I just want to run away today, crawl under a rock and wait until this feeling I’m feeling passes. I can’t really describe it, just that today sucks. It’s a bit of a carryover from yesterday when I received my late brother’s obituary in the mail. He passed away in December and was buried in St Louis. I chose not fly out there to attend his funeral because we don’t share the same family/loved ones. We are half siblings, although he’s always felt completely whole to me and the fact that we looked a lot alike and had the same caring heart just added to that feeling. We had the same father who we both shared an uncanny resemblance to. Anyway, I’d asked for an obituary from his mother, brother, and girlfriend back in January. As a matter of fact, his brother offered to send me one prior to me asking for it a month after not receiving it. His mother and girlfriend offered to send me one, as well. I honestly suspected all along that I wouldn’t be listed as someone he left behind, although his other siblings were – and they were half siblings as well (different fathers, same mother. Though neither of them resemble him in any way. It’s inconsequential, but still). Even his girlfriend of the last 15 months was listed in his obituary as someone he’d left behind. So after I read his obit and my suspicions were confirmed, I simply placed it back into the envelope from wince it came and let it slide off the table onto a chair. I’m considering sending it back, since after 3 months of waiting for it I’d told his brother “Never mind. Don't send it. It can’t replace him anyway. It’s not important that I get one.” Whoever sent it only listed their mailing address, no name. I think it came from his mother, though. It’s true that funerals are for the living. And since I wasn’t in a position to give my brother a funeral I wasn’t going to fly to St. Louis to attend someone else’s dedication to him. Someone I don’t know. Someone he’d told me not-so-great-things about. I couldn’t be comforted by them, people I don’t know, people who couldn’t see it in their hearts to list me as his grieving sister, knowing that I'm both grieving and his sister. So there was really no point. My brother wasn’t there.  And now, I no longer feel like I need to explain any of this to them.  It doesn't matter.

In addition to that happening yesterday, this morning I’ve been fighting the ridiculous fear of liking someone. It is so much easier to lock my heart away, only allowing it out in controlled environments. But I suspect I won’t be able to protect myself from heartbreak for the remainder of my life and that's scary. Here’s what a friend of mine recently had to say on the subject:
Claudine 10:59 AM
the reason why love is such a great thing
is because it's huge ROI
the investment you put in... reaps great rewards you can't imagine.
there's a saying
no eye has seen, no ear has heard, what the lord has planned for his children
something like that
if god is love
then that means no one has seen what love is truly capable of
Claudine 11:01 AM
yeah.. so it's basically.. a leap of faith
if you don't risk getting hurt, you won't know.
think with your heart not your head