Mission Failed/The NERVE of gramps

I think "fly in July" backfired and I actually gained weight. So, I'm hopping back up on that horsie like the champ that I am and trying this thing again. In my defense, I was sick and under tremendous stress for a while. :P
All women need the self-esteem of dirty old men. Is it arrogance, naivete? What makes a 60 year old man think he can date/fool/charm the pants off/all of the former, someone 20 years his junior? If nothing else it's certainly bravery. Maybe he thought he'd roll the dice and luck up on someone foolish enough to think he was a catch. I don't know but part of me is offended that he even had the gaul to try me, lol. I asked him how old he was and he quickly said "fifty" as if he'd practiced and prepared for the moment I'd ask him that, knowing that I'd ask. He wasn't convincing though. I almost asked to see his drivers license but I decided I'd spare him. His gout-ridden hobble from JC Penney to the food court where we met told on him anyway. Oh yeah, he was knocking on 60s door. But I gave him a chance to try to convince me to fall for his geriatric game partly because I knew it'd be entertaining and then, well...why not? I like the Cheesecake Factory. But it wasn't entertaining at all. Thank goodness it was quick and semi-painless, though. Quickest date of my dating life, probably. The games began with him calling me from the bathroom at his house so that we could decide on where to meet. He was whispering into the phone and it was echoing, lol. I couldn't hear shit he said so I wasn't too surprised when he ended up at the wrong Cheesecake Factory because he probably couldn't hear me either. He seemed mad nervous whispering, I imagined, on the toilet in his bathroom hiding from his family. This was the first time I'd gotten a call from the house and not while he was out walking the neighborhood. It was quite amusing because surely he didn't know he was so transparent: old, cheap, married and horny. Anyway, having gotten tired of saying "huh!?" into my cellphone, I clearly gave him the directions to the Cheesecake Factory at the mall. "Take the 210 to Baldwin, turn left and you'll run right into it on the left." Instead, after I hung up he probably got directions from someone or someplace else and ended up at the Cheesecake Factory in Old Town, off the 134 and Colorado. Totally passed me up and drove an additional 15 minutes out of the way. When we finally did meet up, he talked about traveling, saying he does a lot of it and if he "doesn't meet a woman soon, he's just going to up and drive to the east coast" because he has family there. "Oh yeah?" I say. "Yeah," he says "I got family in Chicago, Missouri, and Indiana." I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the midwest, not the east coast. More boring convo ensued and then he mentioned that he wanted to go to Santa Barbara because he hadn't been in 20 years and the Anderson split pea soup company is there. So I asked him why Santa Barbara and he looked at me incredulously and said "For the split me soup!" Oh, okay. Duh. O_O
Later on we had a tiny disagreement about marriage and he complained that his son wanted to go bowling that afternoon but he'd have to wait until matinee time tomorrow because he wasn't paying $50 to bowl with him. Then he chided me for choosing such a fancy restaurant and I think he was serious. I got the Bang Bang Chicken and Shrimp and he got a caesar salad and had them add cajun shrimp to it (he was mad they only gave him four jumbo shrimp). The whole while he kept hinting that he wanted to taste my food, but that wasn't happening. Then when the bill came he asked me "Since you do this all the time, how much tip should I leave for a $42 bill?" He made it an even $50. Then he started to shift in his seat and I realized he had somewhere else to be so we left. On our way back into the mall so he could make his trek through the food court and JCPenney, he tried to get a titty-smash type hug, but he was lucky I was even willing to give him a one-armed one. I don't know your old nasty ass like that. Ugh. I thanked him, went into Borders and disappeared. He called and left me a voicemail message an hour later that I still haven't listened to. I really wish he'd find some nice old lady to take to the Cheesecake Factory though, if he's truly single. I'm not going to be able to do it.