There's nothing quite like the feeling of having a crush. Whether it's reciprocated or not, it feels great. But I'm not here to talk about him tonight :) I'm not here to talk about anything, really. Just shooting the shit on here, since I don't do it often enough. It's been a long day. Getting up at 7am on a Saturday because you have somewhere to be can sometimes be cool, but today wasn't one of those days. It was quite a chore prying myself out of bed and driving all the way to Westwood this morning. I'm taking a class at UCLA and today we took a test. I think I passed. I hope I did. I left feeling pretty good about myself. It'd be a sad shame if I was wrong.
On a more serious and a bit more sobering note, there's been a lot of death around me lately. I remember when my uncle once told me that one of the things he disliked about getting old was that so many people around him were drying. A lot of his friends, a lot of people he'd known for years, were passing away with a frequency he couldn't get used to. That's happening around me lately and I'm only 38. It's putting my life and mortality in stark perspective. It's making me want to live more, love more, and not take anything for granted. Not my ability to get up and experience new things, nor my ability to just stay home and sit still. I have no idea when my day will come so when it does, I don't want to feel like I have too much unfinished business. I want to feel as though my life had been full and vibrant, no matter what age I am when that time comes. My grandmothers sister passed away last month at age 89 and she'd had dementia for the past 2-3 years. That seems ideal to me. 89 years is enough time to do and see a whole lot, and then to have dementia and only be able to recall the good portions of your life, seems pretty great to me. Her passing was indeed sad but there was joy in knowing that she had lived a full, long life, filled with love, experiences, family - children, a husband, grandkids, great grandkids, and great-great grandkids, etc. A few years before she passed, my son and I interviewed her about her life for a family tree project we were doing, and it was, indeed, a remarkable life. If we all could be so fortunate.
My brother passed away recently, too. His time was cut short at only 42 years and with still a lot of life to fill. Turns out it was a heart attack. But at least it was sudden so he never saw it coming, never had time to stress over it, to worry about anything. A family friend isn't so lucky, though. He was just told that he has cancer and that it was detected too late. It has spread too far in his body to be helped with chemo so they're estimating that he'll only have 2 more years of life to fill up. He seems to be taking it with stride, putting on a much better face than I could ever muster in his predicament. I'm so sad for him, though. I want to spend as much time as possible with him...but so far, my own life has gotten in the way of that. I'm crying just typing about it. I have to find a way to change that. Life can be so beautiful yet so cold at the same time. So, in addition to New Orleans and Vegas this year, I'm trying to plan a trip to Jamaica to meet up with a friend, and India to meet Lotta Jansdotter, peruse the bazaars for vibrant fabric and other pretty things, maybe see a snake charmer, maybe stay in a palace hotel, and see and learn hand/block printing techniques. It's lofty and dreamy and potentially very expensive, but I'm going to try my hardest to make it work. My life is worth it.
On a more serious and a bit more sobering note, there's been a lot of death around me lately. I remember when my uncle once told me that one of the things he disliked about getting old was that so many people around him were drying. A lot of his friends, a lot of people he'd known for years, were passing away with a frequency he couldn't get used to. That's happening around me lately and I'm only 38. It's putting my life and mortality in stark perspective. It's making me want to live more, love more, and not take anything for granted. Not my ability to get up and experience new things, nor my ability to just stay home and sit still. I have no idea when my day will come so when it does, I don't want to feel like I have too much unfinished business. I want to feel as though my life had been full and vibrant, no matter what age I am when that time comes. My grandmothers sister passed away last month at age 89 and she'd had dementia for the past 2-3 years. That seems ideal to me. 89 years is enough time to do and see a whole lot, and then to have dementia and only be able to recall the good portions of your life, seems pretty great to me. Her passing was indeed sad but there was joy in knowing that she had lived a full, long life, filled with love, experiences, family - children, a husband, grandkids, great grandkids, and great-great grandkids, etc. A few years before she passed, my son and I interviewed her about her life for a family tree project we were doing, and it was, indeed, a remarkable life. If we all could be so fortunate.
My brother passed away recently, too. His time was cut short at only 42 years and with still a lot of life to fill. Turns out it was a heart attack. But at least it was sudden so he never saw it coming, never had time to stress over it, to worry about anything. A family friend isn't so lucky, though. He was just told that he has cancer and that it was detected too late. It has spread too far in his body to be helped with chemo so they're estimating that he'll only have 2 more years of life to fill up. He seems to be taking it with stride, putting on a much better face than I could ever muster in his predicament. I'm so sad for him, though. I want to spend as much time as possible with him...but so far, my own life has gotten in the way of that. I'm crying just typing about it. I have to find a way to change that. Life can be so beautiful yet so cold at the same time. So, in addition to New Orleans and Vegas this year, I'm trying to plan a trip to Jamaica to meet up with a friend, and India to meet Lotta Jansdotter, peruse the bazaars for vibrant fabric and other pretty things, maybe see a snake charmer, maybe stay in a palace hotel, and see and learn hand/block printing techniques. It's lofty and dreamy and potentially very expensive, but I'm going to try my hardest to make it work. My life is worth it.
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