My definition

As part of the process of creating the “Unbound” book and documentary, I was interviewed on camera and asked, quite simply “who are you?” which is such a loaded question, right? Well, for me it certainly was and it required quite a bit of time to mull over but I needed to answer right away. No time to ruminate. So I gave my interviewer the generic and sometimes obvious answers – I’m a mother, daughter, friend, writer…along those lines, but ever since that day on the beach I’ve been trying to come up with an appropriate answer to that question. An answer that I feel is wholly accurate. Who am I? Yes, I am clearly a woman and daughter. Yes, I have given birth to a child and am a mother as well. I also have friends. But none of that truly defines me in my mind and I think a clear definition, knowing precisely who I am, will help me go on to live a much happier, more fulfilled life. My career or lack thereof depends on it. My peace of mind, my comfort, and many of my daily decisions do too. What’s my motivation? Sitting at this desk in this office day in and day out I often wonder and I have to ask myself “what are you doing here?” Because it’s not absolutely clear. Yes, I’m here because they pay me to be, but I don’t want to be here. I don’t love this place, I’m not passionate about what I do, and I damn sure don’t give a rats ass about that vile human creature they call my boss. I’m here for the paycheck and what money can buy, that’s what my existence today boils down to since I spend a large percentage of my life here, in this office. It’s easy to forget who you are when you’re behaving like a hamster in a wheel. I work to eat, I eat to survive.

I wish I had a do-over for my book interview, that they had provided me with the question ahead of time so that I could prepare my answer rather than blurt out some bullshit on the spot. Somehow, though, I still don’t think I would have come up with an answer that satisfied me even if I were given extra time. The other day I read this on Facebook and a light bulb clicked on in my head. I’m getting closer to my answer! But I don’t quite have it yet. This helped (emphasis mine):

Metaphorically, pu'uhonua can be viewed as a means of taking a break from the materialistic world that perhaps has been force fed, and simply "going back", kicking back, laid back, being able to speak freely without having to speak in what some would call a "haolefied" manner. I've heard people say "when I'm at work and speak on the phone, this is my white voice, so people can understand what I'm saying, I must be articulate. Amongst friends, if I have an accent, say certain words or say slang that I've said all my life, I don't have to worry if someone is looking or listening to me behind my back." In other words, it's the idea of being at home. Personally, I haven't been back home in 10 years. All these years, I have said to family and people online "I'm on my reserves, but I need to come back and fill up again. It's my refuge, all I have to do is go to my favorite beaches, a park, find a food cart/lunch wagon, or look at where I used to live, see old corner stores, talk to people who look and sound like me. The further I'm away from that, the more I realize how much I miss that. It's my connection to my aina, that's the spark plug to who I am.