Building a Life

After a big break up, it's hard work gathering up all the pieces of your life that are yours and leaving behind what was. I met my ex when I was just 16 years old and from that day forward he was an integral part of my life. I grew to love his family very dearly, even watched children grow up and go to college and start families of their own. In the meantime, the life I'd fashioned became ours and no longer just mines. I was in it, he was in it, our families were sprinkled in there, too. And all of my childhood bonds had fallen by the wayside. Then, more than a decade later, we broke up and I was unrecognizable. Not entirely, of course, but it took some getting used to. I had to rebuild just about everything. My routines, my expectations, my social life. Outside of my mother, he was my closest friend. And the other friendships that were still standing weren't very strong. One day I wrote out a list of my friends and it didn't sit well with me. I wasn't confident in the bonds between me and anyone, many of them were fair weather, fickle, "see you once a year or so" friendships. So I set out to build new, lasting, stronger friendships, and thus far I believe I have about 3. We don't have ten years under our belts yet but we're getting there. We're building. I just have to be patient and faithful. Making friends as an adult is much different than it is as a kid.
And then there's dating. I wasn't quite sure what I was getting into with that, lol. I've learned a whole lot and it's been very interesting. Finding someone to be my +1 has been like searching for a needle in a haystack. Either there is no chemistry between us, one of us likes the other but the feeling isn't mutual, or we're a perfect match except he's already taken. Or he lives in another state. I don't fall to pieces over it though. It took me way too long to put myself back together after The Ex. I just know that this, too, is going to take some time and patience, and diligent effort on my part. Social relationships are complex. Rebuilding a life from the ground up takes patience and I'm focused. It can get scary at times, wondering what the future will bring or how long it will take to bring what I need, or who I'll be when when it finally gets here. I want to love again and be loved. I want close, strong bonds with other human beings. I'm up for the challenge. I have the rest of my life.
The way I envision things, I will be happy with my +1, a bit older but wiser, living a relaxed lifestyle where we are the center of our worlds. We'll have plenty of personal interests that we can share with one another, plenty of friends who love us, we'll travel, we'll try new things, we'll teach each other, and learn and grow old together. That'd be a happy ending. But whether it goes that way or not, I won't die an unlived life. Even though these are my plans, they are peripheral. I'm still busy living, thankfully.