Went to the doctor today. I've been too passive when it comes to my health, figuring that I'm too young to die of natural causes and that I'll be good until I'm at least 40ish. Wrong. After waking up with anxiety and laying down my woes to friends and fam, someone suggested that I look into my health. So I googled "stress" and I came up with "migraines," "fainting," and "heart health," which reminded me of my recent migraine attacks, my fainting spells over the years, and the heart concerns expressed by a few docs I've seen over my lifetime. Last year I fainted and blew it off, but my boss and a couple of coworkers strongly suggested that I go see a cardiologist. Turns out fainting is pretty serious, so I went, they ran a heap of tests, and then sent me home with a heart monitor attached to my body for me to wear overnight. After that, I never got the results of those tests explained to me. Fast forward to two weeks ago and I'm on Google and Wikipedia freaking the fuck out because my test results basically said that I could suddenly die! SUDDEN FUCKING DEATH! AT 30 FUCKING 4!!!
I can't die. I have a child to raise, a very emotionally dependent mother, assets and no will. Plus, I still have shit to do. So I went to see a doctor today and she basically told me all that google and wiki said and then some, then she recommended that I see a sleep doctor and another cardiologist for palpitations and heart syncopy.
A little history:
-When I was born they told moms mably that I had a heart murmur. They ran tests but they were inconclusive. Stumped, they claimed I just had small veins and sent us home (to die?)
-When I was 14 a gestapo PE teacher wouldn't let me rest when my heart started racing and my brain was saying "SIT DOWN!" so I passed out.
-At 16 I passed out again. Don't recall why.
-My ex used to shake me awake sometimes because he said I'd snore and then stop breathing some nights for long periods of time (no oxygen to the heart and brain aint a good thing)
-At 33 I passed out after a few weeks of restless sleep and anxiety over work
-The heart monitor that they put on me last year recorded my heart racing while I was asleep = NOT good
-The test results from that monitor also showed ventricular couplets = what can cause sudden fucking DEATH!!
and some other stuff. But today she said my heart seemed normal and everything else was on the up and up but she suspects that it may be triggered by certain things like, um, stress. So I'm having a bunch of other tests run in the next couple of weeks.

This is surreal to me. I cannot begin to wrap my mind around the idea of suddenly dying of natural causes at 34. The important thing is, I know what my stressors are and I aim to block them at all other costs. Nothing is worth my life.

In other news, mumsie hit the jackpot! Well, kinda sorta. They owed her a bunch of back pay from my dads SSI so today they sent her a fat check. Since she has everything she needs right now, she wants to blow a chunk of it and in doing so, buying me a TV :D SHOPPING WEEKEND!!!