask myself “what would Darryl say?” and I have my answer. I’m better because of him. I just wish he were still here for me to tell him that. And I told him often but I loved him so much that it was never often enough. It’s still hard to believe he’s gone, and so suddenly, without warning. I loved that we looked so much alike, too. His round face helped me come to grips with my round face, lol. I looked at him and realized there was no escaping my genetics, haha. No diet, no exercise, no nothing. But sharing those genes with someone like him made me proud of them. I remember when he told me, as matter of fact and plainly as ever, that the artist guy was gay. He’d never met or laid eyes on that man but from what I told him about him, he was positive in his assessment that he was not interested in women, but preferred men. Without a doubt, artist guy was gay, lol. And he didn’t know how I couldn’t see it. I am so going to miss my big brother, though in my heart I know that I will never be without him. He left me with so much.
I went on a date the other day. This guy was cool. I’ll call him “Writer/actor Guy.” He took up theater in college and says he came to LA to write screenplays. He claimed that he and his writing partner are working on a project for Seth Rogan and Adam Sandler. A horror flick. We were first supposed to meet for coffee but that didn’t pan out. So he asked me to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory but our wires got crossed so that didn’t happen. So then he asked to take me to lunch at Gennaro’s Italian Ristorante, which ended up working. He was really nice, very chivalrous, but not as articulate as I’d expect a writer to be. He often seemed at a loss for words and whenever he’d settle on one it was quite basic and didn’t seem to convey his meaning or satisfy him. Plus, his conversation seemed to veer more towards the theater than writing, which made me believe that he was using writing as a cover for his real desire to come to Hollywood and act. His eyes lit up when he talked about his theater classes at Howard. Anyway, he wasn’t a creep or a weirdo like my last handful of dates, so I’m guessing my dates are on the upswing and getting better; although, I don’t see this one going anywhere substantial. It was clear to me that we were both looking for different things and at different points in our lives. However, I don’t think it was clear to him that despite everything (I’m established, he’s not. I’m not struggling, he is.), and all of the things we had in common, I would have made a great friend. I don’t intend to try to convince him of that, either. If he’s that dense he deserves whatever he gets. He’ll learn, eventually. But I was happy to have met him and I did enjoy our date. If he calls, I’ll answer. Afterwards, as we walked out of the restaurant, I asked him where he’d parked. I do this all the time out of habit with whomever I’m hanging out with – family, friends, everyone. He said that he’d found a spot right up front and sort of gestured towards a faded red Ford Probe, then quickly asked me where I’d parked. He said he’d walk me to my car and he did. He even opened my door for me but I got the feeling that he just didn’t want me to see his car. So when I drove away I saw him slowly walking back towards the restaurant but lagging, clearly waiting for me to be well on my way back to work before he hopped in his car and drove off. What he did for me, though, was confirm my confidence and I appreciate him for it. I kind of knew I wasn’t too shabby but now I know I aint. All of the things that I was unsure of and was always modest about, when I talked about my life on paper with him, his eyes widened and dulled. It made me realize that I should give myself way more credit than I have been. That I should appreciate way more than I have been. I AM blessed. I’m not afraid anymore, I know what I want now, and I know my worth more than I did before. Confidence feels good. And I’m still as determined as ever.
I miss my brother. I can still hear his voice saying “Val, this ya brotha…” on my voicemail. I can still hear him giving me words of advice about any and everything and I’m still taking heed. Whenever I need him, I just stop and ask myself “what would Darryl say?” and I have my answer. I’m better because of him. I just wish he were still here for me to tell him that. And I told him often but I loved him so much that it was never often enough. It’s still hard to believe he’s gone, and so suddenly, without warning. I loved that we looked so much alike, too. His round face helped me come to grips with my round face, lol. I looked at him and realized there was no escaping my genetics, haha. No diet, no exercise, no nothing. But sharing those genes with someone like him made me proud of them. I remember when he told me, as matter of fact and plainly as ever, that the artist guy was gay. He’d never met or laid eyes on that man but from what I told him about him, he was positive in his assessment that he was not interested in women, but preferred men. Without a doubt, artist guy was gay, lol. And he didn’t know how I couldn’t see it. I am so going to miss my big brother, though in my heart I know that I will never be without him. He left me with so much.
I went on a date the other day. This guy was cool. I’ll call him “Writer/actor Guy.” He took up theater in college and says he came to LA to write screenplays. He claimed that he and his writing partner are working on a project for Seth Rogan and Adam Sandler. A horror flick. We were first supposed to meet for coffee but that didn’t pan out. So he asked me to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory but our wires got crossed so that didn’t happen. So then he asked to take me to lunch at Gennaro’s Italian Ristorante, which ended up working. He was really nice, very chivalrous, but not as articulate as I’d expect a writer to be. He often seemed at a loss for words and whenever he’d settle on one it was quite basic and didn’t seem to convey his meaning or satisfy him. Plus, his conversation seemed to veer more towards the theater than writing, which made me believe that he was using writing as a cover for his real desire to come to Hollywood and act. His eyes lit up when he talked about his theater classes at Howard. Anyway, he wasn’t a creep or a weirdo like my last handful of dates, so I’m guessing my dates are on the upswing and getting better; although, I don’t see this one going anywhere substantial. It was clear to me that we were both looking for different things and at different points in our lives. However, I don’t think it was clear to him that despite everything (I’m established, he’s not. I’m not struggling, he is.), and all of the things we had in common, I would have made a great friend. I don’t intend to try to convince him of that, either. If he’s that dense he deserves whatever he gets. He’ll learn, eventually. But I was happy to have met him and I did enjoy our date. If he calls, I’ll answer. Afterwards, as we walked out of the restaurant, I asked him where he’d parked. I do this all the time out of habit with whomever I’m hanging out with – family, friends, everyone. He said that he’d found a spot right up front and sort of gestured towards a faded red Ford Probe, then quickly asked me where I’d parked. He said he’d walk me to my car and he did. He even opened my door for me but I got the feeling that he just didn’t want me to see his car. So when I drove away I saw him slowly walking back towards the restaurant but lagging, clearly waiting for me to be well on my way back to work before he hopped in his car and drove off. What he did for me, though, was confirm my confidence and I appreciate him for it. I kind of knew I wasn’t too shabby but now I know I aint. All of the things that I was unsure of and was always modest about, when I talked about my life on paper with him, his eyes widened and dulled. It made me realize that I should give myself way more credit than I have been. That I should appreciate way more than I have been. I AM blessed. I’m not afraid anymore, I know what I want now, and I know my worth more than I did before. Confidence feels good. And I’m still as determined as ever.
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