New Moon - try not to vomit

Now I’m all about teeny bopper and sappy sweet love stories but I finally saw New Moon and I have to say that was some grade A bullshit. I can’t even pick a team. I want to be on team Jacob but his voice is way too squeaky and I wasn’t really feeling his characters’ propensity for anger (while sounding like a pip squeak, lol). Wth? Okay, so you’re a werewolf but do you have to be a loose cannon? You can't be cool? So he’s now a dangerous character, too. Bah. I liked him better when he was sweet but no nonsense. Then, one of the wolves in his pack “accidentally” scarred his fiance’s face really badly in anger but they’re still together and very much in love and, of course, he’s so so so so sorry. He just can’t help himself. FOH.

And Edward is just plain creepy looking. Super pale, emaciated face with red eyes and red lips is hot? Nothing he could say would make me melt. I don’t know what the appeal is - fear, danger, violence? If so, the folks responsible for this book and movie are fucked in the head. Is this what we’re teaching our young girls? That love is brutal and painful and scary? Bella is eager to give up her SOUL for this fool! Her God-given SOUL! They’ve jumped the shark. I thought Mormons were opposed to this sort of malarkey. Lol. I thought it was a good thing Edward and Bella couldn’t consummate their love. Now, not only are they going to be fucking, he’s going to literally suck out her SOUL. This is beyond ridiculous. The metaphor is all kinds of wrong.

But the bigger question is…

…have I finally outgrown my beloved teeny bopper, sappy sweet love stories?! Hell nah. Teens today are just crazy, looney-bin every way you slice it. Although, Jacob is kind of fine (no pedo? Lol). Him shirtless and hugging Bella was the best part of the entire movie. Now he could love her without sucking out her soul first. But then there’s that whole brutal love thing :/

I shipped that flick back to Netflix so fast…

It’s a good thing I didn’t see it in theaters. I might’ve elicited a riot with my disdain. But in my own living room I was free to talk shit without angering the idiots.