Under the California Sun

The days are heating up and summer is finally here in Southern Cali, which means Operation: Bring Sexy Back is in full motherfucking effect. The diet is shaping up swell, but with so much to do, see, and plan, it’s hard for me to squeeze in time for formal exercise. I do my 15 minute brisk walk around the “compound” most days after lunch (other days I’m napping in the car. Did I mention that I take the best naps there? Well, I do) and when I get home I’m either watching something on TNT or HGTV, cooking, cleaning, or taking care of something imminent. I count cleaning as exercise, though, and I’ll throw in about 10 push ups to make it official. And I don’t mean the pansy kind of push ups, either. I’m talking straight military style, baby – legs straight. One night before bed I started doing them and my guy friend was stunned. He sat up in bed and made such a stupid fuss that I couldn’t finish my set for laughing so hard. As if ladies can’t do push ups off our knees. SMH. Anyway, when the house is clean and there is no dinner to be made, I flip my mental switch and imagine myself traipsing along the beach in Brazil in a hot, red THONG bikini J (Yeah, buddy, lol) while my perfectly sculpted PHAT ass and long, lean ridiculously sexy legs force everyone to stare, mouths agape. Then I smile slyly and stick my ipod on the Bose docking station, turn that sucker up HIGH and begin my pre-workout warm up shimmying and shaking all over my living room. Once the good old blood is pumping I have energy to spare, I’m feeling good and high off endorphins, and my workout begins. I’ve also written a list of 20 reasons why I’m working out (e.g., healthy heart, lower cholesterol, increased energy, better mood, etc.). It’s titled “I AM LOSING WEIGHT BECAUSE...”

And I’m not doing too shabby. Especially when I look at Facebook pictures of my relatives in the Midwest. L Egads! It’s such a shame how fat many of them are. And it seems to be the norm. Everybody seems to think they’re still sexy. My little cousin has tree trunk calves at age 23. She posted some pictures of herself on holiday while wearing a super smedium t-shirt and some teeny tiny shorts. Looked like she had “K” leg, as my mother calls it – her thighs were hugging and parted at the knees. And her waist looked like the Michelin tire guy’s body. Flipping through the rest of her pics and I realized it was a theme that everyone is okay with. Only the men were normal sized. Fat American’s; it’s true. We are the supersized nation.

Anyway, I’m not in the Midwest, thankfully. It’s not so accepted here. So I’m getting back on my game, hardcore. Planning to lay out under this fine California sunshine until fall crashes the party. I’ll be at the beach this weekend and most likely next weekend, too.

It’s 8:43am and the temperature outside is already in the 80s. Dios mio.