I think maybe I need cable TV in my life

I feel like I'm Amish, so out of touch with society, so behind the times. It could very well be that I am the only person on the planet who knows next to nothing about the Opto mom, except that she gave birth to 8 babies all in one sitting and is obsessed with Angelina Jolie. But I feel like there must be more to know because everyone seems to be going gaga over this woman and I just don't get it. What am I missing out on? What has Brenda Lee Johnson done without me all these months? And let us not forget fine ass Sgt Gabriel! What has he done without me?? And who the hell is Chelsea Handler? Who's VJ'ing on 106 & Park these days? Is my homegirl, Samantha Brown still trotting the globe? I'm sort of embarrassed to ask. I don't know wtf is going on. At first I thought that maybe not having cable would force me to be more productive, creative, get in better shape, save some clams.... but I'm looking around, and at myself, and I see that I was sorely mistaken and misguided. I've actually gotten fatter! I've missed all of the awards shows for naught - MTV, VH1, BET... Bravo's reality TV and competition shows! Who are the real housewives of Atlanta? What should I be wearing?? I am completely in the dark and have nothing to contribute at the water cooler. I haven't decided whether that's a good thing or not. Could cable tv really enhance my life? According to Miles "heck yeah, it can!" But if I sign up that just means another bill in my mailbox so the jury's still out on whether or not I should improve my life.