Missing Mike

I'm still too hurt to adequately convey my feelings about Michael Jackson's passing but I'll give it a try. I haven't allowed myself to cry I think because I haven't quite reconciled my personal feelings over the death of a man I never met but knew so intimately. He was... a part of my life, most certainly. My neighbor and playmate as a child, Crystal had his poster on her wall. The one with him in that yellow and white outfit wearing a yellow bow tie and cardigan. I think it came with the Thriller album. Unlike 90% of the girls at my elementary school, I never had a romantic crush on Mike but I could appreciate his seemingly charming demeanor, his kind and innocent eyes, his talent, his ability to get even me on my feet and dancing. We went to see him and the Jackson 5 perform at Dodger Stadium when I was a kid and I danced all night. Shy little me :). That same night I developed a crush on Michael's brother, Marlon when he sang "Girl I want your body" lol. Me and Crystal watched the Jackson 5 cartoon on Saturday mornings. My mother owned all of Michael's records so I heard his singing religiously, and I owned an official Michael Jackson doll with the red and black signature "leather" suit. He totally knocked my Ken doll out of the box. I loved Michael and in my heart I feel that he was deeply misunderstood and far too idolized. This has all been said before, I know, so this post is purely cathartic for me. I need to get it out so bare with me. Just knowing that we no longer share the same sky is eating me up inside. I took him for granted, never imaginging that he'd someday be gone. He left an immense legacy though and even if the radio stations were to play his music all week long I doubt they'd cover his entire catalog.

My emotions are so mixed. I go from disbelief to sadness to rage and back to disbelief. He's really gone? Yet he's all over my television and radio and computer. It's too much yet not enough. While I want to honor this paradox of a man and his memory, I also want to protect him from all the slander and gossip the media and callous people are sure to drudge up. He was a human being, a child of God like the rest of us. NOT a God, himself. Yet people love to scrutinize him, throw stones at him as if they aren't living in glass houses themselves, vulnerable to imperfection. He was the most fascinating person of my lifetime. Maybe it's selfish of me to wish he were still alive. This could be the peace he always wanted. RIP Michael Joseph Jackson Sr.